and Gruber fell from the tower (2026 JH2)

Astronomers discovered an asteroid that barely missed Earth and are calling it 2026 JH2. If it had hit Earth, it would have been called Oh, Sh*t! —Greg Gutfeld

ComicCon, the convention that celebrates comics, science fiction, anime, and gaming, is now coming to Abu Dhabi. The good news is terrorists won't have to blow themselves up to see 72 virgins. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I hope this works because the next idea involves Bruce Willis and an asteroid (I wish her well)

I read in the paper today, they said human beings were probably responsible for the wildfires. There goes my theory that it was freebasing raccoons. --Bill Maher

"British Petroleum is going to try something new. They're going to try what they call a 'top kill.' That's where they shove a fluid that looks a lot like mud down into the well. I hope this works because the next idea involves Bruce Willis and an asteroid." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's true, now hand me another golden sausage (Been there, done that)

"Scientists are saying that a giant asteroid could strike the earth in 2182, and that it could decimate the planet and destroy most forms of life. A spokesman for BP said, 'Been there, done that.'" –Craig Ferguson

"I'm not a political expert, but I think going after the rich is a good idea in an election year, or any other year for that matter. Because let's face it, rich people are bastards. Even rich people would agree with that. They're like, 'It's true, now hand me another golden sausage.'"  –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Daddy I didn't know hippos could talk (the difference between master and beginner)

Elon Musk's four-year-old was mocked by The View over his name, prompting Musk’s child to exclaim, Daddy I didn't know hippos could talk. —Greg Gutfeld

NASA says an asteroids odds to hit the Earth by the year 2032 are up by 2.3%. Meanwhile the odds of Jerry Nadler hitting the toilet bowl are zero, —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In the kid's defense, he did bring enough for everyone (Five or six people is also how Trump describes his kids)

Police in Philadelphia are investigating after a 5-year-old boy walked into his preschool class holding about two dozen vials of crack cocaine. In the kid's defense, he did bring enough for everyone. --Seth Meyers

"60 Minutes" correspondent Morley Safer will formally retire this week after 46 seasons with the show. Safer made his name as a young reporter covering the landmark case of "Asteroid v. Dinosaurs." –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump told the Associated Press yesterday that he had whittled down his list of possible running mates to "five or six people." Five or six people is also how Trump describes his kids. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The opposite of what America does (I don't recall giving you the day off)

"Scientists are saying that a giant asteroid could strike the earth in 2182, and that it could decimate the planet and destroy most forms of life. A spokesman for British Petroleum said, 'Been there, done that.'" –Craig Ferguson

"A candidate for governor in Arkansas has revealed he used to be a male stripper. The stripper-turned-candidate is encouraging everyone to head to the polls next Tuesday. And also to go out and vote." –Craig Ferguson

"The American government has shut down. Who do you think you are? You work for us. I don't recall giving you the day off." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I hope this works because the next idea involves Bruce Willis and an asteroid (closer to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

"British Petroleum is going to try something new. They're going to try what they call a 'top kill.' That's where they shove a fluid that looks a lot like mud down into the well. I hope this works because the next idea involves Bruce Willis and an asteroid." –Bill Maher

"Good news in the oil situation. BP said they found a way to start breaking up their oil slick. The bad news is it involves a toxic chemical called Corexit 9527A. Apparently this is moving us further from a solution and closer to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently this is moving us further from a solution and closer to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (the next idea involves Bruce Willis and an asteroid)

"Good news in the oil situation. BP said they found a way to start breaking up their oil slick. The bad news is it involves a toxic chemical called Corexit 9527A. Apparently this is moving us further from a solution and closer to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles." –Bill Maher

"Air Force One arrived [in Pakistan] today landing there after dark with the lights off and the window shades drawn. And then Osama bin Laden made a speech and said, 'Bush can run, but he can't hide'. Karl Rove told the president that if his approval ratings dipped any lower they were going to have to arrive home the same way." --Bill Maher

"British Petroleum is going to try something new. They're going to try what they call a 'top kill.' That's where they shove a fluid that looks a lot like mud down into the well. I hope this works because the next idea involves Bruce Willis and an asteroid." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

But how will we pay for that? (At least that’s the explanation coming from United Airlines)

President Trump yesterday issued a statement calling for paid family leave. Which is a little surprising until you remember that he’s already paid two families to leave. –Seth Meyers

A 101-year-old man recently became the oldest person to skydive. At least that’s the explanation coming from United Airlines. –Seth Meyers

"60 Minutes" correspondent Morley Safer will formally retire this week after 46 seasons with the show. Safer made his name as a young reporter covering the landmark case of "Asteroid v. Dinosaurs." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Have you ever tried to open a condom while you’re wearing mittens? (odds of being hit by an asteroid)

But the No. 1 most sexually diseased state is, fortunately, not attached to us. It is Alaska. And the reason they have the most STDs in Alaska is, have you ever tried to open a condom while you’re wearing mittens? –Jimmy Kimmel

There was a primary in Arizona and caucuses in Idaho and Utah. Donald Trump was behind in the polls in Utah — Utah is not particularly friendly territory for Donald Trump because most of the voters there are sober. –Jimmy Kimmel

“Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders canceled rallies on Tuesday because of the coronavirus, but President Trump said he would continue on as normal, which is a first.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Can’t you let us have anything? (reverse Angry Birds)

September 2022

“We are celebrating the success of Nasa’s mission to hit an asteroid with a spacecraft going 15,000mph, in a test of their ability to alter the path of space rocks on potential collision paths with Earth. Some have called the mission, known as Dart (Double Asteroid Redirection Test), the world’s first planetary defense mission, which is exciting news really for everyone other than the Space Force. They’re like ‘can’t you let us have anything?’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“The rocket weighed about 1,000 pounds, which is kinda amazing. Two large pigs weigh 1,000 pounds. Nasa’s plan to avoid the annihilation of humankind is basically a reverse Angry Birds.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“There was a control room celebration after the successful asteroid strike, in which Nasa staff hugged and high-fived. I feel like half the reason you take a job at Nasa is for this control room standing ovation moment. These people fired at and hit an asteroid more than 7 million miles away – they celebrated with a round of the lamest high-fives you’ve ever seen in your life.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Predatory Phase of Human Development (Spatial Hybrid Astronaut Redirection Technique)

September 2022

“There has been an escalation of threats from Vladimir Putin after a series of setbacks in his invasion of Ukraine. Putin vowed that Russia will use ‘all means at its disposal’ to continue the occupation of Ukraine, adding: ‘I am not bluffing.’ OK, the problem with Putin is, even if he was bluffing, it would be impossible to tell. The guy is a former KGB agent and he is addicted to Botox. His expression never changes. It doesn’t matter if he’s losing a war or riding a rollercoaster.” —Seth Meyers

“In a rally over the weekend, Donald Trump referenced Putin’s heated rhetoric, referring to ‘nuclear’ as ‘the N-word’. Now, I have to imagine there was some percentage of that crowd, however large or small, that heard that sentence and thought to themselves, ‘Oh my God, it’s finally happening.’” —Seth Meyers

“There is a significant space event: a NASA spacecraft deliberately hit an asteroid head-on at 15,000mph to see whether space rocks can be deflected away from earth. Now, before you start having panic sex with strangers on the sidewalk, I hope it’s not because of this asteroid. It wasn’t the big civilization ender that Ben Affleck will have to save us from. It wasn’t even headed to earth.” —Stephen Colbert

The mission – the Double Asteroid Redirection Test, or Dart – was to test if NASA could push a potentially dangerous asteroid off a collision course with Earth. Not to be confused with the mission to stop a real asteroid that’s going to destroy the planet, the ‘Spatial Hybrid Astronaut Redirection Technique’, or Shart.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours (Been there, done that)

"Scientists are saying that a giant asteroid could strike the earth in 2182, and that it could decimate the planet and destroy most forms of life. A spokesman for BP said, 'Been there, done that.'" –Craig Ferguson

"The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as 'Boy George.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I hope this works because the next idea involves Bruce Willis and an asteroid (She's the before-picture in a tranquilizer ad)

"British Petroleum is going to try something new. They're going to try what they call a 'top kill.' That's where they shove a fluid that looks a lot like mud down into the well. I hope this works because the next idea involves Bruce Willis and an asteroid." –Bill Maher

"Good news in the oil situation. BP said they found a way to start breaking up their oil slick. The bad news is it involves a toxic chemical called Corexit 9527A. Apparently this is moving us further from a solution and closer to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles." –Bill Maher

"Michele Bachmann said it was a very tough decision, but after a lengthy discussion with her husband, her staff, her constituents, and with the little ballerina that twirls around on the top of her jewelry box, she wanted to spend more time as Carrie's mom. And also, she has a new job lined up. She's the before-picture in a tranquilizer ad." –Bill Maher

"BP was kind of bragging about it today. Oh yeah, they put a top hat on it, and it was collecting about 6% of the oil. Yes, they found a solution that stops as much oil as the margin of error. It lets 94% of the oil through. It was built by the same people who built the Mexican border fence." –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I hope this works because the next idea involves Bruce Willis and an asteroid (closer to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

"Good news in the oil situation. BP said they found a way to start breaking up their oil slick. The bad news is it involves a toxic chemical called Corexit 9527A. Apparently this is moving us further from a solution and closer to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney had some bad publicity about that incident when he was a teenager and he and his gang chased down a gay kid and pinned him to the ground and cut his hair against his will. Well, it turned out that affected the polls. This week, Romney lost support from people who dislike bullies, jerks, and prep school a**holes. And he picked up the endorsement of George W. Bush." –Bill Maher

"British Petroleum is going to try something new. They're going to try what they call a 'top kill.' That's where they shove a fluid that looks a lot like mud down into the well. I hope this works because the next idea involves Bruce Willis and an asteroid." –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I gave birth to a water cooler, Richard! (he only hid it medium well)

Donald Trump told the Associated Press yesterday that he had whittled down his list of possible running mates to "five or six people." Five or six people is also how Trump describes his kids. –Seth Meyers

A woman in Texas broke a hospital record recently after delivering a nearly 15-pound baby. So good luck to her husband on ever complaining about anything again. "Oh, you have a headache? I gave birth to a water cooler, Richard!" --Seth Meyers

"60 Minutes" correspondent Morley Safer will formally retire this week after 46 seasons with the show. Safer made his name as a young reporter covering the landmark case of "Asteroid v. Dinosaurs." –Seth Meyers

Police in Ohio recently arrested a man for allegedly stealing meat from a supermarket after catching him with steak in his pants. The steak was visible, because he only hid it medium well. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Life begins at erection (tickling distance)

November 2021

“The good news is that the pandemic is getting better. The bad news? Your ass is going home for the holidays. Unfortunately for those of us who loved having an all-pie Thanksgiving alone, this year, we might be able to enjoy a relatively normal Turkey Day. In terms of Covid, things are safer than they were last year, though health experts are still urging some precautions, such as knowing the vaccination status of guests and ventilating the space. You should also take further precautions if any of your guests are immunocompromised or if they’re young children who haven’t received the vaccine. For example, since children under five aren’t yet able to get vaccinated, you might want to leave them in the car with the window open a crack. And before someone complains – yes, I know, you also need to leave them an iPad. Jesus Christ, I’m not a monster! For the rest of you non-bleach drinkers who believed in science and have been vaxxed all along, it’s my most sincere regret to wish you a happy semi-back to normal Thanksgiving this year. Suck it up, stay safe, and maybe next year we’ll get lucky and be wiped out by an asteroid.” —Samantha Bee

“In New York City, health officials have been advised to give booster shots to all adults who want them. Any chance we could expand that to adults who don’t want them? Because they’re the problem. Just deputize the Times Square Elmos to jab anyone who comes within tickling distance.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So if you've ever wanted to cut the tag off your mattress, do it now (would an asteroid really make your life any worse?)

October 2013

"The government shutdown – no one knows when the government will be back up and running. So if you've ever wanted to cut the tag off your mattress, do it now." –Jimmy Fallon 

"Several bars in Washington, D.C., are offering discounts on drinks to federal workers affected by the government shutdown. Or as people who AREN'T federal workers put it, 'I'm a federal worker.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Because the government doesn't have any money, NASA had to close a Twitter account that warns the public about asteroids. So if you're someone who constantly checks Twitter to see if an asteroid's coming – would an asteroid really make your life any worse?" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And the other 30 percent blah, blah, blah, punch line (Best I can do is $1.5 Trillion for bankers)

June 2013

"This spying scandal at the White House isn't going away. In fact, it was just announced that President Obama will meet a group of regular Americans to hear their concerns about the White House surveillance program. Or more accurately, to RE-HEAR them." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that 70 percent of Americans admit too 'going through the motions' at their jobs. And the other 30 percent blah, blah, blah, punch line." –Jimmy Fallon 

"NASA is challenging Americans to help them figure out a better way to find threatening asteroids. Americans said, 'What do we get if you pick our idea?' And NASA said, 'To live.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is trying to get Vladimir Putin to scale back Russia's nuclear arsenal. But it's not a good time. Putin just got a divorce. He just lost half his stuff. And his wife gets to use the Kremlin on weekends." –Craig Ferguson

"Germany is mad at the United States for the NSA eavesdropping. This, ladies and gentlemen, from the country that gave us the Gestapo." –David Letterman

"President Obama is in Berlin, Germany. It was 97 degrees in Berlin today. I haven't seen Obama sweat like that since, well, yesterday. And the day before that. All this week, in fact." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Some of my best friends' gardeners are middle class (and he was briefly married to Liza Minnelli)

May 2012

"Scientists at NASA say the asteroids are dangerously aligned with the earth's orbit and are large enough to enter our atmosphere without breaking apart. But they also say we shouldn't panic. You know, if you didn't want us to panic, maybe you shouldn't have put out a press release saying there were 4,700 asteroids hurtling toward the earth." –Jimmy Kimmel

"During a speech in Ohio, Joe Biden criticized Republicans for not understanding the middle class. In response, Mitt Romney was like, 'That's ridiculous. Some of my best friends' gardeners are middle class." –Jimmy Fallon

"Newsweek magazine has President Obama on the cover this week, calling him the first gay president. Actually, that's not true. Historians say that James Buchanan was probably our first gay president. He was a bachelor, he lived for 15 years with an Alabama senator, and he was briefly married to Liza Minnelli." –Jay Leno

"JPMorgan lost $3 billion in their first quarter and today they lost yet another $1 billion. Turns out they bet on the Lakers. I don't know what JPMorgan is doing. They announced today they are moving their entire headquarters to Greece." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”