Anniversaries go up to 8?! (Who was your fourth choice?)

Former House Speaker John Boehner says he still plans on voting for Trump even though he said, “Donald wasn’t my first choice, wasn’t my second choice, for that matter he wasn’t my third choice.” “Who was your fourth choice?” whispered Jeb. –Seth Meyers

Saudi Arabia yesterday became the first country in the world to grant citizenship to a robot. Oh, please, we made one vice president. –Seth Meyers

​​Tomorrow is Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner’s 8th wedding anniversary. Said Donald Trump, “Anniversaries go up to 8?!” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now, calm down. How about we just VOTE on it? (he hardly has the energy to execute anybody)

"Yesterday John Boehner led a group of 20 Republicans to see President Obama. Unfortunately when they got to the White House, the president was still black." –Bill Maher

I'm sorry to leave you for two months but I need a break. It has been very stressful. This is the time of year when I make the transition from medical marijuana to recreational marijuana. --Bill Maher

"Rick Perry has dropped 20 points in the polls in one week. They say he is so depressed about this, he hardly has the energy to execute anybody." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know, if they'd get off our butts and quit squeezing our nuts, we could enjoy Christmas (Hey, an electric bread box!)

"Yesterday in Louisiana, a judge denied an interracial couple a marriage license because he felt, I quote, their children would later suffer in life from being interracial. Like when they become president or win the Masters or get an Oscar."  --Jay Leno

"Talking to reporters today about the shutdown, John Boehner said, 'If ands or buts were candy and nuts, every day would be Christmas.' You know, if they'd get off our butts and quit squeezing our nuts, we could enjoy Christmas." –Jay Leno

"Hey, has anybody seen John McCain? He was a guest on the 'Rachael Ray' show today. You know, I think he's trying to attract younger voters. I think it might have backfired on him a little bit. Like when Rachael Ray put something in the microwave, McCain said, 'Hey, that's a pretty fancy breadbox you've got there. "Hey, an electric bread box!'" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm not sure what Cruz's speech was arguing for, but I'm guessing legalizing weed (30 Kramers)

"John Boehner. I feel sorry for you buddy. It's exhausting watching you try to maintain your dignity wrangling those Tea Party maniacs. You're like 'Seinfeld' if there were 30 Kramers." -Seth Meyers

"A new Fox News poll shows that disapproval of the Republican Party during the shutdown has jumped to 59 percent. And that's a Fox News poll. Talk about getting booed on your home field. By the way, if Fox News says it's 59 percent, that's like the real news saying it's 3,000 percent." -Seth Meyers

"Texas Sen. Ted Cruz gave a 21-hour speech on the floor of the Senate during which he read Dr. Seuss' 'Green Eggs and Ham,' did an impression of Darth Vader, and admitted his love for White Castle. I'm not sure what Cruz's speech was arguing for, but I'm guessing legalizing weed." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

But now he says that's all bong water under the bridge (extremely circumcised)

At a hardware store in California, a man was caught on camera attempting to steal a chainsaw, but stuffing it down his pants. Honestly, let him keep hit. He earned that chainsaw more than anyone who ever paid for it. The suspect got away and police are describing him as medium height, medium build, and extremely circumcised. --James Corden

Speaking of speakers, the man who Paul Ryan replaced as speaker of the House, Republican John Boehner, has announced he's joining the advisory board of one of the country's largest legal marijuana companies. Now here is the thing. For his entire congressional career, Boehner said that he was strongly opposed to legalizing marijuana. But now he says that's all bong water under the bridge. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Turn-ons include tax cuts and spray tans (apparently it had a pre-existing condition)

"A candidate for governor in Arkansas has revealed he used to be a male stripper. The stripper-turned-candidate is encouraging everyone to head to the polls next Tuesday. And also to go out and vote." –Craig Ferguson

"Not such a great day for health care reform. The so-called public option died on the Senate floor today. It could have survived, but apparently it had a pre-existing condition." –Craig Ferguson

"Now that Vladimir Putin's gotten rid of daylight savings, it's just a matter of time before he decides to get rid of daylight altogether." –Craig Ferguson

"Rep. John Boehner is the new speaker of the House. Turn-ons include tax cuts and spray tans." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It is very expensive to be poor (the ultimate beer goggles)

"Yesterday John Boehner led a group of 20 Republicans to see President Obama. Unfortunately when they got to the White House, the president was still black." –Bill Maher

"This NBC News poll has Republicans freaking out. They're having what they call now a 'boomerang effect.' Whatever Republicans were going against, Big Government and Obamacare, now is more popular than ever. I love the Tea Party, they are the ultimate beer goggles, they make everyone look better." –Bill Maher

"A lot of Republicans are blaming Obama for all of this unrest in the Middle East. Right, you know what, if we were attacked in Egypt, Libya, and Yemen, George Bush would know what to do. Invade Iraq." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You're like 'Seinfeld' if there were 30 Kramers (The language of the oppressor)

"Loser: John Boehner. I feel sorry for you buddy. It's exhausting watching you try to maintain your dignity wrangling those Tea Party maniacs. You're like 'Seinfeld' if there were 30 Kramers." -Seth Meyers

"Loser: GOP. A new Fox News poll shows that disapproval of the Republican Party during the shutdown has jumped to 59 percent. And that's a Fox News poll. Talk about getting booed on your home field. By the way, if Fox News says it's 59 percent, that's like the real news saying it's 3,000 percent." -Seth Meyers

"Texas Sen. Ted Cruz gave a 21-hour speech on the floor of the Senate during which he read Dr. Seuss' 'Green Eggs and Ham,' did an impression of Darth Vader, and admitted his love for White Castle. I'm not sure what Cruz's speech was arguing for, but I'm guessing legalizing weed." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

she took the time to help out a struggling senior with severely impaired judgment (it's just the only way they can keep selling papers)

July 2014

"I have always been a huge fan of Sarah Palin. She's a strong leader with a proven history of selflessness. I mean, in the midst of her 2008 campaign, she took the time to help out a struggling senior with severely impaired judgment." –Stephen Colbert

“John Boehner said Republicans have no plans to impeach President Obama. They were like, 'We're too busy trying to figure out how to impeach Hillary." –Jimmy Fallon

"The New York Times published an editorial calling on the federal government to legalize recreational marijuana. They don't really care about weed, it's just the only way they can keep selling papers." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Times said the government should legalize marijuana because the current laws against weed are useless and outdated. Then they said, 'You know, like a newspaper.'" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And for that, you've just won a pair of Stephen Colbert's big brass balls (Until I'm feeling good about myself)

"And now comes proof that John McCain has learned to use a computer, because evidently, he has plagiarized from the internets. Congressional Quarterly reported this week that McCain may have copied some facts in a recent speech on the Georgian crisis from Wikipedia. I think it should have been obvious when he referred to the country's leader as President 404 Error: File Not Found." --Stephen Colbert

"Now in the primary itself, this weekend, Obama wooed Pennsylvania's blue collar bowling vote by hitting the lanes [on screen: Obama throws a gutterball]. Actually hitting the sides of the lanes. Out of a possible score of 300, the Illinois senator scored a 37. He should have tried rolling it through his legs, like my six-year-old. It was the most disgraceful act of bowling by a politician since President Richard Nixon secretly dropped bowling balls on Cambodia." --Stephen Colbert

 

"It's time for me to give out an award to newly elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner was elected just a few days ago to reform House Republicans, who are feeling the heat from lobbyist scandals. Well, CNN found out that he rents his two-bedroom apartment from a lobbyist who had clients who had interests in legislation that Boehner sponsored. And for that, Mr. Boehner, you've just won a pair of Stephen Colbert's big brass balls." --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Doctors are working around the clock to make sure this condition continues (it's a total housekeeper magnet)

"Conservative commentator Glenn Beck is suffering from paralyzed vocal cords that have made him unable to speak. But not to worry – doctors are working around the clock to make sure this condition continues." –Conan O'Brien

Three Southwest Airlines baggage handlers are accused of smuggling drugs in luggage. The officials became suspicious when every single one of the Southwest bags made it to its destination.—Conan O’Brien

"House Speaker John Boehner called NSA's Edward Snowden a traitor. But only because he leaked the name of his tanning bed." –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has not taken off his wedding ring. When asked why, he said it's a total housekeeper magnet." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you think I'm paying for this war, you must be high (Hold my beer!)

"New Rule: If the Indians have a rocket that works, but the North Koreans don't, we have to stop being scared of North Korea and start being scared of India. Now, you may ask, why would the Indians launch a missile at us? Well, as Sarah Palin points out we did steal their land." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Let's follow Canada, and get rid of the penny. It costs more to make than it's worth. And we don't need another copper-colored reminder that government is a useless, stupid boondoggle. We already have John Boehner." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney has to be very careful because he doesn’t want to pick a vice president who will overshadow him. So he has narrowed the field to the other guy from Wham!, DJ Jazzy Jeff and Oates." –Bill Maher

"It is astounding, is it not, that the president, who was always so incestuously linked to oil companies for years and years is suddenly shocked, shocked, at what's going on. But I'm not surprised that Bush has no recollection of how gas prices got so high. He has no recollection of doing cocaine and that was right under his nose." --Bill Maher

 

"President Bush was hosting the Chinese president at the White House, President Hu. Or as I call them when they're together: President Hu and President Huh? It was actually a very controversial summit. Some think it's wrong to meet a dictator with a deplorable human rights record, but apparently President Hu was okay with it." --Bill Maher

 

"Your taxes are due a week from today. You can make out your check directly to Halliburton. Or you can do what I'm going to do. I'm filing my first joint return. No, I'm not getting married, I'm sending the IRS an actual joint with a note that says, 'If you think I'm paying for this war, you must be high.'" --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

His grandson showed him how to use a bong (which explains why Goofy is missing all but two teeth)

A new study claims 1 in 50 men is unwittingly raising someone else’s child. I was shocked, and so was my son, "Rodrigo Garcia." –Conan O’Brien

Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino from "Jersey Shore" is facing up to 15 years in prison on tax evasion charges. So basically, if you’re a reality star in this country and you don’t pay your taxes, we either put you in prison or make you President of the United States. –Conan O’Brien

DEA officials have seized 500 pounds of meth concealed inside Disney figurines, which explains why Goofy is missing all but two teeth. --Conan O’Brien

“Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney has no principles. In other words, he has given Romney his official endorsement.” –Conan O’Brien

Former House Speaker John Boehner has joined the board of a marijuana company and today he said his "thinking on cannabis has evolved." That can only mean really one thing: His grandson showed him how to use a bong. --Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

and it also makes SpongeBob SquarePants hilarious (we're getting rid of stuff that's bronze and useless)

"Now people want Brian Williams to resign, but it could have a happy ending. Apparently what he said was such a blatant departure from the truth, today he got an offer from Fox News." –Bill Maher

"Rand Paul and Chris Christie both said vaccinations should be a choice, not a government mandate. Because when have Republicans ever told people what they could do with their own bodies?" –Bill Maher

"Obama hosted a Google chat and somebody asked him why don't we get rid of the penny. And he said as long as we're getting rid of stuff that's bronze and useless, how about John Boehner?" –Bill Maher

"Senator Mitch McConnell came out for legalizing hemp. He said during these tough economic times, this legislation has the potential to create jobs, provide a boost to Kentucky's economy and our farmers, and it also makes SpongeBob SquarePants hilarious." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I was a little surprised that he hash-tagged it, 'so hung over.' (Take a bow, W., Take a bow)

March 2014

"It was so dark in Washington that when the power went out the only thing that was glowing was John Boehner's face." –David Letterman

"As soon as the lights in Washington went out, Senator John McCain tried to clap them back on." –David Letterman

"This week Pope Francis is celebrating his first anniversary as Pope, and he tweeted to his 3.7 million followers 'Please pray for me.' I was a little surprised that he hash-tagged it, 'so hung over.'" –Seth Meyers

"The Obama administration announced it is going to require colleges and vocational schools to demonstrate that they are properly preparing students for jobs after college. So don't be surprised if your chemistry class tomorrow is all about how to make a cappuccino." –Seth Meyers

"The average American citizen – you hear the statistic all the time – works six months out of the year for the government. That's how difficult the taxes are in this country. We work six months out of the year. Government employees don't even do that." –David Letterman 

"The situation in Ukraine keeps getting more tense. And now Vladimir Putin has moved 10,000 troops to the Russian-Ukrainian border. Russia says its troops are there only for a training exercise. When asked what they're training for, Russian officials said, 'Invading Ukraine.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sounds like someone's not handling the breakup well (self-portraits of other people)

"House Speaker John Boehner said the Republican Party will no longer stand in the way of gay marriage. Then Boehner said, 'Now can I go to Elton John's Oscar party?'" –Conan O'Brien

"Some self-portraits painted by former President George W. Bush have leaked onto the Internet. Bush said, 'If you like these, wait until you see my self-portraits of other people.'" –Conan O'Brien

"In Sochi, a man who criticized the Sochi games was sentenced to three years in a prison colony. After hearing the sentence, the man said it's still better than a hotel in Sochi." –Conan O'Brien

"NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay. Williams said he's not worried because soon his veterans benefits will kick in." –Conan O'Brien

"The Vatican was struck by lightning after the Pope announced he was retiring. That really happened. Sounds like someone's not handling the breakup well." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But when you do, let us know how you did it! (the silent treatment)

November 2013

"The Department of Homeland Security revealed that hackers have attempted more than a dozen cyber-attacks on the Obamacare website, but couldn't get in. Then Obama said, 'But when you do, let us know how you did it!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"House Speaker John Boehner said the Senate's immigration bill is so long that nobody has even read it. It's always good to hear the Senate is taking the same approach on legislation that I take with the iTunes user agreement." –Jimmy Fallon

"A growing number of women are joining the CIA. The CIA is now 46 percent women. Which explains that new method of torture: the silent treatment." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

Yeah, gotta go with the Taliban on this one (No wait, that's C-SPAN)

October 2013

"Nobody’s happy about the government shutdown. In fact, the Taliban just issued a statement where they criticized Congress for putting themselves before everyone else. You know things are bad when Americans are saying, 'Yeah, gotta go with the Taliban on this one.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"If you've never seen 'The Walking Dead,' it's basically a bunch of bloodthirsty zombies slowly devouring what's left of America. No wait, that's C-SPAN." –Craig Ferguson

"They passed out the Nobel Prizes. The Nobel Prize for lack of chemistry – that's an interesting category – went to John Boehner and Barack Obama." –David Letterman

"President Obama's approval rating is down to 37 percent. Time to kill bin Laden again." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

when they got to the White House, the president was still black (what I like to call the moron trifecta)

October 2013

"New Rule: If you get salmonella because of the government shutdown and die, then John Boehner has to come to your funeral. How can he resist? Funerals have the two things he loves the most: crying and an open bar." – Bill Maher

"New Rule: Bill O'Reilly has to tell us why he's always thinking about murder. Yes, since Obama was elected Bill O'Reilly has written three books about killing major historical figures. And Bill, I agree - how tragic that Kennedy, Lincoln and Jesus, these heroic, liberal, social reformers, had to die after being vilified by panicky, backwards-looking conservative blowhards. You surely did a great service pointing this out, and I look forward to your new children's book… Killing the Cat in the Hat." –Bill Maher

"Republicans' Thanksgiving is a little different; before eating they go around the table and everybody says what they're hateful for." –Bill Maher

"There are these people they're calling 'debt ceiling deniers' – Republicans who have decided that, unlike every economist on the entire planet, maybe defaulting on our debt would be a good thing. First they didn't believe in evolution, then they didn't believe in global warming, and now the debt ceiling; what I like to call the 'moron trifecta.'" –Bill Maher

"Yesterday John Boehner led a group of 20 Republicans to see President Obama. Unfortunately when they got to the White House, the president was still black." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”