Now I know what it’s like to date Ted Kennedy (girl's night out)

In Beverly Hills this week, Michelle Obama had a girls night out with daughters Malia and Sasha. It's a switch. Usually when Michelle enjoys a girl's night out, it's with Barack. —Greg Gutfeld

Waymos has recalled nearly 4,000 robotaxis because of a glitch that caused the cars to drive into water. Soaked passengers say, "Now I know what it’s like to date Ted Kennedy.” —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

So better luck next time Harriet Tub-Man (over Colin Jost’s dead body)

There is speculation that the next pope could come from Africa, which would mean he'd have to travel over Colin Jost’s dead body. —Michael Che

Ye is accusing a Beverly Hills dentist of getting him addicted to nitrous oxide, which caused him extreme mental distress. The dentist apologized, saying he didn't realize he had the tank set to Nazi. —Michael Che

This week marks the anniversary of the end of the war in Vietnam. Also turning 50, a lot of half-white Vietnamese kids. —Michael Che

The US has announced a new series of $50 coins featuring Superheroes like Batman and Superman. So better luck next time Harriet Tub-Man. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it only looked 90 (So don't expect your presents from Santa until next April)

Today is the first day of summer. Or as my skin calls it, "Melanoma-palooza." In Beverly Hills it was 108. Of course, because it was Beverly Hills, it only looked 90. –Conan O’Brien

"The Christmas-themed town of North Pole, Alaska, has officially approved marijuana dispensaries. So don't expect your presents from Santa until next April." –Conan O'Brien

Today members of the conservative Christian clergy met with Donald Trump. They came out of the meeting proclaiming "THERE IS NO GOD!" –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So don't expect your presents from Santa until next April (waist deep in gasoline)

Today is the first day of summer. Or as my skin calls it, Melanoma-palooza. In Beverly Hills it was 108. Of course, because it was Beverly Hills, it only looked 90. –Conan O’Brien

Today members of the conservative Christian clergy met with Donald Trump. They came out of the meeting proclaiming "THERE IS NO GOD!" –Conan O’Brien

"The Christmas-themed town of North Pole, Alaska, has officially approved marijuana dispensaries. So don't expect your presents from Santa until next April." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

94% of Americans don't trust the mainstream media (It’s like a Detroit Lions game)

We are in the midst of a hell-like heat wave on the West Coast. The temperature hit 112 in Beverly Hills yesterday. That's dangerous. Many residents of Beverly Hills are made of materials that melt at temperatures like that. –Jimmy Kimmel

“Tokyo residents will be allowed to go to the Games but will not be allowed to cheer and they have to go straight home after. Whoever came up with these rules should win the gold medal for buzzkill. Can you imagine going to a live sporting event with no cheering allowed? It’s like a Detroit Lions game.” —Jimmy Kimmel

John Kelly also reportedly said he doesn't care if Trump gets impeached. You know, being Donald Trump's chief of staff is kind of like being his wife. You'll never see him, you have no control over what he does, and it's only a matter of time until he trades you in for a new one. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

There's a bad side to this. If you need Batman, you have to text him (the rough part of Beverly Hills)

"Mitt's wife Ann Romney, Mrs. Mitt, said there's another Mitt Romney that is wild and crazy. She says that one time he changed his name to Mitta World Peace." –David Letterman

"To save energy, New York City is now dimming the lights of the skyscrapers and the skyline at night. There's a bad side to this. If you need Batman, you have to text him." –David Letterman

"President Obama visited Afghanistan — unplanned, unannounced, just went right to Afghanistan. Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney got in his car and drove through the rough part of Beverly Hills." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

You know, for when you want to be chill about how rich you are (I'm the victim here!)

Luxury department store Barney's partnered with a cannabis company to open a high-end boutique in Beverly Hills where customers can buy accessories such as glass bongs and cannabis-infused candles. You know, for when you want to be chill about how rich you are. --Seth Meyers

Starting next month, people in Australia will be able to personalize their license plates using emojis, which could complicate things for the police. "We got a blue sedan with license plate laughing man, crying man, dancing lady, little guy with a dollar bill for a tongue, cat with heart eyes, and eggplant. Copy?" --Seth Meyers

An unopened copy of the 1985 video game "Super Mario Bros." recently sold at auction for over $100,000, and when the buyer's wife found out, she moved to another castle. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I like to think of them as the world's newest oldlyweds (Why can't I get separated?)

We are in the midst of a hell-like heat wave on the West Coast. The temperature hit 112 in Beverly Hills yesterday. That's dangerous. Many residents of Beverly Hills are made of materials that melt at temperatures like that. –Jimmy Kimmel

It was a devastating loss for Cavs superstar LeBron James. He lost both the NBA Finals and 40 percent of his hairline. It's times like these when it really helps that you make $65 million a year. –Jimmy Kimmel

In England, the world's oldest bride and groom tied the knot. She's 91, he's 103. Men are unbelievable. He couldn't find someone his own age? They're the world's oldest newlyweds, but I like to think of them as the world's newest oldlyweds. –Jimmy Kimmel

This is not a popular immigration policy — 67% of Americans oppose it. Even Melania released a statement saying she hates to see families separated. Partly because it makes her jealous. “Why can't I get separated?” --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Republicans are so paranoid, today Chris Christie sent back his chimichanga (Promise vs Reality)

"According to a new study, the number of car crashes linked to marijuana has risen. Fortunately, when the cars crashed they were all going eight miles per hour." –Conan O'Brien

"Since House Majority Leader Eric Cantor lost to an anti-immigration candidate, many Republicans are feeling pressure to take a harder stance on immigration. In fact, the Republicans are so paranoid, today Chris Christie sent back his chimichanga." –Conan O'Brien

"Pope Francis has pledged to remain neutral during the World Cup. When asked why, the Pope said, 'I picked the Miami Heat and look how that turned out.'" –Conan O'Brien

Today is the first day of summer. Or as my skin calls it, "Melanoma-palooza." In Beverly Hills it was 108. Of course, because it was Beverly Hills, it only looked 90. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Who are you and what have you done with the real Bill Clinton? (taking sides)

 

"Some financial analysts are saying we're bailing out institutions with money we don't have, which makes the dollar even more worthless. In fact, today, God said, 'Could you take my name off the money?" --Jay Leno

"And in an interview recorded by the BBC in Africa, Bill Clinton told people in Africa to practice monogamy and that we need to control unprotected sexual relations with unlimited numbers of partners. In fact, the minute he said that, the Secret Service wrestled him to the ground and said, 'Who are you and what have you done with the real Bill Clinton?'" –Jay Leno

 

"And another day, another federal bailout. This is unbelievable to me. The Federal Reserve has just loaned the AIG Insurance Company $85 billion to keep it afloat. $85 billion. That is almost as much money as Barack Obama raised last night in Beverly Hills." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Republicans are going to celebrate this by throwing big parties and leaving the bill for Democrats to pay (what it's like to be a mummy)

‎"These days it seems like you can't have an armed street mob without it turning ugly." –Stephen Colbert

"Sunday is the 100th birthday of Ronald Reagan, and all over America, Republicans are going to celebrate this by throwing big parties and leaving the bill for Democrats to pay." –Bill Maher

"All of the Arab potentates and their fat cat entourages are on the run. Tunisia's president is leaving, Mubarak is not going to run for re-election, the guy in Yemen is going to leave. This is great news -- not necessarily for the Middle East, but for real estate agents in Beverly Hills." –Bill Maher

"President Obama invited John McCain to the White House to give his opinion on Egypt, specifically what it's like to be a mummy." –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

she spent her high school history class looking off to the right of the blackboard (you know, except for those)

"The Egyptian protesters are using Facebook to get away from the police, but the police are using Farmville to build fences to keep the protesters in." –Jay Leno

"Rep. Michele Bachmann created controversy when she said in a speech that the Founding Fathers worked tirelessly until slavery was no more. Apparently she spent her high school history class looking off to the right of the blackboard." –Seth Meyers 

"And another day, another federal bailout. This is unbelievable to me. The Federal Reserve has just loaned the AIG Insurance Company $85 billion to keep it afloat. $85 billion. That is almost as much money as Barack Obama raised last night in Beverly Hills." --Jay Leno

"And as you know, the McCain campaign is running that commercial where they're comparing Barack Obama to various Hollywood celebrities. And as you know, if there's one thing the Republicans will not stand for, it's electing some Hollywood celebrity to public office. Except for Ronald Reagan, Fred Thompson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Clint Eastwood -- you know, except for those." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

You know, for when you want to be chill about how rich you are (Fine! Take the armrest!)

Luxury department store Barney's partnered with a cannabis company to open a high-end boutique in Beverly Hills where customers can buy accessories such as glass bongs and cannabis-infused candles. You know, for when you want to be chill about how rich you are. --Seth Meyers

Starting next month, people in Australia will be able to personalize their license plates using emojis, which could complicate things for the police. "We got a blue sedan with license plate laughing man, crying man, dancing lady, little guy with a dollar bill for a tongue, cat with heart eyes, and eggplant. Copy?" --Seth Meyers

A woman gave birth aboard a JetBlue flight to Florida this weekend. Said the man next to her, "Fine! Take the armrest!" --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I think I'd have a drink too if I had to check Donald Trump's prostate (new housewives of Beverly Hills)

Donald Trump's White House doctor, who Trump nominated for secretary of Veteran's Affairs, is having trouble getting confirmed by Congress. Dr. Ronny Jackson is being accused of overseeing a hostile workplace, over-prescribing drugs, and even drinking on the job. Then again, I got to say, I think I'd have a drink too if I had to check Donald Trump's prostate. --James Corden

A hostile workplace, prescription drugs, and day drinking? On the bright side, today Ronny Jackson was named as one of the new housewives of Beverly Hills. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

How do you have $1 trillion and still get into financial trouble? (too much of a risk)

"And another day, another federal bailout. This is unbelievable to me. The Federal Reserve has just loaned the AIG Insurance Company $85 billion to keep it afloat. $85 billion. That is almost as much money as Barack Obama raised last night in Beverly Hills." --Jay Leno



"Let me ask you, why are we bailing out an insurance company? I mean, what's the first thing an insurance company does when you have a loss? They cancel your policy, right? That's what we should do, cancel their policy. 'Ooh, sorry, you're too much of a risk.'" --Jay Leno

"And AIG has assets of over $1 trillion. Not billion, $1 trillion. How do you have $1 trillion and still get into financial trouble?" --Jay Leno



http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535 #Bernie2020

Of course, because it was Beverly Hills, it only looked 90 (Canada or Mexico)

Today is the first day of summer. Or as my skin calls it, "Melanoma-palooza." In Beverly Hills it was 108. Of course, because it was Beverly Hills, it only looked 90. –Conan O’Brien

A new poll came out and it claims that 25 percent of voters remain undecided. Apparently, they’re undecided on whether to move to Canada or Mexico. –Conan O’Brien

We are in the midst of a hell-like heat wave on the West Coast. The temperature hit 112 in Beverly Hills yesterday. That's dangerous. Many residents of Beverly Hills are made of materials that melt at temperatures like that. –Jimmy Kimmel