I love your eggs (You do not want to know)

That's right, more people are handing out weed at their wedding. Guests love it until the couple's first dance is a 45-minute song by Phish. --Jimmy Fallon

After going out of business last year, Toys "R" Us stores are coming back. When asked how he made a living while he was unemployed, Geoffrey the giraffe said, "You do not want to know." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Don’t I get credit for anything? (everything that ends in “izl”)

This week, Sarah Palin said that God helped Donald Trump win the presidential election. When he heard this, a furious Satan said, “Don’t I get credit for anything?” –Conan O’Brien

It is reported that rapper Snoop Dogg is filing for divorce. Apparently the divorce settlement is fair. Snoop’s wife gets the car and the house and Snoop gets custody of everything that ends in “izl.” --Conan O’Brien 5/25/2004

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And that’s why they call him the peace president (I think he won that one/I have the best words)

There’s no end in sight for the government shutdown, which entered its 15th day on Wednesday. President Trump had been doing his part to bring the two sides together. But a social media post from Trump called the Democrats ‘the party of hate, evil and Satan.’ Hate, evil and Satan. And that’s why they call him the peace president.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Only four shutdowns have gone longer than this one, the longest being a two-month stoppage in 2018, when Trump shut the government down until they brought back the McRib or something. I think he won that one. “— Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Police are describing the man as "armed and consistent." (the No. 1 threat to America)

In Florida, a man crashed his car, was found to be in possession of meth, then tried to flee the accident to get more meth. Police are describing the man as "armed and consistent." --Conan O’Brien

"A new study reveals that one-third of babies in the U.S. have used a smartphone. Yeah, and one-third of babies in China have MADE a smartphone." –Conan O'Brien

"Osama bin Laden is dead, which means the No. 1 threat to America is now the KFC Double Down." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a complaint usually reserved for Gaston (molto necesario)

It was reported that some critics of Donald Trump are preparing Go Bags in case they have to suddenly flee the country.  And I think that's stupid. But Colino Jostini thinks that it is molto necesario. —Colin Jost

A Spirit Airlines flight was forced to divert after it was struck by gunfire from gangs while trying to land in Haiti. A rare setback for people who fly Spirit to Haiti. —Colin Jost

A growing number of visitors to Disney World are complaining that the water ride Tiana's Bayou Adventure is leaving them too wet. Which is a complaint usually reserved for Gaston. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And it's just like a Bush to attack the wrong guy, it really is (We totally caught ourselves by surprise)

“But meanwhile, this U.S. exit from Syria was so sudden and hasty, we actually had to bomb one of our own bases to destroy the ammunition that was left behind. Thanks to our genius commander in chief, the U.S. military is now bombing itself. And it was a success, too. We totally caught ourselves by surprise.” --Jimmy Kimmel

Jeb Bush had a very rough night last night. He finally got time to say what he wanted, and how did he use it? He attacks not Donald Trump, not Hillary Clinton or Ben Carson. Of all people, he attacks Marco Rubio for missing votes in the Senate. Which is something that literally no one outside of Florida cares about. It was embarrassing. And it's just like a Bush to attack the wrong guy, it really is. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So what are you in hell for? (How dumb is you?)

While most eyes have been trained on Donald Trump’s criminal hush-money trial in New York, we are looking at America’s other major political corruption trial: that of the New Jersey senator Robert Menendez.

The 70-year-old senator faces 16 counts of federal bribery charges for allegedly conspiring with his wife, Nadine, to accept bribes from wealthy businessmen in exchange for political favors to help the governments of Qatar and Egypt. The prosecution’s evidence recovered from Menendez’s house includes boots stuffed with cash, gold bars, a Mercedes-Benz convertible, furniture, exercise equipment and cash found in the lining of the senator’s embroidered congressional jacket.

Upon returning from a trip to Egypt, Menendez also Googled “how much is one kilo of gold worth?” Menendez has proclaimed innocence. According to the New York Times, he said his cash habit was the result of “traumatic” family history. [As Menendez] “They are simply my emotional support gold bars? Whenever I’m not with them, I get anxious. We respond to trauma in different ways.”

But perhaps the dumbest thing about this entire, not-quite-believable Real Housewives episode is how unnecessary it all is. You, sir, are an elected official in America’s most respected legislative body. It’s like a license to print money. You don’t need to break the law so cartoonishly when the legal corruption in the Senate is so fucking lucrative. The trial occasioned a new Daily Show segment: “Senator Robert Menendez, how dumb is you?”

As Stewart explained: “Promising favors to foreign entities for a little chump change on the side? It’s bush league when as a US senator you can enrich yourself in so many different, let’s call them ‘legal’, ways.” The host let Menendez in on the workings of insider trading, writing laws that benefit a side business, “like the way Senator Chuck Grassley netted $370,000 in farm subsidies” and leadership PACs that essentially operate as lobbyist slush funds. “A pharma lobbyist cannot buy a senator a panini and some NyQuil,” he said, “but through the Pac, they can pay for five-star hotels for Senator Kristen Gillibrand, luxury resorts for Ted Cruz and even golf lessons for Rand Paul.

“At every turn, our Congress and our courts have been given a choice: be less corrupt, or redefine what constitutes corruption and get on with your bad selves,” Stewart added. “Robert Menendez’s gold bars in exchange for favorable legislation is obviously cartoonishly corrupt, but for anyone out there who thinks the status quo of government patronage and influence is of an entirely different species than Menendez … how dumb is you?” —Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You see, it really is hard out there for a pimp (See? It goes right back to Cheney again!)

Republican congressman Randy 'Duke' Cunningham was sentenced to 8 years in prison. You see, it really is hard out there for a pimp." --Jay Leno

"The White House announced today, as everybody else did, that in President Bush's re-election campaign, they're going to take the money they got from this Jack Abramoff guy and donate it to heart patients in need. See? It goes right back to Cheney again!" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday was 666. And the devil did not show up yesterday, unless of course you're a Democrat watching Ann Coulter on the 'Today Show.'" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

He will be a billionaire by the weekend (What? I'm looking at the baby)

"Breastfeeding activists plan to descend on Washington for a public breastfeeding demonstration. Also descending on Washington, thousands of men saying, "What? I'm looking at the baby." –Conan O'Brien

"The Navy SEAL responsible for killing Osama bin Laden says he's having trouble finding work. My advice: Charge $10 per high five. He will be a billionaire by the weekend." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you don't have a seat at the table, then you are on the menu (Don’t I get credit for anything?)

A new medical study I think was just released very recently found that frequent marijuana use slows down sperm. Scientists say the sperm is not only slower but when they reach the egg they just hang out and play video games. --Conan O’Brien 3/19/2004

This week, Sarah Palin said that God helped Donald Trump win the presidential election. When he heard this, a furious Satan said, “Don’t I get credit for anything?” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Mr. President, Please Put Down the Game Boy, Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States (if you don't believe me, you can ask my unicorn)

While speaking in North Carolina, President Bush said, the economy is strong, and the best is yet to come. Adding: Also, the war's going great, we don't torture people, I'm 11 feet tall, and if you don't believe me, you can ask my unicorn. —Tina Fey

"In response to the escalating violence in Iraq, President Bush is delaying the return home of 25,000 troops and will actually add reinforcements to the south. Then in a symbolic gesture he pulled down the mission accomplished banner, put on a flight suit, walked backwards to a jet fighter and flew it in reverse off an aircraft carrier." —Tina Fey

"In response to a request by the 9/11 commission the White House agreed to declassify the president's daily intelligence briefing from August 6th titled 'Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.' The commission also wants to see the August 20th briefing, 'No Seriously Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States' and also from August 26th, 'Mr. President, Please Put Down the Game Boy, Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.'" —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

See, this is what happens when Oprah gets high (reporting for duty only about 50 years late)

Donald Trump arrived in Vietnam this morning, reporting for duty only about 50 years late. --Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday, Oprah's entire set was made of chocolate. See, this is what happens when Oprah gets high." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Rick Santorum said he believes that Satan has his sights on America. Apparently Satan is still upset about the time he went down to Georgia and lost that fiddle. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And the devil was like, ‘Don't associate me with this.’ (Nothing helps you ease into prison like spending time at LaGuardia)

April 2023

“All over the city, tulips, daffodils, police barricades were blooming. That's right. Today, ahead of his scheduled arraignment, former President Trump flew from Florida to New York and landed at LaGuardia Airport. Yep, he was smart. Nothing helps you ease into prison like spending time at LaGuardia.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, Trump flew from Florida to New York, where he'll soon be arrested. He's basically doing a reverse spring break, if you think about it.” —Jimmy Fallon

“And this is real — Marjorie Taylor Greene's interview on 60 Minutes was watched by 6.66 million people. And the devil was like, ‘Don't associate me with this.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Thirty-four counts against Trump! I mean, if you throw in the other cases that he’s dealing with – the coup attempt, and the classified documents he stole – by the time we get to the primaries next year, Trump will be facing like a thousand criminal charges. Which would be very funny, if we spent all this time waiting for one criminal charge and ended up getting a ton of them all at once. It’s like when you turn on a hose and nothing comes out and you realize you’ve been standing on it, and you take your foot off and you just get blasted in the face.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Satan said he tries to avoid American politics because it makes him feel dirty (How conservative is he?)

“How conservative is he? Rick Santorum won't even take soda in the can.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so anti-gay, he won't even eat a Hershey bar if it has nuts.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is conservative; he's so conservative he won't even use a weed whacker. That's how conservative.” –Jay Leno

“In fact, Santorum is so conservative he won't even let the UPS guy handle his package. That's how conservative.” –Jay Leno

“He's so conservative he wants ballpark franks to stop plumping when you cook 'em. That's how conservative.” –Jay Leno

“This guy is really conservative. In fact, Rick Santorum is so conservative he won't even go down on an escalator.” –Jay Leno

"This guy Santorum is very conservative. Rick Santorum is so conservative he won't watch a baseball game because there's a pitcher and a catcher." –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum's tax returns show that last year, he paid double the tax rate that Mitt Romney paid. Romney is much more clever with the deductions. He writes off poor people.” –Jay Leno

"Santorum says that Satan has his sights set on the United States of America. And today Satan said he tries to avoid American politics because it makes him feel dirty." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'd hate to see anything take away our standing as the Great Satan (I believe she is classically trained on the flute)

 

"And as you know, McCain is a true American war hero. And today, a new video was released of John McCain being tortured by his captors. I want to warn you, this is very disturbing [on screen: McCain on 'The View']." --Jay Leno

"An analyst now says that killing Bush's port deal has hurt our standing in the Muslim world. Oh my god, I'd hate to see anything take away our standing as the Great Satan." --Jay Leno

 

"More details are starting to come out about the $5,000 prostitute hired by Eliot Spitzer. Her name's Ashley Alexandra Dupre. She's a 22-year-old aspiring musician. I believe she is classically trained on the flute." --Jay Leno

 

"Hey, did you all see John McCain last night? He gave a great speech. And you've got to admit, he looked so life-like, didn't he?" -Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This decision was hailed as a victory by Native American leader Giggling Eagle (Don’t I get credit for anything?)

"The hackers who hacked into Sony have leaked the upcoming script for the new James Bond movie. Some of the executives said the news left them shaken but not stirred." –Conan O'Brien

"Sony has canceled the big Seth Rogen movie, 'The Interview.' North Koreans hacked their email so Sony said, 'Now we can't show anybody the movie.' I'm disappointed. I think this is the wrong thing to do. And I hear in the film that Meryl Streep is great as Kim Jong Un." –Conan O'Brien

"The Justice Department ruled that Native American tribes are allowed to grow and sell marijuana on reservations. This decision was hailed as a victory by Native American leader Giggling Eagle." –Conan O'Brien

This week, Sarah Palin said that God helped Donald Trump win the presidential election. When he heard this, a furious Satan said, “Don’t I get credit for anything?” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Thank goodness I have all my money invested in breakfast sausage (sweet, hot, post-debate love)

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton locked horns for a debate that was broadcast on CNN. The tone was much more friendly than their last meeting. In fact, they even shared a room together afterwards. That would be great revenge on Bill for Monica Lewinsky -- Barack and Hillary making sweet, hot, post-debate love. How furious would Oprah be?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush was pretty blunt in his speech today, but at the end he managed to put a positive spin on things [on screen: Bush laughing after a series of negative things are said about the economy]. He has a special gift, and that is being able to see humor in everything. Thank goodness I have all my money invested in breakfast sausage." --Jimmy Kimmel

The most popular reality TV show in America right now is Donald Trump's campaign for president. Trump, yesterday, proposed a "total and complete shutdown" of Muslims coming into the United States. Even former Vice President Dick Cheney said the ban goes against everything we believe in. And this is a guy who shot one of his friends in the face. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh my god, I'd hate to see anything take away our standing as the Great Satan (Her people are afraid that Dorothy's house could drop on her)

"Dick Cheney will resign in the year 2007. That's what they're saying. In fact Cheney, himself, said today he's going to leave when shooting guys in the face just isn't fun anymore." --Jay Leno

"Ann Coulter is going to be on the show tomorrow night. Security is very tight. In fact, there is even restricted airspace over the studio. Her people are afraid that Dorothy's house could drop on her." --Jay Leno

"An analyst now says that killing Bush’s port deal has hurt our standing in the Muslim world. Oh my god, I'd hate to see anything take away our standing as the Great Satan." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”