"What was Earth doing
in the run-up to Earth Day? Well, over the last week it gave us a volcano
erupting in Peru, earthquakes in Tibet, Indonesia and Japan, freak tornados in
America and the Philippines, floods in Hungary, Romania, Malaysia and Kenya,
wild fires in Colorado, and a category five super-cyclone that's about to
destroy Darwin, Australia. Earth, could you meet me over at camera three
please? Hey Earth, how's it going? So I guess kissing your ass doesn't work. We
call you beautiful, precious, mother. Gave you your own day. Just like veterans
and groundhogs. We even named you planet of the year in 1988 -- even though by
any objective estimation that was Neptune's year. We try to make nice, and what
do you do? Not only do you kill us in a thousand different ways, but when we
raise your temperature by just a degree -- one little degree -- you're all,
'Oh, it's so hot now, my polar ice caps are melting!' You're a pussy! I got
news for you, Earth, you're not the only rock in the neighborhood, you know
what I'm saying?" --Jon Stewart
"President Bush was
hosting the Chinese president at the White House, President Hu. Or as I call
them when they're together: President Hu and President Huh? It was actually a
very controversial summit. Some think it's wrong to meet a dictator with a
deplorable human rights record, but apparently President Hu was okay with
it." --Bill Maher
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