What if soccer had less soccer? (call off work bestie, we need you to solve a m*rder)

The World Cup final is this Sunday and will now feature a halftime show because somewhere an American consultant asked, "What if soccer had less soccer?” —Joe Mackey    

Just 24 hours after proposing it, President Trump withdrew his 20% toll on cargo passing through the straight of Hormuz. Though, for some reason, shippers still have to pay a 20% fee to Ticket Master. —Joe Mackey 

In a recent interview, Keith Richards called America a bit of a disappointment at the moment, leaving many people concerned that he's having trouble finding drugs. —Joe Mackey 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

after drinking blood from Keith Richards (armed, dangerous, and very unlikely to get laid)

To find an effective biological weapon, the US Army experimented with killer mosquitos in the 1970s. Most of them died, though, after drinking blood from Keith Richards. —Greg Gutfeld 

Thieves stole at least $40,000 worth of Pokemon cards from a New Jersey trading card store. Police are describing the thieves as armed, dangerous, and very unlikely to get laid. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

and I have to say, it smells it (the ceremonial burning of the rule book)

A classic model Bentley owned by Keith Richards sold over the weekend for $1.2 million and features a secret compartment for storing drugs. The compartment is called Keith Richards. –Seth Meyers

New York City turned 352 years old yesterday, and I have to say, it smells it. –Seth Meyers

NFL training camp began today for many teams. As usual, the New England Patriots camp began with the ceremonial burning of the rule book. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And in classic BMW fashion, he fainted across two parking spaces (The compartment is called Keith Richards)

The CEO of BMW fainted onstage at the Frankfurt auto show this week. And in classic BMW fashion, he fainted across two parking spaces. –Seth Meyers

New national poll numbers show Dr. Ben Carson has pulled within four points of frontrunner Donald Trump. And I’m sure it’s not the first time Trump has been closely pursued by a brain surgeon. –Seth Meyers

A classic model Bentley owned by Keith Richards sold over the weekend for $1.2 million and features a secret compartment for storing drugs. The compartment is called Keith Richards. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which means that 15 percent of the time it’s just a pigeon staring at your boobs (Or, as Fox News reported it...)

Drug makers Pfizer and Allergan today announced a $160 billion merger. It’s the largest pharmaceutical merger since the one that takes place every day in Keith Richards’ stomach. –Seth Meyers

A new study has found that specially trained pigeons can have up to an 85 percent accuracy rate of detecting breast cancer in humans. Which means that 15 percent of the time it’s just a pigeon staring at your boobs. –Seth Meyers

"Sarah Palin launched her book tour this week with a stop in Michigan, where more than 1,000 people waited to meet her. Or, as Fox News reported it, half a million people." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Offering his Twitter back is like offering Keith Richards a cigarette (climate vs company)

April 2022

“Truth Social is getting a boost from the news that Elon Musk is buying Twitter. Their app is now No. 1 on the Apple Store free app chart. We know this because Trump released a statement that said, ‘Truth Social is No. 1 in the Apple App store,’ a statement he did not bother to post on Truth Social, by the way, because no one would see it there.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“He still hasn’t posted on his own Truth Social app since the day it launched back in February. The last time he ignored something this much, it was named Eric.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump is claiming that he wouldn’t return to Elon Musk’s Twitter if allowed. I’m sorry, but there’s no way Trump won’t immediately go back to tweeting if he’s given the chance. Trump doesn’t have the self-restraint to stay off Twitter. Offering his Twitter back is like offering Keith Richards a cigarette.” —Seth Meyers

“Former congressman Devin Nunes appeared on Fox News and practically begged the hosts to join Trump’s Truth Social site. Every time you think your life is bad, just remember: you could be a former congressman begging Brian Kilmeade, a man with the eyes of a cabbage patch doll, to send out truths. Fox News host Steve Doocy told Nunes, on-air, that he couldn’t join Truth Social because of a waitlist. A waiting list? Isn’t the whole point of the internet that everything is instant? This is like if you clicked on Apple maps and it was just a list of places where you could buy a map.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's kind of like Keith Richards telling you not to hang around with that pothead from school (It’s called being considerate)

January 2022

“The C.D.C. is reportedly considering updating its coronavirus guidance to recommend that people wear N95 or KN95 masks — or barring that, just 95 masks.” —Seth Meyers

“The C.D.C. also issued a do-not-travel advisory yesterday for Canada, due to an increase in coronavirus cases there, which is kind of like Keith Richards telling you not to hang around with that pothead from school.” —Seth Meyers

“The White House just announced that insurers will have to cover eight at-home virus tests per month. Eight per month, so, one for every new variant.” —Stephen Colbert

“In non-Covid news, the treasury department has predicted a ‘frustrating’ tax season for the overwhelmed IRS, “which is a shame, because it’s normally so homey and warm. It’s funny, you know, when the IRS is behind on getting their refunds to us, they take all the time they need. When we’re a day late paying them, they’re like ‘and which prison would you like to go to?’ According to the New York Times, the beleaguered department had fewer than 15,000 employees to handle more than 240 million calls – that’s 16,000 calls per person – during the 2021 filing season that left over 35 million unprocessed returns. That’s why Trump never pays taxes. He knows how overworked these people are. It’s called being considerate.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry  

 

They're starting early because they've got to delete 10 years of Bill Clinton's browser history (definitely Jewish)

December 2013

"Alabama kicker Cade Foster had a tough time in the Iron Bowl, missing three field goals against Auburn. A lot of people blamed him for losing the game. Former President George W. Bush actually sent him a note to offer his support. The guy had such bad aim, you'd think he get a note from Dick Cheney." –Jimmy Fallon

"Fox News host Megyn Kelly now says she was just kidding when she said Santa Claus is white. However, she's standing by her statement that the Grinch who stole Christmas, definitely Jewish." –Conan O'Brien

"It's really starting the look like Hillary Clinton's going to run. The digital team behind both of President Obama's campaigns is already preparing for a Hillary Clinton run. They're starting early because they've got to delete 10 years of Bill Clinton's browser history." –Conan O'Brien

"An entrepreneur has made a device that can prevent the NSA from spying on you by blocking your laptop's camera. This new high-tech device is called a small piece of tape." –Conan O'Brien

"Scientists are testing out a new drone that would replace lifeguards. Here's how it works: If you're drowning, the drone would fly out and drop a bomb on you." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

She means a metaphorical wall of silence and resentment. Trust me. (If he goes, we all go)

"Senator Hillary Clinton said she is in favor of building

a wall between Mexico and the United States. After

hearing this, former President Bill Clinton said,

'She means a metaphorical wall of silence and

resentment. Trust me.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright

called North Korea's leader Kim Jung Il a pervert.

In response, Kim Jung Il said 'I dare her to put on

a leather mask and say that to my ass.'"

--Conan O'Brien

"As if all this news is not bad enough, today,

President Bush announced he's on the case.

Because if there's one name that comes to

mind when you're in a no-room-for-error crisis,

it's George Bush." --Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Thanks to me, everyone will remember Alamo (I’m just planning my escape)

January 2021

“When they heard Trump was coming to the border, Mexico was like, ‘Phew, thank God that wall is here.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“When asked what he was doing there, Trump said, ‘I’m just planning my escape.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yup, Trump visited the border in the town of Alamo, Texas. He was like, ‘Thanks to me, everyone will remember Alamo.’” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Dirty Mac (Lennon, Clapton, Richards, Mitchell) - "Yer Blues" (1968)

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I just love that New York has the same policy as the prostitute in Pretty Woman (If he goes, we all go)

You to understand this I live in Staten Island where, you know, up until now, washing your hands before dinner was known as "coming out of the closet.” —Pete Davidson

Everyone who isn't a flat-earther is isolating at home right now which means you're either having the most sex in your life or you're like me who can now identify any porn star by the back of her head. —Pete Davidson

It turns out people out there are still trying to hook up I saw where the city even had to put out a pamphlet last month called sex and the coronavirus 19. It says you could have sex but don't kiss anyone. I just love that New York has the same policy as the prostitute in Pretty Woman. —Pete Davidson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Damn this Keurig machine! Where do I pour in the Folgers? (I hope I look that good when I'm 91)

President Trump criticized Facebook, Twitter, and Google today and claimed the platforms are biased against Republicans. Though you could make the claim that anything invented after 1980 is biased against Republicans. "Damn this Keurig machine! Where do I pour in the Folgers?" --Jimmy Fallon

A burglar broke into a Dallas home on Friday and stole the family's Christmas presents, jewelry, and their small dog. Even more tragic, officials believe they had help on the inside. --Jimmy Fallon

Today was Rolling Stones' guitarist Keith Richards' 75th birthday -- of the year? That's right. Keith Richards turned 75 today. And hey, I hope I look that good when I'm 91. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The Jimmy Rogers All Stars - Blues Blues Blues Non Stop Full Album

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535

if you’re spending that much time looking at old naked guys (Funyuns)

Health officials say there’s a new trend of women using marijuana during their pregnancy. Which explains why this year’s most popular baby name is Funyuns. –Conan O’Brien

According to a new study that just came out, older men who frequently use a sauna are less likely to develop dementia. Which is too bad, because if you’re spending that much time looking at old naked guys, there’s probably a lot you’d want to forget. –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday was Keith Richards’ birthday. He would have been 73. –Conan O’Brien

So far Donald Trump’s cabinet picks have a net worth of over $14 billion. So hopefully, Trump’s plan to balance the budget involves calling a meeting and then just passing the hat around. –Conan O’Brien

Bob Dylan and Keith Richards (three séances)

Analysts are speculating that communication between Donald Trump and his campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, has become practically nonexistent. They say if she spoke to Trump any less, they’d be married. –Conan O’Brien

A new report in Indiana has found that thousands of dead people are still registered to vote. Which explains why today, Donald Trump held four rallies and three séances. –Conan O’Brien

The Vatican has issued new guidelines on cremation, saying Catholics must bury the ashes in a cemetery. Which is too bad, because I wanted my ashes to be a secret ingredient on the show “Chopped.” –Conan O’Brien

15 percent of the time it’s just a pigeon staring at your boobs

Drug makers Pfizer and Allergan today announced a $160 billion merger. It’s the largest pharmaceutical merger since the one that takes place every day in Keith Richards’ stomach. –Seth Meyers

A new study has found that specially trained pigeons can have up to an 85 percent accuracy rate of detecting breast cancer in humans. Which means that 15 percent of the time it’s just a pigeon staring at your boobs. –Seth Meyers

The compartment is called Keith Richards

The New York Times is reporting that in recent speeches Donald Trump has seemed more composed and toned down, and has started using prepared notes. Now instead of just calling people “losers” and “morons,” he reads it off a card. –Seth Meyers

A classic model Bentley owned by Keith Richards sold over the weekend for $1.2 million and features a secret compartment for storing drugs. The compartment is called Keith Richards. –Seth Meyers

The CEO of BMW fainted onstage at the Frankfurt auto show this week. And in classic BMW fashion, he fainted across two parking spaces. –Seth Meyers