Trust me. You know how to dance! (a six-hour safety briefing)

After causing a huge controversy, United Airlines now says it will allow any paying passenger to wear leggings. So good news, my dad can fly out for Easter after all. –Conan O’Brien

The other day at LAX, a flight attendant was caught smuggling cocaine. People became suspicious when she gave passengers a six-hour safety briefing. –Conan O’Brien

Portland is planning to offer homeless people a free bus ticket out of town. Of course, the problem in Portland is figuring out who’s homeless and who’s just in a band. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Can you call in horny? (Do you feel what I feel?)

"I love this story. I saw it in the paper today. Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer will explore whether he has an addiction to sex. Oh, shut up. Is sex really an addiction? Is it a disease? Do you think it's a disease? Huh? I mean, I've heard people call into work sick. Can you call in horny?" --Jay Leno

"A group of TSA workers at LAX airport have formed a choir to sing to passengers. That's just what you want, a guy with his hands down your pants going, 'Do you feel what I feel?'" –Jay Leno

"John McCain and Sarah Palin attended a campaign rally in Vienna, Ohio, today. They were in Vienna. Apparently, they went to Vienna so Sarah Palin could get some foreign policy experience." --Jay Leno

 

"Doctors in Israel are now slowly drawing Prime Minister Ariel Sharon out of his coma to see what his remaining brain function is. Political experts say it is unlikely someone could run a country with a severe loss of brain activity. I beg to differ." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Did the instructions mention anything about a death ray? (favorite funny quotes)

“This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. The heart is working so well that Cheney has already gone to Whoville and returned all their Christmas presents.” –Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump says that if he is president, he will punish women who have abortions, although he doesn’t yet know what that punishment would be. You know, aside from Donald Trump being the president. –Conan O’Brien

The other day at LAX, a flight attendant was caught smuggling cocaine. People became suspicious when she gave passengers a six-hour safety briefing. –Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday, Mitt Romney told what he thought was a humorous story about how his father closed down a Michigan factory. Then Romney went on to quote some of his favorite funny quotes from the movie ‘Schindler's List.’” –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you convert to Islam he'll throw in a free prayer rug (Do you feel what I feel?)

"A group of TSA workers at LAX airport have formed a choir to

sing to passengers. That's just what you want, a guy with his

hands down your pants going, 'Do you feel what I feel?'"

–Jay Leno

"Senator Larry Craig gave a press conference today where he said, I'm not gay, I've never been that way. Then he apologized to his wife, Liza Minnelli." --Jay Leno

"President Bush introduced former Fox broadcaster Tony Snow as the new White House Press Secretary. See, this is the perfect example of wasteful government spending. I mean, why is the president paying someone to join his staff and tow the party line when he was doing it on Fox News for free?" --Jay Leno

 

"In political news, Vice President Dick Cheney is very upset about the way General Petraeus has been treated by the Democrats. Vice President Cheney said it is horrible that people mock and insult a soldier. I'll be sure to pass that on to John Kerry when I see him." --Jay Leno

"In this new video, Osama bin Laden makes a pitch to America by attacking the Democrats. And then he says we should all convert to Islam 'cause there are no taxes. He's now running third in Iowa. Is it me or is bin Laden getting more Western in these videos? Like in this new one where he wants us to convert to Islam, he says if you act now, he'll throw in a free prayer rug." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I thought that was Higgins from Magnum P.I. (I’m not in the TSA)

So Donald Trump endorsed L.L. Bean on Twitter — because if anybody

represents the rugged great outdoors, it’s a spray-tanned germaphobe

who goes to the bathroom on a gold toilet. –Conan O’Brien

"Now, some people are really upset because President Obama has decided

to redecorate the Oval Office, and he got rid of former President Bush's bust

of Winston Churchill. When he heard about it, Bush was furious and said,

'Winston Churchill? I thought that was Higgins from 'Magnum P.I.'"

–Conan O'Brien

Ben Affleck was patted down by TSA security at Los Angeles International

Airport this week. Though when it was over, the woman whispered, “I’m

not in the TSA.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

Cheney said it was just an accident (Do you feel what I feel?)

"A group of TSA workers at LAX airport have formed a choir to sing to passengers. That's just what you want, a guy with his hands down your pants going, 'Do you feel what I feel?'" –Jay Leno

"On a flight from Cuba to Canada, a man threatened to shoot flight attendants after they stopped serving him drinks. He has been charged with making death threats and if convicted, he could lose his pilot's license." –Jay Leno

"The Chinese president, President Hu, visited the White House. He received a 21-gun salute although Cheney said it was just an accident." --Jay Leno

"The latest in Iraq: the government has ceased to function. It's kind of like the Bush White House, but with more oil." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

when Trump cancels a meeting to watch TV, you know what that means (Whose fears are unfounded?)

President Trump today postponed his planned meeting with Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, so as not to conflict with the Senate hearing on the sexual assault allegations against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. And when Trump cancels a meeting to watch TV, you know what that means — it's a weekday. --Seth Meyers

Los Angeles International Airport has updated its policy to allow travelers to pack marijuana when flying. And every person who was happy to hear that missed their flight. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the Way Too Good for Ken Collection (International Women’s Day!)

Today is International Women’s Day! Trump is thinking of making it a national holiday. Not because he supports women, but because he wants another day off. --Jimmy Fallon

In honor of International Women’s Day, Mattel is releasing a set of Barbies based on history-making women, like Amelia Earhart and Olympic gold medalist Chloe Kim. It’s called the Way Too Good for Ken Collection. --Jimmy Fallon

President Trump is flying to California next week for the first time since he took office. When asked if he’ll visit LAX he said, “I’ll visit my L.A. ex, my San Diego ex, my San Francisco ex. I have lots of exes all over the West Coast.” --Jimmy Fallon

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

all of his questions were about what it's like to live in Michael Jackson's zoo

"The Turkish Parliament has voted to approve the idea of invading Iraq.  President Bush was furious. He said, 'What kind of country takes a vote before it invades Iraq?'" --Bill Maher

"George W. Bush met the Dalai Lama this week. I'm not sure that he really understands what being a Lama means, because all of his questions were about what it's like to live in Michael Jackson's zoo." --Bill Maher

"Good news for the terrorists: Undercover agents posing as passengers were able to get simulated bombs through the screening process here at LAX 75% of the time but not one drop of shampoo." --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #repealreplacerepublicans #Bernie2020 #FeeltheBern @BrandNew535 @justicedems 

just couldn't take any more of the pro-Bush stories (Home of Cindy Sheehan)

"I don't want to say President Bush's approval rating is dropping, but I understand there's a sign outside of Crawford, Texas, that now says, 'Home of Cindy Sheehan.'" --Jay Leno

"Anyone been traveling? It's a nightmare. We still have those travel advisories. If you're traveling, you can't carry deoderant, shaving cream, hair gel, perfume. Have you been to LAX? Everybody looks like Nick Nolte now." --Jay Leno

"There's a hurricane watch for tropical storm Ernesto. Let me tell you something. These hurricanes are getting smart. They know a Hispanic hurricane has a better chance of getting into the country." --Jay Leno

"This is finally a happy story in the Middle East. In the Gaza strip, Palestinian militants released those two Fox News journalists. They were released unharmed. The Palestinians said they just couldn't take any more of the pro-Bush stories." --Jay Leno

Palin thinks that if we have healthy children, the terrorists have won (Do you feel what I feel?)

"A group of TSA workers at LAX airport have formed a choir to sing to passengers. That's just what you want, a guy with his hands down your pants going, 'Do you feel what I feel?'" –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michelle Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn’t tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes she should tell us what to do." –David Letterman



"Sarah Palin is angry that Michelle Obama is suggesting that parents encourage their kids to eat healthy. Palin thinks that if we have healthy children, the terrorists have won." –David Letterman 
   

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JohnHulse #collectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans