They were married for 33 years, six of which Ozzy remembers

Donald Trump said that Hillary was nasty and mean to the women who slept with her husband. Trump's wives did not treat his mistresses like that at all. They had the courtesy to let him marry them. –Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump has been married three times. Attacking Hillary Clinton for having marital problems is like the pot calling the kettle black, or in Trump's case, calling the kettles "the blacks." By the way, the kettles love him. –Stephen Colbert

This weekend, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne said that they're getting a divorce. Ozzy announced the separation by biting the head off their lawyer. It's sad news. They were married for 33 years, six of which Ozzy remembers. –Stephen Colbert