Feds confiscate 9 year olds Playstation 3. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales talks of treason.
Mr. Stanley Jorgensen was relaxing last Saturday morning when he heard a commotion that sounded like a large door had been blasted away. He ran toward the sound of the explosion and found that his front door had been destroyed and several armed men were standing his living room waving a search warrant in his face. The armed men were not burglars, gang-bangers or terrorists. They were agents of the FBI’s home defense force, and the warrant wasn’t for drugs, guns or espionage. The FBI wanted Mr. Jorgensen’s son Billy’s Playstation 3.
What put the Attorney General on the trail was a videotape that sources say made it all the way to The White House. The content of the tape was said to be of a football game played between the New England Patriots and the Indianapolis Colts. What set this Madden 2002 game apart was the rosters of both teams. What so enraged the White House was the fact that characters were created named George W. Bush and Osama bin-Laden and both played on the same team. White House spokeswoman Karen Blazer said, “We cannot condone the actions of the young man (Billy) and have left it up to Attorney General Gonzales as to what charges will be filed.
Staffers who heard about the tape said that the Bush character was the quarterback and apparently did not have his best game. The final score was reported to be Indianapolis 56, New England 0. The president was appalled to hear that he completed only 12 of 41 passes for 116 yards and 4 interceptions. He was also sacked 11 times. What further infuriated the president was that five of his twelve completions were to wide receiver Osama bin-Laden. A comment from the Under Assistant Secretary of Defense was that, “the only thing that the president would ever throw at that (explicative deleted) was a grenade, not a football.” It has even been rumored that the president was watching the videotape when a renegade pretzel nearly gave the world President Dick Cheney.
Attorney General Gonzales wanted to know how Bush and bin-Laden could wind up on the same team. A nervous 9 year old told the FBI that his Uncle David had created several characters by reading something called The U.S. News and World Report. After the characters were created the young man hit a control called Fantasy Draft which randomly sent all created players to their new teams. The boy’s parents are calling it a bizarre coincidence. The Attorney General was not impressed. Gonzales said, “We are contemplating sending the boy back to the Taliban where he obviously belongs.”
Mr. Jorgensen said he had proof that the player selection was random.
Mr. Jorgensen, “Just look at who else is on the Patriots team. Abraham Lincoln played a terrific game at the tight end position. And who could possibly take seriously names like Travis Enron, Lucious Superfly, Ron Jeremy, Rufus Sinclair and Dick Cheney.” White House officials complained that it wasn’t even a fair contest. The Patriots offensive line had to be the smallest in league history, “Kenneth Lay played Right Guard and couldn’t weigh more than 160 pounds and Left Tackle Scooter Libby weighed maybe 175 with full pads and helmet. Besides, they continued, everyone knows that Dick Cheney has a bad heart!”
Gonzales wants to move on the case fast while the boy is still afraid and more inclined to talk. From his dark cell Billy could be heard muttering, “I want to go home. Mommy! I want my mommy!” If it’s left up to Gonzales home may be a one-way ticket to Guantanamo Bay.
John Hulse
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html
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