The suit of the century! (using one tool correctly)

"Former President George W. Bush has hired a man to lead his presidential think tank in Dallas. The man was hired because he was the only candidate who could say the words, 'George W. Bush think tank' with a straight face." --Conan O'Brien

There’s a rumor that one in 10 Europeans is conceived in an Ikea bed. So people putting together Ikea furniture are at least using one tool correctly. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We're the reason your parents lost your childhood home (using one tool correctly)

There’s a rumor that one in 10 Europeans is conceived in an Ikea bed. So people putting together Ikea furniture are at least using one tool correctly. –Conan O’Brien

The investment banking firm Goldman Sachs joined Instagram in an attempt to endear themselves to a new generation. Today, Goldman posted a meme that said, "We're the reason your parents lost your childhood home." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because that’s what guys want in a sex robot (Wheel of Giants)

An artificially intelligent sex robot is expected to hit the market next year. Because that’s what guys want in a sex robot — intelligence. –Conan O’Brien

Archaeologists in Israel have discovered an ancient formation as old as Stonehenge that’s known as the "Wheel of Giants." They claim that ancient locals used to gather around the wheel nightly and purchase vowels. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The men said they wanted to escape but they never got around to it (at least they're using one tool correctly)

In California, two women have been arrested for holding a group of men hostage and making them work for several months on a marijuana farm. The men said they wanted to escape but they never got around to it. –Conan O’Brien

In San Diego, a 100-year-old man set five world records at a track meet. He set a record in the 50-meter dash, the 800-meter run and the 100-meter wander off. –Conan O’Brien

There’s a rumor that one in 10 Europeans is conceived in an Ikea bed. So people putting together Ikea furniture are at least using one tool correctly. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You said we had a deal! (The minimum they can get away with)

Actually, this is very interesting. I read that the cloak that Kit Harington wears on the show is actually a rug from IKEA. Yeah, when he heard that, President Trump was like, "Who cares? So is my hair." --Jimmy Fallon

New polls found that Bernie Sanders is now ahead of Hillary Clinton among Democrats in both Iowa and New Hampshire. And even Hillary's lead in national polls is dwindling. I don't want to say Hillary is upset, but this morning she was spotted shouting into a volcano, "You said we had a deal!" –Jimmy Fallon

"It turns out that Newt Gingrich’s campaign wrote a $500 check to participate in the Utah primary, but it bounced. Even M.C. Hammer was like, 'Manage your money, bro.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"After dropping out of the GOP race, Rick Santorum emailed his supporters to ask for help paying off his campaign debt. So if you believe in his message of responsible spending and no handouts, just give him a handout to cover all his irresponsible spending." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the only Trump being held in prison right now is Melania (This is like if O.J. had been turned in by his gloves)

October 2022

“The House January 6th committee’s 10th and potentially final public hearing was on Thursday, which felt a lot like Game of Thrones coming back but instead of dragons roasting people alive, Liz Cheney was doing it.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“A lot of the evidence in these hearings came from Trump’s inner circle. This is like if O.J. had been turned in by his gloves.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Among the evidence presented on Thursday was video testimony from former White House aide Cassidy Hutchinson. According to Hutchinson, Donald Trump was well aware that he lost the 2020 election, telling chief of staff Mark Meadows: ‘I don’t want people to know we lost, Mark, this is embarrassing.’ Is that more embarrassing than continuing to say you won an election two years after you lost that election? Man, did his parents do a number on him.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“The committee also presented audio of Trump aides Steve Bannon and Roger Stone baldly stating plans to discredit the election before the results were known. After seeing all this evidence, it’s crazy that the only Trump being held in prison right now is Melania.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And today Bill Clinton said, "Good answer, good answer." (You know what that means? We're all going to jail.)

 

"Today Warren Buffett announced he's giving away his multi-billion dollar fortune to charity rather than leaving it to his kids. He said he doesn't believe someone's son should inherit his father's position in society. Today President Bush had him put under surveillance." --Jay Leno

 

"The Bush administration is asking Google to turn over all its records in a porn investigation. They want to know who has been using Google to look up pornography. You know what that means? We're all going to jail." --Jay Leno

"As I'm sure you know by now, Patrick Kennedy blamed this whole incident on a sleep medication he was taking. That's what he said, he said he couldn't remember getting out of bed in the middle of the night and leaving his home. And today Bill Clinton said, "Good answer, good answer." --Jay Leno

"John McCain said again today that the fundamentals of our economy are still sound. The fundamentals of our economy are still sound. To which O.J. Simpson said, 'Hey, is it too late to get him on the jury?'" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You mean George Washington's real last name was Mar-A-Lago Golf Course? (Uh, no, I don't play for the Jazz)

Some more news about the President just came out that during a trip to George Washington's home in Mount Vernon, Trump was amazed that Washington didn't name the property after himself. This is real. Trump said, "if Washington was smart, he would've put his name on it. You've got to put your name on stuff or no one remembers you." When a staffer said, "Sir, where you live is named after him." Trump was like, "You mean George Washington's real last name was Mar-A-Lago Golf Course?" --Jimmy Fallon

Actually, this is very interesting. I read that the cloak that Kit Harington wears on the show is actually a rug from IKEA. Yeah, when he heard that, President Trump was like, "Who cares? So is my hair." --Jimmy Fallon

Producers for "Game of Thrones" confirmed that President Obama has requested and will receive episodes of the show's new season before it airs on HBO. So he can call up the Republicans and spoil it for them. “Jon Snow's alive! Bye.” –Jimmy Fallon

"Jeb Bush is facing criticism after it was just revealed that he checked off his race as 'Hispanic' on a voter registration form back in 2009. When asked if he regrets it now, Bush said, 'Si.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama just made his first presidential trip to the state of Utah. Obama spent his time in Utah just like you'd expect — telling people, 'Uh, no, I don't play for the Jazz.'" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is making me think twice about taking my family to dinner at a furniture store (horse meat)

March 2013

"President Obama took a group of Republicans to dinner last night. And at the end of the meal, the president personally picked up the tab. Afterwards, Republicans said 'Typical Democrat. Spend, spend, spend.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"North Korea has threatened to nuke the United States. Which begs the question, what the hell did Dennis Rodman say over there?" –Conan O'Brien

"Last week horse meat was discovered in IKEA's meat balls. This morning it was discovered in IKEA's hot dogs. This is making me think twice about taking my family to dinner at a furniture store." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You mean I could have just bought it? (so he could feel what it's like to put together a cabinet)

November 2012

"The head of the CIA and former General David Petraeus has resigned because of an extramarital affair. So guys, let that be a lesson for you. If the CIA director – who has access to phony passports, elaborate disguises, has safe houses all over the world – if he can't keep an affair secret, you're screwed. You don't have a chance." –Jay Leno

"The big story here in Los Angeles is the Lakers have fired their coach, Mike Brown. They are playing so bad that President Obama and Chris Christie toured the Staples Center today." –Jay Leno  

"According to the real estate Web site Zillow, the White House is worth $283 million. When Mitt Romney heard that, he said, "You mean I could have just bought it?'" –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney's family has been trying to console him since Tuesday's loss. In fact, this morning they took him to Ikea just so he could feel what it's like to put together a cabinet."  –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The least popular baby name: Donald Sheen bin Laden (Porn Flakes)

"Jacob and Isabella are the most popular baby names in the U.S. The least popular baby name: Donald Sheen bin Laden." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton said that watching the raid on Osama bin Laden's compound was '38 of the most intense minutes.' Which can only mean one thing: she's never had to assemble a chair from Ikea." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is going to host a poetry night at the White House next week. That's right, Obama will recite some Yeats, Hillary will recite some Frost, Biden will recite some Seuss . . . " –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Oh my god, I’m so happy for you guys! (the beginning of the middle)

“That’s right. After opening an inquiry into the possibility of
impeachment, then reading the impeachment report, and
considering the impeachment options, we’ve finally made
it to the beginning of the end of the starting — and we’re
about to start the beginning of the middle.” --Stephen Colbert

“The House will now file articles of impeachment, then it will
go to a full vote, then it could go to the Senate. I mean, how many
steps are there in this? Are we impeaching a president or assembling
a futon from Ikea?” --James Corden

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! They finally proposed articles
of impeachment. I mean, I knew when they reserved that hearing
room this would be it, but you never know until it really happens.
Oh my god, I’m so happy for you guys!” --Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 
A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

You mean George Washington's real last name was Mar-A-Lago Golf Course? (obviously it’s not a soft drink)

Some more news about the President just came out that during a trip to George Washington's home in Mount Vernon, Trump was amazed that Washington didn't name the property after himself. This is real. Trump said, "if Washington was smart, he would've put his name on it. You've got to put your name on stuff or no one remembers you." When a staffer said, "Sir, where you live is named after him." Trump was like, "You mean George Washington's real last name was Mar-A-Lago Golf Course?" --Jimmy Fallon

Actually, this is very interesting. I read that the cloak that Kit Harington wears on the show is actually a rug from IKEA. Yeah, when he heard that, President Trump was like, "Who cares? So is my hair." --Jimmy Fallon

Meanwhile in Zambia an energy drink has been banned after it was found to contain viagra. So, obviously it’s not a soft drink. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Yeah, the barber came up with the idea after realizing that he's really bad at cutting hair (There is a difference)

Well, there are already more than 10 Democrats running for president. And I read that some of them have started trying to dig up dirt on each other. There's a lot of rumors going around about the candidates. For example, there's a rumor going around about Elizabeth Warren that says she told the cashier at IKEA that she was 1% Swedish to get a discount on meatballs. Well, here's John Delaney. What they're saying about him is that he's one of the mice from "Cinderella" that turned into a human. Here's Kirsten Gillibrand. What they're saying about her is that she's the top-selling real-estate agent in the tri-state area five years running. --Jimmy Fallon

And get this -- In honor of next's week's summit, a barber in Vietnam is giving free haircuts in the style of Trump and Kim Jong-un. Yeah, the barber came up with the idea after realizing that he's really bad at cutting hair. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

By Trump's standards he is over performing (not, as I had assumed, by a woman in a pantsuit)

The National Parks Service has approved an application for a white civil rights rally in Washington, D.C., this August. That should make for some interesting chants. "What do we want! Seriously, what do we want? I mean, we're doing pretty great, right? Seems like we shouldn't be having a march." --Seth Meyers

President Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame was destroyed today by a man with a pickaxe. And not, as I had assumed, by a woman in a pantsuit. --Seth Meyers

IKEA has announced plans to test out small-scale stores that could fit more easily into city environments. Just as soon as builders can figure out the instructions. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

So, I guess that’s what passes for good news these days (Or, more likely, snails live pretty similar lives)

The CDC has announced that romaine lettuce is safe to eat again. So, I guess that’s what passes for good news these days. Romaine’s back! --Seth Meyers

IKEA’s launching a new credit card that offers rewards and perks for frequent customers, but it is a bitch to put together! --Seth Meyers

Scientists claim to have succeeded transplanting a memory from the brain of one sea snail and implanting it into another. Or, more likely, snails live pretty similar lives. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

What does six bankruptcies make you as a businessman? (Overrated)

Researchers in Asia have developed a robot that is capable of assembling furniture from Ikea. Completely true! The robot assembled an Ikea chair in just about 20 minutes. If you think this will save you a lot of time, think again. The first step is, you've got to assemble the robots. --James Corden

It's amazing how advanced and human-like they are. The robots were even able to assemble the chair while drinking a Coors Light and yelling at their kids. --James Corden

And this is nice, they're also developing a robot that will throw your Ikea furniture away when it breaks three weeks later. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

In Your Guts You Know He's Nuts (major chaos)

I saw that “Survivor” is coming back for a 37th season. I think they're starting to run out of locations. They just announced that next season is being held at a Costco on a Saturday. --Jimmy Fallon

Evan Rachel Wood is on the show tonight. She is the star of "Westworld," the show about robots that look identical to humans, and cause major chaos. Or as it's also known, Facebook. --Jimmy Fallon

A group of scientists in Singapore built a robot that can put together Ikea furniture. That's when you know something's wrong, when it's easier to build a robot than an Ikea dresser. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

or one for each person who lives in Norway (the “reverse Ikea”)

The big winner this year is Norway. They won a record 39 medals, wow — or one for each person who lives in Norway. --Jimmy Fallon

The U.S. men’s curling team beat Sweden to win their first gold medal ever! Actually, they were beating Sweden so bad, they conceded the match early. Yep, America made Sweden quit in frustration, or as we call that, the “reverse Ikea.” --Jimmy Fallon

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

if you have to ask – it ain’t you (Hush Money)

I saw that Ikea’s teaming up with Amazon to sell its furniture online. They say it’s perfect for couples who want to argue in the comfort of their own home. –Jimmy Fallon

A new study finds that parents DO actually have a favorite child. The survey also finds if you have to ask – it ain’t you. –Jimmy Fallon

    

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans