and Gruber fell from the tower (2026 JH2)

Astronomers discovered an asteroid that barely missed Earth and are calling it 2026 JH2. If it had hit Earth, it would have been called Oh, Sh*t! —Greg Gutfeld

ComicCon, the convention that celebrates comics, science fiction, anime, and gaming, is now coming to Abu Dhabi. The good news is terrorists won't have to blow themselves up to see 72 virgins. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the record for most circling vultures (Nut up)

New research shows that childhood peanut allergies have declined over 40% in recent years due to earlier exposure to peanuts, which was exactly the goal of my health campaign "Nut up, kids!” —Colin Jost

An 80-year-old woman set a record for oldest female to hike the Appalachian Trail, and also the record for most circling vultures. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's wishing everybody happy Chaka Khan (Don't come in here!)

You guys, this Sunday is the first night of Hanukkah. Which means we're just two days away from President Trump going on Twitter and wishing everybody happy Chaka Khan. --Jimmy Fallon

Trump and Mitt Romney were spotted having dinner here New York last night, and everyone’s talking about Romney’s expression. It got even worse when the spaghetti came and Trump said, “Ever see ‘Lady and the Tramp’?” –Jimmy Fallon

Today was Cyber Monday, where they offer a lot of really good deals just to online shoppers. It's the only day of the year where guys have an innocent reason for quickly shutting their laptops and saying "Don't come in here!" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is a hoax, and a witch hunt, and oh, hello there (We promise to do better this time)

President Trump said this morning that the Russia investigation is a hoax tweeting, "The Democrats paid for the phony and discredited dossier which was, along with Comey, McCabe, Strzok, and his lover, the lovely Lisa Page, used to begin the witch hunt. Disgraceful." And I love that even in the middle of a meltdown over the investigation, he still has time to hit on a woman. "This is a hoax, and a witch hunt, and oh, hello there." --Seth Meyers

The USDA has issued a health alert over premade salads and wraps sold at Walgreens due to concerns they may be contaminated with an intestinal parasite. So, if you're buying your meals at Walgreens, I have even more bad news. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It’s like Shark Week, except American infrastructure might actually kill you (Snackchip and Toejam)

 

"The huge political news over the weekend was that Barack Obama won the South Carolina primary. You got to give it up for the guy. He won despite persistent rumors that I helped spread that he had fathered a black child, and named that child Reagan. Full name: Reagan I Love Reagan Obama." --Stephen Colbert

The White House announced today that they’re kicking off “Infrastructure Week.” It’s like Shark Week, except American infrastructure might actually kill you. –Stephen Colbert

"All in all, this was a great first day for the convention, but, of course, the media did their best to try to ruin it by callously revealing a private matter in the Palin family, namely that Governor Sarah Palin's eldest daughter is named Bristol. Have you no shame, media? That's nobody's business. That is a private pain, meant to be kept between Bristol, and Track, and Willow, and Piper, and Trig, and let's say Snackchip and Toejam." --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Using your taxes to rebuild the stuff your taxes paid to blow up (I will never be sober again)

We should have seen that Matt Lauer had a strange obsession with women. I mean, just look at any of his actual Halloween costumes. Dolly Parton, "Baywatch" babe, Paris Hilton, and Lucy from Peanuts. Good grief. After looking at those photos, I think he could have been fired for sexually harassing himself. –Stephen Colbert

Audience, I’m worried that once they make self-driving cars, I will never be sober again. --Stephen Colbert

They added that the Chinese will continue to fight climate change, quote, “whatever the circumstances.” Just hold on — things have gotten so bad now that China is telling us to care about the environment?! Have you SEEN Beijing? No, you haven’t, because it’s hidden behind their air. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It wasn't his first choice for a backdrop, but the water wasn't quite deep enough for the aircraft carrier (Can we start with you?)

"He's like the Peanuts character Pigpen. Wherever he goes, he stirs up such a humongous mess, it can only be cleaned up by Halliburton." –Bill Maher, on George W. Bush

"Did you see the speech? President Bush spoke from Jackson Square in New Orleans. It wasn't his first choice for a backdrop, but the water wasn't quite deep enough for the aircraft carrier." --Bill Maher

"The president said much of the aid is going towards job training. And when they heard that, the people of New Orleans rose as one and said, 'Can we start with you?'" --Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait a minute, all this time he's been functioning effectively? (Don't blame me, I wasn't even there.)

"President Bush traveling a lot these days. You notice that? Last week, Bush was in Latin America, and later this week he's going to Asia. The trips are all part of Bush's new domestic plan, 'Don't blame me, I wasn't even there.'" --Conan O'Brien

Insiders say that if Karl Rove resigns, President Bush will not function effectively. Wait a minute, all this time he's been functioning effectively?" --David Letterman

"He's like the Peanuts character Pigpen. Wherever he goes, he stirs up such a humongous mess, it can only be cleaned up by Halliburton." –Bill Maher, on Bush

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The only reason we keep losing... (Republican Party Peanuts)

June 2013

"Mitt Romney’s former campaign manager has launched a super PAC to stop Hillary Clinton from becoming president. It makes sense because if there's one thing Romney's campaign manager is good at, it's stopping someone from becoming president." –Jimmy Fallon

"What a bad week for the stock market. Stocks are dropping like a Super Bowl ring into Vladimir Putin's pocket. That is how bad it was." –Jay Leno

"The NSA says they have developed a robotic bird that looks and flies like a bird to use for surveillance. So if you see a bird outside your window tweeting with a BlackBerry, it's spying on you." –Jay Leno 

"In the middle of all these scandals, President Obama got some good news today. The IRS ruled that he can write off the first half of his second term as a total loss." –Jay Leno 

"President Obama gave a big speech on climate change. He believes global warming is getting worse because apparently he's sweating a lot more during his second term." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”