Jimmy Dore: Jokes of the Week - October 5, 2014

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You have to wait until we say 'Go!', Governor Christie. (Cool, at least they think we do something)

"Congrats to Joey Chestnut. On Friday he won the Fourth of July Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest by eating 61 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Another guy said, 'But I ate a hundred!' Then the judges said, 'You have to wait until we say 'Go!', Governor Christie.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Conservative rock star Ted Nugent says that he is thinking about running for president in 2016. Nugent said it's always been his dream. Then Democrats said, 'Ours too!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that 77 percent of Americans think politicians do serious harm to the country. Politicians are like, 'Cool, at least they think we do something.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

in his defense, the law is complicated, and he is only a Supreme Court justice (Game of Thrones cosplay character)

April 2023

“Last week, we learned that Clarence Thomas had secretly accepted luxury trips from right-wing billionaire Harlan Crow. And that’s his actual name, not his ‘Game of Thrones’ cosplay character.” —Jordan Klepper

“On top of that, Clarence Thomas’s mom is still living in that house rent-free, and Harlan Crow is paying for thousands of dollars of renovations. All of which Clarence Thomas should have disclosed by law — although, in his defense, the law is complicated, and he is only a Supreme Court justice.” —Jordan Klepper

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A field guide to war-mongering draft dodgers (Hear ye, hear ye)

January 2023

“Here in New York City, we're just a few days away from breaking the record for the longest stretch of winter without snow. It’s weird. It's like Mother Nature is doing dry January. I miss the snow. It's just not the same taking your kids sledding down a pile of trash bags.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Everyone's still talking about all the classified documents that keep popping up, and now spokespeople are saying that until the end of their terms, all classified documents were returned by Obama, Bush, and Clinton. In other words, we're five minutes away from learning that they found documents at the homes of Obama, Bush, and Clinton. Meanwhile, when asked if he had any classified documents, Dick Cheney put his heart in sleep mode.” —Jimmy Fallon

“I read that King Charles’ real-estate firm is suing Twitter for failing to pay rent at their London office. You know your landlord is the king when your eviction notice starts with the phrase, ‘Hear ye, hear ye.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump was even going to have Tebow throw his signature hats into the crowd, but he wasn't sure they'd make it (Ours too!)

"Rush Limbaugh just sold his penthouse in New York for $11 million. The apartment is amazing. It has a 24-hour doorman and a 24-hour pharmacy." –Jimmy Fallon

"Conservative rock star Ted Nugent says that he is thinking about running for president in 2016. Nugent said it's always been his dream. Then Democrats said, 'Ours too!'" –Jimmy Fallon

Former quarterback Tim Tebow is scheduled to speak at next week's Republican Convention. Trump was even going to have Tebow throw his signature hats into the crowd, but he wasn't sure they'd make it. –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's a good strategy (Ours too!)

July 2013

"President Obama told a group of kids that broccoli is his favorite food. Then he said, 'Is Michelle gone? Cool, it's actually Skittles.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Conservative rock star Ted Nugent says that he is thinking about running for president in 2016. Nugent said it's always been his dream. Then Democrats said, 'Ours too!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a report from Pakistan, Osama bin Laden wore a big cowboy hat when he walked around his compound to shield him from being seen by U.S. drones. That's a good strategy. The Lone Ranger wears a cowboy hat, and nobody has seen him anywhere." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

because you tore the [expletive] out of your good pants rock-climbing on peyote (Side note here)

July 2021

“During a visit to the White House yesterday, pop star Olivia Rodrigo made a surprise appearance at the afternoon press briefing to help promote youth vaccinations, which should have a big impact on the millions of teens who watch the White House press briefings.” —Seth Meyers

“Side note here — it’s nice to see a real celebrity at the White House after the last four years, when the previous president could only manage to dig up the likes of Ted Nugent or Scott Baio.” —Seth Meyers

“Joe Biden’s got huge celebrities helping him out with an unprecedented nationwide campaign to get Americans vaccinated against a deadly disease, and all Trump could muster was 18 holes with Kid Rock and his flag pants, which look like something you buy for six bucks at a truck stop because you tore the [expletive] out of your good pants rock-climbing on peyote.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

and needs to be fought with the fervor of a starving raccoon on crystal meth (but ridiculous nevertheless)

April 2012

"Newt Gingrich is still receiving Secret Service protection. What are they protecting him from? Reality?" –Bill Maher

"Newt Gingrich was campaigning at a zoo this week and he was bitten by a penguin. Newt Gingrich is always campaigning at zoos. Mitt Romney once did a photo op at a zoo. That was a big mistake, because he stood next to the chameleon, and he changed colors." –Bill Maher

"Yesterday the Secret Service said they’re interviewing rock star Ted Nugent because of remarks that he made that made them think he might be threatening the President’s life. Now look, I don’t agree with Ted Nugent on almost anything. But to call him a threat is ridiculous. Not as ridiculous as to call him a rock star, but ridiculous nevertheless." –Bill Maher

"I think the Republican Party is at war with common sense. I think if the Democrats came out against eating yellow snow, Rick Perry would eat yellow snow." –Bill Maher, regarding Rick Perry and other Republican governors eating hamburgers with "pink slime"

"I think Republicans live in a world now where whatever a liberal says, no matter how sensible, is automatically evil, wrong, and needs to be fought with the fervor of a starving raccoon on crystal meth." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is turning into the worst year of Ted Nugent’s life (Oh, I Kushed it)

August 2020

“New York’s attorney general, Letitia James, sued to shut down the National Rifle Association. Wow, the NRA as we know it could be gone – aww, thoughts and prayers. We’ll work on helping but not right now, it’s just too soon. Right now the NRA is in so much trouble even Trump is afraid to wish them well. The lawsuit alleges that senior leaders used the formidable gun lobby group as their personal piggy bank and illegally diverted millions from its charitable work toward executive excess such as a family trips and private jets. The case could derail the 5-million-member group, which is why the Senate majority leader, Mitch McConnell, a frequent recipient of NRA funding, was seen breathing into his neck like it was a paper bag. —Jimmy Fallon

“That’s right, no more N.R.A., no more Confederate flags. This is turning into the worst year of Ted Nugent’s life.” —Jimmy Fallon

“And to make sure it dissolves, she’s going to put Jared Kushner in charge of the NRA. [Imitating Jared Kushner] ‘You can count on me — oh, no. Oh, you guys, bad news. Oh, I Kushed it.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Some Gave All! Some Dodged! (We were just following orders!)

A school district in Wisconsin is investigating a picture on social media of a group of high school boys giving the Nazi salute, who claimed they only did it because the photographer asked them to. Though it's never a good sign when your defense is literally, [German accent] "We were just following orders!" --Seth Meyers

A bed slept in by Bill Clinton will be sold at an auction this weekend, but before you waste your money, most beds have been slept in by Bill Clinton. Don’t throw your money away. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

The secret ingredient is changing the subject (Buck's famous scrambled eggs!)

When asked to give himself a letter grade, Trump showed his trademark humility: [Trump clip] “I would give myself an A-plus. Nobody has done what I’ve been able to do, and I did it despite the fact that I have a phony cloud over my head that doesn’t exist.” Sir, that’s not a phony cloud — that’s your hair. --Stephen Colbert

This interview was insane. It was rambling. It was so loud. It sounded like he was shouting the whole time. I just had the image of an unbathed Donald Trump shambling around in his bathrobe. Neither “Fox” nor “Friend” could get a word in edgewise. --Stephen Colbert

But in their defense, they had to rush the leader of the free world off the phone to get to their actual next news segment: "Buck's famous scrambled eggs!" The secret ingredient is changing the subject. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Now she can finally tell us more stories about Donald Trump doing sex (Shh! Michael! Don't give them any ideas!)

But, hey, maybe Cohen won't flip. We're talking about the guy who tweeted earlier this month that he will "always protect" Trump, and said in an interview, "I'm the guy who would take a bullet for the president." Shh! Michael! Don't give them any ideas! --Stephen Colbert

Meanwhile, the women that Cohen worked so hard to keep quiet are getting out of their agreements. Former Playboy model Karen McDougal, who claims to have had a 10-month affair with Donald Trump, has just settled a lawsuit with the owner of the National Enquirer that kept her from publicly discussing the relationship. Great. Now she can finally tell us more stories about Donald Trump doing sex. Yay? --Stephen Colbert

I'm sure you've been following the big Starbucks controversy. Which reminds me, I've noticed you've all been sitting here for a while and haven't purchased anything. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

It would also give them a new slogan: 'O for 2' (Ted Nugent still has concerts?)

"Hillary Clinton came out this week and said what we all know, which is if there was another terrorist attack, it would only help the Republicans maintain the White House. It would also give them a new slogan: 'O for 2.'" --Bill Maher

"Ted Nugent was giving a concert and he held up a machine gun and made veiled threats about Hillary and Barack Obama. I find this shocking. Ted Nugent still has concerts?" --Bill Maher

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

You'd think that would be worth something (banned from the Waffle House)

Time magazine today released its annual list of the “100 Most-Influential People in the World.” Making the list this year, Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, Pope Francis, James Comey, and of course, Donald Trump. Hillary Clinton did not make the list. Which is really crazy. Hillary Clinton influenced a whole half of a country to vote for Donald Trump for president. You'd think that would be worth something. –Jimmy Kimmel

Paul Ryan, speaker of the House, wrote the profile of Donald Trump. That's what they do, have famous people write the profile of other famous people. He said Trump always finds a way to get it done. He does? Other than his hair, what did he get done? Can't even get his wife to move in with him. –Jimmy Kimmel

Last night, President Trump had a very important meeting in the Oval Office with Ted Nugent and Kid Rock. How the hell did they get into the White House? Kid Rock is not even allowed in a Waffle House. –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

The dinner was interrupted when an episode of "Cops" broke out (Bon Voyage!)

Sarah Palin visited the White House last night along with Ted Nugent and Kid Rock. All three expressed their regrets that Honey Boo Boo couldn't make it. –Conan O’Brien

Last night, Donald Trump hosted a dinner at the White House that was attended by Sarah Palin, Ted Nugent, and Kid Rock. The dinner was interrupted when an episode of "Cops" broke out. –Conan O’Brien

Today is 4/20. 4/20 is that special day of the year when everyone who smokes pot continues to smoke pot. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

Well, screw the money. Just give us the weed (The redneck Holy Trinity)

In honor of 4/20, Ben and Jerry's introduced a new menu item that's an ice cream waffle cone taco with fudge called a "Choloco." Or as stoners put it, "You had us at ice cream . . . And then you had us at waffle and then cone and then taco!" –Jimmy Fallon

 Legal marijuana in South Dakota could help boost funding for teachers. And teachers said, "Well, screw the money. Just give us the weed." –Jimmy Fallon

Last night, Sarah Palin, Ted Nugent, and Kid Rock met with Trump in the Oval Office — or as they're more commonly known, "The redneck Holy Trinity." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

Is this about that speeding ticket?

"Osama bin Laden once got a speeding ticket in Pakistan. This guy had no respect for the law! When SEAL Team 6 broke into the house, he said to them, 'Is this about that speeding ticket?'" –David Letterman 





"Conservative rock star Ted Nugent says that he is thinking about running for president in 2016. Nugent said it's always been his dream. Then Democrats said, 'Ours too!'" –Jimmy Fallon 

Romney stood next to the chameleon and he changed colors

"Yesterday the Secret Service said they’re interviewing rock star Ted Nugent because of remarks that he made that made them think he might be threatening the President’s life. Now look, I don’t agree with Ted Nugent on almost anything. But to call him a threat is ridiculous. Not as ridiculous as to call him a rock star, but ridiculous nevertheless." –Bill Maher



"Newt Gingrich still receiving Secret Service protection. What are they protecting him from? Reality?" –Bill Maher



"Newt Gingrich was campaigning at a zoo this week and he was bitten by a penguin. Newt Gingrich is always campaigning at zoos. Mitt Romney once did a photo op at a zoo. That was a big mistake, because he stood next to the chameleon, and he changed colors." –Bill Maher





John Hulse painting