If it's green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel (body cameras)

Queen Elizabeth's horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's. —Craig Ferguson

"Actually, when the voting's done to elect a new Pope, the cardinals burn their ballots. People wait outside the Sistine Chapel to see what color the smoke is. If it's white smoke, they've agreed on a Pope. If it's black smoke, no decision has been made. If it's green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel." –Craig Ferguson

Happy birthday to England's Prince George, who turns 1 today. The prince’s first birthday party was a little different. His bouncy castle was an actual castle. And the pony rides were on Camilla. —Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

One, it would be against protocol. And two, it would mean passing something (If this van's a-rockin', it's because we live here now)

"Today is 4/20. This is like national pot day. And people celebrate all over the world. Although, I must say, the Senate did not celebrate this by smoking joints, for two reasons. One, it would be against protocol. And two, it would mean passing something." –Bill Maher

"The Secret Service agent thought he was paying $30, and it turned out the prostitute wanted $800, which sounds like a lot, but in her defense, she said she is paying a higher tax rate than Mitt Romney." –Bill Maher, on the Secret Service prostitution scandal

"Unemployment is continually rising, foreclosures are through the roof. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said, 'If this van's a-rockin', it's because we live here now.'" --Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's like he took the Nobel Peace Prize as an insult (TEENY TINY letters)

"President Obama escalated the war in Afghanistan, he sent the Navy in to shoot at pirates in the Indian Ocean, and now he's attacking Libya. It's like he took the Nobel Peace Prize as an insult." –Jimmy Kimmel 3/28/2011

"They finally maybe struck a deal to avert a government shutdown. Of course, all on the Republican terms. You can always tell when Obama's negotiations with the Republicans are winding down, because he's missing his watch and his lunch money." –Bill Maher 4/1/2011

Congress might not impeach President Trump. But they may pass a law that says any building that Trump has built or will ever build, his name can only appear in TEENY TINY letters. --John Hulse

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If it's green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel (She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's)

Queen Elizabeth's horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's. —Craig Ferguson

So remember, horses, when it comes to drugs, just say Neigh. —Craig Ferguson

"Actually, when the voting's done to elect a new Pope, the cardinals burn their ballots. People wait outside the Sistine Chapel to see what color the smoke is. If it's white smoke, they've agreed on a Pope. If it's black smoke, no decision has been made. If it's green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel." –Craig Ferguson

These huge white flags were placed on top of the Brooklyn Bridge. And late this afternoon, word came from the FBI that the New York Mets have surrendered.—Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He got four standing ovations and five phone numbers (Good to see Ann Coulter getting some work)

"Remember they had the big state dinner for the Prime Minister of India and a couple of people who weren't invited showed up? And now it turns out there was a third person who was not invited that showed up at the state dinner. It's a little crazy. I mean, before that, the only person I knew who showed up at the White House without the proper credentials was George Bush." –David Letterman

"An Arab country in charge of ports. That’s like FEMA in charge of disaster relief. That's like Wayne Gretzky's wife in charge of your bank account. It's like Michael Jackson as your nanny." --David Letterman

"Anybody here from New Zealand? They have a big, new attraction. It's a live sex show in New Zealand. They have actual bulls mounting a simulated cow. Good to see Ann Coulter getting some work." --David Letterman

"And then earlier tonight, her husband Bill Clinton spoke at the convention, and what a great speech, what a tremendous speech. He got four standing ovations and five phone numbers." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

getting his morphine drip topped off (Poe Dancing)

March 2022

“Can you imagine – can you imagine! – what things would be like with Donald Trump at the helm right now? I mean, put aside everything else – have you heard him talk lately? He sounds like he’s muttering to himself while sitting under his favorite tree at the old folks home after getting his morphine drip topped off.” —Seth Meyers

“Trump as president during the Russian invasion of Ukraine would be scary for many reasons, one of which is Trump keeps giving us a glimpse as to how he would have responded. And as usual it has that unique Trump blend of being both terrifying and incredibly stupid at the same time. In a speech over the weekend to Republican donors in New Orleans, Trump said the US should put the Chinese flag on F-22 jets and ‘bomb the shit out of Russia’ in retribution for its invasion of Ukraine. He definitely gets his ideas from cartoons. I mean, this is a slightly stupider version of Bugs Bunny dressing up as a sexy lady to distract Elmer Fudd. [As Trump], ‘We put the Chinese flag on the planes and if that doesn’t work, we paint a tunnel on the side of a mountain.’” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

‘bad precedent’ should be the title of Trump’s autobiography (the son he never had)

April 2021

“You know, Trump’s advisers, according to Maggie Haberman of The New York Times, talked him out of a full-throated defense of Gaetz, which is sad, because Matt Gaetz really was the son Donald Trump never had, even though he had a couple.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“You know you haven’t done anything wrong when you check in with the president to ask for a pardon in case you happen to get accused of a sex crime somewhere down the line.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“As for the reported reasoning that pardoning Gaetz would set a ‘bad precedent’, the White House were only interested in setting terrible precedents. “But ‘bad precedent’ should be the title of Trump’s autobiography.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”