"North Korea's Kim
Jong Il apologized and expressed regret for setting off his nuclear bomb. He
also said that he's an alcoholic, that he was molested as a child, and he's
going into rehab. And he said, 'Me love you long range.'." --Bill Maher
"In Las Vegas, a
32-year-old mother told police that Republican Congressman Jim Gibbons, who is
running for governor in Nevada, got drunk, put his hand on her thigh, complained
about his marriage and then tried to have sex with her in the parking garage. A
congressman trying to have sex with an adult woman? This is the best news
Republicans have had in years." --Jay Leno
"U.S. Intelligence
this week confirmed North Korea's claim that it exploded a nuclear bomb deep
inside a mountain. This officially makes North Korea a nuclear threat, but only
if they can lure their enemies deep inside a mountain." --Amy Poehler
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