Do you have the plague? (You got five minutes. No touching!)

Experts reported this week that so much trash has accumulated in Los Angeles, they believe it could lead to a spread of the bubonic plague. Said people in Los Angeles, "We are gonna get so skinny." "Do you have the plague? You have to get the plague." --Seth Meyers

Salad chain Sweetgreen announced yesterday they will give employees five months of paid parental leave. And Walmart announced they'll let employees see their families once a year. "You got five minutes. No touching!" --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Which, let’s be honest, is going to make for an interesting prom (a 30 foot tall rainbow dragon)

A school in a small village in the French Alps recently experienced a decrease in class size. So in order to avoid a school closure, a local farmer enrolled, and we are not making this up, fifteen of his sheep in the school. Which, let’s be honest, is going to make for an interesting prom. --James Corden

After a very close vote, the city of Denver, Colorado, just became the first city in the nation to decriminalize hallucinogenic mushrooms. The announcement was made by Denver’s mayor, a 30 foot tall rainbow dragon that totally has your dad’s face. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

eight years after you buy it, its value decreases $14 trillion (and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon)

"I just read that George W. Bush is getting his own limited edition baseball card. You can tell it's Bush's card because eight years after you buy it, its value decreases $14 trillion." –Jimmy Fallon

A JetBlue pilot was arrested this week and charged with heroin possession. Passengers could tell something was up when, during their flight, he announced, "To your left you'll see the Grand Canyon, and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon." —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My God what have I done … I’ve hurt the only one I ever loved (Shelves n Smells)

This week also saw McDonald’s report a sales decline of 3.6%, its biggest since the pandemic. Colbert as Trump: “My God what have I done … I’ve hurt the only one I ever loved.” —Stephen Colbert

With imports from China on the decline, the 99¢ store will soon be known as “Shelves n Smells”. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They had what they called 'Hanging Juans.' (but wasn’t that an episode of Dukes of Hazzard?)

 

"Hey, anybody seen John McCain? He was a guest on the 'Rachael Ray' show today. You know, I think he's trying to attract younger voters. I think it might have backfired on him a little bit. Like when Rachael Ray put something in the microwave, McCain said, 'Hey, that's a pretty fancy breadbox you've got there. "Hey, an electric bread box!'" --Jay Leno

"Earlier last week the leftist candidate was declared the winner in the Mexican presidential election. Then after the recount, the conservative candidate was named president. Apparently, they had some problems with the ballots. They had what they called 'Hanging Juans.'" –Jay Leno

 

"I guess there are some problems with Sarah Palin, though. Have you heard about this 'Troopergate' scandal? Palin allegedly used her power as governor to pressure officials to fire her former brother-in-law from his state trooper job. Now, maybe I'm wrong, but wasn’t that an episode of 'Dukes of Hazzard?'" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Finally, a chance to regift this goat (and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon)

A couple in Florida are getting married and instead of wedding presents, they've asked for money to buy goats. Even crazier, one couple they invited was like, "Finally, a chance to regift this goat." --Jimmy Fallon

A JetBlue pilot was arrested this week and charged with heroin possession. Passengers could tell something was up when, during their flight, he announced, "To your left you'll see the Grand Canyon, and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon." —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In a related story, Trump just made Kanye the new secretary of Dragon Energy (7 Degrees of Kevin Bacon)

I read about an Orthodox rabbi who recently blessed medical marijuana, saying that the weed is actually kosher for Passover. Which explains why some Jewish people were leaving ANOTHER chair empty for Scooby-Doo. –Jimmy Fallon

We have got Kevin Bacon on the show tonight! Alexis Bledel is here. She is in "The Handmaid's Tale" with Elisabeth Moss, who was in "Girl Interrupted" with Winona Ryder, who was in "Reality Bites" with Ben Stiller, who was in "Zoolander" with Will Ferrell, who was in "Stepbrothers" with John C. Reilly, who was in "The River Wild" with … Kevin Bacon! --Jimmy Fallon

Today, Kanye West tweeted that he and Trump are brothers and "are both dragon energy." Trump responded saying, "Very cool." In a related story, Trump just made Kanye the new secretary of Dragon Energy. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the only Trump being held in prison right now is Melania (This is like if O.J. had been turned in by his gloves)

October 2022

“The House January 6th committee’s 10th and potentially final public hearing was on Thursday, which felt a lot like Game of Thrones coming back but instead of dragons roasting people alive, Liz Cheney was doing it.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“A lot of the evidence in these hearings came from Trump’s inner circle. This is like if O.J. had been turned in by his gloves.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Among the evidence presented on Thursday was video testimony from former White House aide Cassidy Hutchinson. According to Hutchinson, Donald Trump was well aware that he lost the 2020 election, telling chief of staff Mark Meadows: ‘I don’t want people to know we lost, Mark, this is embarrassing.’ Is that more embarrassing than continuing to say you won an election two years after you lost that election? Man, did his parents do a number on him.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“The committee also presented audio of Trump aides Steve Bannon and Roger Stone baldly stating plans to discredit the election before the results were known. After seeing all this evidence, it’s crazy that the only Trump being held in prison right now is Melania.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even your uncle on Facebook was like, "That's a lot of all caps." (to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon)

Tomorrow is National Tequila Day. While the day after that is National "Janice From HR Wants to See You in Her Office” Day. --Jimmy Fallon

A JetBlue pilot was arrested this week and charged with heroin possession. Passengers could tell something was up when, during their flight, he announced, "To your left you'll see the Grand Canyon, and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon." —Jimmy Fallon

At midnight last night, Donald Trump sent this tweet. This is real. He wrote: "To Iranian President Rouhani: NEVER, EVER THREATEN THE UNITED STATES AGAIN OR YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE. WE ARE NO LONGER A COUNTRY THAT WILL STAND FOR YOUR DEMENTED WORDS OF VIOLENCE & DEATH. BE CAUTIOUS!” Even your uncle on Facebook was like, "That's a lot of all caps." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Never forget what you're fighting for! (a 30 foot tall rainbow dragon that totally has your dad’s face)

 

A headline from the Huffington Post read “Distracted driver turns out to have 250-pound pig on lap.” The honest headline should have read “Man has massive hog.” --James Corden

A headline from Fox News read “Hawaii lawmaker proposes banning the sale of cigarettes to anyone under 100 years old.” The honest headline should have read “Yo mama so old she can buy cigarettes in Hawaii.” --James Corden

After a very close vote, the city of Denver, Colorado, just became the first city in the nation to decriminalize hallucinogenic mushrooms. The announcement was made by Denver’s mayor, a 30 foot tall rainbow dragon that totally has your dad’s face. --James Corden

Now Donald Trump’s exact quote about his tax return was, “Oh, at some point I’ll release them. Maybe I’ll release them after I’m finished because I’m very proud of them, actually, I did a good job.” Who talks about their tax forms like that? We want him to release his taxes, but at this point, I’d settle for him releasing his high school diploma. –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And now for something completely different (dragons can be beaten)

 

"What will the Republican presidential campaign look like without Karl Rove? Probably the same as it would have with him. Warnings about Mexicans, warnings about Arabs, and warnings about gays. They're trying to come over the border, they're trying to come over the oceans, they're trying to come over your back." --Bill Maher

"I hope it is Barack Obama. Him running against either the mannequin or Grandpa Munster. Hillary Clinton is great. I just think it's time America heard the words, 'And now for something completely different.'" –Bill Maher

"Mardi Gras starts tomorrow in New Orleans. Talk about perfect timing. Those truckloads of ice from FEMA just showed up." --Bill Maher

 

"I guess it's no wonder that a poll out this summer put 'None of the Above' over all of the other Republican candidates. And if 'None of the Above' does get the Republican nomination, you know two things will happen: a) the Democrats will find a way to lose to him, and b) Bush will try to call and congratulate him." --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s why everyone in Holland is dead (Dragons did some stuff. The End)

It’s been a great week for everybody, especially Donald Trump. I meant to say horrible week, because the democrats in congress have demanded his tax returns, his financial records and the full Mueller Report. To embarrass him next, they’re going to ask him what his children’s birthdays are. --Stephen Colbert

During a recent speech President Trump claimed that windmills cause cancer. Of course they do. That’s why everyone in Holland is dead. --Stephen Colbert

Trump’s Attorney General William Barr summarized the 400 page Mueller Report in just three and a half pages. It’s like tuning in to see the new season of Game of Thrones and it’s just Barr holding a sign that says, “Dragons did some stuff. The End.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Imagine having that confidence to do LSD while guarding nuclear weapons (busy swatting away purple dragons)

A new article revealed that members of the U.S. Air Force in Wyoming took LSD and had acid trips while they were assigned to guard nuclear missiles. Is it me or does it feel like Donald Trump definitely picked the wrong day to brag about America's nuclear capabilities? --James Corden

Imagine having that confidence to do LSD while guarding nuclear weapons. When I was 18, I didn't even feel comfortable enough to smoke pot before I went to work at a pizzeria. I mean, I found a way, and let me tell you, if you work at a pizzeria and you like smoking pot, those two work brilliantly together. --James Corden

It's nice to know that if Donald Trump ever does try to start a war, the guys responsible for the missiles won't be able to push the buttons because they'll be too busy swatting away purple dragons. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”