She made a wish, and then deleted the candles (Straight A’s Academy!)

Hundreds of Harvard students staged a walkout this week in solidarity with university dining hall workers who are on strike. Said Harvard students, “You can’t take advantage of them just ’cause they went to Yale!” –Seth Meyers

Microsoft announced a free update to Windows today that allows users to take photos and edit them in 3D. Critics are calling it “the most exciting thing you’ll ever explain to your grandma.” –Seth Meyers

Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 69 today. She made a wish, and then deleted the candles. –Seth Meyers

A school in California is testing a new program that forgoes traditional teachers and has students teach and grade each other’s classwork. So good luck to the students at “Straight A’s Academy!” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He isn't tall enough to go on any of the rides (And that was just from Chad in Portland)

"President Obama answered questions on YouTube today. He was asked 7,500 times about legalizing marijuana. And that was just from Chad in Portland." –Conan O'Brien 

"Congress is proposing a bill that would give President Obama a kill switch that he could use to freeze all activity on the Internet if there were a national emergency. The kill switch goes by the top-secret name Microsoft Windows." –Conan O'Brien

"A storm hit the East Coast yesterday leaving 300,000 people in the Washington, D.C., area without power. The 300,000 people without power in Washington are called Democrats." –Conan O'Brien

"North Korea has opened an amusement park comparable to Disneyland. I'm not sure how long it's going to last because Kim Jong Il isn't tall enough to go on any of the rides." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I Can’t Believe It’s Nebraska Sushi (Take that Microsoft you broke ass bitches)

Moving on to some big financial news, Amazon has surpassed Microsoft to become the most valuable company on the planet. It’s now worth nearly $810 Billion. Take that Microsoft you broke ass bitches. Meanwhile the least valuable company on the planet continues to be the makers of “I Can’t Believe It’s Nebraska Sushi.” --James Corden

And finally, a bride and groom who are both mathematicians, came up with an unusual seating arrangement for their wedding guests. Well, everyone had to solve a math equation to find their seat. I did the math of how many people enjoyed that wedding. It was Zero. --James Corden

Frontier Airlines is now asking you to tip their flight attendants. Not to be outdone, Spirit Airlines wants you to kick in for gas money. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

losing a sock at the laundromat (shoving menus under everyone’s door)

It's a big week here in the United States. Chinese President Jiang Zemin is visiting. It's a historic trip, and today as a matter of fact he's down there in Washington. President Jiang has got a very hectic schedule. He's meeting with President Clinton, he's addressing Congress, he's going on a tour of the Pentagon and he's shoving menus under everyone’s door. --David Letterman 10/29/1997

There was a big stock market crash on Monday. It was reported that Bill Gates, the the president of Microsoft, the man who invented toner for the copy machines. Well anyway this guy is like a multi billionaire. This guy, because of the stock market tumble on Monday he lost over a billion dollars in one day. Let me put this in perspective for you. Bill Gates losing over a billion dollars, to you and me that's the equivalent of us losing a sock at the laundromat. It’s about the same. --David Letterman 10/29/1997

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Thank you, but the economy's better over here, so we're going to stay (the staff will freeze when you ask them a question)

"Welcome to the first episode of 'Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.' I have been getting so much encouragement. In fact, just before I went on, Rush Limbaugh called me up and said he wants me to fail." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama announced that he plans to bring the troops home from Iraq in 18 months. But the troops actually responded and said, 'Thank you, but the economy's better over here, so we're going to stay.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Despite the recession, Microsoft is planning to open stores to compete with Apple. Microsoft says that they'll be just like the Apple stores, except the staff will freeze when you ask them a question." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Which explains why today, Mexico announced plans to take back California (then he remembered it was his birthday)

Microsoft is working on technology that removes the need for cashiers and checkout lines. This cutting-edge technology is known as "shoplifting." --Conan O’Brien

President Trump said Russia should not be punished for seizing parts of Ukraine because they speak Russian there. Which explains why today, Mexico announced plans to take back California. --Conan O’Brien

Today is President Trump's 72nd birthday. Trump spent a quiet evening with loved ones, then Melania stopped by. --Conan O’Brien

It's President Trump's birthday. Trump had some cake, ate some ice cream, played golf, and then he remembered it was his birthday. --Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Obama was reportedly angry about the claim, but didn’t say exactly why (Just make sure not to get any mist in your eyes or lungs)

"While she was addressing the crowd, Sarah Palin spent a lot of time criticizing Barack Obama's campaign speeches for not having enough specifics. Obama was reportedly angry about the claim, but didn’t say exactly why." --Conan O'Brien

Olympics start tomorrow in Beijing. People still concerned about the air quality. Earlier this week this is a true story a member of the International Olympic Committee said that the smog in Beijing isn’t pollution; its mist. Then, he said, 'Just make sure not to get any mist in your eyes or lungs.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

you don’t want either, but you’d definitely take one over the other (weasels)

President Trump yesterday accused former President Obama and the FBI of placing a mole inside his 2016 campaign when they knew full well that campaign was supposed to be weasels only. --Seth Meyers

A video has surfaced of Microsoft founder Bill Gates telling staffers that President Trump asked him to clarify the difference between HIV and HPV on two occasions. Gates was like, “It’s like Don Jr. and Eric — you don’t want either, but you’d definitely take one over the other.” --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It’s kind of like Beyoncé and Rihanna (Straight A’s Academy!)

In an interview last night with MSNBC, Donald Trump’s running mate Mike Pence accidentally referred to Trump as his opponent. Which is ridiculous — everyone knows Trump is his own opponent. –Seth Meyers

Trump supporter Newt Gingrich last night accused Fox News’ Megyn Kelly of being “fascinated with sex” by continuing to report on women accusing Donald Trump of inappropriate behavior. Newt, there’s a difference between being “fascinated by sex” and being “horrified by sexual assault.” It’s kind of like Beyoncé and Rihanna — everyone knows the difference except old white men. –Seth Meyers

Microsoft announced a free update to Windows today that allows users to take photos and edit them in 3D. Critics are calling it “the most exciting thing you’ll ever explain to your grandma.” –Seth Meyers

A school in California is testing a new program that forgoes traditional teachers and has students teach and grade each other’s classwork. So good luck to the students at “Straight A’s Academy!” –Seth Meyers

they had missiles that could reach Graceland (Boy, that Saddam is sneaky)

"We finally found some weapons of mass destruction. The bad news? They're in North Korea. Boy, that Saddam is sneaky." --Jay Leno

"The Japanese Prime Minister joined the United States in condemning North Korea's missile policy. The Japanese Prime Minister was really upset when he found out they had missiles that could reach Graceland." --Jay Leno

"They said these North Korean missiles had enough range to hit Seattle, but residents in Seattle were not worried. Today Bill Gates said Microsoft has enough missiles to destroy North Korea ten times over." --Jay Leno

"Just about now Ken Lay should be arriving in hell." --David Letterman