We can stand with our brothers on this issue (He just ran out of conspiracy theories)

"President Obama said today that Americans are just going to have to get used to higher gas prices. To which Dick Cheney said, 'That's change I can believe in. I like this Obama guy.'" –Jay Leno

"Glenn Beck announced that he is ending his daily show on Fox News. He didn't want to end it. He just ran out of conspiracy theories." –Jay Leno

"I guess the Secret Service had a little scare yesterday. For a couple of hours, they could not find President Bush. Turns out he was just hiding behind General Petraeus." --Jay Leno

"President Bush raised $27 million for the Republican Party. A record at a fundraiser. Interesting pricing at the event, like for $2,500 you got dinner. $25,000 got your picture taken with the president. And for $250,000 you got your license plate made by a former Republican official now in jail." --Jay Leno

"Republicans in the Senate have announced they are moving on from gay marriage to a constitutional amendment to ban flag burning. We would join the only three other countries who have banned flag burning: China, Cuba and Iran. We can stand with our brothers on this issue." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

How did your career as a reality show host prepare you to do these things? (eligible for a $108,000 government bailout)

"In Portland, Oregon, a 7-year-old girl's lemonade stand was shut down by the police because she didn't get a $120 business license. On the bright side, by closing her business, she's now eligible for a $108,000 government bailout. " –Jay Leno

"I thought this guy (Levi Johnston) was a weasel. Did you hear the latest? He's now offering to sell a tell-all interview about himself, the latest break-up, and inside information about Sarah Palin for $20,000. Looking back, the problem isn't that he refused to wear a condom. The problem is his father didn't wear a condom." —Jay Leno 

"A federal judge in California struck down Proposition 8, saying it was unconstitutional. Gay couples can now get married in the state of California. Remember when women used to say the best ones were either gay or married? Now they can be both." -Jay Leno 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

if you believe the liberal media (Even Justin Bieber doesn't get to do that)

"Yesterday was President Obama's birthday. He turned 49 years old, if you believe the liberal media." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The president had dinner with Oprah in Chicago. Even Justin Bieber doesn't get to do that." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A judge in California overturned the state's gay marriage ban yesterday. Don't get too excited, though — he doesn't plan on telling his parents until Thanksgiving. " –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House is planning a small belated birthday party for President Obama on Sunday, when Michelle and Sasha are back from Spain. It'll be a small intimate gathering. You know, just friends, family, the Salahis…" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

they have a party and President Obama crashes it (a cheap TV stunt)

"It's been more than 24 hours since the court struck down California's ban on gay marriage, but celebrations in San Francisco have been postponed until Friday. Well, there was a rerun of 'Glee,' so they had to wait. " –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama had dinner with Oprah and her friend Gayle on his birthday. Gayle said it was an honor to have dinner with the leader of the free world and President Obama." –Craig Ferguson

"The Salahis, White House party crashers, have their own show now. On their show, they have a party and President Obama crashes it." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin is criticizing the president's visit to 'The View' as a cheap TV stunt. Then she went camping with Kate Gosselin." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Boy, I didn't see that coming (while the Republicans were like "And where were you born?")

"Bristol Palin broke up with Levi Johnston. You know the story, the kids were dating, and I mean really dating, and then it looked like they were going to get married. Then they didn’t get married, and he went off to do other things, like pose naked. And then it looked like they were going to patch things up. Turns out now they're not getting back together. Boy, I didn't see that coming.” -David Letterman

"A federal judge struck down California's gay marriage ban. In West Hollywood, gay men were dancing in the streets with rainbow flags and playing techno music, and then they heard about the ruling and they went crazy." –Craig Ferguson

"Today was President Obama's birthday. All the Democrats were like 'How old are you now,' while the Republicans were like 'And where were you born?'" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Forget the oil spill, can someone put a cap on this guy (Why we have a federal deficit)

"According to the National Enquirer, Bristol Palin has called off her engagement with Levi Johnston after finding out that he also got his ex-girlfriend Lanesia Garcia pregnant. Forget the oil spill, can someone put a cap on this guy." –Jay Leno

"Happy birthday to President Obama. If you want to get him a present, he's registered at Bed, Bath, and Blame Bush. They got him a huge cake. He didn't blow out the candles, he just taxed them until they gave up and went out on their own." –Jay Leno

"A California judge has overruled California's ban on gay marriage. Finally gay men can marry someone other than Liza Minelli. Wedding planners can now plan their own weddings." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

You’d have better luck with a show of hands at a Lady Gaga concert (the President was able to turn 49 today right on schedule)

from August 2010

"A federal judge overturned Proposition 8, which banned gay marriage in California, which came as great news for both gays and wedding planners. Although that might be redundant." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Opponents of gay marriage will now appeal to the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco - good luck there. You’d have better luck with a show of hands at a Lady Gaga concert." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Happy birthday to President Obama. Republicans tried to block his birthday but they didn't have enough votes, so it went through and the President was able to turn 49 today right on schedule." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I guess it was a good decision to increase his allowance (we'll get it in through the backdoor)

It's been reported that Ashton Kutcher has given Demi Moore an emerald and diamond bracelet worth $300,000. Afterwards Demi Moore said, “I guess it was a good decision to increase his allowance.” --Conan O’Brien 3/31/2005

This is an interesting statistic. 56% of women say they are more affectionate with their pets than they are with their partners. Which explains why Paris Hilton's dog has to get so many shots. --Conan O’Brien 3/31/2005

Earlier today Republicans in the Senate failed to get enough votes to pass an amendment banning gay marriage. Afterwards Republicans said we're not giving up. If we can't Ram it down their throats we'll get it in through the backdoor. --Conan O’Brien 7/14/2004

Ken Jennings became the first person ever to win 1 million dollars on Jeopardy. He’s like a machine. You can tell that he's getting cocky because whenever he hears the name Alex Trebek he answers, “Who's my bitch?” --Conan O’Brien 7/14/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I believe that hurricanes are caused by high barometric pressure and not by gay marriage (while wearing handcuffs)

This is interesting. Christina Aguilera admitted that she has sex while wearing handcuffs. Meanwhile Bobby Brown admitted he does everything while wearing handcuffs. --Conan O’Brien 10/20/2004

This is a weird story. The Kellogg's company announced that they are pulling ads for their cereal off of the show Desperate Housewives because the show promotes loose morals. Not only that Kellogg's fired Snap, Crackle and Pop for having a threesome. --Conan O’Brien 10/20/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Homeland Security has almost solved the mystery of who let the dogs out (the don't show me state)

The Bush administration is receiving a lot of criticism because much of the information that led to this week's terror alert is almost four years old. You can tell that their intelligence is four years old because Homeland Security has almost solved the mystery of who let the dogs out. --Conan O’Brien 8/4/2004

Residents of Missouri voted overwhelmingly to make gay marriage illegal. That's right, not only that the people in Missouri also voted to change their nickname to the don't show me state. --Conan O’Brien 8/4/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Bush said it's wrong for two men to publicly express their love unless they're trying to get into a fraternity (I forced him to watch Lethal Weapon 4)

Mel Gibson's movie on Jesus that everyone's been talking about opened today. Some religious experts who have seen the movie say the film is an accurate portrayal of the last hours of Jesus. When asked how he got the actor playing Jesus to convey so much suffering Gibson said, “I forced him to watch Lethal Weapon 4.” --Conan O’Brien 2/25/2004

Yesterday President Bush announced he would support a constitutional amendment that would ban gay marriage. Bush said it's wrong for two men to publicly express their love unless they're trying to get into a fraternity. --Conan O’Brien 2/25/2004

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

In 1672, a mob of angry Dutch killed and ate their Prime Minister (Options. Just sayin')

"Mitt Romney has been telling people he's a 'lifelong hunter,' but the truth is that he went hunting once when he was 15 years old and once last year, so by 'lifelong' he means he went twice. I think it's important to add, both of the times he went hunting, he shot an old man in the face ... so he's at least vice presidential material." --Conan O'Brien

"Romney was saying he is a 'lifelong hunter.' Turns out he's hunted exactly twice in his whole life. Dick Cheney has hunted lawyers more times!" --Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney stunned everybody by raising $23 million all in small donations. Apparently, he got one dollar from every Osmond." --Jay Leno

"Rudy Giuliani said he wants to make it clear he is not in favor of gay marriage. He believes marriage should be between a man and a woman, no matter how many times it takes them to get it right." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The raid is currently entering its 27th hour (RRRight...)

Sources say the FBI raided Michael Cohen's office to gather information on all of the women the President had affairs with. The raid is currently entering its 27th hour. --Conan O’Brien

Experts say the majority of Facebook users had their data harvested from taking online quizzes. So, it’s worse than we thought - now, Russia also knows how stupid we are. --Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

Alberto Gonzales tried to plead the fifth dimension (even I'm not that big of a pothead)

"Really, President Bush? You think the Gonzales testimony went well? Which part? Because the best thing anyone can say about Gonzales' testimony was that he didn't use the word 'nappy,' and he remembered to wear pants." --Amy Poehler

"Over in Washington, Alberto Gonzales testified yesterday before Congress. He is the Sanjaya of the Bush administration. He had a month to rehearse and he still sucked." --Bill Maher

"He said some version of 'I don't remember' 71 times. I know it's 4/20, but even I'm not that big of a pothead." --Bill Maher

"Alberto Gonzales is not exactly a constitutional scholar. At one point, he tried to plead the fifth dimension." --Bill Maher

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

I'm Transgender! You got a problem with that, Punk? (Bill Clinton bounce)

"Vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has many views. She says she's opposed to same-sex marriage. Did you know that? Yeah, Palin says everyone knows marriage isn't for gay people; it's for pregnant teenagers." --Conan O'Brien

"Here's what we know about Ann Coulter. She's blonde, she's single, and well, maybe someone will set her up with O.J." --David Letterman

"And they say that Barack Obama now is a little down in the polls. Now this is a surprise, because after they announced the vice presidential candidate, they were hoping to get that Joe Biden bounce. Now don't confuse that Joe Biden bounce with a Bill Clinton bounce -- that'll get you impeached." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535 #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans 

Pope Francis is missing (shotgun weddings)

"Vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has many views. She says she's opposed to same-sex marriage. Did you know that? Yeah, Palin says everyone knows marriage isn't for gay people; it's for pregnant teenagers." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Sarah Palin, she said she's a life-long member of the National Rifle Association. Which may explain why she's in favor of shotgun weddings." --Conan O'Brien

Pope Francis is calling for an audit of all the Catholic Church’s wealth. In a related story, Pope Francis is missing. –Conan O’Brien

"This week, John McCain was endorsed by the gay group known as the Log Cabin Republicans. That's true, yeah. They endorsed McCain not so much because he supports gay rights, but because he was actually born in a log cabin." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535

George W. Bush, "Wait a minute, how can you can see me when I can't see you?"

"Vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has many views. She says she's opposed to same-sex marriage. Did you know that? Yeah, Palin says everyone knows marriage isn't for gay people; it's for pregnant teenagers." --Conan O'Brien

"This week, John McCain was endorsed by the gay group known as the Log Cabin Republicans. That's true, yeah. They endorsed McCain not so much because he supports gay rights, but because he was actually born in a log cabin." --Conan O'Brien

"Last night, President Bush addressed the crowd at the Republican Convention via satellite. The first ten minutes of Bush's speech consisted of him saying, 'Wait a minute, how can you can see me when I can't see you?'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

JOKES: And if you don’t know what that means, you’re probably Betsy DeVos

This is what President Obama has been up to: kite surfing in the Virgin Islands with Richard Branson. [shows photos of kite-surfing, laughing Obama] Look at him, not an Obama care in the world. –Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump is mad as a hornet. He tweeted this morning, “I don’t know Putin, have no deals in Russia, and the haters are going crazy. Yet Obama can make a deal with Iran, #1 in terror, no problem.” You know, there actually was a time in our history when if a president used the phrase “haters are going crazy,” we might be alarmed. We might even be told to remain in our homes if the haters were going crazy. –Jimmy Kimmel

Vice President Mike Pence today cast the tie-breaking vote to confirm controversial education secretary nominee Betsy DeVos. And if you don’t know what that means, you’re probably Betsy DeVos. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

I'm sorry (We Got Caught)/a disappointment on opposite sex marriage

Republican congressman "Randy 'Duke' Cunningham sentenced to 8 years in prison. You see, it really is hard out there for a pimp." --Jay Leno

"Madonna is looking to buy a home in Israel, and today the PLO told Israel 'Okay, you can have the land back.'" --Jay Leno

"More problems for Hillary Clinton. The head of New York state's leading gay rights group describes Hillary Clinton as a disappointment on same sex marriage. Today, her husband Bill described her as a disappointment on opposite sex marriage." --Jay Leno

That's what terrorism and gay people are for (remind me why I thought this was a good idea)

"Talk about an ordeal. Yesterday Senator Ted Kennedy was on an aircraft up here in the northeast and it was hit by lightning. They landed, luckily no one was hurt. But then he had to ride home from the airport with his son Patrick." --David Letterman

George W. Bush, “America needs to conduct this debate on immigration in a reasoned and respectful tone. We cannot build a unified country by inciting people to anger or playing on anyone's fears.

Jon Stewart,  "That's what terrorism and gay people are for."

"6,000 guardsmen deployed to the border. The guard, of course, terribly strapped, with so many of its members deployed to Iraq. Boy, I don't know what gave the guys who signed up for the National Guard the impression you can just join it and not have to do any work [on screen: a photo of Pres. Bush from his National Guard days.]" --Jon Stewart