eye... 26 (“glaucoma”)

Congress this weekend ended the federal government’s ban on medical marijuana. Good news for people with glaucoma as well as people with “glaucoma.” –Seth Meyers

Two elderly women in Canada this week got into a physical fight after they both wanted to sit in the same chair during a game of Bingo. One of them even lost an eye... 26. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm willing to bet Big Government feels it's biggest when it's inside your **** (It's basically the Hard Rock Café of catastrophic policy decisions)

"I guess that's better than its original title, Disasterpiece Theater. It's basically the Hard Rock Café of catastrophic policy decisions." –Jon Stewart on the "Decision Points Theater" exhibit at the Bush Presidential Library

"So you remember Florida and Michigan? They held their Democratic primaries early, ended up having all their delegates stripped, not having their votes count. Remember how none of us really cared? Because we don't live there. And it's not like the race was going to be close. And those hundreds of delegates would be the difference between victory for a candidate in November and disastrous party infighting. Funny story. Now that each Democratic delegate is as precious as a Gutenberg Bible stained with centaur tears and signed by both Johannes and Steve Gutenberg." --Jon Stewart

"The Supreme Court ruling that anyone who's arrested -- even accidentally -- can be strip-searched was decided five to four, with the votes for the searches coming from the Court's five conservatives. You know -- the 'defending personal liberty' guys. Which is weird because I'm not a constitutional scholar, but I'm willing to bet Big Government feels it's biggest when it's inside your anus." –Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Then someone told him that’s where porn was (I have been a fool. I apologize)

A Republican lawmaker who was criticized about his vote against internet privacy said nobody’s got to use the internet. Then someone told him that’s where porn was. And he said, “I have been a fool. I apologize.” –Conan O’Brien

In New York, a Southwest Airlines pilot was arrested for having a loaded gun hidden in his carry-on bag. The pilot was fired from Southwest and immediately hired by United, so we’re all set now. –Conan O’Brien

Researchers are now using the video game “Grand Theft Auto” to teach self-driving cars how to drive. That’s true. In fact, two Google cars were just arrested for beating up a hooker. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

TrumpCare: We cut out a few needless procedures (Like Anesthesia)

Yesterday the president signed a bill that will allow internet service providers to collect and share your personal information and search histories without asking your permission to do it. Now these big companies can see every detail of our lives online. We still can’t see his tax returns, but they can see everything we look at. –Jimmy Kimmel

Virginia police are investigating vandalism at Trump National Golf Club over the weekend. They found graffiti that said, “Help, I don’t want to be president anymore.” –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JusticeDemocrats #Bernie2020

I’ve got nothing to hide. I burned my computer this morning (Sanctuary!)

First lady Melania Trump spoke today at the State Department. Well, technically, all she said was, “Sanctuary!” –Seth Meyers

According to a new poll, President Vladimir Putin’s approval rating among Russians is above 80 percent. Of course, that’s largely because he conducted the poll in person. –Seth Meyers

Anyone here use the internet? You might want to knock it off because Congress has now voted to allow internet providers to sell your web-browsing history. Now might be a good time to clear your browser history. Just hit that button, or . . . pull the lever? I don’t know, I’ve never used it. I’ve got nothing to hide. I burned my computer this morning. –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

it’s one of the best statues of Gary Busey I’ve ever seen

This bill has been passed by the House and the Senate and will now go to Trump for signing. And Trump says he is going to sign it, because remember, privacy only matters when we are talking about his tax returns. –James Corden

In Portugal, where an airport was renamed in his honor, world-famous soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo was presented with a statue of himself. Sort of. See if you think this statue looks like him [shows photo of hideous statue and handsome Ronaldo]. It’s terrible! It looks like his face was bended like Beckham. Just because it’s a soccer player doesn’t mean that you have to actually sculpt the statue with your feet. –James Corden

It’s one of the worst statues of Ronaldo ever. But on the bright side, it’s one of the best statues of Gary Busey I’ve ever seen. –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

it just didn't click without a sheik involved (tax dodge to screw the needy)

"Who was it that we find out the finances Neil Bush’s software company? The United Arab Emirates. The same folks who were going to guard our ports. Sure the Bushes were using a tax dodge to screw the needy, but it just didn't click without a sheik involved." --Bill Maher

Congress voted to allow internet service providers to sell their customers’ web data without permission. I’ll just give all the viewers at home a moment to clear their browser history. –James Corden

I have to admit this does make me a little nervous. I thought my web data was strictly between me and the Domino’s pizza tracker app. –James Corden

Aren’t we passed this point now? Our phones are already spying on all of us. Today I just looked at a bowl of fruit and two minutes later my Facebook page was covered with ads for Banana Republic. –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

we’re officially up to season three of “The Sopranos” right now (climate schlimate)

It’s come out that several of Donald Trump’s businesses have ties to the Russian mafia. So, if you’re keeping track, we’re officially up to season three of “The Sopranos” right now. –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday, the House of Representatives voted to get rid of internet privacy rules. Members cast their vote, then immediately ran home to delete their browser histories. –Conan O’Brien

A new study reports that older women are doing more and more binge drinking. I asked my mom if that was true and she said, “I love you, man.” –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Palin says she’s great at helping veterans. John McCain was like, “Wrong.”

Donald Trump is considering Sarah Palin to be his secretary of Veterans Affairs. Palin says she’s great at helping veterans. John McCain was like, “Wrong.” –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, Jill Stein officially requested a hand recount of 4.8 million ballots in Michigan, but Donald Trump says he’s going to fight it, by shouting out other numbers while they’re trying to count. –Jimmy Fallon