She was given a ticket for not having tinted windows (dad bods)

A woman was sentenced to 30 years for her role in hiding a decomposing corpse. So, congrats to law enforcement for finally nabbing Karine Jean-Pierre. —Greg Gutfeld

The Rock was pulled over in Hollywood and given a ticket for having tinted windows. Meanwhile, Kathy Griffin was given a ticket for not having tinted windows. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The same as Disneyland (she looks at you like Vin Diesel looks at The Rock)

It's still all about this straight of Hormuz where we get all the oil. We need the oil,  and you know apparently this agreement we have we have to save face and not you know kill everybody in Iran by pretending that it's open, although it's kind of not. Iran is charging a toll it's $2 million to get in. The same as Disneyland. —Bill Maher

“Donald Trump seems to think that he can threaten to kill an entire civilization, then they’re going to be totally cool with it the next day. Let me put this in terms you might be able to understand, Mr President. Remember how you cheated on Melania with a porn star right after she gave birth to Barron, and now you guys sleep in separate bedrooms and she looks at you like Vin Diesel looks at The Rock? This is that type of situation; it’s not going away.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I just hope he never gets into politics (Rampage)

Last night Villanova beat Michigan to win the men’s college basketball

tournament. We had about 75 people in our office pool and one of our

producers, Gina, won it. She beat everybody. So I asked her today, "On

a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you follow college basketball?" She said,

"Zero." That's how it goes. You know nothing and you win. Like being

president in a way. --Jimmy Kimmel

We are all in very good hands if there's an earthquake tonight because

Dwayne Johnson is here. The Rock is promoting a new movie called

"Rampage," which is based on either the classic video game or what

happens when the president runs out of McNuggets. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Does this mean I can eat for free at any Olive Garden? (You must be on your, like, 50th scandal by now?)

Today, President Trump had lunch with French President Emmanuel Macron, who was just sworn in 11 days ago. Trump was like,“Well, 11 days, you must be on your, like, 50th scandal by now?” –Jimmy Fallon

Last night, a Republican congressional candidate named Greg Gianforte apparently body-slammed a reporter. Some Republicans are defending him, saying the body slam wasn't a big deal — which they might regret in three years when The Rock runs for president. –Jimmy Fallon

After their meeting, the Pope gave Trump a medal featuring an olive branch. When Trump received it, he asked, “Does this mean I can eat for free at any Olive Garden? Or just here in Italy?” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Can you start tomorrow? (Hey, if anyone deserves a medal here, it’s me!)

Last week, a 90-year-old letter to Santa Claus was found in a chimney. On the bright side, the 96-year-old who wrote the letter is still alive and finally got that tricycle. –Conan O’Brien

During their meeting, the Pope gave President Trump a medal. Then Melania said, “Hey, if anyone deserves a medal here, it’s me!” –Conan O’Brien

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson said that he might run for president of the United States later on down the line. When they heard, the Republican Party asked him, "Can you start tomorrow?" –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Well, 11 days, you must be on your, like, 50th scandal by now? (when The Rock runs for president)

Last night, a Republican congressional candidate named Greg Gianforte apparently body-slammed a reporter. Some Republicans are defending him, saying the body slam wasn't a big deal — which they might regret in three years when The Rock runs for president. –Jimmy Fallon

Last week, President Trump announced the United States will withdraw from the Paris climate agreement. Trump said he wants the entire country to be the same temperature as a Florida golf course. –Jimmy Fallon

Today, President Trump had lunch with French President Emmanuel Macron, who was just sworn in 11 days ago. Trump was like,“Well, 11 days, you must be on your, like, 50th scandal by now?” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He’s going to be the first royal to ascend the throne in one of those motorized stairlifts (I have No Idea what I'm doing)

September 2022

“Queen Elizabeth II, Britain’s longest-serving monarch, has died at the age of 96. To put it into perspective for Americans, this would be like if Kris Jenner died here. The queen is known as England’s rock, and we don’t have a rock here. The closest thing we have to a rock in America is The Rock.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“When you think of all the people that the Queen has met with over the last 70 years, it’s really remarkable. She’s met everyone from Lady Bird Johnson to Lady Gaga, from Bill Clinton to Will.i.am, she met JFK and JLo, she’s met the Beatles and the Spice Girls, she’s met the Iron Lady and the Iron Throne.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Whatever you think about the royal family or the monarchy, you’ve gotta admit, it’s insane how long Elizabeth sat on the throne. She came to power in 1952. You understand how long that is? That means she’s seen Adam West as Batman, Michael Keaton as Batman, Christian Bale as Batman, Ben Affleck as Batman, survived that and then saw Robert Pattinson as Batman. In other words, she’s been in the game for a minute.” —Trevor Noah

“Elizabeth’s son Charles is now king at 73 years old, and until today, he still had the same title as his own grandchildren. That was weird. The world wasn’t made for an old prince. I can tell you now, there is no one in a Disney movie who’s like ‘someday my prince will come, and he’ll wear orthopedic shoes and eat cottage cheese for meals.’ Charles is so old, he’s going to be the first royal to ascend the throne in one of those motorized stairlifts.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They take millions NOT to represent you or the people you love (it was marked, Don’t Show Trump)

After weeks of hesitation, Paul Ryan finally endorsed Donald Trump for president on Thursday. When asked what influenced his decision, Ryan said, “Xanax. Lots and lots of Xanax.” –Jimmy Fallon

Last night, a Republican congressional candidate named Greg Gianforte apparently body-slammed a reporter. Some Republicans are defending him, saying the body slam wasn't a big deal — which they might regret in three years when The Rock runs for president. –Jimmy Fallon

A highly classified document was just leaked, and it suggests that Russia may have hacked into our voting systems before the election. You could tell the report was "highly classified" because it was marked, "Don’t Show Trump." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

After that, your day and his day start to diverge pretty wildly (it's just what his iPhone autocorrects to when he types "Hello.")

President Trump said yesterday he is seriously thinking of creating a sixth branch of the military called the "Space Force." They'll patrol the distant reaches between him and Melania. --Seth Meyers

President Trump tweeted today "There was no collusion. It is a hoax, and there is no obstruction of justice. That is a setup and trap." But it's not Trump's fault he tweeted that, it's just what his iPhone autocorrects to when he types "Hello." --Seth Meyers

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson put out a new alarm clock app today which includes a feature that will sync with The Rock's calendar so fans can wake up at the same time as him. After that, your day and his day start to diverge pretty wildly. –Seth Meyers

Indiana is holding its primary today, and Donald Trump is currently leading Ted Cruz by 15 points. While John Kasich still holds a narrow lead over "Not Sure." –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Ah, yes, the place I’m totally from,’ said Mark Zuckerberg (that responsibility will ultimately fall to President The Rock)

April 2021

“Happy Earth Day! Everyone is in the spirit. This morning at 7-Eleven, I saw a rat drinking a Big Gulp with a metal straw.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Today was Earth Day. ‘Ah, yes, the place I’m totally from,’ said Mark Zuckerberg.” —Seth Meyers

“President Biden’s climate summit was a related hot topic, with late-night hosts touching on the president’s announcement that the United States will cut its carbon emissions in half by 2030. Added Biden, ‘Of course that responsibility will ultimately fall to President the Rock.’” —Seth Meyers

“That’s right, today was Earth Day even though I didn’t planet.” —Seth Meyers

“Humans celebrating Earth Day is like fleas celebrating Dog Day.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Earth Day started back in the ’70s with very lofty goals and has kind of turned into, ‘Guys, please, just for one day try not to light garbage on or near a panda bear, OK?’” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it looks like Dwayne Johnson standing next to Kevin Hart (We’d also like to give him his knife back)

“But in that master impeachment report, there was a 20-page dissent from Republicans. That’s 638 pages for impeachment, 20 against. If you put those stacks next to each other, it looks like Dwayne Johnson standing next to Kevin Hart.” --Jimmy Fallon

“Senator Lindsey Graham told a crowd this weekend, ‘I have made up my mind. I’m not trying to pretend to be a fair juror here.’ Really? You should at least pretend.” --Stephen Colbert

“How is that O.K.? That’s like one of the jurors standing up at the beginning of a trial and saying, ‘Your honor, we think the defendant is a really good guy, and we’re going to be coordinating with him throughout the trial. We’d also like to give him his knife back.’” --Stephen Colbert

“That’s right — not one Republican evidently has a problem with the president blackmailing a foreign government to get dirt on a political opponent. In a related story, the G.O.P. has changed its mascot from an elephant to an ostrich.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

My man, you’ve built a door (any other guy named Dwayne)

“Just after Trump bragged about his super wall, we learned that smugglers have been cutting through the new border wall with basic tools that you can buy at any hardware store. And I wouldn’t be shocked if the guys at Home Depot showed the smugglers how to do it because — because those guys will help you with any project. Yeah, they don’t judge.” --Trevor Noah

“For four years, this guy told us this wall would be impenetrable. But now he’s like, ‘Of course you can cut through anything.’ In a span of a few hours, the wall went from Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson to literally any other guy named Dwayne.” --Trevor Noah

“[imitating Trump] You’ve got to have a see-through wall because if the wall is not see-through, the only way to know what’s on the other side is by yelling ‘Marco’ and hope they yell ‘Polo.’ That’s the only way. But some Mexicans aren’t named Marco. A lot of people don’t know that, folks.” --Trevor Noah

“And also, if Trump is saying he built it on purpose to be something that’s easy to open and then close, it isn’t a wall. My man, you’ve built a door.” --Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

THAT’S how you Make America Great Again! (Whopperito)

A new poll found that Donald Trump’s recent outrageous comments might cost him the state of Florida. You know things are bad when a candidate is considered "too crazy for Florida." –Conan O’Brien

Burger King has merged a Whopper with a burrito to make a Whopperito. So take note, Donald Trump: THAT’S how you Make America Great Again! –Conan O’Brien

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson said that he might run for president of the United States later on down the line. When they heard, the Republican Party asked him, "Can you start tomorrow?" –Conan O’Brien

Last week, a 90-year-old letter to Santa Claus was found in a chimney. On the bright side, the 96-year-old who wrote the letter is still alive and finally got that tricycle. –Conan O’Brien

While John Kasich still holds a narrow lead over "Not Sure."

A report came out last week that members of ISIS are trying to fake doctor's notes to get themselves out of front line duty. Imagine a member of ISIS calling in like, "Hey guys, I have actually got a bit of a cough and don't think I can go to the suicide bombing today." –James Corden

Indiana is holding its primary tomorrow, and Donald Trump is currently leading Ted Cruz by 15 points. While John Kasich still holds a narrow lead over "Not Sure." –Seth Meyers

A 100-year-old Brooklyn woman has become the oldest runner to ever cross the finish line in the 100-meter dash. On the down side, she started the race in 2009. –Seth Meyers

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson put out a new alarm clock app today which includes a feature that will sync with The Rock's calendar so fans can wake up at the same time as him. After that, your day and his day start to diverge pretty wildly. –Seth Meyers

even the American DREAM is made in China

Analysts are saying that Joe Biden was actually the biggest loser in the debate, and that he missed his chance to enter the race. Yeah, they said entering now would be awkward and inappropriate - or as Biden put it, “Those are my two middle names! I’m in!” –Jimmy Fallon

New research shows that China has a bigger middle class than America, and more people in China are living what we would call the “American Dream.” That’s when you know things are bad - when even the American DREAM is made in China. –Jimmy Fallon

The best way to survive an earthquake is to move to a place that doesn't ever have them. But if the big one does hit, don't run. If there's an earthquake, try to contact your nearest Dwayne Johnson. And he will help you, he will save you. –Jimmy Kimmel