It’s like he’s thinking about it all the time, and it just popped out (I hate when I mix up my unprovoked invasions)

May 2022

“During a speech in Dallas on Wednesday, former President George W. Bush misspoke while talking about Russia’s war in Ukraine, referring to it as ‘a wholly unjustified and brutal invasion of Iraq.’ That slip of the tongue has me feeling a little nostalgic. Dubya and I, for about 10 years, had so many good times together back at the old ‘Colbert Report.’ I made so much fun of him, and he gave he so many reasons to do that.” —Stephen Colbert

“Jiminy Christmas! The one phrase he definitely should never utter for the rest of his life. It’s like he’s thinking about it all the time, and it just popped out.” —Stephen Colbert

“Oof. That’s like your wife asking if you’re hungry and saying, ‘I could cheat. I mean eat. I could eat with my mistress.’” —Seth Meyers

“I hate when I mix up my unprovoked invasions.” —James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Where is Kanye West when you need him? (he's the one guy she refuses to lick)

September 2013

"Ted Cruz reminds me of Miley Cyrus because he is not afraid to incur the wrath of even some of his fans for the greater good of drawing attention to himself. I really think a filibuster is the political version of 'twerking.'" –Bill Maher

"Ted Cruz talked for 21 hours in a fake filibuster, or as I call it, the vagina monologue. 21 hours? I kept saying, 'Where is Kanye West when you need him?'" –Bill Maher

"Even if it was a real filibuster, which is wasn't, it wouldn't even be the record. Strom Thurmond holds the record, 24 hours 18 minutes, taking only one break to impregnate his maid." –Bill Maher

"This Ted Cruz guy, he incurred the wrath of his own party. They don't like him. Democrats hate him. Independents hate him. Republicans hate him. Even Miley Cyrus -- he's the one guy she refuses to lick." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Obama shot back, ‘Don’t push me!’ (girlfriend, who doesn’t/become the squirrel)

March 2013

“How about that Rand Paul? There was some old-fashioned Mr. Smith Goes to Washington excitement this week. He filibustered the old-school way. He stood up there for 13 hours and demanded an answer from the president about whether it’s constitutional to kill an American on American soil with a drone. And Obama shot back, ‘Don’t push me!’” –Bill Maher

“Back in 1957 Mr. Strom Thurmond stood up there for 24 hours, pausing only once to impregnate a black lady, so I’m not impressed.” –Bill Maher

“They’re calling it Obama’s charm offensive because he took Republicans to dinner, and then he had Paul Ryan over for lunch. And it’s working apparently. This has been the problem all along. Republicans will put out, you just have to buy them a meal and tell them they are pretty first.” –Bill Maher

“Republicans in Arkansas passed the strictest abortion law ever…they say in the bill that life begins when your sister gets drunk.” –Bill Maher

“A poll came out this week and said a large majority of American Catholics want someone younger and all the cardinals said ‘girlfriend, who doesn’t.’” –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I kind of hope for the next impeachment that they bring back Billy Crystal (he can still fit in his Confederate uniform)

There is a lot of football excitement here in New York City this weekend. This morning this morning on my way to work I go into the Dunkin Donuts down the street you know and the mice in the Dunkin Donuts are spelling out Go Jets! --David Letterman 1/11/1999

Strom Thurmond he's like 107 he looks pretty good. You seen the guy he looks unbelievable and people tell me that he can still fit in his Confederate uniform. --David Letterman 1/11/1999

As you know by now the Impeachment proceeding in the Senate is being the judge for the proceeding is Supreme Court Justice William Rehnquist. Which is too bad I think we're all hoping for judge Ito weren't you a little bit. I think Rehnquist will do a you know I think he'll do an okay job but I just I kind of hope and maybe it's just me I kind of hope for the next impeachment that they bring back Billy Crystal. --David Letterman 1/8/1999

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

that's when the investors realized that if anything happened to him, President Bush would be in charge (in retaliation for that lawyer he shot in the face)

"How many of you have money in the stock market? Not anymore. At one point today, the market was down over 500 points. The drop started after the attempted assassination on Vice President Dick Cheney. See that's when the investors realized that if anything happened to him, President Bush would be in charge." --Jay Leno

"Today in Afghanistan, a suicide bomber blew himself up outside the main gate of the Army base where Vice President Cheney was staying. Cheney says he's fine. He's says the guy was either sent by the Taliban or by the American Bar Association in retaliation for that lawyer he shot in the face." --Jay Leno

"According to a report by this genealogist, Al Sharpton's ancestors were slaves once owned by Strom Thurmond's relatives. Now Al Sharpton wants a DNA test to see if they are related. And you know, somehow, this is going to end up that Strom Thurmond is the the father of Anna Nicole's baby." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Seriously -- even the ones we don't like (Well guess what? Cash is also a substance)

"For those of you in Washington, you may have noticed a subtle difference this week in DC: the air -- a little crisper; food -- a little more tasty; homeless people -- weren't being discovered drained of blood. It could only mean one thing: Vice President Dick Cheney was out of town. The vice president was on a week-long world tour. Funny story about Cheney's trip. An electrical glitch grounded his usual plane, Air Force II, forcing him to fly on a C-17 dubbed -- and I'm not kidding -- 'The Spirit of Strom Thurmond.' As you know, 'The Spirit of Strom Thurmond' is a white plane, but guess which hanger it likes to park in when no one's watching? [on screen: a black hanger]. Trips like these are fraught with peril. A suicide bomber attempted to attack Cheney during his stay in Afghanistan. To the suicide bombers and the Taliban: stop trying to kill our people. Seriously -- even the ones we don't like." --Jon Stewart

"Experts say this presidential election will be the most expensive ever. The major party candidates might each spend $500 million. Now, the people in the I-don't-have-$500-million crowd say that's bad for America, making cash more important than substance. Well guess what? Cash is also a substance." --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I mean, seriously, it only could have happened in America (he'd now like to be buried in the Bahamas)

"According to the Taliban, Osama bin Laden is alive. But they said if he dies, he'd now like to be buried in the Bahamas." --Jay Leno

"It's March 1st. Black History Month is officially over. But did you know that black history continues ... almost all the time. Take the story of one Reverend Al Sharpton -- Democrat, one-time presidential candidate and outspoken leader on civil rights. Funny story. Some genealogist is looking into his background and ... you're not going to believe this. It turns out his great grandfather had been enslaved by a relative of late South Carolina Senator and famed segregationist Strom Thurmond. Only in America. I mean, seriously, it only could have happened in America." --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

they sold him because his medallion kept getting caught in the cotton gin (I meant to say he was sacrificing brain cells)

"In other slave-owning news this week ... one of Al Sharpton's ancestors was owned by one of Strom Thurmond's ancestors. But they sold him because his medallion kept getting caught in the cotton gin." --Bill Maher

"You heard about the big John McCain gaffe. He was on the David Letterman show announcing his presidential campaign, and he pulled a Joe Biden. ... He used the word 'wasted' to describe the lives lost in Iraq. Next day, he said he should have used the word 'sacrifice'. But to put it into perspective, when McCain was a prisoner in Vietnam, George Bush was wasted. Sorry, I meant to say he was sacrificing brain cells." --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Carolinians felt that he would be plagiarizing from Strom Thurmond (It's funny 'cause you are finished)

"For McCain in South Carolina -- vindication. In 2000, everybody remembers he won New Hampshire against George W. Bush. And then when he went down to South Carolina, it was all kinds of negative campaigning that said that McCain had fathered an illegitimate black child, and George W. Bush ended up winning that race down there because of that story. Because if McCain had fathered an illegitimate black child, South Carolinians felt that he would be plagiarizing from Strom Thurmond, and they didn't think that was right. 

McCain did win the race, Huckabee came in a close second, and former Senator Fred Thompson came in third. Now Thompson is from Tennessee. It was very disappointing. He was putting all his eggs in South Carolina. One imagines that once he found out he had lost, he would give a dignified concession speech and bow out of the race with class [on screen: Thompson laughing and saying, 'Well, it may be a little early to declare victory, I'm not sure']. It's funny 'cause you are finished." --Jon Stewart

minority whip is a stepping stone to Grand Wizard

"President Bush in Vietnam. I bet you never thought you'd hear those words in the same sentence. It's like saying Bill Clinton and celibacy in the same sentence." --Jay Leno

"Trent Lott has regained a position of leadership. He was the former majority leader who lost his post for racially insensitive commentary. I believe he mentioned that Strom Thurmond in 1948, who ran as a segregationist candidate, should have won. But now, sound the irony alarm. He has recaptured a position and his position -- I kid you not -- in the Senate will be minority whip. So, my guess is he takes to that job like, let's say, white on rice." --Jon Stewart

"Yesterday in a 25 to 24 vote, Republicans welcomed back Lott back into their leadership and named him minority whip. That is great for Trent. They say minority whip is a stepping stone to Grand Wizard." --Stephen Colbert

Put your baby back on the phone

"We are actually headed toward a government shutdown, but if that's what it takes to get Ted Cruz off my TV, I am all for it." –Bill Maher



"The Senate passed a bill to keep the government running, but of course the teabaggers are still insisting on defunding Obamacare or they will blow the whole place up. Why are we asking them again? It's like saying to someone, 'Put your baby back on the phone.'" –Bill Maher

"Even if it was a real filibuster, which is wasn't, it wouldn't even be the record. Strom Thurmond holds the record, 24 hours 18 minutes, taking only one break to impregnate his maid." –Bill Maher 

I must have missed the moment when racism ended

"I must have missed the moment when racism ended. I wonder when it was? The time Ross dated Aisha Tyler on 'Friends?' Or when Keebler added a black elf? Oh, I know. It must have been when they made slavery illegal in Mississippi all the way back in ... four weeks ago." –Stephen Colbert

“Back in 1957 Mr. Strom Thurmond stood up there for 24 hours, pausing only once to impregnate a black lady, so I’m not impressed.” –Bill Maher



“Two key questions emerged from the dinner: 1) whether anything can get done without the Repbulican leadership; and 2) why do John McCain and Lindsey Graham always go to the bathroom in pairs. I’m just going to call them McCainsey from now on.” –Bill Maher