"The former
Republican congressman sent suggestive e-mails to underage pages since as far
back 2000, but he was caught, he resigned and he went into rehab. They got up
him hooked up to a steady drip of Tiger Beat magazines and he's doing
great."--Stephen Colbert
"This weekend Ohio
Republican Bob Ney plead guilty to Abramoff-related bribery and corruption
charges. Congressman Ney's district encompasses -- this is true -- most of
Licking County, Ohio. Which early odds have it will also be the nickname of his
jail cell. Ney asked for leniency in sentencing because he says he has a
drinking problem. If you're keeping score at home, that now makes alcohol
responsible for corruption, anti-semitism, and homosexual pedophilia."
--Jon Stewart
"A strong 6.6
magnitude earthquake hit Hawaii yesterday morning. Pretty scary. President Bush
says he wants to do anything he can to help them because he considers Hawaii to
be one of our strongest allies. Of course, FEMA was there immediately.
Actually, some FEMA had arrived a day earlier to assess the the damage from the
Japanese bombing of Pearl Harbor." --Jay Leno
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