a Beluga whale in every toilet (two bonus minutes)

In Norway, a whale watcher dropped their cell phone in the ocean. Then a Beluga whale retrieved it for them. That’s amazing. Now all we need to keep our cell phones safe is a Beluga whale in every toilet. --Stephen Colbert

If you remember a few weeks ago the democrats proposed a $1 Trillion infrastructure deal, and Trump said, “Why not $2 Trillion?” So they said Okay. Today was just supposed to be hammering out the details, but it didn’t work out that way. Trump walked in, didn’t shake anyone’s hand or take a seat, and left before anyone else could speak. All told, it was over in three minutes. According to Stormy Daniels that’s two bonus minutes. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know something is wrong when... (please stop comparing us to...)

Scientists say new artificial intelligence is finally decoding the secret language of whales. The whale's most common request. Greg, please stop comparing us to Joy Behar. —Greg Gutfeld

The New York Times is reporting that Jeffrey Epstein left a suicide note in his cell. Some questioned its authenticity, however, because it said, quote, "I can't live in a world without Hillary being president.” —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

she seems to have gained a lot of weight in prison (send wasabi and chopsticks)

Recent pictures of Jeffrey Epstein cohort and convicted sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell show that she seems to have gained a lot of weight in prison. Sources say she's trying to make it harder to be lifted up to a noose. —Greg Gutfeld

Speaking of the Olympics, a Norwegian medalist tearfully admitted on camera to cheating on his girlfriend of just 6 months. Well, say goodbye to being on the Wheaties box. —Greg Gutfeld

A 46- ft whale washed ashore dead on Sunset Beach in Oregon. In lieu of flowers, Bobby Kennedy is asking that you send wasabi and chopsticks. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now all we need to keep our cell phones safe is a Beluga whale in every toilet (they are going to leave that part out of the Disney movie)

In Norway, a whale watcher dropped their cell phone in the ocean. Then a Beluga whale retrieved it for them. That’s amazing. Now all we need to keep our cell phones safe is a Beluga whale in every toilet. --Stephen Colbert

A wild raccoon has moved into a German zoo and the zookeepers can’t expel it. Zookeepers say the raccoon “can expect free board and lodgings for life, because European Union rules forbid him from being released back into the wild.” But “He’ll have to be castrated.” And I have a feeling that they are going to leave that part out of the Disney movie. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow, that is the worst thing ever to happen to Titanic (no force on earth can stop it)

This weekend, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne said that they're getting a divorce. Ozzy announced the separation by biting the head off their lawyer. It's sad news. They were married for 33 years, six of which Ozzy remembers. –Stephen Colbert

Avengers: Endgame just beat the $2.12 Billion box office record set by Titanic. Wow, that is the worst thing ever to happen to Titanic. --Stephen Colbert

In Norway, a whale watcher dropped their cell phone in the ocean. Then a Beluga whale retrieved it for them. That’s amazing. Now all we need to keep our cell phones safe is a Beluga whale in every toilet. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The stains (next of kin)

At a recent pressor President Trump started listing the most insane examples of government spending. The most egregious one of course was the six figures spent to have Jerry Nadler's pants let out. It still didn't work. The stains. —Greg Gutfeld

Australian Wildlife officials have decided to euthanize dozens of whales that were stranded on a beach. And today in fact, they had the difficult task of informing the whales next of kin on The View. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Well that explains the ******** (she was nowhere near Chile)

Meanwhile a former Democrat donor claims Joe Biden was put on drugs before campaign events. Well that explains the erection. —Greg Gutfeld

Off the coast of Chile a kayaker was caught on camera being swallowed by a humpback whale, prompting Joy Behar to say, that she was nowhere near Chile. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Stop pointing out our lies and hypocrisy! (yacht propellers)

A new report shows that for the first time ever, Michelob Ultra is the most popular draft beer thanks to an unprecedented increase in pussies. —Colin Jost               

For the first time in almost 50 years, whale meat was auctioned off in Japan for almost $650 a pound. Wow. That's crazy. I get it for free just by scraping it off my yacht propeller. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

The Five People You Meet in Hell (They’re hoping the attendance is better than last year when he got circumcised)

Yesterday, California banned the breeding of killer whales in captivity. Good news for orcas, bad news for the orca porn industry. –Conan O’Brien

A man is getting bar mitzvah’d at age 113. They’re hoping the attendance is better than last year when he got circumcised. –Conan O’Brien

"It's been reported that former Vice President Cheney is hard at work on his memoirs. It's called 'The Five People You Meet in Hell.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This was also his wedding toast to his son Eric, by the way (Humpback Mountain)

It was reported that MSNBC studios at 30 Rock have been infested with bedbugs. For more on this story everybody look under their seats! —Colin Jost

For the first time ever, two male humpback whales were photographed having sex. Learn more about it in the heartbreaking drama, Humpback Mountain. —Colin Jost

“Donald Trump — you remember that guy? He used to be, yeah — wrote ‘Has there ever been a worse host than Jimmy Kimmel at the Oscars? His opening was that of a less-than-average person trying too hard to be something which he is not and never can be.’ This was also his wedding toast to his son Eric, by the way.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he plans to commit at least 90 more felonies (whale oil lamp industry)

“Former President Trump took the witness stand today in his civil fraud trial. He swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, and then everyone just laughed and laughed.” — Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump is ahead in all the polls, and since whatever he’s doing is working, he plans to commit at least 90 more felonies.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

He drobbed a bomb every 20 minutes for 8 years (the only debates to air on the Turner Classic Movie Channel)

I cannot be more excited for the Biden/Trump debates. They’re going to be the first debates sponsored by a Jamaican nurse. As well as the only debates to air on the Turner Classic Movie Channel. —Colin Jost

Two men were arrested in India trying to smuggle in whale vomit. Or as it’s known commercially, a Shamrock shake. —Colin Jost

Joe Biden just picked up an endorsement from the governor of Michigan. It makes sense that she would endorse Biden, because the state of Michigan kind of looks like a hand trying to touch a lady’s hair. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I think he should be re-elected because he's hilarious and because I don't live in Toronto (I thought he had an exclusive deal with crack)

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford reiterated that he should be re-elected mayor of Toronto because he saves taxpayers money. I think he should be re-elected because he's hilarious and because I don't live in Toronto." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush's approval rating is not good. A new Gallup poll puts it at just 36% which is a new low for his presidency. He is just slightly more popular than herpes now." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today gang members were caught on wiretaps saying they have photos of Mayor Rob Ford doing heroin, which is weird because I thought he had an exclusive deal with crack." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And I have a feeling that they are going to leave that part out of the Disney movie (six of which Ozzy remembers)

A wild raccoon has moved into a German zoo and the zookeepers can’t expel it. Zookeepers say the raccoon “can expect free board and lodgings for life, because European Union rules forbid him from being released back into the wild.” But “He’ll have to be castrated.” And I have a feeling that they are going to leave that part out of the Disney movie. --Stephen Colbert

This weekend, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne said that they're getting a divorce. Ozzy announced the separation by biting the head off their lawyer. It's sad news. They were married for 33 years, six of which Ozzy remembers. –Stephen Colbert

In Norway, a whale watcher dropped their cell phone in the ocean. Then a Beluga whale retrieved it for them. That’s amazing. Now all we need to keep our cell phones safe is a Beluga whale in every toilet. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Open House Today: You Will Be Murdered (Never rub another man’s rhubarb)

In Philadelphia, a real estate investor says a home he was scoping out came with an unadvertised surprise. A stairway booby-trapped with a swinging knife.  To be fair, the real estate listing did say, “Open House Today: You Will Be Murdered.” --Stephen Colbert

Now, along with everyone else in America, President Trump is mad at Jussie Smollett, tweeting, “What about MAGA and the tens of millions of people insulted with your racist and dangerous comments!?” Colbert as Trump, “After all, racist and dangerous comments, kind of my thing. Never rub another man’s rhubarb.” --Stephen Colbert

Following a malfunction Monday night, more than a dozen people were trapped on a SeaWorld ride for four hours. Reached for comment the whales said, “Phase One complete. Now we train them to perform for our young.” --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the best way to give my hair this amazing volume (Hey, can I film this?)

October 2022

A popular Peloton instructor is suing the company for nearly $2 Million alleging that an executive mocked him for being Irish. In response the executive counter sued him for all the treasure in his pot of gold. —Colin Jost

A United Airlines passenger who was high on mushrooms assaulted two flight attendants. While over at Spirit Airlines, bath salts are the in-flight snack. —Colin Jost

 Researchers say the number of gray whales off western North America has continued to decline for several years. It’s a sad fact that makes me wonder if whale oil is really the best way to give my hair this amazing volume. —Colin Jost

A video has gone viral of a doctor removing nearly two dozen contact lenses from a woman’s eye that she had forgotten were in there. And you know that you messed up when your doctor is like, ‘Hey, can I film this?’ —Colin Jost

Border officials have discovered $400,000 worth of meth hidden inside pumpkins. They could tell the pumpkins were full of meth because they only had three teeth left. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Also fed up were the prostitutes he tried to run over (as it’s known commercially, a Shamrock shake)

At this point I think the debate should be on that quarantined cruise ship. And whoever can beat the coronavirus should become our next president. —Colin Jost

Students at Penn State held a candlelight vigil for a campus Taco Bell that is closing. Because after you eat Taco Bell, it never hurts to light a candle. —Colin Jost

Two men were arrested in India trying to smuggle in whale vomit. Or as it’s known commercially, a Shamrock shake. —Colin Jost

Relatives of an 11 year old boy were fined after they got fed up with him playing Grand Theft Auto too much and let him drive a real car. Also fed up were the prostitutes he tried to run over. —Colin Jost

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I have a feeling that they are going to leave that part out of the Disney movie (a Beluga whale in every toilet)

In Norway, a whale watcher dropped their cell phone in the ocean. Then a Beluga whale retrieved it for them. That’s amazing. Now all we need to keep our cell phones safe is a Beluga whale in every toilet. --Stephen Colbert

We also have this actual footage of a dolphin returning a woman’s iPhone. So, either these were both beautiful moments of inter-species cooperation, or they’re just telling us to “Please stop throwing your crap into our home!” --Stephen Colbert

A wild raccoon has moved into a German zoo and the zookeepers can’t expel it. Zookeepers say the raccoon “can expect free board and lodgings for life, because European Union rules forbid him for being released back into the wild.” But “He’ll have to be castrated.” And I have a feeling that they are going to leave that part out of the Disney movie. --Stephen Colbert

A new royal baby has been born. But up until today we didn’t know much about the young heir. All that we knew is that he was born Monday, weighing just over seven pounds-or, in American, about 9 dollars. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

In Russia, not even Willy is free (We switched to Edibles years ago)

Here's some good news. Starting today, smoking is banned inside all Disney theme parks. When they heard that, all of the people in costume were like, "Whatever. We switched to Edibles years ago." --Jimmy Fallon

I read that New Zealand accents were just ranked the sexiest in the world. And everyone from Boston was like, "Oh, my God. Are you friggin' kidding me? This crap is wicked rigged! Rigged!" --Jimmy Fallon

Well, the President is also gearing up for 2020, and I heard Donald Trump Jr.'s girlfriend, Kimberly Guilfoyle, is joining the campaign as a senior adviser. Yep, while Don Jr. will remain in his role -- unpaid intern. --Jimmy Fallon

A whale wearing an electronic device was spotted off the coast of Norway, and experts think it was spying for Russia. When reached for comment, Vladimir Putin was like, "In Russia, not even Willy is free." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Buy two and the next one is Free Willy (But I guess he was stupid)

We here at "Late Night" have a lot of expenses, and to cover the cost, we have taken on some pretty, well, terrible sponsors, sponsors we aren't very proud of, sponsors I'm ashamed that we took money from. But because we did take their money, we now have to mention them on the air. So, apologies in advance, but tonight, "Late Night" is brought to you by salted Band-Aids. The Band-Aids with a little dash of salt. Forget about your paper cut and focus on how bad this Band-Aid feels. Also available in lemon juice. Next up, vape clarinets. Looking to combine the two things high schoolers find coolest? Try vape clarinets. Vape clarinets -- get addicted to jazz. We're also sponsored by whale jerky. We believe whales should be a protected species, but should one dead one wash up onshore, we will make jerky out of it. Buy two and the next one is Free Willy. --Seth Meyers

According to Politico, while on a guided tour of Mount Vernon last year, President Trump couldn't understand why George Washington didn't name the compound after himself, saying, "If he was smart, he would have put his name on it." Trump then added, "But I guess he was stupid," before returning to Washington, D.C. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”