a no slip rapture grip so the lid can yank me into heaven (wardrobe malfunction)

President Trump’s recent speech at a Medal of Honor ceremony, where his rambling remarks included comments about the White House drapes. The president added that he attempted to get a Medal of Honor for himself, but was told that it would “be bad protocol”. I just want you to consider how many things he’s admitting here. He’s admitting he tried to give himself a Medal of Honor, he’s admitting it’s a bad look and he’s admitting that he had to be told it’s a bad look. —Seth Meyers

A CNN poll found that 59% of Americans disapprove of the Iran strikes, as well as reports that US commanders at military bases have told troops that “President Trump has been anointed by Jesus to light the signal fire in Iran to cause Armageddon and mark his return to Earth.” That’s one exit strategy! I’m dusting off this gold helmet with a no slip rapture grip so the lid can yank me into heaven. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he fired God and told Jesus to lose the beard (rock, paper and scissors)

"Former President George W. Bush is now writing a book about the 12 toughest decisions that he had to make as president. He said each decision had three options -- rock, paper and scissors." --Jay Leno

"Yankees owner George Steinbrenner passed away. He was a tough guy. Within five minutes in heaven, he fired God and told Jesus to lose the beard." –Jay Leno

"I understand there's a lot of celebrating going on at Buckingham Palace right now. I just hope they're able to get up for work tomorrow." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What would you say you do here? (Crap, did we launch a Tesla by mistake?)

April 2023

“SpaceX and its chief executive, Elon Musk, saw the company’s Starship rocket explode on Thursday, just four minutes after launch. Yeah at first, when people saw the rocket light up and start smoking, they were like, ‘All right, happy 4/20, everybody!’” —Jimmy Fallon

“SpaceX is now saying they triggered the explosion, but originally when it happened, they called it a ‘rapid unscheduled disassembly.’ That sounds like what celebrities say when they’re getting divorced: ‘Our marriage is going through a rapid unscheduled disassembly — please respect our privacy at this time.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, but SpaceX hopes the rocket will eventually be able to take people to Mars. Yeah, and I think I speak for everyone when I say uh, you first. Mars, heaven. Either way, you're not coming back.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Right after the giant explosion, Elon Musk was like, ‘Crap, did we launch a Tesla by mistake?’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, it took off fast, was flying high and then, all of a sudden, it exploded — kind of like Ron DeSantis’s presidential campaign.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

brown eyes like heaven (haiku)

heart beats a tango

touching her beautiful skin

brown eyes like heaven

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Being leader of the free world is a bit harder than filming a reality show in your apartment (Jeb is America's fourth favorite Bush)

Jeb is America's fourth favorite Bush — after George, the other George, and of course, the baked beans. –Stephen Colbert

At this point, Trump faces 17 investigations. A legal assault unlike anything previously seen by any president. That’s quite a distinction for Trump. [Colbert as Trump], “No other president has had more big, beautiful investigations. And they’re naturals, Okay? I’m telling you, if I had a dollar for everything I’m being investigated for, you’d never know because I won’t show you my tax returns.” --Stephen Colbert

And now we know he knows it’s not going to be that easy, because Trump surrogate and flesh snowman Newt Gingrich recently told USA Today that he talked to Trump about his new responsibilities as president and, according to Gingrich, Trump said, “This is really a bigger job than I thought.” What do you know? Being leader of the free world is a bit harder than filming a reality show in your apartment. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Offering his Twitter back is like offering Keith Richards a cigarette (climate vs company)

April 2022

“Truth Social is getting a boost from the news that Elon Musk is buying Twitter. Their app is now No. 1 on the Apple Store free app chart. We know this because Trump released a statement that said, ‘Truth Social is No. 1 in the Apple App store,’ a statement he did not bother to post on Truth Social, by the way, because no one would see it there.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“He still hasn’t posted on his own Truth Social app since the day it launched back in February. The last time he ignored something this much, it was named Eric.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump is claiming that he wouldn’t return to Elon Musk’s Twitter if allowed. I’m sorry, but there’s no way Trump won’t immediately go back to tweeting if he’s given the chance. Trump doesn’t have the self-restraint to stay off Twitter. Offering his Twitter back is like offering Keith Richards a cigarette.” —Seth Meyers

“Former congressman Devin Nunes appeared on Fox News and practically begged the hosts to join Trump’s Truth Social site. Every time you think your life is bad, just remember: you could be a former congressman begging Brian Kilmeade, a man with the eyes of a cabbage patch doll, to send out truths. Fox News host Steve Doocy told Nunes, on-air, that he couldn’t join Truth Social because of a waitlist. A waiting list? Isn’t the whole point of the internet that everything is instant? This is like if you clicked on Apple maps and it was just a list of places where you could buy a map.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

thanks for watching, Mr. President (See, he IS one of us!)

Last night, President Trump’s tax return from 2005 was released, showing that he had an income of more than $150 million. When they heard this, Trump supporters said, “$150 million? See, he IS one of us!” –Conan O’Brien

Defense Secretary James “Mad Dog” Mattis said climate change is real and threatens global stability. He then asked that his nickname be changed to “Reasonable Dog.” –Conan O’Brien

Fox News is about to debut its new tagline. Instead of "fair and balanced," they're going with “thanks for watching, Mr. President.” --Conan O’Brien

El Chapo’s lawyers say that while in U.S. custody, his health is deteriorating. El Chapo has lost so much weight, he’s down two tunnel sizes. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

As a matter of fact, today George Clooney and Matt Damon flew in to rescue the artwork (He got that from us)

March 2014

"Vladimir Putin doesn't know what the troops are doing there in Crimea. And he has no exit strategy. He got that from us." –David Letterman

"This situation in Ukraine is very serious. As a matter of fact, today George Clooney and Matt Damon flew in to rescue the artwork." –David Letterman

"Pope Francis told the press today that the Catholic Church could tolerate same-sex civil unions. You know, I think lately when people say, 'Is the Pope Catholic?' they're actually asking." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But filling a palace with kidnapped beauty contestants – that's OK? (if you do good deeds)

May 2013

"Time magazine published President Obama's prom photos. He's with friends and their dates. Those girls in Kenya are very good looking." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Pope Francis made an extremely controversial statement. He says he believes anyone can go to heaven if you do good deeds, even atheists. Some Catholics were upset by his comments because it means we wasted a lot of Sundays going to church." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"It would be fun to let atheists into heaven if for no other reason than to see the look on their faces when they get there." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, in Saudi Arabia the head of the religious police said he believes that Saudi citizens who use Twitter will go to hell. Let me get this straight. Tweeting leads to damnation. But filling a palace with kidnapped beauty contestants – that's OK?" –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he was too busy campaigning for open marriage (Chris Christie IS 64 percent of New Jersey)

March 2013

"Bill Clinton now says he wishes he had supported gay marriage back when he was president. Clinton said at the time he was too busy campaigning for open marriage." –Conan O'Brien

"Rush Limbaugh said that lesbians don't have to worry about their appearance, so they are free to get fat. Moments later, Rush Limbaugh officially come out as a lesbian." –Conan O'Brien

"A new poll shows that 64 percent of New Jersey residents don't care about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's weight. That's mostly because Chris Christie IS 64 percent of New Jersey." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Welcome to Hell. Here's your accordion. (Anyway, Florida is that toilet seat)

May 2021

“A new law signed by Florida’s governor, Ron DeSantis, this week which would fine social media companies for removing or censoring anyone running for office in the state. According to this law – which they know won’t hold up – banning a candidate from your platform will result in fines of up to $250,000 a day. Gee, I wonder who lives in Florida and is banned from Twitter and may have had a tiny hand in this? 

Though DeSantis claimed in a press conference that the law was ‘for every Floridian’, he showed his hand with a factually inaccurate rant about Twitter’s ban of Trump after he incited the 6 January attack on the Capitol – ‘when you deplatform the president of the United States but you let Ayatollah Khomeini talk about killing Jews, that is wrong,’ said DeSantis. The ayatollah died in 1989, by the way, 17 years before Twitter. 

But we get it, Ron. You know how when you go on a road trip and you have to stop to pee at some like sketchy gas station in the middle of nowhere and the toilet seat has like a swastika carved into it for some reason? And you think, ‘Why would anyone take the time to carve anything into toilet seat, let alone something horrible like a swastika?’ Anyway, Florida is that toilet seat.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I have friends in both places/So fly free/Add to Cart

 Bill Maher’s “eulogy” for Donald Trump

        If even dead people hate you you got to ask am I doing something wrong? You know the only bipartisan agreement we seem to have these days is that neither party wants Donald Trump at their funerals. John McCain, Barbara Bush, Elijah Cummings, John Dingle and now John Lewis, all their families felt the same way. Our loved one is dead don't ruin it. Trump is about as welcome at a funeral as the gypsy woman who wanders into restaurants and sells you roses at a business dinner. 

He’s the president and people still don't want him there. It's like a children's hospital turning down Batman. What kind of spectacular prick do you have to be that everyone's last request is, ‘make sure that asshole isn't at my funeral.’ 

You know I watched the eulogies last week for John Lewis and was struck by the genuine outpouring from everyone who ever encountered this model of a man and I thought of Trump and actually felt sad for him because at his funeral no one will ever talk about him like that. Then I thought maybe if Trump could hear what a eulogy for him would sound like, maybe that would give him some insight into himself. 

So I've prepared a modest example. Now, let me be clear so the secret service feels no need to visit. I wish Donald Trump a long healthy life some place where he can’t harm America, and I have only condemnation for anyone who would ever wish any president, no matter how much you dislike them, any physical harm. 

But in the adventures of Tom Sawyer, when Tom and Huckleberry Finn get to attend their own funeral they learn a lot about themselves. So in that spirit let us imagine ourselves many years in the future and listening to these soothing words.

Dear family and frenemies of Donald Trump, some men look at the world and ask why Donald Trump looked at the world and asked what's in it for me. His generosity knew only limits and he never once failed to put himself before others. 

He was a devoted father who every day tried to teach his children the wrong lessons of life. Be quick to anger, never let go of a grudge. See the worst in people and treat them all equally based strictly on how much money they make and what they look like. So many wanted to speak here today but couldn't break their non-disclosure agreements. And our hearts go out to Melania who RSVP’d, ‘Maybe’. Donald always said he knew she was the one the moment he saw her and said those three little words. ‘Add to Cart’. 

Donald loved so many things. Money. Golf. Lawsuits. Porn Stars. Dictators. Organized Crime and the 35% of the people who still like him. The other 65% could go fuck themselves. He once said that the experience of not being in Vietnam taught him the most important lesson of all. That there's no problem so big you can’t lie your way out of it. And when it came to flouting the law he was a criminal's criminal and intellectually a midget among giants. A man of few words, about a hundred. Mostly tremendous, disgusting, strongly, and shit-hole. 

Donald Trump never met a man he liked and yet he always suffered fools. You could tell him anything and he'd believe it. It’s painful to think he could still be with us if only his personal physician wasn’t that lady who believed medicine came from outer space. Donald’s greatest hero Winston Churchill said of his own mortality, ‘I’m ready to meet my maker, whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.’

Well God, Trump’s your problem now. As for me personally, I guess what i'll miss most about Don is his dull wit. He was never laughing and when he made you laugh it was always unintentional. But as a walking parody of himself he was a challenge to satirize and made me a better comedian for it. He died as he lived, wearing makeup and lying in front of all of us. So fly free, whiny little bitch, fly free. May you find the piece your twitter thumbs never could. —Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

when the guy next to me on the subway is loudly watching porn on his phone (I have friends in both places)

In fact, Republicans are so scared of Democrats having power in Congress, when they met in the Oval Office on Tuesday, Vice President Mike Pence just went totally silent. In fact, even after that meeting, Pence was supposed to meet with Republicans but was mostly quiet. 

According to The Wall Street Journal, "Pence, who looked on silently during the public portion of the Oval Office discussion, later met with Senate Republicans at their weekly lunch Tuesday but said little." 

I think I know what's going on here. Pence wants to be President, but doesn't want to associate himself with any of this mess, so he's just hunkered down, waiting for Trump to resign. Look at his body language in that meeting. That's what I do when the guy next to me on the subway is loudly watching porn on his phone. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”