How can we make ourselves sound more like a male strip club? (They planet)

"The new 'Call of Duty: Black Ops' video game was released today, and it actually features General David Petraeus. So I guess it’s safe to assume the game has plenty of cheat codes." –Jimmy Fallon

"The country's largest Tea Party group is planning a cross-country bus tour to help elect Mitt Romney. Romney was like, 'Wow, that's great. What is a bus?'" –Jimmy Fallon

I read that Toys"R"Us may be relaunching as a new store, called "Geoffrey's Toy Box." I guess executives were like, "How can we make ourselves sound more like a male strip club?" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This narrowly beat out his second choice, "Mother of Dragons." (seniors still rank her third behind apple sauce and creamed spinach)

"A new poll of Democratic voters in Iowa has found that senior citizens prefer Hillary Clinton. Unfortunately for Hillary, the seniors still rank her third behind apple sauce and creamed spinach." --Conan O'Brien

"U.S. Immigration Service is busy. They deported 2,000 illegal immigrants this week in a program they're calling 'Operation Return To Sender,' or as the program is also known, 'Operation We're Taking Away Your Gardner.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Another big day on Capitol Hill. General Petraeus testified again today before Congress about the Iraq war. Some Democrats are claiming that Petraeus' answers are scripted by President Bush. Which explains Petraeus' use of the word 'surgerrific.'" --Conan O'Brien

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un has been given a new title, "Chairman of the Workers' Party." This narrowly beat out his second choice, "Mother of Dragons." –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yes, it is the worst theater since the Democrats held the Senate for a full production of 'Cats.' (Mungo Jerry)

"Just because some Republican senators have recently spoken out against the war does not mean they should be forced to actually vote against it. It's like a relationship -- you just have to trust how they feel. Don't make them say those three little words -- end the war. ... Besides, this whole staying up all night thing is just a partisan stunt. Like Mitch McConnell said, 'it is theater, and bad theater at that.' Yes, it is the worst theater since the Democrats held the Senate for a full production of 'Cats.' Though Harry Reid did shine as Mungo Jerry." --Stephen Colbert

"I have to address something that I saw in the New York Times yesterday. Take a look at this ad, a full-page ad from MoveOn.org: 'General Petraeus or General Betray-Us?' Folks, this is unforgivable. 'General Betray-Us'? Really? You liberals have all of Hollywood at your fingertips, and that's the best taunt you can come up with? What about 'General Butt-Gay-Us?' That would really call his testimony into question. See, as a child, I worked so hard to create the most powerful playground put downs our school had ever heard. Teachers feared me and I am ashamed to see my art treated so shabbily by MoveOn.org. So watch and learn, MoveOn.org. Or, should I say PoopStupid.Poop?" --Stephen Colbert

"As we speak at 11:30 p.m. Eastern Standard Time in Washington, Republican senators are being forced to stay up all night debating yet another Democratic proposal on a timetable for withdrawal from Iraq. Still, this is an opportunity for Republicans to stand up for what they believe in -- keeping us in Iraq no matter what. So, at this late hour, heroes like Trent Lott and John McCain are in the Senate trenches, kept in the line of political fire much longer than any of them signed on for. Democrats, bring these boys home." --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If there's one thing she knows, it's how to spot a guy who's lying (Let's go to Barack for the weather)

"Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson are now tied neck and neck in national polls. Actually, you know, if they were on the ticket together, that would be a tough team for the Democrats to beat. I mean, if they could just get all their ex-wives to vote for them." --Jay Leno

"Last week, it got a little dramatic. Senator Hillary Clinton called General Petraeus a liar. And believe this, if there's one thing she knows, it's how to spot a guy who's lying." --Jay Leno

 

"Did you all see Barack Obama and Hillary last night at that debate? Did you see them sitting side by side, staring at the camera? They looked like one of those bad local eyewitness news teams. 'Let's go to Barack for the weather. Thank you, Hillary.'" --Jay Leno

 

"Actually, they're going to hold off on that Dubai ports deal for 45 days while Congress debates it. 45 days, well that's good. Those problems in the Middle East tend to clear up pretty quickly." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you act now, he'll throw in a free prayer rug (Do you feel what I feel?)

"Senator Larry Craig gave a press conference today where he said, I'm not gay, I've never been that way. Then he apologized to his wife, Liza Minnelli." --Jay Leno

"A group of TSA workers at LAX airport have formed a choir to sing to passengers. That's just what you want, a guy with his hands down your pants going, 'Do you feel what I feel?'" –Jay Leno

"President Bush introduced former Fox broadcaster Tony Snow as the new White House Press Secretary. See, this is the perfect example of wasteful government spending. I mean, why is the president paying someone to join his staff and tow the party line when he was doing it on Fox News for free?" --Jay Leno

 

"In political news, Vice President Dick Cheney is very upset about the way General Petraeus has been treated by the Democrats. Vice President Cheney said it is horrible that people mock and insult a soldier. I'll be sure to pass that on to John Kerry when I see him." --Jay Leno

"In this new video, Osama bin Laden makes a pitch to America by attacking the Democrats. And then he says we should all convert to Islam 'cause there are no taxes. He's now running third in Iowa. Is it me or is bin Laden getting more Western in these videos? Like in this new one where he wants us to convert to Islam, he says if you act now, he'll throw in a free prayer rug." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you convert to Islam he'll throw in a free prayer rug (Do you feel what I feel?)

"A group of TSA workers at LAX airport have formed a choir to

sing to passengers. That's just what you want, a guy with his

hands down your pants going, 'Do you feel what I feel?'"

–Jay Leno

"Senator Larry Craig gave a press conference today where he said, I'm not gay, I've never been that way. Then he apologized to his wife, Liza Minnelli." --Jay Leno

"President Bush introduced former Fox broadcaster Tony Snow as the new White House Press Secretary. See, this is the perfect example of wasteful government spending. I mean, why is the president paying someone to join his staff and tow the party line when he was doing it on Fox News for free?" --Jay Leno

 

"In political news, Vice President Dick Cheney is very upset about the way General Petraeus has been treated by the Democrats. Vice President Cheney said it is horrible that people mock and insult a soldier. I'll be sure to pass that on to John Kerry when I see him." --Jay Leno

"In this new video, Osama bin Laden makes a pitch to America by attacking the Democrats. And then he says we should all convert to Islam 'cause there are no taxes. He's now running third in Iowa. Is it me or is bin Laden getting more Western in these videos? Like in this new one where he wants us to convert to Islam, he says if you act now, he'll throw in a free prayer rug." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

if you act now, he'll throw in a free prayer rug (Do you feel what I feel?)

"Congress has voted to extend the Bush tax cuts. Is it me, or is

George W. Bush getting more done now than when he was in

office?" –Jay Leno

"A group of TSA workers at LAX airport have formed a choir

to sing to passengers. That's just what you want, a guy with

his hands down your pants going, 'Do you feel what I feel?'"

–Jay Leno

"Senator Craig gave a press conference today where he said,

I'm not gay, I've never been that way. Then he apologized to

his wife, Liza Minnelli." --Jay Leno

"President Bush introduced former Fox broadcaster Tony

Snow as the new White House Press Secretary. See, this

is the perfect example of wasteful government spending.

I mean, why is the president paying someone to join his

staff and tow the party line when he was doing it on

Fox News for free?" --Jay Leno

 

"In political news, Vice President Dick Cheney is very

upset about the way General Petraeus has been treated

by the Democrats. Vice President Cheney said it is horrible

that people mock and insult a soldier. I'll be sure to pass

that on to John Kerry when I see him." --Jay Leno

"In this new video, Osama bin Laden makes a pitch to

America by attacking the Democrats. And then he says

we should all convert to Islam 'cause there are no taxes.

He's now running third in Iowa. Is it me or is bin Laden

getting more Western in these videos? Like in this new

one where he wants us to convert to Islam, he says if

you act now, he'll throw in a free prayer rug." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I can't believe I'm doing this. Get me Dennis Rodman. (Any of you ladies want to write it?)

March 2013

"Yesterday former CIA director David Petraeus apologized for having an affair with his biographer. He said he hopes this begins a new chapter in his life. It got awkward when he said, 'Any of you ladies want to write it?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday President Obama told reporters that his NCAA tournament bracket is busted. Obama said they were the worst picks he's ever made – then he looked at his economic advisers and said, 'Ehh, maybe not.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano – the person in charge of our national security – recently said she doesn't email, text, or tweet. So remember: If you see something, say something – because there's literally no other way she'll get the message." –Jimmy Fallon

"North Korea is warning the U.S. that war with South Korea may break out at any minute. Or as Obama put it, 'Can't believe I'm doing this. Get me Dennis Rodman.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Each senator received a fitting gift: a gold watch that stopped working years ago (Hey, I'm not doing anything)

December 2012

"Barbara Walters' 'Ten Most Fascinating People' show was on last night. Number one was General Petraeus. I think if this guy was a little less fascinating he would probably still have his job." –David Letterman

"The North Koreans are always making trouble. They launched a rocket there over the weekend. It was scary when they fired that rocket. It flew right over my vacation home in Pyongyang." –David Letterman

"The satellite that North Korea launched on Tuesday is apparently unstable, and could collide with several American satellites. Or as North Korea calls that, 'The point.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"HBO is planning a new movie similar to 'Game Change,' but based on the 2012 election. The network said they're not sure who will play Mitt Romney — then Mitt Romney said, 'Hey, I'm not doing anything.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, the Senate floor was reserved for farewell speeches from retiring senators. Each senator received a fitting gift: a gold watch that stopped working years ago." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

See, who says President Obama can't create jobs? (He better hope they're brain donors)

December 2012

"Mitt Romney is going back to work. Romney is joining the board of directors at Marriott hotels. See, who says President Obama can't create jobs? There's one right there." –Jay Leno

"I think it's great that Romney's getting back to the workforce and not becoming one of those 47 percent looking for a handout." –Jay Leno

"Texas Gov. Rick Perry says he's taking steps to run for president in 2016. In fact, this week he's meeting with donors. He better hope they're brain donors." –Jay Leno

"General Petraeus is telling his friends he screwed up royally by having an affair with his biographer. Well, duh! If you want to keep an affair secret, don't have sex with the woman who's writing your life story." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Apparently when he said the surge is working, he didn't even know his phone was on (You know who I blame?)

November 2012

"I don't care that they were screwing, but I do sort of care that the CIA director can't keep a secret. Apparently when he said the surge is working, he didn't even know his phone was on." –Bill Maher

"Down in Tampa, where we have our Central Command, there was this glorified gypsy grifter named Jill Kelly, who's part Kardashian, part Palin, and part Snooki, who was hanging around the military bases. The media calls her a Tampa socialite. What is that really? Someone who goes to Applebee's and orders the filet? So she starts getting these anonymous threatening emails from someone – of course it turned out to be Paula Broadwell – telling her to stay away from my general. Because if there's one thing a mistress hates, it's a guy who cheats." –Bill Maher

"This is why I agree with the gays when they say we should not allow heterosexuals in the military." –Bill Maher

"The best part of this is the politics of it. Jill Kelly is a Republican. General Petraeus, that's the guy Republicans wanted to run for president. Paula Broadwell, they wanted to run her for Senate on the Republican side. This whole scandal happened because Jill Kelly was flirting with a super-partisan right-winger FBI agent, who took the emails to his Republican congressman, who took them to House Majority Leader Republican Eric Cantor. You know who I blame? Obama." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now is the time of monsters/Will coach for food/It's a love pentagon

November 2012

"There are now reports that President Obama will name Massachusetts Senator John Kerry to be the next secretary of defense. Apparently this is part of America's new defense strategy to bore our enemies to death." --Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad that on the way to work I saw Phil Jackson holding a sign that said, 'Will coach for food.'" --Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, MSNBC had to lay off 300 Obama spokesmen." --Jay Leno 

"A decorated war hero has an affair with his own sexy biographer, who thinks the spy master is stepping out on her with a second girlfriend. So she sends an email from a secret account saying 'step off or I will cut a bi-atch.' And the second hottie freaks out and contacts her friends, FBI agents, who launch an investigation, but gets pulled off the case because he sexed her a shirtless photo. The spy master protege, also a general, has sent thousands of e-mails to the second woman. This isn't just a love triangle, folks. It's a love pentagon." --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I was pitching a tent in Afghanistan (We are all being played)

November 2012

"It was announced today that former General Petraeus has agreed to testify before Congress. I guess he figured, 'Why not?' Those questions can't be any tougher than the ones he's getting at home right now." –Jay Leno

"See, when a general tells his wife, 'I was pitching a tent in Afghanistan," technically he's not lying." –Jay Leno

"This whole scandal has changed the way the White House does business. Like, you know the Situation Room? It's now the Compromising Situation Room. They've changed it." –Jay Leno

"It's now being reported that General Petraeus wanted to run for president. But, you know, he can still win. He's an older white guy with a sex scandal, so there's something there for Republicans and Democrats." –Jay Leno

"A woman in Arizona ran over her husband with her Jeep because she blamed him for Obama getting reelected. See, I don't think the woman is being fair. If Obama hadn't saved the auto industry, she wouldn't have been able to run over her husband with an American-made car." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They need to stop this thing or we’re gonna end up with nobody left to run the government (cheat codes)

June 2012

"This David Petraeus scandal just keeps getting bigger. It turns out that another top general and an FBI agent had inappropriate contact with Jill Kelley, the woman who sparked the investigation. They need to stop this thing or we’re gonna end up with nobody left to run the government." –Jimmy Fallon
 

"The new 'Call of Duty: Black Ops' video game was released today, and it actually features General David Petraeus. So I guess it’s safe to assume the game has plenty of cheat codes." –Jimmy Fallon 

"Today a rare 76-carat diamond went up for auction in Switzerland. The jeweler called it 'a priceless stone' while David Petraeus' wife called it 'a start.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it turns out people didn't want a vice president with two first names (Apparently she did very well with swing voters)

November 2012

"David Petraeus was reportedly not well liked at the CIA where he worked. A tip to you fellows out there – don't cheat on your wife if you work with professional spies who don't like you." –Conan O'Brien

"Arizona has elected the first openly bisexual congresswoman. Apparently she did very well with swing voters." –Conan O’Brien

"You remember Paul Ryan? He was Mitt Romney's Gilligan, his little buddy. He wanted to be vice president but it didn't work out. They did some of those focus groups and it turns out people didn't want a vice president with two first names." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I was surprised to learn Abraham Lincoln was not a vampire hunter (he's behaving like your common congressman)

November 2012

"'Skyfall,' the number one movie at the box office this week, made over $100 million. It's the biggest opening ever for a James Bond film. There's not a lot of sex in the movie – it's very downplayed. See, James Bond is just a secret agent. It's not like he's head of the CIA." –Jay Leno

"People are disappointed. A four-star general, highly decorated, brilliant strategist, director of the CIA – and yet he's behaving like your common congressman." –Jay Leno

"The movie 'Lincoln' opened over the weekend. It's getting unbelievable reviews. It's so authentic. Daniel Day-Lewis plays Lincoln. Sally Field plays Mary Todd Lincoln. John McCain plays himself." –Jay Leno 

"I was surprised to learn Abraham Lincoln was not a vampire hunter." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Just tell me one thing – is it General Petraeus? (Groucho Marxism)

November 2012

"This weekend, it was announced that Justin Bieber and his girlfriend, Selena Gomez, have broken up. Bieber said, 'Just tell me one thing – is it General Petraeus?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The James Bond movie 'Skyfall' came in No. 1 this weekend with $88 million. It's about a spy who fights terrorists and sleeps with a lot of women. Critics are calling it 'well-made,' while David Petraeus is calling it 'relatable.'" –Jimmy Fallon 

"Get this. After all the confusion at the polls in Florida last week, Governor Rick Scott said he will review ways to improve his state's voting procedures. It'll be the biggest thing Scott's done since he won that raffle to become governor." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”