Tyrannosaurus rex (anyone from the cast of Entourage)

Hillary Clinton’s shortlist for running mate includes Sen. Elizabeth Warren, Sen. Tim Kaine, and HUD Secretary Julian Castro. Meanwhile, Donald Trump’s shortlist includes "anyone from the cast of 'Entourage.'" –Conan O’Brien

Some private companies are now taking over the reporting of local news. I read all about it in this week’s issue of US News & Zesty Cool Ranch Doritos. –Conan O’Brien

Scientists now think the Tyrannosaurus rex immigrated to North America from Asia. So now scientists think the T. rex was wiped out by its parents' crushing academic demands. –Conan O’Brien

He just doesn't want us to know how good he's had it

"In his speech last night, San Antonio Mayor Julian Castro said that Mitt Romney has no idea how good he's had it. I don't think that's true. I think Mitt Romney knows how good he's had it. He just doesn't want us to know how good he's had it." –Jay Leno



"Apparently last week the Republicans had originally planned to have a Ronald Reagan three-dimensional hologram speak at the Republican convention. They decided against it. I guess they were concerned that Reagan would come across as more life-like that Mitt Romney." –Jay Leno



"Last week at the Republican convention, no one mentioned the Tea Party. And listen to this, if it wasn't for Ann Romney, no one at the Republican convention would have mentioned Mitt." –David Letterman



John Hulse painting