he then drove away on a road that I assume he paved himself

This weekend was the Kentucky Derby with Nyquist coming in first, Exaggerator coming in second, and — this is crazy — Jeb coming in last. –Seth Meyers

A wheelchair basketball game in Germany had to be called off this weekend after 60 fans attacked each other with knives and baseball bats. On the plus side, it sounds like they should have some more players for the next game. –Seth Meyers

A tow truck driver in Asheville, North Carolina, who supports Donald Trump evidently stranded a disabled woman on the side of the road after he saw a Bernie Sanders bumper sticker on her car. Telling the woman that she was obviously a socialist and that she should call the government for help, he then drove away on a road that I assume he paved himself. –Stephen Colbert