In the new version of Monopoly, the banker never goes to jail (Is 28% still technically an approval rating?)

 

"President Bush's approval rating has dropped to an all-time low of 28%. Here's my question: Is 28% still technically an approval rating?" --Jay Leno

"Monopoly is getting a big makeover. They want to make the Monopoly game more modern and bring it up to date to reflect our current culture. Like, in the new version of Monopoly, the banker never goes to jail." –Jay Leno

"President Bush was clearing brush at his ranch when he was scratched by a tree. That's a switch, a tree harming a Republican, when does that ever happen? I guess Bush has cut down so many trees they're starting to fight back now." --Jay Leno

"Hey, have you heard Hillary Clinton's new campaign slogan? 'Incoming!' Actually, new revelations about Hillary's trip to Bosnia. You know that whole thing? It turns out it was a misunderstanding. Now she says she went there looking to hire a sniper." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She has more war stories than John McCain? (do you want the brushy brushy)

"I'm a little upset. You know, Hillary Clinton was supposed to be our first guest tonight, but she got pinned down by sniper fire and was not able to come in." --Jay Leno

"Who would've guessed that Hillary would have more war stories than John McCain?" --Jay Leno

"Well, you know, Hillary Clinton's campaign is now saying she misspoke. She misspoke -- that's like a political word -- when she said last week that she landed under sniper fire during a trip to Bosnia as first lady. Turns out, it was gunfire on a trip to L.A. See, she got confused." --Jay Leno

"I tell you, you know who's got to be depressed about all of this? Hillary Clinton. I mean, look at this woman. She works hard, goes to Wellesley, goes to Yale, graduates with honors, devotes her entire life to public service. Now she's starting to realize if she had just put on some makeup and shot a moose, she'd be on her way to the White House." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So let that be a lesson to all you young women out there. Don't ever think of posing nude until after you're a successful hooker.

 

"As you know, Hillary Clinton is coming under fire for claiming she was under fire while in Bosnia. Luckily, she was wearing her Kevlar pantsuit at the time." --Jay Leno

 

"No, Hillary now says that she just made an honest mistake when she said she had to duck sniper fire in Bosnia. There was no hostile fire of any kind. Although, ironically, while she was away, Bill Clinton did see some action." --Jay Leno

President Bush gave his big State of Delusion address. In last year's State of the Union speech, President Bush said, 'The economy is on the move.' This year he said, 'Where'd it go?'" --Jay Leno

"And that high-priced call girl, Ashley Dupre, the one that was having sex with Governor Spitzer, has reportedly lost a $1 million offer to pose nude because old nude photos have popped up on the Internet. So let that be a lesson to all you young women out there. Don't ever think of posing nude until after you're a successful hooker." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Willing to discuss dismantling systems of oppression (it was all about how nurses should have to look you in the eye during a sponge bath)

"Big story this week: Hillary was caught in a bit of a lie. When she was first lady, she went to Bosnia when it was war-torn. She said that she faced sniper fire -- never happened. And had to run to the car for cover -- never happened. If only she had channeled that active fantasy world into her marriage." --Bill Maher

"Whatever you think about Justice John Roberts, he is a serious jurist. His opinion ran 59 pages. Justice Ginsberg's opinion was 61 pages. The four dissenters, their opinion was 65 pages. Clarence Thomas -- 2 pages, and it was all about how nurses should have to look you in the eye during a sponge bath." –Bill Maher

 

"President Bush has arranged for al Qaeda to guard our ports. This is part of his new plan to fight them here so we don't have to fight them there." --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I have two houses, actually three if you count the Champagne Room at Flashdancers (Awake but incoherent)

"It was so nice today in New York City that John McCain is buying a house here. Last week, they asked John McCain, they said, how many houses do you own, he said, 'I'll have to get back to you.' And I was thinking about this, I have two houses, actually three if you count the 'Champagne Room' at Flashdancers." --David Letterman

"Did you hear about Hillary Clinton? Apparently, now they caught her exaggerating about a trip to Bosnia a few years ago. Did you hear about this? Well, people, when they heard her explanation of the trip, they became suspicious because she said when she got to Bosnia, after they got to the base, she had to have shrapnel removed from her pantsuit." --David Letterman

"And they make a big deal about everything. She was talking about she was visiting Bosnia and they had to crawl to the airport under sniper fire. And they did out the footage and everything was like [on screen: Letterman imitating Hillary smiling and waving]. 'Hey, how ya doin'? Nice to see ya.' Well, she says the reason she said that was because of sleep deprivation. Sleep deprivation. So I'm thinking, she'll be great on those 3 a.m. phone calls, won't she? Awake but incoherent." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Can a standup comedian, a woman rocker, and a tough drill-sergeant heal the war torn Balkans? (I want it in singles)

"Not such a great day for Hillary Clinton. Been caught telling a lie. Said when she landed in Bosnia 12 years ago, she was dodging bullets. Comedian Sinbad broke the story. Nothing says great journalism to me like the co-star of 'Jingle all the Way.' Sinbad went on a trip to Bosnia with Sheryl Crow and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like a Movie of the Week on Lifetime or something. 'Can a standup comedian, a woman rocker, and a tough drill-sergeant heal the war torn Balkans?'" --Craig Ferguson

 

"Crazy if Hillary's campaign is derailed by a comedian. It has happened before. When John McCain first ran for the Senate, he was called a liar by the most famous comedian of that time: Mark Twain." --Craig Ferguson

Hillary Clinton is having money problems. To keep her campaign alive, she had to spend $5 million of her family's money. Bill Clinton was very upset. Five million dollars is two months at the strip club. He said, "Damn it Hillary I want that money back and I want it in singles." --Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Bush administration -- today (coming up with a believable story)

 

"Tom DeLay will still get to collect over a million dollars in congressional pension money. This is what's so great about Congress. It is the only place in the world where robbers get to keep the money." --Jay Leno

"As you know, Hillary Clinton is now blaming her embellishment of her Bosnia trip on lack of sleep. See, that's the difference between Hillary and Bill right there. After a night of no sleep, Bill never had a problem coming up with a believable story." -- Jay Leno

"The deputy secretary for the Department of Homeland Security was arrested after he tried to seduce a 14-year-old girl online, who was actually an undercover detective. I think the terror alert has been raised to creepy. Homeland Security? We need home room security. This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Bush administration -- today." --Jay Leno

 

"Saddam Hussein ended his hunger strike after just one missed meal. I think he finally realized a hunger strike only works if people don't want you to die." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

George W. Bush Action Figures! (Awake but incoherent)

"And they make a big deal about everything. She was talking about she was visiting Bosnia and they had to crawl to the airport under sniper fire. And they did out the footage and every thing was like [on screen: Letterman imitating Hillary smiling and waving]. 'Hey, how ya doin'? Nice to see ya.' Well, she says the reason she said that was because of sleep deprivation. Sleep deprivation. So I'm thinking, she'll be great on those 3 a.m. phone calls, won't she? Awake but incoherent." --David Letterman

"Now in the primary itself, this weekend, Obama wooed Pennsylvania's blue collar bowling vote by hitting the lanes [on screen: Obama throws a gutterball]. Actually hitting the sides of the lanes. Out of a possible score of 300, the Illinois senator scored a 37. He should have tried rolling it through his legs, like my six-year-old. It was the most disgraceful act of bowling by a politician since President Richard Nixon secretly dropped bowling balls on Cambodia." --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

If a sniper fires a gun in the woods and nobody's around, does Hillary Clinton still hear it?

"Here's kind of a philosophical question: If a sniper fires a gun in the woods and nobody's around, does Hillary Clinton still hear it?" -- Jay Leno

"As you know, Hillary Clinton now blaming her embellishment of her Bosnia trip on lack of sleep. See, that's the difference between Hillary and Bill right there. After a night of no sleep, Bill never had a problem coming up with a believable story." -- Jay Leno

"It looks like there's a little more fudging of Hillary's records. Remember when she said she was deeply involved in the Irish Peace Process? Turns out, she just saw 'Lord of the Dance.'" -- Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

If only she had channeled that active fantasy world into her marriage

 "This is what he said in his speech yesterday -- I'm not kidding about this. He said things are good in Iraq because when you fly over it, you can see soccer games. What you can't see from that level is that they're being played with a human head." --Bill Maher

 "The fighting, apparently, is so fierce and the bullets are flying so fast and furious, they might have to pull the Marines out and send in Hillary, Chelsea and Sinbad." --Bill Maher

 "Big story this week: Hillary was caught in a bit of a lie. When she was first lady, she went to Bosnia when it was war-torn. She said that she faced sniper fire -- never happened. And had to run to the car for cover -- never happened. If only she had channeled that active fantasy world into her marriage." --Bill Maher

 http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

Oh, man. In guy world, that is the lowest! (Lou Dobbs head explodes)

"Hey, have you heard Hillary Clinton's new campaign slogan? 'Incoming!' Actually, new revelations about Hillary's trip to Bosnia. You know that whole thing? It turns out it was a misunderstanding. Now she says she went there looking to hire a sniper." --Jay Leno

"The White House is now outsourcing the manufacturing of our passports overseas. Our passports will now be made in foreign countries. See, this is how a global economy works. When an illegal immigrant from Mexico living in L.A. and working in a Japanese-owned company wants to go home to visit his relatives, he uses a passport made in Thailand that he gets by a calling customer service number in India. You see how it works? This could be the thing that makes Lou Dobbs' head explode." --Jay Leno

"More problems for Governor Eliot Spitzer. The New York Post reporting that he has been identified as a long-term client of a second call girl ring called Wicked Models, and his favorite call girl was $1,000 an hour, a girl named Kristin 'Billie' Davis. You know what this means? He was cheating on his hooker with another hooker. Oh, man. In guy world, that is the lowest!" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

he had been under cannon fire from the Confederates (Kevlar pantsuit)

"As you know, Hillary Clinton is coming under fire for claiming she was under fire while in Bosnia. Luckily, she was wearing her Kevlar pantsuit at the time." --Jay Leno

"No, Hillary now says that she just made an honest mistake when she said she had to duck sniper fire in Bosnia. There was no hostile fire of any kind. Although, ironically, while she was away, Bill Clinton did see some action." --Jay Leno

"Do you think this is a big deal? See, all candidates exaggerate. Remember when McCain ran in 2000? Remember that? He had to retract a claim that he had been under cannon fire from the Confederates." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

Can a standup comedian, a woman rocker, and a tough drill-sergeant heal the war-torn Balkans?

"Not such a great day for Hillary Clinton. Been caught telling a lie. Said when she landed in Bosnia 12 years ago, she was dodging bullets. Comedian Sinbad broke the story. Nothing says great journalism to me like the co-star of 'Jingle all the Way.' Sinbad went on a trip to Bosnia with Sheryl Crow and Hillary Clinton. Sounds like a Movie of the Week on Lifetime or something. 'Can a standup comedian, a woman rocker, and a tough drill-sergeant heal the war-torn Balkans?'" --Craig Ferguson

"Crazy if Hillary's campaign is derailed by a comedian. It has happened before. When John McCain first ran for the Senate, he was called a liar by the most famous comedian of that time: Mark Twain." --Craig Ferguson

"Barack Obama called Hillary today to thank her for distracting everyone away from the whole crazy pastor thing. Obama's campaign is all about hope - hope Hillary keeps saying stupid crap and getting herself in trouble." --Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

she goes through husbands like New York goes through governors (shrapnel)

"Here's some news from Hollywood. You know Pamela Anderson? Well, she recently had her marriage annulled. Her marriage lasted two months. I mean, honest to God, she goes through husbands like New York goes through governors." --David Letterman

"Listen to this. Maybe you know somebody like this. A couple of 93-year-old guys living in Florida, and guess what, they're hiring prostitutes. 93 years old. This is what happens, by the way, when Medicare covers Viagra." --David Letterman

"Speaking of old guys, how about that John McCain? I like John McCain. He looks like the guy who gets frisky with the new waitress at IHOP. He looks like the guy who watches his Cadillac go through the car wash. He looks like the guy in the supermarket yelling into his cell phone, 'I'm in aisle three, Marge. I can't find the brownie mix.'" --David Letterman

 "Did you hear about this Hillary Clinton? Apparently, now they caught her exaggerating about a trip to Bosnia a few years ago. Did you hear about this? Well, people, when they heard her explanation of the trip, they became suspicious because she said when she got to Bosnia, after they got to the base, she had to have shrapnel removed from her pantsuit." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

if I knew there weren't any snipers, I wouldn't have sent her there in the first place.

"I'm a little upset. You know, Hillary Clinton was supposed to be our first guest tonight, but she got pinned down by sniper fire and was not able to come in." --Jay Leno

"Who would've guessed that Hillary would have more war stories than John McCain?" --Jay Leno

"Well, you know, Hillary Clinton's campaign is now saying she misspoke. She misspoke -- that's like a political word -- when she said last week that she landed under sniper fire during a trip to Bosnia as first lady. Turns out, it was gunfire on a trip to L.A. See, she got confused." --Jay Leno

"She now admits there were no snipers, yeah. And today, Bill Clinton said, 'Hey, if I knew there weren't any snipers, I wouldn't have sent her there in the first place.'" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

make sure your healthcare plan covers amnesia (my favorite flavor of pizza truck)

A 16-year-old boy in Bosnia broke a world record this week by smashing 111 concrete blocks with his head in 34 seconds. Get an Xbox! Get an Xbox — you don’t have to do that. When asked how it felt to break the world record, the boy said, “Lampshade tricycle is my favorite flavor of pizza truck.” –James Corden

President Trump told senators yesterday that they would make a deal on healthcare because “that’s such an easy one.” OK, well, just make sure your healthcare plan covers amnesia. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html