Iowa vs Nebraska

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Not GR-R-REAT! (It’s Finger Losin’ Good!)

A drunk woman in Nebraska had to be hospitalized this weekend after she broke into a zoo because she wanted to pet a tiger and wound up being bitten by the animal. When asked how she’s doing, the woman said, “Not GR-R-REAT!” –Seth Meyers

A processing company that supplies chicken to KFC was fined this week after an employee lost two fingertips while on the job. Which explains their new slogan, “It’s Finger Losin’ Good!” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, I guess we’ll have to cancel the whole season and pretend it never happened (Wow. She moved on fast)

Police say a man in Nebraska snuck into a home and slept with a sex doll belonging to a man who recently died. Wow. She moved on fast. —Michael Che

The Tennessee Titans halted in-person workouts after three players tested positive for the coronavirus. Well, I guess we’ll have to cancel the whole season and pretend it never happened said the New York Jets. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If we lose Dave Nugget and Mark Filet-O-Fish, I’m a goner (Pop Secret)

No one is buying the administration’s excuses, not even congressional Republicans such as the Nebraska lawmaker Don Bacon, who said: “I think it’s classified. They’re digging themselves a bigger hole and I would implore the secretary of defense and others, just own it.” Trump cannot be happy about this. [Colbert as Trump]: “OK, we’ve lost Don Bacon, this just got real. If we lose Dave Nugget and Mark Filet-O-Fish, I’m a goner.” —Stephen Colbert

“This scandal won’t be going away any time soon because Mike Waltz has made a key strategic error: being an idiot everywhere, at all times. Wired reported that Waltz kept his Venmo friends list public, including fellow senior staff, journalists, a tailor and doctors. He’s Venmoing his doctor? My man, if your doctor takes Venmo, that ain’t a doctor. Worse, the German newspaper Der Spiegel reported that senior Trump officials’ mobile phone numbers, email addresses and passwords were easily available online, including for Waltz and the secretary of defense, Pete Hegseth. These are our highest-ranking security officials! I don’t think we should trust these people with anything top secret. Hell, I don’t think we should trust these people with anything Pop Secret.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

American Exceptionalism (Not GR-R-REAT!)

The U.S. Air Force announced today their new model of stealth bomber will cost half a billion dollars each. And, even worse, it uses a different charger than the old model. –Seth Meyers

There are just eight days left until the election. So if anyone's still thinking of running, now's the time. –Seth Meyers

A drunk woman in Nebraska had to be hospitalized this weekend after she broke into a zoo because she wanted to pet a tiger and wound up being bitten by the animal. When asked how she’s doing, the woman said, “Not GR-R-REAT!” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Diddy Freak Off, Nebraska (Just Be Cool)

LeBron James and his son Bronny made history when they became the first ever father son duo to play an NBA game together. But there was some confusion when LeBron called a timeout and his son went and stood in the corner. —Colin Jost

According to a new study, South Burlington, Vermont is the safest city in the country, while the least safe city is Diddy Freak Off, Nebraska. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

CollegeFootball25: Notre Dame vs Nebraska (Detroit Bowl)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Wow. She moved on fast (what she's working with under that robe)

Police say a man in Nebraska snuck into a home and slept with a sex doll belonging to a man who recently died. Wow. She moved on fast. —Michael Che

Justice Amy Coney Barrett said that she wouldn't mind seeing a code of conduct instituted for the Supreme Court, while Clarence Thomas said that he wouldn't mind seeing what she's working with under that robe. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Which explains why its first word was “Wazzzzzupppppp!” (Not GR-R-REAT!)

​​A couple in Tennessee recently gave birth to a baby from an embryo that was frozen 24 years ago. Which explains why its first word was “Wazzzzzupppppp!” –Seth Meyers

A drunk woman in Nebraska had to be hospitalized this weekend after she broke into a zoo because she wanted to pet a tiger and wound up being bitten by the animal. When asked how she’s doing, the woman said, “Not GR-R-REAT!” –Seth Meyers

A Canadian pharmacy had to apologize this weekend after accidentally handing out bipolar medication on Halloween instead of candy. The victims say they’re sad that it happened, but happy that it happened. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s how many people Donald Trump lost by (Checking the math)

August 2022

Donald Trump keeps saying that he got more votes by far than any sitting president in the history of our country. I know that sounds good but it doesn’t mean much when you lose by 7,o52,770 votes. Let’s do some math. That is more than the entire population of Ireland, plus the entire population of Nebraska combined. Plus a completely sold out stadium in Ann Arbor, plus everyone who works at a Burger King in America, plus every person that an average American will meet in their entire life, plus every major league baseball player and NBA player, plus a Southwest flight at maximum capacity. And throw in every person to date who’s got Monkey Pox in Indiana and there’s still six people left over. That’s the entire Allman Brothers band. That’s how many people Donald Trump lost by. —Al Franken

Checking the math:

Population of Ireland 4,937,786

Population of Nebraska 1,961,504

Michigan Stadium at capacity 107,601

Burger King employees 34,248

People you’ll meet in lifetime 10,000

MLB players 906

NBA players 450

Southwest plane capacity 189

Indiana Monkeypox cases 80

Allman Brothers Band 6

Total: 7,052,770

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

and if Jerry is working, then you have to share your fries with him (Safe Words)

August 2020

“Trump’s slapdash series of executive orders, which many have criticized as not only unconstitutional in bypassing Congress, are also untenable. The eviction moratorium, for example, merely advises federal agencies to ‘consider’ whether evictions are necessary. Even Ben Sasse, Republican senator from Nebraska, called Trump’s orders ‘unconstitutional slop’. Damn, unconstitutional slop? I thought that’s what they called the in-flight meals on Spirit Airlines. But you’ve got to give it to Trump, man – he knows that Congress is so gridlocked, they can make even him look good.” —Trevor Noah

“It doesn’t matter if his executive orders are illegal or toothless or completely unworkable. He understands that even the appearance of doing something is better than the appearance of going on recess in the middle of a recession. Which is what Congress is doing for the month of August, although Congress will tell you that they aren’t on recess. Apparently they’re just ‘at home’, but they’ll come back if there’s a deal, which there won’t be, because they’re not working. By and large, between process and proposals, Trump has just created a mess. Freezing the payroll tax, for example, would either hit people with a larger tax bill later or drain social security, which gets its funding from payroll taxes. Trump’s executive orders, are thus like those coupons that you get where it says the good news in big letters: ‘free value meal!’ And then on the bottom it says ‘offer only valid in Alaska between two and four in the morning and if Jerry is working, then you have to share your fries with him.’” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even worse, he’s going to make New Mexico pay for it (naval bases in Idaho)

“That’s right, a border wall in Colorado. Once they’re done with that, they’re building a naval base in Idaho.” --Stephen Colbert

“Then Trump announced our Coast Guard would be patrolling the ports of Nebraska, so that’s good.” --Jimmy Fallon

“Even worse, he’s going to make New Mexico pay for it.” --James Corden

“Now as a fellow comedian, I get what he’s doing here. Before you tell a joke, it’s very important to kick off the joke by saying ‘kiddingly.’” --Stephen Colbert

“Meanwhile, today at the White House, Trump participated in a ceremony in honor of the Hindu holiday Diwali. Things got off to a rough start when Trump told everyone, ‘We’re going to build Diwali in Colorado.’” --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I Can’t Believe It’s Nebraska Sushi (Take that Microsoft you broke ass bitches)

Moving on to some big financial news, Amazon has surpassed Microsoft to become the most valuable company on the planet. It’s now worth nearly $810 Billion. Take that Microsoft you broke ass bitches. Meanwhile the least valuable company on the planet continues to be the makers of “I Can’t Believe It’s Nebraska Sushi.” --James Corden

And finally, a bride and groom who are both mathematicians, came up with an unusual seating arrangement for their wedding guests. Well, everyone had to solve a math equation to find their seat. I did the math of how many people enjoyed that wedding. It was Zero. --James Corden

Frontier Airlines is now asking you to tip their flight attendants. Not to be outdone, Spirit Airlines wants you to kick in for gas money. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Republicans say it is not over until each and every vote has been suppressed (American voters can be pretty progressive)

A lot of voters passed amazing ballot initiatives. Idaho, Nebraska and Utah passed Medicaid expansion. Michigan, Colorado and Missouri passed redistricting reform to prevent gerrymandering. Arkansas and Missouri passed minimum wage increases. Turns out American voters can be pretty progressive when they get to bypass their politicians. --Samantha Bee

First the downside with the big election over is that the lawn signs go away and then you can't tell which one of your neighbors is an asshole. --Bill Maher

But some some races are still undecided and Republicans say it is not over until each and every vote has been suppressed. --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Ohio is a beautiful country, too. I love the language. I hope to learn it someday (The Power of the People)

But Trump's been busy this morning. He published a "USA Today" op-ed about healthcare. A lot of people are saying it had several factual errors. Turns out a pharmacist isn't someone who works on a farm. And shingles isn't a tube of potato chips. That's not -- He got that wrong. --Jimmy Fallon

And last night, I saw Trump spoke at a big rally in Iowa, and he said that he's kept his promises to states like Iowa and Nebraska, but I'm not sure he knows that they're states. Listen to this. Today, I kept another major promise, as I said, to the people of Iowa and Nebraska and other countries. Ohio is a beautiful country, too. I love the language. I hope to learn it someday. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The bad news? They only have eight gallons (When do I get to meet Dow Jones?)

"Congress began hearings this week on the government response to Katrina. See, I'm confused. Was there a government response to Katrina?" --Jay Leno

"In Omaha, Nebraska, they are opening what they call 'America's first terror-free gas station.' The good news? They will only sell petroleum products from countries that like us. The bad news? They only have eight gallons." --Jay Leno

Earlier today on Wall Street, President Bush visited the New York Stock Exchange. There was an awkward moment when President Bush asked, 'When do I get to meet Dow Jones?'" --Conan O'Brien

"California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is considering a bill that would ban the sell of incandescent light bulbs. Arnold isn't worried about saving energy, he's just tired of trying to say 'incandescent.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Bush says he doesn't care what a bunch of Canadians think (mister, do you want fries with this?)

"Thirty towns in Vermont have voted to impeach President Bush, but Bush says he doesn't care what a bunch of Canadians think." --Jay Leno

"In a speech in South Carolina, presidential candidate Joe Biden says he has a plan for Iraq, he can solve the problem and it's time to make a change. And then the kid at the counter said, 'Uh mister, do you want fries with this?'" --Jay Leno

"Nebraska Senator Chuck Hagel -- he's a Republican -- called a press conference to announce he'll be making a decision about running for president sometime later in the year. So, he called a press conference to say maybe later in the year he's going to say something important. This is the kind of bold, decisive leadership this country needs." --Jay Leno

"People are saying Scooter Libby is taking the fall for Cheney. Personally, I think Libby got off easy -- usually when you take one for Cheney, it's a shot in the face" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

he is a child and she didn't leave him behind (Nothing gets past this guy!)

"A sixth grade woman teacher from Nebraska is on the run with her 13-year-old boyfriend. I know that sounds bad, but consider this, he is a child and she didn't leave him behind." --Bill Maher

"Here's the kind of thing that makes this country great. A guy in Tennessee was in a food eating competition. He wins the competition. He ate 103 hamburgers in eight minutes. But you think about it, this has been a hell of a year for Al Gore. One thing after another." --David Letterman

     

"I was watching the news on television earlier, and George Bush says the economy is in danger. Nothing gets past this guy! Wow! Like a steel trap." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #repealreplacerepublicans #Bernie2020 #FeeltheBern @BrandNew535 @justicedems 

JOKES: Guys, it’s all of the above (Glass 37% full)

It’s the first day of spring. Spring has sprung, so congratulations to the people of Nebraska, who survived winter. Now all you’ve got to do is get through severe thunderstorm and tornado season. –James Corden

One place where things aren’t getting warmer is at the White House, where on Friday Donald Trump met with German Chancellor Angela Merkel and appeared to ignore requests for a handshake with her. They don’t look like two world leaders. They look two people at a divorce hearing. –James Corden

Some critics are calling this sexist, other people are saying it is because Trump is a germaphobe, others say he is just rude. I’m like: Guys, it’s all of the above. –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

as many gay guys as possible (I like lemons)

"Yesterday President Bush went to Nebraska and gave a big speech about immigration. Of course, to people in Nebraska immigration means moving to Iowa." --Conan O'Brien

"Next week, 88 year-old Senator Robert Byrd will become the longest serving U.S. Senator in American history. When asked if he was still capable of conducting the business of state, the 88 year-old said, 'I like lemons.'" --Conan O'Brien

"As expected, the Senate did not pass a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. President Bush was behind this thing. The president opposes gay marriage, but not because he wants to deny people who are in love the opportunity to get married like everyone else because he just wants to make sure that gay guys are allowed to have sex with as many gay guys as possible." --Jimmy Kimmel