the orangutan escaped his enclosure (on a date with Stormy Daniels)

It's not often that a single event sums up an entire presidency, but on Friday, we got one that came pretty close. Remember, Donald Trump brags that he only hires the best people, calls the Russia investigation a hoax, calls CNN fake news, and his government shutdown left FBI agents without pay. So it was especially ironic when one of Trump's closest associates was arrested by unpaid FBI agents working for the special counsel in the Russia investigation, and the whole thing was caught on tape by CNN. The only way that could have been more humiliating for Trump is if Robert Mueller celebrated by eating a Happy Meal at McDonald's, on a date with Stormy Daniels. --Seth Meyers

Officials at a South Carolina zoo say an orangutan briefly escaped his enclosure on Monday, but then returned to his pen. Incidentally “the orangutan escaped his enclosure” is Secret Service code for when Trump shows up at a policy briefing. --Seth Meyers

A new poll has found that 86% of Americans said that it’s important that the president be loyal to their spouse. Said Melania, “No, seriously, I’m good.” --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don't recall giving you the day off (Actually that might be the answer to all of the problems)

October 2013

"The American government has shut down. Who do you think you are? You work for us. I don't recall giving you the day off." –Craig Ferguson

"At least here in America, crucial agencies like the U.S. Border Patrol are still on the job. That's a good thing. The last thing we need is an influx of Canadians, with their politeness and a government that's open every day." –Craig Ferguson

"The shutdown means the national zoo is closed. Who'll feed the animals? Is anyone even there to lock them up at night? Pretty soon starving lions and tigers could charge out of the zoo. They'd devour the fattest, dumbest people on Capitol Hill. Actually that might be the answer to all of the problems." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They will now be wheeled onboard like Hannibal Lecter (OK, Tasers it is)

August 2021

“Guys, I saw that United Airlines has instructed its flight crew not to use duct tape when dealing with unruly passengers. Don’t use it, yeah. Flight attendants heard and were like, ‘OK, Tasers it is.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right, United isn’t allowed to use duct tape, while passengers on Frontier Airlines will now be wheeled onboard like Hannibal Lecter.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, according to the memo, United is against using duct tape unless it’s holding up one of their engines. That’s where they draw the line.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

JOKES: Oh, I see a head, and now the neck — and neck — and neck (the problem is you)

YouTube temporarily pulled a New York zoo’s live stream of a giraffe giving birth, after some complained that it was sexually explicit. I just want to say if you are watching an animal give birth and you think this is way too sexy, the problem is you. –James Corden

A zoo spokesman said that their YouTube cam had been reported as containing nude content. All animals are nude! They’re all nude! Every one of them is nude except for your neighbor’s dog who has to wear those stupid dog outfits that he clearly hates. –James Corden

Who watches a giraffe give birth anyway? What is that like? “Oh, I see a head, and now the neck — and neck — and neck — some more neck. Should we check back on this in an hour?” –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html