Forget the oil spill, can someone put a cap on this guy (Why we have a federal deficit)

"According to the National Enquirer, Bristol Palin has called off her engagement with Levi Johnston after finding out that he also got his ex-girlfriend Lanesia Garcia pregnant. Forget the oil spill, can someone put a cap on this guy." –Jay Leno

"Happy birthday to President Obama. If you want to get him a present, he's registered at Bed, Bath, and Blame Bush. They got him a huge cake. He didn't blow out the candles, he just taxed them until they gave up and went out on their own." –Jay Leno

"A California judge has overruled California's ban on gay marriage. Finally gay men can marry someone other than Liza Minelli. Wedding planners can now plan their own weddings." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

fabulously mystical creatures who live in a world of rainbows (fiscal conservatives)

"Tonight's Word. 'Single Serving'. You see it everywhere folks. Nowadays there are pizzas made for one, vacations packages for one. What's next? [on screen: Bicycles Built For One?]. You know what, no more, we're at war here singles, pick a side, you can be married or you can be gay. [on screen: Both, If Married to Liza Minelli]. And folks, by married, I mean the way God originally intended. [on screen: To A Woman Made From Your Rib?]. Listen up, two by two, paired off, male to female, to ensure the survival of the species, just like Noah's Ark. [on screen: Will Come In Handy When Glaciers Melt]. In this analogy gays are the unicorns, fabulously mystical creatures who live in a world of rainbows." --Stephen Colbert

"Miami's Hispanic population took to the streets last night to celebrate Fidel Castro temporarily stepping down from power. Way to go America! Our plan to slowly deteriorate his health over the course of 50 years is working." --Stephen Colbert