The raptures were the scariest part of Jurassic Park (Look for the helpers)

"Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a maid, and now the kid is mad at her for lying to him all these years. She'd told him his father was an actor." –Jay Leno

"A lot of people are very nervous about this whole Rapture thing, though a lot of people didn't understand it. For instance, Sarah Palin said, 'The raptures were the scariest part of 'Jurassic Park.'" –Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger kept this secret for more than 10 years. You know how he did it? He moved the woman and child into an apartment right down the street from the Pakistani military academy." -Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Just ask any of his three wives (emotional support peacocks)

John Kasich over the weekend said lots of women have left their kitchens to work on his campaign. Yeah, that will certainly help the upcoming election of 1956. –James Corden

United Airlines prevented a woman from boarding her flight out of Newark, New Jersey, because she tried to board with an emotional-support pet, which was her peacock. They were all set to let both of them on, but then they caught the peacock with over three and a half ounces of shampoo. It got even more awkward when the woman was like, "That's not a peacock, that's my friend Lady Gaga." But this was a devastating blow to the peacock's confidence, it really was. They had to stop on the way home and get the peacock an emotional support peacock. --James Corden

In the last two days President Trump has fired his head of the Department of Homeland Security and the head of the Secret Service. I guess Trump’s newest plan is to build his wall out of his former staff. --James Corden

A family returning from vacation recently showed up to their flight with a company called Tui Airlines, only to find that their assigned seats did not exist. So they had to spend their entire flight sitting on the floor. Spirit Airlines heard about this and were like, “Wait, we don’t have to give our customers seats? We’re allowed to do this?” The family’s seat assignments were for seats that didn’t exist or as the airline is now calling it, Economy Minus. --James Corden

Trump's explanation for keeping Lewandowski on staff is that he's a loyal person. And Trump IS a loyal person. Just ask any of his three wives. –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And women approve of Obama's policy because finally a man is listening to them (the goodest news they have heard all year)

June 2013

"According to a poll, the majority of Americans are OK with the Obama administration listening in on our phone calls. Guys approve because they feel it increases security. And women approve of Obama's policy because finally a man is listening to them." –Conan O'Brien

"House Speaker John Boehner called NSA's Edward Snowden a traitor. But only because he leaked the name of his tanning bed." –Conan O'Brien

"Marco Rubio announced a new bill that would require immigrants to learn English to become citizens. Many Americans already say it's the goodest news they have heard all year." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I didn’t even think he had genitals (letting everyone touch his chocolates)

“Yes, ladies and gentlemen, corona got to Tom Hanks. And this man’s already been through so much. I mean, think about it. After the war he’s been through and that time his plane crashed, and he already had to deal with his dog dying. I feel bad for him. I mean, at the same time, he shouldn’t have been letting everyone touch his chocolates. That’s probably how he got it.” —Trevor Noah

“But, regardless, he has announced that him and his wife, Rita Wilson, are going to be in isolation. And, luckily, he’s used to being stuck alone with Wilson, so he’ll be fine.” —Trevor Noah

“I can’t believe Tom Hanks is first celebrity to get the virus. I would’ve expected someone ridiculous like Flavor Flav or Charlie Sheen or Sarah Palin. But Tom Hanks? This is insane! This is like finding out Mr. Rogers has chlamydia. You’d be like, ‘I didn’t even think he had genitals.’” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”