In a related story, Chris Christie just suspended his campaign (last week’s coughing spell was actually due to a massive bong hit)

During last night's debate, Jeb Bush wanted Donald Trump to apologize to his wife but Trump refused. Trump said, "If I apologized to wives I wouldn't be on my third one." –Conan O’Brien

It’s come out that Hillary Clinton is having a hard time connecting with millennial voters. So now she’s saying that last week’s coughing spell was actually due to a massive bong hit. –Conan O’Brien

The Olive Garden is bringing back its “Pasta Pass,” which lets you eat as much pasta as you want for seven weeks. In a related story, Chris Christie just suspended his campaign. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The men said they wanted to escape but they never got around to it (at least they're using one tool correctly)

In California, two women have been arrested for holding a group of men hostage and making them work for several months on a marijuana farm. The men said they wanted to escape but they never got around to it. –Conan O’Brien

In San Diego, a 100-year-old man set five world records at a track meet. He set a record in the 50-meter dash, the 800-meter run and the 100-meter wander off. –Conan O’Brien

There’s a rumor that one in 10 Europeans is conceived in an Ikea bed. So people putting together Ikea furniture are at least using one tool correctly. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You're showing us the client list right? (The American Dream)

"This Facebook fiasco is one of the biggest clusterbombs ever on Wall Street. Regular people got screwed and the banks and the insiders did okay. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, 'The American Dream.'" –Bill Maher

"A new biography came out that says that in high school Obama was a huge pothead. Mitt Romney had to respond to this and said, ‘It is appalling that Obama spent his teenage years goofing around and smoking pot when he should have been pinning down gay kids and cutting their hair." –Bill Maher

"The same conservatives who were all for the Patriot Act are now freaked out about this. They're like, 'When we said the president could do whatever the hell he wanted, we didn't mean a black guy.'" –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It would be like putting a smoke detector in Willie Nelson's dressing room (strawberry milk for everyone)

Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said yesterday that the White House is not considering conducting lie detector tests to uncover the author of the anonymous op-ed published in The New York Times. Because putting a lie detector in the White House would be like putting a smoke detector in Willie Nelson's dressing room. --Seth Meyers

An all-red cow was born in Jerusalem this week, which some believe fulfills a biblical prophecy to "reinstate purity to the world." While Education Secretary Betsy DeVos believes it means strawberry milk for everyone. --Seth Meyers

According to a new CNN poll, President Trump's approval rating has fallen six points in the last month. If he gets any less popular, they're just going to reboot the series without him. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It was the first time the two of them were in the same room since Trump's wedding (How to start world peace)

Last night they held, like, an appetizer debate — an “amuse douche,” if you will. It was called the Commander-in-Chief Forum. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump answered questions about national security. It was the first time the two of them were in the same room since Trump's wedding. –Stephen Colbert

Even billionaire Donald Trump is funding his campaign with a store. Which is great because where else could you find something with his name on it? –Stephen Colbert

According to the anonymous author [of The New York Times op-ed], many of Trump's senior officials are working diligently from within to frustrate his worst inclinations, and that's not easy because all of Trump's inclinations are tied for worst. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”