Coincidentally, that's the last thing Kamala said to Joe before he dropped out (Insect burgers)

A Minnesota woman's mugshot has gone viral because she really resembles Jennifer Lopez. In fact, she is such a dead ringer for JLo, it took police three hours to pat down her a**. —Kennedy 

Sydney Sweeney lost more than 200,000 Instagram followers after her naked commercial. All from wives whose husbands got boners watching it. —Kennedy 

The Trump administration is now considering paying stay-at-home parents $9,000 per child every year, causing Hunter Biden to finally ask to meet his seven-year-old. —Kennedy 

A Carnegie Mellon professor is on leave after her disturbing ex post surfaced, reading, "Die first, white man. Then ask yourself why I'm dancing.” Coincidentally, that's the last thing Kamala said to Joe before he dropped out. —Kennedy

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a no slip rapture grip so the lid can yank me into heaven (wardrobe malfunction)

President Trump’s recent speech at a Medal of Honor ceremony, where his rambling remarks included comments about the White House drapes. The president added that he attempted to get a Medal of Honor for himself, but was told that it would “be bad protocol”. I just want you to consider how many things he’s admitting here. He’s admitting he tried to give himself a Medal of Honor, he’s admitting it’s a bad look and he’s admitting that he had to be told it’s a bad look. —Seth Meyers

A CNN poll found that 59% of Americans disapprove of the Iran strikes, as well as reports that US commanders at military bases have told troops that “President Trump has been anointed by Jesus to light the signal fire in Iran to cause Armageddon and mark his return to Earth.” That’s one exit strategy! I’m dusting off this gold helmet with a no slip rapture grip so the lid can yank me into heaven. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Our freedom depends on it (tested positive for a second case of Affleck)

“Joe Biden has tested positive for Covid for the second time days after testing negative, a rebound case after taking the anti-viral drug Paxlovid. Wow, getting Covid twice in a row because you took Paxlovid? Who could’ve seen this coming? Me, that’s who. (Colbert had two bouts of Covid in May after taking Paxlovid.) It’s happened to a lot of folks. I don’t know anyone who’s taken Paxlovid who didn’t get it again. It’s the hottest rebound since JLo tested positive for a second case of Affleck.” —Stephen Colbert

Mylan, the company that produces these EpiPens, have jacked up the price of these pens from less than $100 for a pair, to over $600. That price is enough to send you into shock, but don't do it because you can't afford the pen anymore. –Stephen Colbert

“Experts say the rebound infections are caused by ‘insufficient drug exposure’ – as in, not enough of the drug gets into infected cells to stop all viral replication. So the Covid pops right back up, which is why the White House is trying to give Paxlovid to Biden’s poll numbers.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

we've had presidents show up to the inauguration with pregnant slaves (But Trump don't know that)

The presidency of the United States is not the most dignified job in the world. You know, we've had presidents show up to the inauguration with pregnant slaves. And I'm just talking about Bill Clinton. —Chris Rock

I have real condolences for, you know, the health care CEO. I mean, this is a real person, you know? But you also got to go, You know, sometimes drug dealers get shot. —Chris Rock

When it comes to immigration, Trump isn’t playing around. J. Lo is going to marry Ben Affleck again just so she can stay in the country. I know she's not Mexican. But Trump don't know that. —Chris Rock

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's like the Civil War, if you replace slavery with waffle fries (Spock's neck and shoulder massage)

Remember a few months ago when future former President Barack Obama got Iran to release four American prisoners? Well, it turns out he forgot to tell us about a small shipping and handling fee. Because as the prisoners were freed, $400 million was flown to Iran on a plane loaded with cash. Don't you hate it when you're on an airplane and you get stuck sitting next to $400 million? You don't know who gets the armrest. –Stephen Colbert

"This crisis has pitted brother against lower cholesterol brother. It's like the Civil War, if you replace slavery with waffle fries." –Stephen Colbert on the Chick-Fil-A controversy

“Joe Biden has tested positive for Covid for the second time days after testing negative, a rebound case after taking the anti-viral drug Paxlovid. Wow, getting Covid twice in a row because you took Paxlovid? Who could’ve seen this coming? Me, that’s who. (Colbert had two bouts of Covid in May after taking Paxlovid.) It’s happened to a lot of folks. I don’t know anyone who’s taken Paxlovid who didn’t get it again. It’s the hottest rebound since JLo tested positive for a second case of Affleck.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

He’s going to be the first royal to ascend the throne in one of those motorized stairlifts (I have No Idea what I'm doing)

September 2022

“Queen Elizabeth II, Britain’s longest-serving monarch, has died at the age of 96. To put it into perspective for Americans, this would be like if Kris Jenner died here. The queen is known as England’s rock, and we don’t have a rock here. The closest thing we have to a rock in America is The Rock.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“When you think of all the people that the Queen has met with over the last 70 years, it’s really remarkable. She’s met everyone from Lady Bird Johnson to Lady Gaga, from Bill Clinton to Will.i.am, she met JFK and JLo, she’s met the Beatles and the Spice Girls, she’s met the Iron Lady and the Iron Throne.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Whatever you think about the royal family or the monarchy, you’ve gotta admit, it’s insane how long Elizabeth sat on the throne. She came to power in 1952. You understand how long that is? That means she’s seen Adam West as Batman, Michael Keaton as Batman, Christian Bale as Batman, Ben Affleck as Batman, survived that and then saw Robert Pattinson as Batman. In other words, she’s been in the game for a minute.” —Trevor Noah

“Elizabeth’s son Charles is now king at 73 years old, and until today, he still had the same title as his own grandchildren. That was weird. The world wasn’t made for an old prince. I can tell you now, there is no one in a Disney movie who’s like ‘someday my prince will come, and he’ll wear orthopedic shoes and eat cottage cheese for meals.’ Charles is so old, he’s going to be the first royal to ascend the throne in one of those motorized stairlifts.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s the hottest rebound since JLo tested positive for a second case of Affleck (political jokey make-em-ups)

August 2022

“Joe Biden has tested positive for Covid for the second time days after testing negative, a rebound case after taking the anti-viral drug Paxlovid. Wow, getting Covid twice in a row because you took Paxlovid? Who could’ve seen this coming? Me, that’s who. (Colbert had two bouts of Covid in May after taking Paxlovid.) It’s happened to a lot of folks. I don’t know anyone who’s taken Paxlovid who didn’t get it again. It’s the hottest rebound since JLo tested positive for a second case of Affleck.” —Stephen Colbert

“Experts say the rebound infections are caused by ‘insufficient drug exposure’ – as in, not enough of the drug gets into infected cells to stop all viral replication. So the Covid pops right back up, which is why the White House is trying to give Paxlovid to Biden’s poll numbers.” —Stephen Colbert

“I’ve been making the political jokey make-em-ups for over 20 years now, and I have never seen anything so baldly cynical and pointlessly malicious as this. And if there are children in the room, tell them to age quickly and please vote. The Pact Act, which would expand healthcare coverage to military veterans exposed to toxic chemicals or burn pits during their service was up for a vote. That’s something we can agree on – if we’re going to go to war, we have to take care of the warriors. Both the House and the Senate initially passed the bill, but due to an administrative issue, the Senate had to revote. Twenty-five Republican senators flipped their votes, blocking the Pact Act’s passage. Why would Republicans screw over veterans on a bill that they previously voted for? Well, one theory is that they had their boxers in a bunch after Joe Manchin and Chuck Schumer secretly negotiated a big climate deal. Jon Tester, Democratic senator from Montana, attributed the vote to ‘political payback’ from people who had ‘lost their minds’. Well, that would be some misdirected anger, GOP. That’s like a quarterback saying, ‘OK, huddle up, we’re down 20, I just threw an interception and the other team scored. Here’s the play: I’m going to go sucker-punch that old guy at the hot dog stand.’ Can you believe Ted Cruz, who fist-bumped fellow GOP senator Steve Daines after blocking the bill for veterans’ healthcare he had previously voted for. I imagine there’s some veterans out there who would also like to bump Ted Cruz with their fists.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because right now, that’s the only way a Red Sox fan can get a win in the Bronx (Or, as I prefer, ‘Jennifer 2: Jen-flecktric Boogaffleck.’)

July 2022

“That’s right, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez reportedly got married over the weekend. Because right now, that’s the only way a Red Sox fan can get a win in the Bronx.” —Seth Meyers

“That’s right, they got married at a drive-through chapel. You know inflation is bad when even those two are, like, ‘Let’s just do it in Vegas.’ The guy who married them was, like, ‘Wow, you two are the best Ben and J. Lo impersonators I’ve ever seen — you’re really good.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Love is real! If they can make it work, there’s hope for every attractive millionaire celebrity couple with a skin-care line.” —Stephen Colbert

“And as I’m sure you know, the two were engaged years ago, but now they’ve made it official. It’s Bennifer again-i-fer! Or, as I prefer, ‘Jennifer 2: Jen-flecktric Boogaffleck.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I fully support what’s his face — he’s the best (They already pay 97% of our campaign contributions)

May 2022

“Former President Donald Trump mistakenly endorsed ‘J.D. Mandel’ for Senate in Ohio at a rally on Sunday, conflating his intended Republican choice, J.D. Vance, with Vance’s opponent, Josh Mandel. This guy can’t even be bothered to remember the names of the people he’s endorsing. He went from ‘J.P.’ to ‘J.D. Mandel.’ If he kept talking, he would have endorsed J.K. Rowling.” —Seth Meyers

“This is how much you have to forfeit your dignity to succeed in today’s Republican Party. You have to grovel and debase yourself to earn the endorsement of a guy who can’t even remember your name.” —Seth Meyers

“That’s bad enough, but then he said, ‘J.D. Mandel will win or my name isn’t Donald Vance.’” —Seth Meyers

“[Imitating Donald Trump] ‘Great guy. J.P. Morgan is great. Can’t say enough about J.C. Penney — I don’t think you can. We love you, J. Lo, we love you.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“I’m not sure if it’s a ringing endorsement when you’re like, ‘I fully support what’s his face — he’s the best.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Trump said even the best leaders make mistakes sometimes, like our great President Abra-george Lincoln-ton.” —Jimmy Fallon

“You could see even the crowd was looking like, ‘Ah, man!’ They look like parents watching their kid bombing in a spelling bee.” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The child of fear, the father of ignorance, and the weapon of tyrants (That’s how you get an Eric)

April 2022

“John Eastman, a former legal adviser to Donald Trump, has continued pushing to decertify the 2020 election, as recently as March. That’s right, the election that’s been over for a year and a half, and that Biden won. To put that into perspective, when the election was decided, J. Lo was engaged to a different guy.” —Stephen Colbert

“Here’s what happened: About three weeks ago, Eastman took a trip to Wisconsin and urged Republican Wisconsin Assembly speaker Robin Vos to nullify the 2020 election — specifically, to start ‘reclaiming the electors’ and move forward with either having a new slate of electors seated that would declare someone else the winner, or a ‘do over. ‘A ‘do over’? Our ex-president isn’t allowed a do over just because he didn’t like the result the first time. That’s how you get an Eric.” —Stephen Colbert

“One problem with Eastman’s plan — all of it. He’s trying to re-litigate the 2020 election, which legal experts say is impossible. Only if you don’t believe in yourself — that’s why I’ll never throw away my Mondale ’84 signs.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We have come a long way to perfecting our union (Worse, he meant it as a compliment)

April 2022

The senate confirmed Ketanji Brown Jackson, making her the first black woman to serve on the Supreme Court. I’ll drink to that said Brett Kavanaugh. —Colin Jost

Justice Jackson was honored Friday at the White House ceremony and said, ‘We have come a long way to perfecting our union.’ Which is also a direct quote from Ben Affleck’s proposal to J. Lo. —Colin Jost

Republican senator Tom Cotton, who wants everyone to cool it with the long neck jokes, said that he believes that Supreme Court Justice Jackson would have defended the Nazis. Worse, he meant it as a compliment. —Colin Jost

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Here are the funds for your Death Star, Lord Trump (I wondered how my parents ever did it)

June 2012

"There's talk that if Jennifer Lopez leaves "American Idol" they're going to bring back Paula Abdul. Insiders say Paula was chosen over Chief Justice John Roberts, who producers felt was too unpredictable." –Jay Leno 

"Vice President Joe Biden made a sex joke during his speech yesterday, referring to the house he grew up in. They didn't have much and Biden said, 'The walls were very thin and I wondered how my parents ever did it.' Do you get the feeling every time Joe Biden speaks, President Obama wishes Biden's parents never really did do it?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

J. Lo should have gotten the chance to try (I still left early to beat traffic)

February 2021

“That’s right, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers beat the Kansas City Chiefs in last night’s Super Bowl, and look, I know it’s hard to win back-to-back Super Bowls, but honestly, J. Lo should have gotten the chance to try.” —Seth Meyers

“Yep, today in Boston, fans are happy for Brady but sad that he left the Patriots, which probably explains Sam Adams’s new beer, Sam Adams’s Bittahsweet Teahs.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Seriously, the game was such a dud. I watched it from home and I still left early to beat traffic.” —Jimmy Fallon

“At a certain point, even Buccaneers fans were like, ‘Just end the game so we can get to Queen Latifah.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And now we know the answer: not really. Just barely (When they go low, we go J. Lo)

January 2021

“After four years of struggling just to slow down Trump’s malicious agenda, Democrats are in an unimaginable position: We can finally do things that help people.” —Samantha Bee

“To paraphrase Michelle Obama, ‘When they go low, we go J. Lo’ — and we did.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Today this country showed the world that there is no MyPillow large enough to smother our democracy.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“You know, I remember going back to the day Donald Trump was inaugurated, such a terrible day, and wondering, can our country even survive four years of this? And now we know the answer: not really. Just barely.” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

had we not been going 70 m.p.h./the Dalai Lama asked.../10 years too late

July 2011

"While testifying in parliament, Rupert Murdoch was attacked by a man who threw a pie and yelled insulting names. Murdoch immediately gave the man a show on Fox News." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama had a private meeting with the Dalai Lama. The President asked about the political situation in Tiber, and the Dalai Lama asked if it was too soon to bang Jennifer Lopez." –Conan O'Brien

"NASA is considering replacing the space shuttle with a space taxi. It can do everything the shuttle can do, except pick you up if you're black." –Conan O'Brien

"A panel of medical experts has recommended that health insurance companies provide free birth control to their customers. The recommendation has been hailed as 'historic' by women's' groups, and as '10 years too late' by Maria Shriver." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

And speaking of the end of the world, there are only 4 Oprah shows left (he buys his engagement rings in bulk)

May 2011

"Everyone in the blamestream media, copyright, is saying Newt Gingrich is on the ropes. Wrong, you parasites. This man will rise again, just like the sourdough he appears to be made of." –Stephen Colbert

"There is a simple explanation for this because Newt Gingrich buys his engagement rings in bulk." –Stephen Colbert, on Newt Gingrich running up $500 thousand dollar in Tiffany's debt

"The world is ending on Saturday. It would really, really suck if we only get to live three weeks longer than bin laden." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The world is ending on Saturday. We will be judged by Randy and J-Lo, and then I guess we go to Hell. It would really, really suck if we only got to live 3 weeks longer than bin Laden. And speaking of the end of the world, there are only 4 Oprah shows left." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

we can’t expect the president of the United States to keep track of all the states (the same technology as Wonder Woman)

“They really killed it during the halftime show. But some people were really pissed that J.Lo pulled out a stripper pole to do some moves during the halftime show. Now look, I understand some parents might be angry because there are kids who watch the game, so just tell your kids J.Lo is a fireman, all right? Problem solved.” —Trevor Noah

Before the Super Bowl, Fox had Sean Hannity, Fox News host and guy who definitely names his guns, interview Trump, who spent time spreading an unverified story that Michael Bloomberg asked for a box to stand on during the Democratic debates. This is the genius of Donald Trump. Maybe Bloomberg can convince the DNC to give the debates a 70s theme so he can show up in his platforms. God damn what a low blow, although for Bloomberg, every blow is a low blow. —Trevor Noah

Trump was talking about stealth military jets the other day. He genuinely thinks stealth means invisible. His brain is only capable of thinking in cartoons. He actually believes the military has developed the same technology as Wonder Woman. —Seth Meyers

“Now, I know it’s confusing that there are two Kansas Cities to a middle schooler who’s just finding out about it, but I guess we can’t expect the president of the United States to keep track of all the states.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Bob Hope did the same choreography (they all look like pork chops to me)

“First, Shakira, whose hips again did not lie while under oath. Then, there was J.Lo, who showed off an impressive pole dance. It’s a tradition dating back to Super Bowl I, when Bob Hope did the same choreography.” —Stephen Colbert

“Here’s the thing you already know: The Kansas City Chiefs are based in Kansas City, Missouri. [Imitating Trump] ‘Oh, I know Missouri. It’s the Show-Me State because you have to show me where it is on the map. Is it the one — let me ask you this, let me ask you this: Is it the one that looks like a pork chop? Trick question — they all look like pork chops to me.’” —Stephen Colbert

“President Trump’s legal adviser, Jenna Ellis, criticized the Super Bowl halftime show as demeaning to women. Yeah, yeah, she said the president believes there’s a time and a place to demean women and that’s Twitter.” —Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It was like watching a really old dog trying to get up on the couch (J-Lo stripper movie)

Did you watch the debate? I watched all three hours of the debate and I gotta say, Jameis Winston looked really good last night. Maybe that wasn’t the debate I was watching? Three hours, come on. I mean by the end of it Mayor Pete looked like he could buy beer. Three hours. It was so long that Cory Booker at one point ducked out to catch that J-Lo stripper movie, and he got back before anyone noticed. --Bill Maher

At the debates Beto O’Rourke went hard on guns. Did you see that? He said, ‘Hell yes, take away your AK-47,’ and when he said AK-47, Joe Biden said Bingo! --Bill Maher

Joe Biden looked pretty good until the end and then he answered a question about slavery reparations and then we're talking about teachers pay and Venezuela and record players. It was like watching a really old dog trying to get up on the couch. --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

who is a jerk who looks like a liar

Donald Trump said that Ted Cruz is a liar who looks like a jerk. Not to be confused with Trump, who is a jerk who looks like a liar. –Seth Meyers

A matador in Spain is under investigation after a video surfaced of him bullfighting while holding his 5-month-old baby girl in his arms. But to be fair, it was Take Your Daughter to Work Day. –Seth Meyers

Jennifer Lopez started her Las Vegas residency at Planet Hollywood last week and this weekend accidentally split her pants during a performance. And the weirdest part was when she split her pants, Lenny Kravitz popped out. –Seth Meyers