I guess my bologna really does have a first name (I'll take Things That Dictators Do for $500, Alex)

Researchers somewhere studied 75 brands of hot dogs and found

some of them contained human DNA. I guess my bologna really

does have a first name. –Stephen Colbert

But the president swears he’s not taking it easy, tweeting: “Working in Bedminster, N.J., as long-planned construction is being done at the White House. This is not a vacation — meetings and calls!” Meetings AND calls! Wow! Both of them! Trump has to do all that during his vacation? Man, I would NOT want to work for Vladimir Putin. Tough boss! –Stephen Colbert

"The United States has no choice but to attack Syria because Dictator Bashar al-Assad is killing his own people with chemical weapons. Before, he was just killing them with bullets. But if America cared about shooting people, we'd be invading Chicago." –Stephen Colbert