or as the special forces refer to him, 'Next.' (George W. Bush office of Embellishment)

"Did you hear about this al-Zarqawi? They knocked him out over the weekend and al Qaeda has chosen a new leader. His name is Abu Hamza al-Muhajer. Yeah, he's the new al Qaeda leader in Iraq and it's a huge step for this guy because his last job he was in charge of corporate gifting. They didn't waste any time. Zarqawi was killed and they named this Abu Hamza al-Muhajer, or as the special forces refer to him, 'Next.'" --David Letterman

"A few weeks after U.S. troops dropped two 500-pound surprises on al-Zarqawi, the White House dropped a 190-pound surprise on U.S. troops in the form of a presidential visit. Said the Iraqi prime minister to the president, 'If I knew you were coming, I'd have built an infrastructure.'" --Jon Stewart

"The FBI says it wants Zarqawi's DNA so they can compare it with samples found in other terrorist safe houses and to establish the extent of his influence. And if need be, clone him so he can be killed again closer to the midterm elections." --Jon Stewart

so he can be killed again closer to the midterm elections (visual stimuli)

"New information has surfaced about the circumstances of Zarqawi's death. For example, it now appears Zarqawi survived the initial air strike for an estimated 52 minutes. Even hours later, Senate Majority Leader, doctor Bill Frist continued to insist, 'The man seems to respond to visual stimuli.'" --Jon Stewart

"Al Qaeda wasted no time in naming Zarqawi's successor and he is Abu Hamza al-Muhajer. Congratulations, al-Muhajer. You're the new leader of al Qaeda in Iraq and with that comes this beautiful dinette set and a brand new Pontiac Firebird. Come on down and collect your prize. I guess we'll have to find another way to catch him. That was my idea." --Jon Stewart

"The FBI says it wants Zarqawi's DNA so they can compare it with samples found in other terrorist safe houses and to establish the extent of his influence. And if need be, clone him so he can be killed again closer to the midterm elections." --Jon Stewart

a secret plan to sneak a guy in and out of Condoleezza Rice (Hello Detroit!)

"The big news of the day is that President Bush made his second surprise visit to Baghdad -- flew in and out. He sneaked in. It worked so well that they now have a secret plan to sneak a guy in and out of Condoleezza Rice." --David Letterman

"Earlier today President Bush made a surprise visit to Baghdad. Apparently, the president was confused by all of the destruction, because the first thing he said was 'Hello Detroit!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Last week the U.S. eliminated Iraq's number one terrorist, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. This week al Qaeda announced his successor, Abu Hamza al-Muhajer. When asked why they chose him, an al Qaeda spokesperson said, 'We have a lot of leftover stationary that says, From the Desk of Abu.'" --Conan O'Brien