I only date bodybuilders (she switched out her torch with a bowling ball)

Kamala Harris released her annual Pride Month message and she plans on celebrating all month by not seeing straight. How's that any different? —Greg Gutfeld 

To celebrate Pride Month, the Empire State Building is illuminated in rainbow colors. Not to be outdone, the Statue of Liberty traded her robes for a nice flannel and switched out her torch with a bowling ball. —Greg Gutfeld 

Scientists are working on three different vaccines for Ebola as the virus rages in Africa. These medicines are no different than the COVID vaccine, which stops the disease from spreading by killing you with a heart attack. I don't know if that's true. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I think we’re getting pulled over by that building! (not while you’re doing 90 on the freeway)

“Last night, the Empire State Building lit up like a siren to honor the medical workers serving on the front line of the epidemic. This might be a good idea when they first pitched it, but as someone who lives in New York, it was terrifying. The Empire State Building, the giant light flashing around — and can you imagine if someone was high in their living room? They must have freaked out. ‘[Expletive], dude! I think we’re getting pulled over by that building!’” — Trevor Noah

“Donald Trump for the first time at least sounds like he’s afraid of this virus. And if he’s taking it seriously, then we should be really scared. Because I mean, this guy takes nothing seriously. This is the same dude who stared at an eclipse like it was a magic eye painting. The same dude who sang Hakuna Matata when he assassinated an Iranian general. The same dude who responded to a hurricane with a paper towel three-point contest. So this is a side of Donald Trump we don’t often get. I haven’t seen Trump this somber since Maury told him that he was Eric’s father.” —Trevor Noah

“And even if you don’t think the World Health Organization is perfect, in the middle of the pandemic — is not a good time to cut funding from a group that is an integral part of fighting coronavirus. Yes, the organization is not perfect, but this is not the time to cut them off. It’s the same reason you don’t give your Uber driver one star during the ride. You do that [expletive] after you are safe at home, not while you’re doing 90 on the freeway.” — Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Tom Brady came out of retirement just to huddle with the guys (six inches shorter than normal)

February 2023

“This weekend, the Northeast could be hit with the coldest weather in decades, with temperatures dropping as low as minus 40 degrees. It is so cold that President Biden’s burning classified documents just to stay warm.” —Jimmy Fallon

“It is so cold, Tom Brady came out of retirement just to huddle with the guys. You know what I mean?” —Jimmy Fallon

“It is so cold, everyone looks like they're in "Avatar" -- everyone. —Jimmy Fallon

“It is so cold, the Empire State Building is six inches shorter than normal.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

try not to make him into a bong (Wow, it sounds like there's no downside!)

"Muslim law condemns any artistic rendering of the prophet Mohammed, kind of like the Christian commandment against taking the lord's name in vain, or the unspoken Buddhist rule, try not to make him into a bong." --Jon Stewart

"Adding insult to injury, one of the reasons New York's funding was cut is that, according to Homeland Security's analysis of potential terror targets, the number of New York's national icons and monuments is zero. In the report, the Brooklyn Bridge -- the world's first steel wire suspension bridge -- was classified merely as a 'bridge.' The Empire State building is referred to simply as 'tall office building.' And as for the Statue of Liberty, the Department of Homeland Security has recently classified her as 'a giant, green water whore.'" --Jon Stewart

 

"This week, the United States Military Academy announced it had discovered an al Qaeda employment contract, detailing the benefits of joining the group. Membership does have its privileges. Married males receive 6500 rupees and a week's vacation for every three weeks work. Wow, it sounds like there's no downside! Oh, wait, the retirement plan." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And also, they weren’t reporters. They were doctors (that explains why Scooby-Doo is now a rescue Pit bull)

October 2022

President Biden was heard criticizing reporters at the White House for shouting questions at him. Questions like, ‘What year is it?’ And ‘Whose the current president?’ And also, they weren’t reporters. They were doctors. —Colin Jost

Planned Parenthood is going to open up its first mobile clinic in the country and it is going to go anywhere in the country where Herschel Walker has visited. —Colin Jost

The Empire State Building lit up blue and white to celebrate Aaron Judge hitting his record 62nd home run of the season, while over in Queens, a port-a-potty was set on fire in honor of the Mets blowing the division. —Colin Jost

In a new Scooby-Doo Halloween special, the character Velma is openly depicted a s a lesbian, and that explains why Scooby-Doo is now a rescue Pit bull. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I think we’re getting pulled over by that building! (Ah, finally! That bush was so annoying)

“Last night, the Empire State Building lit up like a siren to honor the medical workers serving on the front line of the epidemic. This might be a good idea when they first pitched it, but as someone who lives in New York, it was terrifying. The Empire State Building, the giant light flashing around — and can you imagine if someone was high in their living room? They must have freaked out. ‘[Expletive], dude! I think we’re getting pulled over by that building!’” — Trevor Noah

“President Trump was warned about coronavirus by his advisers as early as Jan. 18 — and he dismissed it for months. So as much as Trump wants to blame China for downplaying the virus, he himself ignored all the messages that his experts were giving him. And he didn’t ignore them once, he didn’t ignore them twice, he ignored them countless times. Like if we were back in Bible times, Trump would have heard the burning bush and then just thrown water on it. [imitating Trump] ‘Ah, finally! That bush was so annoying.’” — Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Do not leave the house unless you absolutely need to buy weed (the Empire State Building shrunk 50 floors)

It’s so cold that earlier today the Empire State Building shrunk 50 floors. It is so cold, Trump is actually enjoying being burned by Nancy Pelosi. --Jimmy Fallon

An 80-year-old crossing guard in Iowa said the cold won't stop him from doing his job. Then his boss said, "Nothing stops him. We fired that guy 40 years ago." Get lost! --Jimmy Fallon

Today was also bitterly cold in the Northeast, with lows in the single digits. And I cannot stress this part enough, okay? Do not leave the house unless you absolutely need to buy weed. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the terrible decision to let Toyota design the luge (The Angel of Duh himself)

"A couple of days ago, there was the annual race, people come from all over the world, and they race up the stairs of the Empire State Building. Wait a minute. You want to get your heart racing, you really want to get it pump pumping? Do what I do. Drive to work in a Toyota." –David Letterman

"You know about this big Toyota recall? And things are dangerous, and I'm coming to work in my car. Here's how scary it is. The navigation lady was actually praying." –David Letterman

"Balloons dropped because Dick Cheney had his millionth heart attack. And who came by yesterday to cheer him up? The Angel of Duh himself, George Bush. They sat together, and Bush said he had spent the last year working on his book. I swear. Hard to believe Bush has a book. But if you buy Cheney has a heart…" –Bill Maher

"The Olympic Games were fun, but there were some high-profile mistakes, come on. Admit it. Like the terrible decision to let Toyota design the luge." –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

nine minutes short of breaking the record (most people watched it on mute)

Last night was President Trump's first State of the Union address. Some people watched it on NBC. Some people watched it on CNN. While most people watched it on mute. --Jimmy Fallon

Trump's speech fell nine minutes short of breaking President Clinton's record for the longest State of the Union. And when he heard that, Trump grabbed the mic and spent 10 minutes reading the iTunes user agreement.  --Jimmy Fallon

He also said America is a nation of builders, and that we built the Empire State Building in just one year. Then he ruined it by congratulating Bob the Builder. --Jimmy Fallon

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Charlie Sheen to define monogamy (giant green water whore)

"Adding insult to injury, one of the reasons New York's funding was cut is that, according to Homeland Security's analysis of potential terror targets, the number of New York's national icons and monuments is zero. In the report, the Brooklyn Bridge -- the world's first steel wire suspension bridge -- was classified merely as a 'bridge.' The Empire State building is referred to simply as 'tall office building.' And as for the Statue of Liberty, the Department of Homeland Security has recently classified her as 'a giant, green water whore.'" --Jon Stewart

"Bill Clinton is writing a book designed to encourage Americans to become more active in their communities. Clinton's book is called 'Don't Just Lay There.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Senate has rejected the gay marriage ban. When you think about it, do you really want Congress defining marriage? That's like asking Charlie Sheen to define monogamy." --Jay Leno

a giant, green water whore (Omaha bin Laden)

"Let's begin tonight right here in New York, New York. The city's so nice, it was attacked by international terrorists twice. So naturally, last week, the Department of Homeland Security announced a cut in anti-terrorism grants to New York and Washington, D.C. by 40%. Now to some, cutting anti-terror money to the two cities that have already suffered major terrorist attacks might sound, I don't know, insane. So, if New York's funding is being slashed, where is all the money going? Apparently, it's being used to boost the defense budgets of terrorist hot spots like Charlotte, Louisville and Omaha, Nebraska. Apparently, Homeland Security distributes the terror funds on the basis of what item your city has the world's largest ball of. Now, I can understand the concern over Omaha. That city is of course under constant threat from renowned Midwestern terrorist Omaha bin Laden." --Jon Stewart

"Adding insult to injury, one of the reasons New York's funding was cut is that, according to Homeland Security's analysis of potential terror targets, the number of New York's national icons and monuments is zero. In the report, the Brooklyn Bridge -- the world's first steel wire suspension bridge -- was classified merely as a 'bridge.' The Empire State building is referred to simply as 'tall office building.' And as for the Statue of Liberty, the Department of Homeland Security has recently classified her as 'a giant, green water whore.'" --Jon Stewart