but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter (I go by thickness)

"George Bush says we are losing the War on Drugs. You know what

that implies? There's a war being fought and people on drugs are

winning it!" – Bill Hicks

A person told me that I was wearing two different colored socks. I

said it was true, but to me they were the same because I go by

thickness. –Steven Wright

The Post Office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp

commemorating prostitution in the United States. It’s a ten cent

stamp, but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter. --Chevy Chase, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What a genius, he'll be missed (I go by thickness)

"George Bush says we are losing the War on Drugs. You know what that implies? There's a war being fought and people on drugs are winning it!" – Bill Hicks

A person told me that I was wearing two different colored socks. I said it was true, but to me they were the same because I go by thickness. –Steven Wright

Dr. James Watts, a neurosurgeon who performed the first frontal lobotomy died this week in Washington. If you recall, a lobotomy involves drilling holes in the skull and then inserting and rotating a knife to destroy brain cells. What a genius, he'll be missed. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I go by thickness (but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter)

"George Bush says we are losing the War on Drugs. You know what that implies? There's a war being fought and people on drugs are winning it!" – Bill Hicks

A person told me that I was wearing two different colored socks. I said it was true, but to me they were the same because I go by thickness. –Steven Wright

The Post Office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States. It’s a ten cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter. --Chevy Chase, SNL

And in music news number one on the college charts this summer was the band Better Than Ezra. At number two, Ezra. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There's a war being fought and people on drugs are winning it! (but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter)

"George Bush says we are losing the War on Drugs. You know what that implies? There's a war being fought and people on drugs are winning it!" – Bill Hicks

A person told me that I was wearing two different colored socks. I said it was true, but to me they were the same because I go by thickness. –Steven Wright

The Post Office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States. It’s a ten cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter. --Chevy Chase, SNL

And in music news number one on the college charts this summer was the band Better Than Ezra. At number two, Ezra. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Somebody's making a penny (smile for a satellite picture)

Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody's making a penny. —Steven Wright

I talk to myself a lot. It bothers people though because I use a megaphone. —Steven Wright

Every once in a while I like to stick my head out my window look up at the sky and smile for a satellite picture. —Steven Wright

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

because I go by thickness (keep that sh*t up)

"George Bush says we are losing the War on Drugs. You know what that implies? There's a war being fought and people on drugs are winning it!" – Bill Hicks

A person told me that I was wearing two different colored socks. I said it was true, but to me they were the same because I go by thickness. –Steven Wright

The Post Office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States. It’s a ten cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter. --Chevy Chase, SNL

And in music news number one on the college charts this summer was the band Better Than Ezra. At number two, Ezra. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You come from a strong line of lunatics (The people who live above me are furious)

I've been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious. --Steven Wright

I'm gonna get a tattoo over my whole body of me, but taller. --Steven Wright

I bought an album that teaches you different languages. You put the album on, you put headphones on, and you learn the language while you're sleeping. During the night the record skipped. I got up the next day and I could only stutter in Spanish. --Steven Wright

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

whenever I leave a house I go out through the window (I haven’t seen it all month)

I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts, but I only need them when I read. So I got flip ups. I keep them on my desk right next to my typewriter. I have the oldest typewriter in the entire world. It types in pencil. --Steven Wright

I've never seen electricity that's why I don’t pay for it. I write on the bill sorry, I haven’t seen it all month. —Steven Wright

I was caesarean born. You can't really tell. Although whenever I leave a house I go out through the window. --Steven Wright

I was folding my bed back into coach. I almost broke both my arms cause it’s not one of those kinds of beds. --Steven Wright

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm a peripheral visionary (Playing you all for fools)

I bought an ant farm. I don’t know where I am going to get tractors that small. --Steven Wright

I bought a cordless extension cord. --Steven Wright 

I bought a decaffeinated coffee table. --Steven Wright 

You know when you put a stick in the water and it looks like it's bent but it really isn’t? That’s why I don’t take baths. --Steven Wright

She said let me ask you this and I said what? She said if you could know how and when you were gonna die would you want to know? I said no and she said, forget it then. --Steven Wright

I picked up a hitchhiker and she asked me what I did. I told her that I'm a peripheral visionary. I can see into the future but just way off to the side. --Steven Wright

Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. --Steven Wright

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is it's always room temperature. --Steven Wright

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hermits have no peer pressure (Was that a banjo?)

It's a small world but I wouldn’t want to paint it. —Steven Wright

One time I went to the drive-in in a cab. The movie cost me 95 dollars. —Steven Wright

I couldn't sleep so I got up, then I got hungry so I went down to the store that I know it was open 24 hours. When I got down there there was a guy outside locking it up. He said sorry we're closed. I said what do you mean you're closed the sign says open 24 hours? He said not in a row. —Steven Wright

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I’m going to use it. --Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen. --Steven Wright

I was folding my bed back into coach. I almost broke both my arms cause it’s not one of those kinds of beds. --Steven Wright

Hermits have no peer pressure. --Steven Wright

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Don't you dare tell me how to freedom (my calendar has no sevens)

My telephone broke so I had to get a new phone. I didn’t have much money so I had to get an irregular phone. It had no 5 on it. I was walking down the street and I bumped into a good friend of mine he said how come you never call me anymore? I said I can't call everyone I want my phone has no five on it. He said that's really weird. How long have you had it? I said I don't know, my calendar has no sevens. --Steven Wright

One time right in the middle of a job interview I took out a book and I started reading. The guy said what the hell are you doing? I said let me ask you one question. If you were in a vehicle and you were traveling at the speed of light and then you turned your lights on would they do anything? He said I don't know? I said forget it then I don’t want to work for you. --Steven Wright

I've never seen electricity that's why I don’t pay for it. I write on the bill sorry, I haven’t seen it all month. —Steven Wright

A couple of nights ago I came home very late and I was having a little bit of trouble getting into my apartment. I accidentally took out a car key and I stuck it into the door and turned it and the building started up. So I drove it around for a while I went too fast and the police pulled me over. They said where do you live? I said right here. Then I parked it in the middle of the highway and I ran out the front door and yelled at all the cars to get the hell out of my driveway. —Steven Wright

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I have the oldest typewriter in the entire world. It types in pencil (Broken System)

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad. --Steven Wright

I was caesarean born. You can't really tell. Although whenever I leave a house I go out through the window. --Steven Wright

I called the wrong number today I said hello is joey there and a woman answered she said yes yes he is. I said can I speak to him please. She said no he can't talk right now he’s only two months old. I said all right, I’ll wait. --Steven Wright

I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts, but I only need them when I read. So I got flip ups. I keep them on my desk right next to my typewriter. I have the oldest typewriter in the entire world. It types in pencil. --Steven Wright

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don’t know where I am going to get tractors that small (That’s why I don’t take baths)

I bought an ant farm. I don’t know where I am going to get tractors that small. --Steven Wright

I bought a cordless extension cord. --Steven Wright 

I bought a decaffeinated coffee table. --Steven Wright 

You know when you put a stick in the water and it looks like it's bent but it really isn’t? That’s why I don’t take baths. --Steven Wright

She said let me ask you this and I said what? She said if you could know how and when you were gonna die would you want to know? I said no and she said, forget it then. --Steven Wright

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Mayday! We have a problem. (No corporate donors)

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I’m going to use it. --Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen. --Steven Wright

I was folding my bed back into coach. I almost broke both my arms cause it’s not one of those kinds of beds. --Steven Wright.

Hermits have no peer pressure. --Steven Wright

A wicker chair it's my favorite chair. Because I stole it. I was at a crowded party and when no one was looking I went over to it and I unraveled it. --Steven Wright

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The highest source of B17 (Still trust your government?)

Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. --Steven Wright

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is it's always room temperature. --Steven Wright

I went to a general store, they wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.  --Steven Wright

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The only way that Trump could be happier with the Mueller Report is... (A word to the 1%)

The only way that Trump could be happier with the Mueller Report is if a porn star rolled it up and spanked him with it. --Jimmy Kimmel

And in music news number one on the college charts this summer was the band Better Than Ezra. At number two, Ezra. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

I was cesarean born. You can't really tell. Although whenever I leave a house I go out through the window. --Steven Wright

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same. --Mitch Hedberg

Good news from the White House. President Bush last week had his annual physical and he passed. He passed his annual physical. No word yet on the mental. --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I got up the next day and I could only stutter in Spanish (You just might be a republican)

I woke up and I was folding my bed back into a couch and I almost broke both my arms because it wasn’t one of those types of couches. --Steven Wright

I went through a stop sign and the police stopped me. They said why did you go through the sign. I said, hey I don’t believe everything I read. --Steven Wright

I'm gonna get a tattoo over my whole body of me but taller. --Steven Wright

I've been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious. --Steven Wright

I bought an album that teaches you different languages. You put the album on, you put headphones on, and you learn the language while you're sleeping. During the night the record skipped. I got up the next day and I could only stutter in Spanish. --Steven Wright

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”