NHL: Indiana Revolution vs Los Angeles Kings

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

"Well, it could have been worse," said Johnny Depp (surprise missile attack)

After the surprise missile attack Tuesday night, President Trump said, "We are going to beat the effing crap out of Iran." He plans on accomplishing this by dropping Taco Bell lettuce. —Greg Gutfeld 

Gavin Newsom's ex-mistress admits that she wet the bed on their first night together. "Well, it could have been worse," said Johnny Depp. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When one of us is under attack, we're all under attack (What do I have to do?)

This is really weird, in Germany a woman who recently won a beauty pageant just admitted she used to be a man. Which explains why her talent for the pageant was hiding her testicles. --Conan O’Brien 7/13/2005

For the second year in a row, Johnny Depp has been named Forbes magazine’s Most Overpaid Actor. After hearing this, Nicolas Cage said, “What do I have to do?” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now multiply that occurence by 1.8 million (is like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves)

An Oklahoma woman was arrested for attempting to have her kids blow into her car's breathalyzer so that she could drive drunk. Even worse, her kids failed. –Seth Meyers

"The NRA is accusing a Texas gun rights group of going too far after the group posted YouTube videos of their members walking into restaurants with semi-automatic rifles. The NRA saying you've gone too far is like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Who wants to smell my finger? (Hell, the kid who walks on my back makes twice that)

Privacy experts warned that app connected vibrators may be collecting your personal data. I guess that explains why that butt plug tried to sell me boner pills. It's all about the algorithm. —Greg Gutfeld

According to a new survey, the average child's allowance is $52 per month. That's not even $2 a day. Hell, the kid who walks on my back makes twice that. —Greg Gutfeld

President Donald Trump has now added plaques under ex-president's pictures in the White House presidential walk of fame. Under Joe Biden, he put worst president in history, which is rough. But worse, under Bill Clinton, he wrote, "Who wants to smell my finger?” —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves (oppressed)

An Oklahoma woman was arrested for attempting to have her kids blow into her car's breathalyzer so that she could drive drunk. Even worse, her kids failed. –Seth Meyers

"The NRA is accusing a Texas gun rights group of going too far after the group posted YouTube videos of their members walking into restaurants with semi-automatic rifles. The NRA saying you've gone too far is like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Amazingly none of them could make bail (sparkling personality bulls**t)

A border patrol traffic stop in Texas led to the discovery of 13 illegal aliens concealed inside a truck carrying hay. Amazingly none of them could make bail. —Greg Gutfeld

According to the New York Times Bill Belichick used to make his girlfriend Jordan Hudson wear red pants so he could spot her in the crowd. No wonder he kept trying to have sex with Travis Kelce. —Greg Gutfeld

Johnny Depp's ex Amber Herd announced that she gave birth to twins. That's something you never hear about. Amber Herd dropping a deuce. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

NHL: Colorado Avalanche vs Los Angeles Kings

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

NHL: Colorado Avalanche vs San Jose Sharks

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

it's like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves (Wonder Man made $121 million for doing the same job)

"The NRA is accusing a Texas gun rights group of going too far after the group posted YouTube videos of their members walking into restaurants with semi-automatic rifles. The NRA saying you've gone too far is like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves." –Seth Meyers

“Wonder Woman” made $100 million at the box office this weekend. Meanwhile, Wonder Man made $121 million for doing the same job. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump admitted he made the choice on an empty stomach (What do I have to do?)

For his secretary of labor, President-elect Trump has picked an executive from the fast food restaurants Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s. Afterwards, Trump admitted he made the choice on an empty stomach. –Conan O’Brien

Everyone’s OK, but this morning, a 6.5-magnitude earthquake hit California’s prime marijuana-growing county. Authorities swept the area, urging residents to remain even calmer. –Conan O’Brien

For the second year in a row, Johnny Depp has been named Forbes magazine’s Most Overpaid Actor. After hearing this, Nicolas Cage said, “What do I have to do?” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The thief apparently made off with the man's entire argument (And by the looks of him, I’m guessing that shower never happened)

"This weekend a man in Oregon who is an advocate for the open carry of firearms was robbed at gunpoint. The thief apparently made off with the man's entire argument." –Seth Meyers

The New Yorker today released audio of fired Hollywood movie producer Harvey Weinstein begging a model to come into his hotel room and watch him shower. And by the looks of him, I’m guessing that shower never happened. –Seth Meyers

Despite claiming last week that he would have rushed the Oregon shooter to save lives, Dr. Ben Carson yesterday recounted how he was once held up at gunpoint in a Popeye’s Chicken and told the gunman, “I believe you want the guy behind the counter.” So we know at least one guy who’s DEFINITELY not voting for Ben Carson. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The NRA saying you've gone too far is like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves (Drop Acid Not Bombs!)

Education Secretary Betsy DeVos said that while schools receiving federal funds must abide by federal civil rights laws, the department will not enter decrees on things like LGBTQ discrimination. Coincidentally, LGBTQ is also how Betsy DeVos thinks you spell discrimination. –Seth Meyers

An Oklahoma woman was arrested for attempting to have her kids blow into her car's breathalyzer so that she could drive drunk. Even worse, her kids failed. –Seth Meyers

"The NRA is accusing a Texas gun rights group of going too far after the group posted YouTube videos of their members walking into restaurants with semi-automatic rifles. The NRA saying you've gone too far is like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump admitted he made the choice on an empty stomach (What's the only job worse than disposing of nuclear waste?)

For his secretary of labor, President-elect Donald Trump has picked an executive from the fast food restaurants Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s. Afterwards, Trump admitted he made the choice on an empty stomach. –Conan O’Brien

For the second year in a row, Johnny Depp has been named Forbes magazine’s Most Overpaid Actor. After hearing this, Nicolas Cage said, “What do I have to do?” –Conan O’Brien

According to MSNBC Britney Spears recently hired a person to keep an eye on Kevin Federline 24 hours a day. Which answers the question: what's the only job worse than disposing of nuclear waste. --Conan O’Brien 5/4/2006

The World Series starts this week. In an interview New York mayor Rudy Giuliani picked the Yankees in 7. And George W. Bush picked the Mets in 8. --Conan O’Brien 10/19/2000

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The floor recognizes the representative from Margaritaville! (This is bat country)

"Today is Vladimir Putin's 62nd birthday. He celebrated the way he always does: having someone try his cake before him." –Jimmy Fallon

After meeting with Democratic leaders, it seems like Donald Trump changed his mind on DACA. Democrats were like, “Yeah, we told him it stood for Doughnuts Across America.” –Jimmy Fallon

Chris Christie recently ordered the leader of the New Jersey National Guard to lose weight within the next 90 days. And if he doesn't, Christie will eat him. –Jimmy Fallon

"There are reports that several members of Congress were actually drinking last night while they were debating the bill that could have avoided the government shutdown. Which explains that one part where they said, 'The floor recognizes the representative from Margaritaville!'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's an old trick he learned from having a wife and a mistress (It takes a lot of education to make us this stupid)

June 2014

"The NRA is accusing a Texas gun rights group of going too far after the group has posted YouTube videos of their members walking into restaurants with semi-automatic rifles. The NRA saying you've gone too far is like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves." –Seth Meyers

"Yesterday French President Francois Hollande announced that he will be having two consecutive dinners on Thursday night in order to keep President Obama and Vladimir Putin separate. It's an old trick he learned from having a wife and a mistress." –Seth Meyers 

"Pope Francis said that married people should have more kids. When asked for comment, married people said the Pope should have a kid and then get back to us." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s how I got two of my three wives to say yes (Please do not lump us in with those maniacs)

Donald Trump appears to be softening some of his anti-immigration views lately. So it sounds to me like someone’s shopping for a new wife. –Conan O’Brien

In a speech yesterday, Donald Trump spoke in favor of waterboarding. Trump said, "It’s how I got two of my three wives to say yes." –Conan O’Brien

 Today, Democrats said the committee investigating Hillary Clinton’s involvement with Benghazi was a "witch hunt." Hillary tried to respond, but just then a house fell on her. –Conan O’Brien

"A man is filing a lawsuit against Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, claiming they have ties to al-Qaida. When al-Qaida heard this, they said, 'Please do not lump us in with those maniacs.'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

it would be Captain Pumpkin in the White House with the remote (If you’re going to commit treason, don’t bring a film crew)

June 2022

The hearings on the events of January 6th have begun. If this were a game of Clue, it would be Captain Pumpkin in the White House with the remote. —Bill Maher

There was a lot of new footage provided by a documentary filmmaker who was embedded with the Proud Boys. A little not to the Proud Boys. If you’re going to commit treason, don’t bring a film crew. —Bill Maher

Everybody at this time was telling Trump that he had lost the election. They have texts from Sean Hannity saying to Trump, ‘No more stolen election talk.’ OK, that’s proof that Trump knew that the calls were coming from inside your ass. —Bill Maher

And when there was a mob outside chanting ‘Hang Mike Pence’, Trump said, maybe our supporters have the right idea? Yes, he wanted to murder his vice president. Which is completely normal…in North Korea. That is what I call a smoking noose. —Bill Maher

Of course the republicans have mounted a very aggressive defense to all this. They are all distractions. They say, you think what Trump did to his number two was bad, what about what Amber Heard did with her number two? —Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves (we can assume it wasn’t confession)

"This weekend over 37,000 people went to Denver to participate in the 4th annual Cannabis Cup. And they all made memories that would last a few minutes." –Seth Meyers

President Trump and Pope Francis today had a 30-minute long meeting in the Pope’s private study. We don’t know what they talked about, but since it was only 30 minutes, we can assume it wasn’t confession. –Seth Meyers

"The NRA is accusing a Texas gun rights group of going too far after the group posted YouTube videos of their members walking into restaurants with semi-automatic rifles. The NRA saying you've gone too far is like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves." –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's lower than CNN's ratings. Lower than Tom Cruise's foot stool. (I hope that clears it up for you)

April 2014

"Today the Pentagon announced they are going to spend millions shooting clouds with super-lasers to create more precipitation. Controlling the weather would be great because L.A. is so dry right now. Our rainfall is lower than Obama's approval ratings. It's lower than the Lakers winning percentage. It's lower than CNN's ratings. Lower than Tom Cruise's foot stool. Lower than the box office for that new Johnny Depp movie." –Craig Ferguson

"Lasers that control the weather are hard to explain. Basically they hit the cloud and create nitric acid particles that bind water molecules to create condensation nuclei. I hope that clears it up for you." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama is in Japan today. They showed him a robot developed by Honda that can kick a soccer ball. It's cute watching the president interact with a prototype that will one day enslave us all, isn't it? " –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”