It's time to take bold action! (turns out he doesn’t have one)

The National Enquirer paid $30,000 for a story about President Trump having a love child but then buried the story. The Enquirer said, "We did it to protect the child from finding out his father is Donald Trump." --Conan O’Brien

It’s come out that the National Enquirer paid President Trump’s doorman $30,000 so they could kill a story about Trump. Isn’t that shocking? A Trump employee got paid. --Conan O’Brien

One of the world's top Donkey Kong players has been stripped of his records for cheating. He was going to be sentenced to life, but turns out he doesn’t have one. --Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

So starting in June, you’re not an alcoholic — you’re a patriot.

Budweiser announced that this summer they will rename their beer "America." So starting in June, you’re not an alcoholic — you’re a patriot. –Conan O’Brien

NASA scientists have discovered over 1,200 planets that are possibly habitable — where humans could live. In other words, if Donald Trump does become president, Canada’s not your only option. –Conan O’Brien

Over the weekend, a man broke the world record for "Donkey Kong," making it through the entire game using up just one life. That’s right — his own. –Conan O’Brien