NHL: Florida Panthers vs Edmonton Oilers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

No word on what the winner gets (He keeps the money)

Jeb Bush’s campaign has a contest now where someone will be flown to Houston to meet him, his dad, and his brother. No word on what the winner gets. –Conan O’Brien

While accepting the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, Eddie Murphy did a Bill Cosby impression. Murphy’s Cosby impression was so accurate, nine women are suing him. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

NHL: Arizona Coyotes vs Florida Panthers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

all the other sex addicts thought Weinstein was too creepy (nine women are suing him)

While accepting the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, Eddie Murphy did a Bill Cosby impression. Murphy’s Cosby impression was so accurate, nine women are suing him. –Conan O’Brien

Harvey Weinstein just finished a week-long stay at a rehab clinic for sex addiction. Apparently he would’ve have stayed longer, but all the other sex addicts thought Weinstein was too creepy. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It also must have been a shock to Canadians, you know? (but in your case I'll make an exception)

July 2022

“Pope Francis issued an apology to Indigenous Canadians on Monday, saying he was ‘deeply sorry’ for the ways in which ‘many Christians supported the colonizing mentality of the powers that oppressed the Indigenous peoples.’ I’m glad he is doing that. It also must have been a shock to Canadians, you know? Someone coming and apologizing to them?” —Trevor Noah

“And you know beyond the pope, the pope is great in all of this but you know who the heroes of the story are? The Indigenous people, yeah. For not just speaking to the pope but for forgiving him, even letting him wear their traditional headdress. That was amazing. It was gracious, you know? Unless they were just setting him up for a trap, you know? Like, ‘We let bygones be bygones, please accept this headdress,’ snap photo, ‘And you’re canceled, mother [bleep]! We got you — cultural appropriation.’” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Can a standup comedian, a woman rocker, and a tough drill-sergeant heal the war torn Balkans? (I want it in singles)

"Not such a great day for Hillary Clinton. Been caught telling a lie. Said when she landed in Bosnia 12 years ago, she was dodging bullets. Comedian Sinbad broke the story. Nothing says great journalism to me like the co-star of 'Jingle all the Way.' Sinbad went on a trip to Bosnia with Sheryl Crow and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like a Movie of the Week on Lifetime or something. 'Can a standup comedian, a woman rocker, and a tough drill-sergeant heal the war torn Balkans?'" --Craig Ferguson

 

"Crazy if Hillary's campaign is derailed by a comedian. It has happened before. When John McCain first ran for the Senate, he was called a liar by the most famous comedian of that time: Mark Twain." --Craig Ferguson

Hillary Clinton is having money problems. To keep her campaign alive, she had to spend $5 million of her family's money. Bill Clinton was very upset. Five million dollars is two months at the strip club. He said, "Damn it Hillary I want that money back and I want it in singles." --Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently when you buy four primaries, you get the fifth for free (imbeciles who really mean it)

"Tonight in Cleveland, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are debating one another for the 20th time. Yeah, experts are calling it redundant, unnecessary, and the most exciting thing that ever happened in Cleveland." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Mitt Romney won all five of the primaries. Apparently when you buy four primaries, you get the fifth for free." –Conan O'Brien

 

"Earlier today at the White House, President Bush met with an official from Lebanon. He said he's always admired the Lebanese. He said in fact, Dick Cheney's daughter is Lebanese." --Conan O'Brien

"Republican strategist Karl Rove recently gave an interview, and he said John McCain's attack ads go too far and aren't truthful. Then Rove said, 'I've never been so proud. That kid's good.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Offering his Twitter back is like offering Keith Richards a cigarette (climate vs company)

April 2022

“Truth Social is getting a boost from the news that Elon Musk is buying Twitter. Their app is now No. 1 on the Apple Store free app chart. We know this because Trump released a statement that said, ‘Truth Social is No. 1 in the Apple App store,’ a statement he did not bother to post on Truth Social, by the way, because no one would see it there.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“He still hasn’t posted on his own Truth Social app since the day it launched back in February. The last time he ignored something this much, it was named Eric.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump is claiming that he wouldn’t return to Elon Musk’s Twitter if allowed. I’m sorry, but there’s no way Trump won’t immediately go back to tweeting if he’s given the chance. Trump doesn’t have the self-restraint to stay off Twitter. Offering his Twitter back is like offering Keith Richards a cigarette.” —Seth Meyers

“Former congressman Devin Nunes appeared on Fox News and practically begged the hosts to join Trump’s Truth Social site. Every time you think your life is bad, just remember: you could be a former congressman begging Brian Kilmeade, a man with the eyes of a cabbage patch doll, to send out truths. Fox News host Steve Doocy told Nunes, on-air, that he couldn’t join Truth Social because of a waitlist. A waiting list? Isn’t the whole point of the internet that everything is instant? This is like if you clicked on Apple maps and it was just a list of places where you could buy a map.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The taxidermist leaves the skin (confuse the [expletive] out of everybody’s parents)

October 2021

“First, I don’t think the name is really the problem that people have with Facebook. Society is like ‘Yo, you are destroying democracy’ and Facebook is like ‘We hear you — what if we went by Bookface?’” —Trevor Noah

“Second, if you want to change your image, I don’t think you should trust Mark Zuckerberg to do that. I mean, have you seen this man’s haircut? It looks like he goes to the barber and asks him to give him the colonial child. You trust him with your makeover?” —Trevor Noah

“Moving on, Facebook is planning to rebrand the company with a new name. This comes as the company continues to expand its services beyond traditional social media. Facebook’s aim with the rebrand is to, quote, ‘confuse the [expletive] out of everybody’s parents.’” —James Corden

“Facebook is planning to rebrand the company. They’ve been plagued with scandals around misinformation, hate groups, selling people’s data, but they’re like ‘Yeah, we’ll change the name. That’s the problem, the name.’” —James Corden

“And here’s the craziest part, I don’t know if it’s been announced yet. The new name — the new name for Facebook? Steven.” —James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The United States has put severe sanctions on his cake (a Jets receiver was actually blown into the end zone)

October 2012

"You know who is celebrating a birthday? Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. He'll be 55 years old on Sunday. The United States has put severe sanctions on his cake." –David Letterman

"We're in the middle of Hurricane Sandy. So thank you very much for joining us here in the Ed Sullivan Shelter." –David Letterman 

"This storm could mean the biggest power outage since the Yankees in the playoffs." –David Letterman

"It was so windy yesterday that a Jets receiver was actually blown into the end zone." –David Letterman

"Power outages could wreak havoc on Election Day. But don't worry, Republicans have back-up crooked voting machines." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or as Mitt Romney calls it 'Corporation Magazine.' (Imbeciles who really mean it)

August 2012

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is doing the keynote speech at the Republican Convention. He didn't want to, but they're going to lure him in by having Paul Ryan drive the Wienermobile." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Stop implying that this Romney/Ryan bromance is somehow gay. You act like you’ve never seen an older millionaire take a bright young lad under his wing, dress in matching outfits and exchange doting looks while teaming up to save the country. It happens all the time and there’s nothing gay about it." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: Scientists must explain how it's possible that the tiny island country of Jamaica can at the same time possess all the most stoned people in the world and all the fastest people in the world." –Bill Maher

"Only one publication had a reporter with Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan on day one, 'People Magazine.' Or as Mitt Romney calls it 'Corporation Magazine.'" –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he's too busy to comment because he's watching Telemundo and eating chalupas (Sarah Jessica Parker's shoe closet)

June 2012

"Mitt Romney has accused President Obama of pandering to the Latino community. The president said he's too busy to comment because he's watching Telemundo and eating chalupas." –Conan O'Brien

"The Supreme Court has decided not to fine broadcast networks for fleeting expletives or momentary nudity. It looks like 'Wheel of Fortune' is about to get a lot more interesting." –Conan O'Brien

"Today the Supreme Court ruled that TV networks can show momentary nudity. So, by popular demand, 'The View' is now a radio show." –Conan O'Brien

"This weekend begins Gay Pride Week. Their big parade begins on 12th Street and ends in Sarah Jessica Parker's shoe closet." –David Letterman 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I have friends in both places/So fly free/Add to Cart

 Bill Maher’s “eulogy” for Donald Trump

        If even dead people hate you you got to ask am I doing something wrong? You know the only bipartisan agreement we seem to have these days is that neither party wants Donald Trump at their funerals. John McCain, Barbara Bush, Elijah Cummings, John Dingle and now John Lewis, all their families felt the same way. Our loved one is dead don't ruin it. Trump is about as welcome at a funeral as the gypsy woman who wanders into restaurants and sells you roses at a business dinner. 

He’s the president and people still don't want him there. It's like a children's hospital turning down Batman. What kind of spectacular prick do you have to be that everyone's last request is, ‘make sure that asshole isn't at my funeral.’ 

You know I watched the eulogies last week for John Lewis and was struck by the genuine outpouring from everyone who ever encountered this model of a man and I thought of Trump and actually felt sad for him because at his funeral no one will ever talk about him like that. Then I thought maybe if Trump could hear what a eulogy for him would sound like, maybe that would give him some insight into himself. 

So I've prepared a modest example. Now, let me be clear so the secret service feels no need to visit. I wish Donald Trump a long healthy life some place where he can’t harm America, and I have only condemnation for anyone who would ever wish any president, no matter how much you dislike them, any physical harm. 

But in the adventures of Tom Sawyer, when Tom and Huckleberry Finn get to attend their own funeral they learn a lot about themselves. So in that spirit let us imagine ourselves many years in the future and listening to these soothing words.

Dear family and frenemies of Donald Trump, some men look at the world and ask why Donald Trump looked at the world and asked what's in it for me. His generosity knew only limits and he never once failed to put himself before others. 

He was a devoted father who every day tried to teach his children the wrong lessons of life. Be quick to anger, never let go of a grudge. See the worst in people and treat them all equally based strictly on how much money they make and what they look like. So many wanted to speak here today but couldn't break their non-disclosure agreements. And our hearts go out to Melania who RSVP’d, ‘Maybe’. Donald always said he knew she was the one the moment he saw her and said those three little words. ‘Add to Cart’. 

Donald loved so many things. Money. Golf. Lawsuits. Porn Stars. Dictators. Organized Crime and the 35% of the people who still like him. The other 65% could go fuck themselves. He once said that the experience of not being in Vietnam taught him the most important lesson of all. That there's no problem so big you can’t lie your way out of it. And when it came to flouting the law he was a criminal's criminal and intellectually a midget among giants. A man of few words, about a hundred. Mostly tremendous, disgusting, strongly, and shit-hole. 

Donald Trump never met a man he liked and yet he always suffered fools. You could tell him anything and he'd believe it. It’s painful to think he could still be with us if only his personal physician wasn’t that lady who believed medicine came from outer space. Donald’s greatest hero Winston Churchill said of his own mortality, ‘I’m ready to meet my maker, whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.’

Well God, Trump’s your problem now. As for me personally, I guess what i'll miss most about Don is his dull wit. He was never laughing and when he made you laugh it was always unintentional. But as a walking parody of himself he was a challenge to satirize and made me a better comedian for it. He died as he lived, wearing makeup and lying in front of all of us. So fly free, whiny little bitch, fly free. May you find the piece your twitter thumbs never could. —Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the official sport of men who buy their groceries at the gas station (this reminds me of my wedding day)

“He spent the last four years saying he’s going to build a wall nobody would be able to penetrate. The minute they cut through it he’s like, ‘Well, yeah, if you buy a saw.’” --Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump attended a U.F.C. fight at Madison Square Garden and he was greeted with a mix of cheers and some boos. Yup, half cheered, half booed. Trump was like, ‘Wow, this reminds me of my wedding day.’” --Jimmy Fallon

“Yeah, thanks to the end of daylight savings time, Americans picked up one more hour of sleep and one more hour to boo Trump at a sporting event.” --Jimmy Fallon

“This should be Trump’s crowd! Do you know how hard it is for an old white guy to get booed at a U.F.C. event? It’s the official sport of men who buy their groceries at the gas station.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Gee, you know what would make this sex better? Having something to read (American Criminal Class)

New Rule: If you're an adult and you go to the Justin Bieber movie by yourself and you're not a film critic you have to register as a sex offender. --Bill Maher

Stop over-regulating the porn industry. The Canadian government is seriously enforcing the law that says at least 35% of porn shown in Canada must be Canadian made. Because what's sexier than a girl saying, “I'm coming, ay.” And you know it’s hard to make Canadian porn because every time they try and take their shirts off a hockey fight breaks out. --Bill Maher

New Rule: Hot women have to stop putting long paragraphs of text on their bodies. I know you think it's sexy but one thing that men never think is, “Gee, you know what would make this sex better? Having something to read.” --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

At last they're getting to see what it's like to be groped by someone who won't take no for an answer (geometry was never my strong suit)

"Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I have a lot to be thankful for: I have a new studio, a new show, I never have to watch Bristol Palin dance again." –Conan O'Brien

"Bristol Palin lost to Jennifer Grey in the finale of 'Dancing with the Stars.' The good news is, when a Palin loses they tend to just quietly disappear." –Conan O'Brien

"According to the TSA, most of the people protesting the new body search procedures are men. At last they're getting to see what it's like to be groped by someone who won't take no for an answer." –Jay Leno

"In a recent interview, Sarah Palin said we must stand with our North Korean allies. When she was corrected she said, 'Listen, geometry was never my strong suit.'" –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

This is the principal difference between a dog and man (They don't have a witch running)

"They say the Chilean miners have been rescued from a subterranean hell. Have they not heard of the New York subway?" –David Letterman

"North Korea is getting a new evil dictator. Kim Jong Il is appointing his dim-witted son, Kim Jong W. Il." –David Letterman

"The midterm elections are in a few weeks, and the Democrats are at a huge disadvantage, and I'll tell you why. They don't have a witch running." –David Letterman

"People are saying that everything is Obama's fault – he hasn't dug us out of Bush's recession and two wars fast enough. That's the problem." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

You know, for when you want to be chill about how rich you are (Fine! Take the armrest!)

Luxury department store Barney's partnered with a cannabis company to open a high-end boutique in Beverly Hills where customers can buy accessories such as glass bongs and cannabis-infused candles. You know, for when you want to be chill about how rich you are. --Seth Meyers

Starting next month, people in Australia will be able to personalize their license plates using emojis, which could complicate things for the police. "We got a blue sedan with license plate laughing man, crying man, dancing lady, little guy with a dollar bill for a tongue, cat with heart eyes, and eggplant. Copy?" --Seth Meyers

A woman gave birth aboard a JetBlue flight to Florida this weekend. Said the man next to her, "Fine! Take the armrest!" --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

How come we never see Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and ISIS in the same room? (Or as Fox News is reporting...)

President Trump announced yesterday that he will postpone his State of the Union address, due to the government shutdown. Oh, yeah, I'm sure it had everything to do with the shutdown and nothing to do with the fact that you'd have to write a speech. --Seth Meyers

Today was the 34th day of the government shutdown or, as Fox News is reporting, "How come we never see Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and ISIS in the same room?" --Seth Meyers

According to the author of the new Trump tell-all book Team of Vipers, speaker Paul Ryan once attempted to explain a healthcare bill to Trump when the president suddenly got up, walked out of the briefing and began watching television in another room. Now, I have heard Paul Ryan speak, okay, and I never thought I would say this, I have to side with the president on this one. Ryan’s boring. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

when the guy next to me on the subway is loudly watching porn on his phone (I have friends in both places)

In fact, Republicans are so scared of Democrats having power in Congress, when they met in the Oval Office on Tuesday, Vice President Mike Pence just went totally silent. In fact, even after that meeting, Pence was supposed to meet with Republicans but was mostly quiet. 

According to The Wall Street Journal, "Pence, who looked on silently during the public portion of the Oval Office discussion, later met with Senate Republicans at their weekly lunch Tuesday but said little." 

I think I know what's going on here. Pence wants to be President, but doesn't want to associate himself with any of this mess, so he's just hunkered down, waiting for Trump to resign. Look at his body language in that meeting. That's what I do when the guy next to me on the subway is loudly watching porn on his phone. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”