It’s the first brawl that began with everyone in critical condition (Dammit, why did I get this)

A brawl broke out in a Canadian nursing home when a 79 year old woman took the seat of an 86 year old during a Bingo game. It’s the first brawl that began with everyone in critical condition. --Michael Che, SNL

A new study shows that the Covid vaccine does not cause infertility in men or women. ‘Dammit, why did I get this.’ —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

One of them even lost an eye... 26 (a solid 24)

In a recent interview, President Trump revealed he has only been sleeping four or five hours a night. While Ben Carson is still getting a solid 24. –Seth Meyers

A Tennessee man with the word "Psycho" tattooed on his forehead was arrested this week for stabbing someone in the stomach. Of course, if you have a tattoo on your forehead, no matter what it says, it says "Psycho." –Seth Meyers

Two elderly women in Canada this week got into a physical fight after they both wanted to sit in the same chair during a game of Bingo. One of them even lost an eye... 26. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Honestly, I am wasted here (Yes, I don't)

Former FBI Director James Comey was interviewed on ABC last night, and he said that Trump often changes his story and contradicts himself. In response, Trump said, "Yes, I don't." --Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday Newt Gingrich gave a campaign speech at a senior center, scheduled between a Jazzercise class and a Bingo game. That’s when you know you’re in trouble – when your campaign speech is the least exciting thing happening at a senior center." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

eye... 26 (“glaucoma”)

Congress this weekend ended the federal government’s ban on medical marijuana. Good news for people with glaucoma as well as people with “glaucoma.” –Seth Meyers

Two elderly women in Canada this week got into a physical fight after they both wanted to sit in the same chair during a game of Bingo. One of them even lost an eye... 26. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s the first brawl that began with everyone in critical condition (Stop the car!)

A brawl broke out in a Canadian nursing home when a 79 year old woman took the seat of an 86 year old during a Bingo game. It’s the first brawl that began with everyone in critical condition. --Michael Che, SNL

In a new documentary, an ex-girlfriend of Prince Andrew describes Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell as Batman and Robin. Come on. What does Batman and Robin have in common with a billionaire that grooms teenagers? —Michael Che

The oldest living person in the United States died this week at the age of 115. It’s a powerful reminder to always test your cocaine for Fentanyl. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

How many fingers am I holding up? (The suit of the century)

"In South Dakota, they have banned pretty much all abortions. Boy, now there's really nothing to do in South Dakota." --Bill Maher

"That's what American democracy has come down to at these town hall meetings: old people and gun nuts, which is a terrible combination. I heard somebody yell 'AK-47!' and a lady yelled, 'Bingo!'" --Bill Maher

"And they say they're not going to make the same mistake as they did last time. They're going to do a much more thorough job vetting than John McCain did with you-know-who. They said this time they're going to ask probing questions like, 'Can you read? And 'How many fingers am I holding up?'" –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it is just a coincidence that his diet calls for 1,000 pounds of dinosaur meat a day (Real Girls' Talk)

A new study lists the best city in the U.S. to raise a family as Moscow, Idaho. While the worst is once again Handsy Uncle, Maryland. --Colin Jost, SNL

Last week was a pretty bad year for Donald Trump. Think about what’s currently under investigation for him. Trump’s campaign, his transition, his inauguration, his business and his presidency. So everyone check your card. You might have impeachment Bingo. --Colin Jost, SNL

Dwayne Johnson said that a skull of a T-Rex that was seen behind him during a recent interview was a replica and not the real thing. Johnson also said that it is just a coincidence that his diet calls for 1,000 pounds of dinosaur meat a day. —Colin Jost

And this Monday is tax day. So if you haven’t paid any taxes yet, you’re Amazon. --Colin Jost, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Officials became suspicious when they couldn't find any squid marks (One of them even lost an eye... 26)

During a campaign stop, a New Hampshire bar offered Marco Rubio what they called a “Marco Rubio burger.” It’s called the Marco Rubio burger because Chris Christie eats it for lunch. –Seth Meyers

Two elderly women in Canada this week got into a physical fight after they both wanted to sit in the same chair during a game of Bingo. One of them even lost an eye... 26. --Seth Meyers

The latest polls show President Trump has an approval rating in the low 40s, which means he’s probably about to dump it for one in the low 20s. –Seth Meyers

A motorist in the UK was arrested yesterday after he crashed his car while swerving to avoid hitting an octopus he claimed to have seen in the road. Officials became suspicious when they couldn't find any squid marks. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

ISIS, do you really want to mess with this? (So at least social distancing was maintained)

"Apparently it got very gnarly. The Palins, the whole family, showed up in a stretch hummer at this party and saw a guy who had broken up with Willow, and they all wanted to fight him. Bristol threw punches. Willow wailed on this guy. Todd had a bloody nose. Sarah was screaming, 'Don't you know who I am?!' And Track tore off his shirt and was walking down the street giving everyone the finger. I have only one thing to say about this: 'ISIS, do you really want to mess with this?'" –Bill Maher

Jerry Falwell would allegedly watch his wife having sex with the pool boy from the corner of the room. So at least social distancing was maintained. —Bill Maher

"That's what American democracy has come down to at these town hall meetings: old people and gun nuts, which is a terrible combination. I heard somebody yell 'AK-47!' and a lady yelled, 'Bingo!'" --Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You can spot them a mile away (it's complicated)

"Yesterday Newt Gingrich gave a campaign speech at a senior center, scheduled between a Jazzercise class and a Bingo game. That’s when you know you’re in trouble – when your campaign speech is the least exciting thing happening at a senior center." –Jimmy Fallon

Today was the deadline to file your taxes. I guess Trump got some good news this year. He got to write off the first 100 days of his presidency as a total loss. Good for him. –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday President Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen, known for paying hush money for his clients, revealed that he has ANOTHER client, Sean Hannity. Today, Hannity said, “I know you’re all stunned.” Then everyone was like, “Not really!” --Jimmy Fallon

Tax Day is tricky for President Trump. Under "filing status," he crossed out “married” and wrote "it's complicated." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

"Nah, I'm good," said Melania." (One of them even lost an eye... 26.)

A new study has found that when romantic partners hold hands while in pain, their brain waves can sync and decrease that pain. "Nah, I'm good," said Melania." --Seth Meyers

Two elderly women in Canada this week got into a physical fight after they both wanted to sit in the same chair during a game of Bingo. One of them even lost an eye... 26. --Seth Meyers

A doctor in the U.K. yesterday admitted misconduct charges after he accidentally performed a vasectomy on the wrong patient. Apparently, the patient was pretty upset when she woke up. --Seth Meyers

Adult website PornHub offered free snow removal during the blizzard yesterday to people in Boston and New Jersey. They cleared your sidewalk, your driveway, and your browser history. –Seth Meyers

That’s right. According to a new poll, 29% of people believe President Trump is a good role model for children. ”That’s all we needed to hear,” said Child Protective Services. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We can't afford the rich anymore (the least exciting thing happening at a senior center)

April 2012

"Yesterday Newt Gingrich gave a campaign speech at a senior center, scheduled between a Jazzercise class and a Bingo game. That’s when you know you’re in trouble – when your campaign speech is the least exciting thing happening at a senior center." –Jimmy Fallon

"Newt Gingrich gave a speech at a senior center. Or as audience members put it, 'Unplug me.'" –Jimmy Fallon

“Newt Gingrich spoke to seniors, right before the Bingo game — which was awkward, because one of the Bingo players turned out to be Ron Paul." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It was like watching a really old dog trying to get up on the couch (J-Lo stripper movie)

Did you watch the debate? I watched all three hours of the debate and I gotta say, Jameis Winston looked really good last night. Maybe that wasn’t the debate I was watching? Three hours, come on. I mean by the end of it Mayor Pete looked like he could buy beer. Three hours. It was so long that Cory Booker at one point ducked out to catch that J-Lo stripper movie, and he got back before anyone noticed. --Bill Maher

At the debates Beto O’Rourke went hard on guns. Did you see that? He said, ‘Hell yes, take away your AK-47,’ and when he said AK-47, Joe Biden said Bingo! --Bill Maher

Joe Biden looked pretty good until the end and then he answered a question about slavery reparations and then we're talking about teachers pay and Venezuela and record players. It was like watching a really old dog trying to get up on the couch. --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Which is old white lady speak for, “Girl, Bye.” (Plutocrat Welfare)

Nancy Pelosi refused to commit to bringing up representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s ambitious Green New Deal proposal for a vote, saying that she “welcomes the enthusiasm.” Which is old white lady speak for, “Girl, Bye.” --Michael Che, SNL

A Colorado man who was attacked by a mountain lion survived after he fought and killed the animal. Meanwhile, today I took an Uber three blocks so I wouldn’t crease my new sneakers. --Michael Che, SNL

A brawl broke out in a Canadian nursing home when a 79 year old woman took the seat of an 86 year old during a Bingo game. It’s the first brawl that began with everyone in critical condition. --Michael Che, SNL

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It's the perfect way to tell that special someone that you want to bang her (One of them even lost an eye... 26)

A motorist in the UK was arrested yesterday after he crashed his car while swerving to avoid hitting an octopus he claimed to have seen in the road. Officials became suspicious when they couldn't find any squid marks. --Seth Meyers

Two elderly women in Canada this week got into a physical fight after they both wanted to sit in the same chair during a game of Bingo. One of them even lost an eye... 26. --Seth Meyers

A company in England has begun selling a heart-shaped sausage ahead of Valentine's Day. It's the perfect way to tell that special someone that you want to bang her. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

So everyone check your card. You might have impeachment Bingo (another fiscally responsible republican)

Wll last week was a pretty bad year for Donald Trump. Think about what’s currently under investigation for him. Trump’s campaign, his transition, his inauguration, his business and his presidency. So everyone check your card. You might have impeachment Bingo. --Colin Jost, SNL

This is a lot of legal trouble for any president. Me, I’m not a lawyer, but neither is Trump’s lawyer. This week Michael Cohen was sentenced to three years in prison and he claimed he only committed his crimes out of a blind loyalty to Trump. But Cohen was clearly a crook before he met Donald Trump. You know how I know? He was hired by Donald Trump. The only questions on a Trump application are: Do you do crimes? And, wanna do more? --Colin Jost, SNL

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”