But that middle finger still works, boy (real girls' talk)

My God, you know, a lot less immigrants would come into America if you stop paying them $700 million to play baseball. That's right. Steve Cohen bought one Dominican for $700 million. We used to be able to get a whole bushel for that much. —Chris Rock

Joe Biden pardoned his son, Hunter Biden. I gotta hand it to Joe, man. You know, he don't move as fast as he used to. He don't talk as fast as he used to, you know? But that middle finger still works, boy. —Chris Rock

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

we've had presidents show up to the inauguration with pregnant slaves (But Trump don't know that)

The presidency of the United States is not the most dignified job in the world. You know, we've had presidents show up to the inauguration with pregnant slaves. And I'm just talking about Bill Clinton. —Chris Rock

I have real condolences for, you know, the health care CEO. I mean, this is a real person, you know? But you also got to go, You know, sometimes drug dealers get shot. —Chris Rock

When it comes to immigration, Trump isn’t playing around. J. Lo is going to marry Ben Affleck again just so she can stay in the country. I know she's not Mexican. But Trump don't know that. —Chris Rock

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It sounds fun — until you open the box with your Apple Watch, and it’s still attached to a hand (107 minutes)

The Russian presidential election was this weekend, and to get people to vote, Russian officials were offering prizes like Apple Watches. It sounds fun — until you open the box with your Apple Watch, and it’s still attached to a hand. --Jimmy Fallon

Golfer Rory McIlroy said there should be a limit to how much alcohol fans can buy at events because they’re getting too rowdy. And also, he’s tired of hearing drunk people try to say “Rory McIlroy.” --Jimmy Fallon

"Governor Chris Christie is in trouble because his staff shut down part of the George Washington Bridge to get back at a political rival. Yesterday, Christie gave a 107-minute press conference to address the scandal. The last time Christie talked for 107 minutes, he was ordering at IHOP." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is this your cat? (Jazz hands)

April 2022

“After a clip was released yesterday of former President Trump storming out of an interview with journalist Piers Morgan, a spokesman for Trump called the preview a, quote, ‘pathetic attempt to revive the career of a failed television host.’ Buddy, you’re going to have to be more specific.” —Seth Meyers

“And the fallout from the Oscars slap is still rippling through show business, as producers of the Tony awards sent a letter to prospective audience members announcing a ‘strict no violence policy’. In the event of an incident, the letter continued, ‘the perpetrator will be removed from the event immediately’. I think this is good, because I’m going to tell you something: I know we laugh but the only thing worse than getting slapped is getting slapped with jazz hands.” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now, thank me and shake my hand (Now, he could be anywhere)

April 2022

“When I first read the headline that Will Smith has been banned, I thought this was the worst punishment ever. I was like, ‘10 years? The Oscars? This is ridiculous.’ But I got into the details, and I realize he gets to keep his Oscar, and he can still win Oscars even though he’s banned. So in many ways, this isn’t a punishment. This is a favor. Will Smith doesn’t have to go to the ceremony. He doesn’t have to dress up, he doesn’t have to sit through a bunch of boring awards that he doesn’t care about. He doesn’t have to pretend to be happy when he loses – I wish I could get banned from the Emmys! Every year I have to go and act like I might beat John Oliver. It’s a nightmare!” —Trevor Noah

“I also think they should have at least consulted Chris Rock before choosing the punishment, you know? Because if Will were still going to the Oscars, that’s at least four hours where Chris Rock knows where he is. Now, he could be anywhere.” —Trevor Noah

“In all honesty, though, I don’t think they should’ve banned Will Smith at all. I think they should’ve hired Will Smith to replace the wrap-it-up music at awards shows. Do you know how quickly winners will finish their speeches when they see Will Smith watching them from the side of the stage?” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The problem was a lot of people took off their masks during the post-dinner orgy (1 in 6 American children live in poverty)

April 2022

Health officials say that after the Annual Gridiron Dinner in Washington, D.C. became a Covid Superspreader Event with more than 50 high-ranking officials getting infected. The problem was a lot of people took off their masks during the post-dinner orgy. —Colin Jost

Health officials in Washington, D.C. confirmed that a fox that bit a congressman near the capital had rabies. Officials suspect the fox contracted rabies when it was bitten by Marjorie Taylor Greene. —Colin Jost

As punishment for slapping Chris Rock, The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences have banned Will Smith from attending the Oscars for ten years. But is that a punishment? He can still be nominated, he can even win an award. He can even go the after party. He just doesn’t have to attend the four-hour ceremony where someone is definitely going to make fun of his wife again. I think, honestly, I think a real punishment would be to make Will Smith host next year’s Oscars. Because trust me, nothing will make you question your choices in life more than hosting an awards show. —Colin Jost

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Modern history is everything since The Slap (picture book)

April 2022

“Mike Pence, appeared on Fox News on Saturday and claimed that ‘President Biden has done more damage to America than any president in modern history.’ Wow, how strict is your definition of modern history? [Meyers as Pence] ‘Modern history is everything since The Slap. Then from 900 AD to The Slap, that’s the middle ages.’” —Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump is ripping off his own White House photographer. Although it is customary for modern presidents to allow their photographer to profit from their work with post-office commemorative books, aides for Trump reportedly asked his White House photographer, Shealah Craighead, for a cut of her book deal. Trump’s office then told her to hold off on publishing her book, and published her photos before her for $75 a pop without photo credit. Fortunately, she has a lot of pictures of the guy who robbed her, and he looks just like Donald Trump.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Two least surprising things about this story: one, Trump’s profiting from the work of someone else. And two, the memoir he published about his time in office is a picture book.” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know what else makes you do crazy things? (Don’t act like y’all didn’t know I had psoriasis)

April 2022

During his acceptance speech Will Smith said, ‘Love will make you do crazy things.’ You know what else makes you do crazy things? Crazy. —Michael Che

But I understand where Will’s coming from. I mean you can’t expect him to sit there and watch another man jump all over his wife without signing a Non-Disclosure Agreement. —Michael Che

Can we also stop pretending that everybody knew Jada had alopecia. As much as we heard about Jada and Will’s personal lives, you can’t expect us to retain everything. It’s like Kanye saying, ‘Don’t act like y’all didn’t know I had psoriasis.’ —Michael Che

Just selfishly as a comedian I’m tired of people putting their own insecurities on my joke intentions. I can’t make a joke about it being cold outside without somebody yelling back, ‘Stop making fun of my small penis!’ —Michael Che

Not to mention, Chris Rock has been very public about his non-verbal learning disorder. Which means it’s hard for him to understand non-verbal signals. Sort of like how he saw an angry Will Smith charging toward him, and instead of moving out of the way he put both hands behind his back, smiled and said, ‘Uh-Oh.’ —Michael Che

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I can’t believe the Academy has a worse concussion protocol than the NFL (How's that been working out for you?)

April 2022

Intelligence officials are saying that Vladimir Putin is being misinformed by his advisors about how badly the Russian military is performing in Ukraine. Which is kind of like Will Smith’s agent telling him, ‘You crushed it at the Oscars.’ —Colin Jost

Will Smith, for those of you who don’t know, walked on stage during the Academy Awards and slapped Chris Rock after he made a joke about Jada Pinkett-Smith, which I think is a disgraceful act that sets a terrible precedent for having to defend your wife at award shows. —Colin Jost

Yesterday Will Smith resigned from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. If Will Smith had been expelled he would have joined a small group of people kicked out of the Academy including Bill Cosby, Roman Polanski and Harvey Weinstein. Or as they are also known, Bad Boys for Life. —Colin Jost

I also really love that the reason they let Will Smith stay in the audience was that they asked Chris Rock and he said it was okay. So now we just ask the victim right after they get hit in the head? ‘Hey, are you cool if the guy who just attacked you hangs around for awhile? You don’t want to make him mad again.’ I can’t believe the Academy has a worse concussion protocol than the NFL. —Colin Jost

And honestly I can’t even blame the Academy for not knowing what to do. Nobody knew what to do. Even people at the Oscars were Googling, ‘Did Will Smith just slap Chris Rock?’ I think we should just acknowledge that that was one of the craziest things we will ever see in our lives. It’s truly like the Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction but if Janet’s nipple slapped Timberlake. —Colin Jost

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Academy said it is ‘ready to dole out the pain’ (What the hell is a sock?)

March 2022

“This week has also seen Donald Trump accused of using burner phones during the January 6 riot to maintain privacy. He has claimed to not be aware of what a burner phone is. Dude, you worked in New York real estate for decades. I bet every phone he used was a burner phone. Trump’s former national security adviser John Bolton has claimed that the ex-president is lying, as he has used them before and spoken of them. Trump has always gone overboard with his defense. It’s like if your parents say they found weed in your sock drawer and you say, ‘What the hell is a sock?’” —Seth Meyers

“This week has also seen an investigation launched into Will Smith’s on-stage slap on Chris Rock. The Academy has said it is important to protect the integrity of the institution. And it is so important to protect the integrity of the Academy, Colbert said before coughing out the names of Roman Polanski, Kevin Spacey and Harvey Weinstein.” —Stephen Colbert

“The Academy said it is ‘ready to dole out the pain’ which might involve Smith being forced to watch a double-bill of Hitch and The Legend of Bagger Vance.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Why are you doing it that way? (There are no winners)

“Yep, in just a split second, the Oscars went from Oscar de la Renta to Oscar De La Hoya, you know?” —Jimmy Fallon

“The 94th Academy Awards were held last night and featured the first live performance of ‘We Don’t Talk About Bruno,’ from the Disney musical ‘Encanto,’ followed by an unbelievable live performance of ‘We Don’t Talk About Jada.’” —Seth Meyers

“Seriously, you know it was a strange award show when it ends with a statement from the L.A.P.D., you know what I’m saying?” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It hurts more than a punch, I promise you. (Wait, I forgot about ‘Wild Wild West.’)

“Let me say something as an objective observer: It’s never OK to punch a comedian. I’ve got to say, Will Smith was offended by the joke and wanted to stand up to his wife. Fine. Challenge Chris to a duel or, if you really want to hit him, don’t laugh. It hurts more than a punch, I promise you.” —Stephen Colbert

“That’s the worst thing Will Smith has ever done. Wait, I forgot about ‘Wild Wild West.’” —Stephen Colbert

“I’m kidding, obviously. The worst thing he’s ever done is ‘Gemini Man.’ Someone should slap both of the guys in that movie.” —Stephen Colbert

“In the aftermath, Rock declined to press charges, but this is Hollywood, and there are rules. You can’t just storm a stage, physically assault someone on camera, and then go back to your seat. There have to be consequences! Like winning the Oscar for best actor and receiving a standing ovation then partying all night.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You went onstage and did what at an awards show? (damned if you do, Ted Cruz if you don’t)

“Obviously, Chris Rock did not deserve to be slapped in the face for a joke. Will’s point of view is he was defending his wife, and that’s a tough position to be in because it’s damned if you do, Ted Cruz if you don’t.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“To me, there’s only one more step to make this right: the Comedy Central roast of Will Smith, hosted by Chris Rock.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“And by the way, no one did anything. A whole roomful of people, no one lifted a finger. Spider-Man was there, Aquaman was there, Catwoman, all sitting on their hands. No one helped Chris Rock. We will never stop talking about this. It was so shocking. The only thing I can really compare it to is when Mike Tyson bit Evander Holyfield’s ears. Even Kanye was like, ‘You went onstage and did what at an awards show?’” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

At one point Obama looked dead, Romney tried to baptize him (He was in full command of his bullsh*t)

October 2012

"New job numbers came out today. Unemployment went way down from 8 percent to 7.8 percent. Of course, a lot of this was because of the ever-expanding industry of Mitt Romney fact checkers." –Bill Maher

"At one point Obama looked dead, Romney tried to baptize him." –Bill Maher

"It's Mormon in America again. I haven't seen Romney this energized up since HBO canceled Big Love.'" –Bill Maher

"I have not seen a black man look that disinterested and annoyed since I dragged Chris Rock to that Beach Boys concert." –Bill Maher

"You got to hand it to Mitt Romney. He was in full command of his bullsh*t. In one single night, he was reborn as this taxing-the-rich, regulation-loving centrist. When these people say they're going to reboot a campaign, they don't just reboot. They erase the hard drive, take it out, and smash it with a hammer." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”