David Letterman's Top Ten Signs the Government Is Spying On You (April 2009)

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs the Government Is Spying On You

10. Your kitty has a satellite dish on his head.

9. At the restaurant waiter urges, "Speak directly into the dinner rolls."

8. Your car's GPS unit has an awful lot of questions.

7. "Girl Scout" delivering your thin mints is 6’4”, 270.

6. Keep finding underpants labeled "Agent Morales."

5. Mailman warns you, "This conversation may be recorded for quality control purposes."

4. NSA sends over sexy lingerie they'd like your wife to wear.

3. You sing in the shower, a mysterious voice responds, "A little pitchy."

2. There's a Navy Seal hiding in your fish tank.

1. Several times a week, you get chloroformed, stuffed in a trunk and dumped in Mexico.

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs the Government Is Spying On You

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs the Government Is Spying On You (April 2009)

10. Your kitty has a satellite dish on his head.

9. At restaurant waiter urges, "Speak directly into the dinner rolls."

8. Your car's GPS unit has an awful lot of questions.

7. "Girl Scout" delivering your thin mints is 6'4, 270.

6. Keep finding underpants labeled "Agent Morales."

5. Mailman warns you, "This conversation may be recorded for quality control purposes."

4. NSA sends over sexy lingerie they'd like your wife to wear.

3. You sing in the shower, a mysterious voice responds, "A little pitchy."

2. There's a Navy Seal hiding in your fish tank.

1. Several times a week, you get chloroformed, stuffed in a trunk and dumped in Mexico

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Do you fellows play sportball? (Didn't I fire your father?)

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Mitt Romney Begins

Conversations With Teens"

10. "How's puberty going?" 

9. "Where do you summer?" 

8. "Do you fellows play sportball?" 

7. "Nice shirt — you know, my friend owns the Gap" 

6. "You teens are just the right height" 

5. "Check out my sick Windsor knot" 

4. "Would you like to see my dancing horse?" 

3. "Raise the roof if your municipal bonds have reached maturity" 

2. Just like this: (video of Mitt saying "Who let the dogs out?") 

1. "Didn't I fire your father?"

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Top Ten Other Ways Mitt Romney Describes Doughnuts (Glazed Giddy-Ups)

David Letterman's "Top Ten Other Ways Mitt Romney Describes Doughnuts"

10. Powdered Snack Cylinders

9. Dessert Bagels

8. Leavened Batter Globules

7. Sugary Pastry Tires

6. Perforated Strudel Orbs

5. Saturated Fat Wheels

4. Dunking Muffins

3. Glazed Giddy-Ups

2. Chris Christie Kremes

1. The Cadillac of Pastries

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Top Ten Ways Mitt Romney Begins Conversations With Teens (Didn't I fire your father?)

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Mitt Romney Begins Conversations

With Teens"

10. "How's puberty going?"

9. "Where do you summer?"

8. "Do you fellows play sportball?"

7. "Nice shirt — you know, my friend owns the Gap"

6. "You teens are just the right height"

5. "Check out my sick Windsor knot"

4. "Would you like to see my dancing horse?"

3. "Raise the roof if your municipal bonds have reached maturity"

2. Just like this: (video of Mitt saying "Who let the dogs out?")

1. "Didn't I fire your father?"

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Calm down, it wasn't strip poker (Top Ten John McCain Excuses)

September 2013

David Letterman's "Top Ten John McCain Excuses" 

(after he got caught playing poker on his iPhone during 

a Senate hearing on Syria)

10. "Leave me alone -- I'm a hundred years old"

9. "Can't gamble in casinos since getting caught counting cards"

8. "Relax, it's just a war hearing"

7. "Is Reagan upset?"

6. "I was on the phone with IBM headquarters in Dallas"

5. "Still able to pay attention to hearings on Iraq or Iran or whatever"

4. "At least it wasn't some sissy game like 'Bejeweled'"

3. "Someone has to win back our $17 trillion"

2. "Better idea than Palin"

1. "Calm down, it wasn't strip poker"

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Guy Dressed As Abraham Lincoln"

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Guy Dressed As Abraham Lincoln"

10. "How about you and I form a more perfect union?"
9. "Who wants to touch my beard?"
8. "Daniel-Day Lewis wishes he looked this good"
7. "Is it true Bloomberg outlawed hats over 16 ounces?"
6. "Damn, girl, you make Mary Todd look like Ulysses S. Grant"
5. (Holding $5 bill next to face) "Does the $5 bill make me look fat?"
4. "Wow, I thought my clothing was outdated"
3. "It's Presidents' Day, how 'bout a hug?"
2. "Hey, where's my idiot son, Abraham W. Lincoln?"
1. "Hey, jackass, you gonna thank me for the day off?"

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Top Ten Things You May Not Know About The United States Supreme Court (Fridays are "robe optional")

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things You May Not Know About The United States Supreme Court"

10. For summer promotional campaign, it's been renamed the Taco Bell Big Beef Supreme Court
9. Public courtroom seating has a two-drink minimum
8. Under rare circumstances, decision is handed down based on applause
7. Court mascot "Supreme Kurt" is available for parties and corporate events
6. Prior to oral arguments, the justices spend 15 minutes discussing "Hot Topics"
5. Court basement features an indoor gavel range
4. Thanks to grass-roots Internet campaign, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg will host "Saturday Night Live"
3. For the last two weeks, Chief Justice John Roberts has been out on jury duty
2. Fridays are "robe optional"
1. Antonin Scalia: Vampire Hunter

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Top Ten Other Ways Mitt Romney Describes Doughnuts

June 2012

David Letterman's "Top Ten Other Ways Mitt Romney Describes Doughnuts"

10. Powdered Snack Cylinders
9. Dessert Bagels
8. Leavened Batter Globules
7. Sugary Pastry Tires
6. Perforated Strudel Orbs
5. Saturated Fat Wheels
4. Dunking Muffins
3. Glazed Giddy-Ups
2. Chris Christie Kremes
1. The Cadillac of Pastries

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Top Ten Subject Lines of Emails Received By Mitt Romney (can I ride your dancing horse?)

June 2012

David Letterman's "Top Ten Subject Lines of Emails Received By Mitt Romney"

10. Meet other attractive Mitts in your area
9. Newt here, regarding the VP job
8. Reminder: It's been over a month since you've purchased a Cadillac
7. Confirming your 2:30, 5:30, and 9 o'clock haircuts 6. 20% off at beach-house-car-elevators.com
5. Nice slacks, bro!
4. Your Marie Osmond tickets have shipped
2. If I vote for you, can I ride your dancing horse?
1. Warning: your hacked password is about to expire

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Spending $50 On A Photo With Newt Gingrich (three wives)

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Spending $50 On A Photo With Newt Gingrich”

10. How much have I paid for pictures with other guys named Newt? 

9. Should I just photograph myself burning $50? 

8. Do I look Newty enough? 

7. Should I just get a free photo with some other guy who's not going to be president? 

6. Do I have to touch him? 

5. Is this how Newt met his three wives? 

4. Seriously, have I lost my mind? 

3. Does Newt have to be in the photo? 

2. What would Rick Santorum think of this idea? 

1. Will Rush Limbaugh think I'm a slut?

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Top Ten Other Things Mitt Romney Says He Likes About Michigan's Trees (You my oppressor)

February 2012

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Other Things Mitt Romney Says He Likes About Michigan's Trees”

10. "I seem less wooden standing next to one" 

9. "In a pinch, sap makes a great hair gel" 

8. "They're also just the right width" 

7. "It's fun hiring illegal immigrants to rake up their leaves" 

6. "They're not gay, like palm trees" 

5. "They don't shed their foliage as quickly as those slutty Rhode Island trees" 

4. "They look great next to my wife's Cadillacs" 

3. "Trees don't whine when strapped to your car roof"

2. "They're not afraid to stand up to the auto industry"

1. "Like me, they lean whichever way the wind blows"

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Top Ten Things You Shouldn't Say In An Academy Awards Acceptance Speech (polishing my statuette)

February 2012

David Letterman’s "Top Ten Things You Shouldn't Say In An Academy Awards Acceptance Speech”

10. "This is for you, Kim Jong-Il" 

9. "I've had sex with every woman in this year's dead actor montage" 

8. "Take that, 99-percenters!" 

7. "I'd like to take this opportunity to endorse the next President of the United States, Rick Santorum" 

6. "I owe it all to my creepy religious cult" 

5. "My wife drives a couple of Cadillacs" 

4. "Now I'd like to say a few words about Cool Ranch Doritos" 

3. "I share this award with my drug-mule, Hector" 

2. "I'd like to thank my sham wife for not revealing I'm gay" 

1. "I'll be in the men's room, 'polishing my statuette'"

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Top Ten Other Movies About Mitt Romney (Dog On A Hot Car Roof)

February 2012

David Letterman’s “Top Ten Other Movies About Mitt Romney”

10. Dial M For Mitt 

9. Mitty Mitty Bang Bang 

8. The Mittrix 

7. Butch Romney And The Sundance Mitt 

6. Mittion: Impossible 

5. When Harry Mitt Romney 

4. Terms of Endearmitt 

3. Mr. Romney Doesn't Go To Washington 

2. Dog On A Hot Car Roof 

1. They're Just Not That Into You

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Top Ten Secret Service Code Names You Don’t Want (Osama)

David Letterman’s "Top Ten Secret Service Code Names You Don’t Want"

10. Dopey
9. Gasbag
8. One-Termer
7. Hasselhoff
6. Italian Cruise Ship Captain
5. German Grandmother
4. Dubya
3. Load
2. Not My Problem
1. Osama

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Top Ten Signs Mitt Romney Is Getting Cocky (So's your mother)

January 2012

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Mitt Romney Is Getting Cocky"

10. Answers all questions with, "So's your mother" 

9. Offered Santorum a 10,000-vote head start in South Carolina primary 

8. He's forwarding his mail to the White House — Wow, that's cocky 

7. Skipping next three primaries to go on tour with Young Jeezy 

6. Started selling his own commemorative presidential plates on QVC 

5. Donated $50,000 to Rick Perry's campaign 

4. Now spelling "Mittt" with three T's 

3. Ended debate by taking out wad of bills and "making it rain" 

2. Wants to rename states Mittchigan, Mittsouri, Mittsissippi, and New Mittsico 

1. Offered to help Newt with his concession speech

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Top Ten Things Michele Bachmann Said During Her Trip To New York City (tiniest mayor ever)

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Michele Bachmann Said During Her Trip To New York City"

10. A pigeon just nested in my hair

9. Will the Holland Tunnel take me to Holland?

8. Where does Batman live?

7. Hold on, I'm getting a text from Anthony Weiner 

6. Where are the Jews?

5. He has to be the tiniest mayor ever

4. It's such an honor to be here in The Windy City 

3. If you won't endorse me, Mr. Trump, would you consider me for Celebrity Apprentice? 

2. They've got more hookers here than a congressional Christmas party 

1. There goes Letterman . . . Get him!

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Only other options were the nutjob, the crackpot, the pizza dude and Newt (sounds like pastrami)

David Letterman's "Top Ten Reasons Chris Christie Endorsed Mitt Romney"

10. Romney sounds like pastrami

9. Perry wouldn't let him fry eggs on the Texas electric chair

8. Two liters of Shop Rite root beer and a king size Snickers did the trick

7. If elected, Romney said he'd overturn rule requiring enormous people to buy extra airplane seat

6. Needed something to do between lunch and second lunch

5. Acting on direct orders from Colonel Sanders

4. It was a close call between him and Rick Santorum -- just kidding

3. Mistook Mitt's repeated 'bi-partisan' references to mean two kinds of cheese

2. Movie star good looks -- who could resist?

1. Only other options were the nutjob, the crackpot, the pizza dude and Newt

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Rick Perry Plans To Spend $17 Million" (I'm totally messing with you)

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Rick Perry Plans To Spend $17 Million"

10. Death row taco bar

9. Two words: Alberto VO5

8. Hire staff to write some more great zingers like this . . .

7. Always wanted to see Branson

6. Spend a weekend at his hunting lodge with Hank Williams, Jr.

5. $8.5 million on campaign buttons; $8.5 million on bumper stickers

4. Health care for all Texans . . . I'm totally messing with you

3. Shut up or he'll execute you

2. Get a fabulous makeover from Michele Bachmann's husband

1. Buy lunch for Chris Christie

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”