And every single time it turns out they lied (Panic Room)

"The heat wave is breaking records all across America. It was so hot in Washington, people are sweating like President Bush trying to spell Hezbollah." --Jay Leno

"In movie news, the movie 'Panic Room 2' is now in development. The whole thing is gonna be filmed at Hillary Clinton's campaign headquarters." --Jay Leno

“Newt Gingrich has been attacking Mitt Romney for being wealthy and having money in bank accounts in the Cayman Islands. See, that’s when you know you’re part of the top 1 percent, when your bank’s address has the word ‘island’ in it.” –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Turn off the music, and no girls (I think we found the guy for Ann Coulter)

 

"The leader of Hezbollah says he's throwing a victory party in honor of their victory over Israel. Well that should be fun--a party thrown by Muslim extremists -- 'Who wants some more goat? Turn off the music, and no girls'." --Jay Leno

"The president of Iran said today that all the liberals should be kicked out of all universities. I think we found the guy for Ann Coulter." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, it proves what I've been saying about this conflict all along -- it's a win-win (but let's not think about it)

"The ground fighting is only one front in the war between Israel

and Hezbollah. There's also the propaganda war. Today

Hezbollah claimed the month of fighting represented divine

victory. Israel claimed it had achieved many of its military

objectives. So, it proves what I've been saying about this

conflict all along -- it's a win-win." --Jon Stewart

"The stem cell research bill passed both houses of Congress, but yesterday, the president vetoed the bill surrounded by the so-called snowflake children. So named because no two are alike, and they're all white. Snowflake children are the product of frozen embryos that were adopted rather than discarded. They were there to illustrate why embryonic stem cell research is wrong, even though those children wouldn't exist if not for intensive embryonic research, but let's not think about it." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Everybody Loves Hackalackal (So far, no word yet from Dan Fogelberg)

"Tense situation right now in the Middle East. Earlier today, Israel completely destroyed Hezbollah's TV station in Lebanon. The attack occurred half way through an episode of 'Everybody Loves Hackalackal.'" --Conan O'Brien

"I don't know if you have seen this. It's everywhere. They have a controversial photo of Barack Obama wearing a turban. It's been circulating on the Internet. Yeah, the turban photo should help Obama with a key group of voters, the New York taxi drivers." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Pope Benedict was severely criticized for his anti-Muslim remarks by 1970's singer Cat Stevens. So far, no word yet from Dan Fogelberg." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Ironically, after he suggested that she should star in G.I. Jane 2 (National No-Bra Day)

Even world leaders who could be making the situation in the Middle East better are making it worse. Former President Donald Trump went out of his way to praise the terrorist group Hezbollah calling them quote “very smart.” In Trump’s defense, he thinks Hezbollah is the genie from Aladdin. —Colin Jost

In a new interview, Jada Pickett Smith reveals that she and husband Will Smith have actually been separated since 2016. Ironically, after he suggested that she should star in G.I. Jane 2. —Michael Che

The second largest Hindu temple in the world has opened in New Jersey. Hindu leaders believe that the temple ended up in New Jersey because it did something terrible in a former life. —Michael Che

Yesterday was National No-Bra Day and boy was I dizzy. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or as it's known in the Middle East, Tuesday (it's been having some weird feelings)

"In the State of the Union address tonight, President Obama focused his speech on how to bring prosperity back to America. It basically involves all of us convincing Oprah we're her half sister. That's the plan." –Conan O'Brien 

"The terrorist group Hezbollah has taken power in Lebanon and opponents have declared a day of rage. Or as it's known in the Middle East, Tuesday." –Conan O’Brien

"President Bush said that when it comes to hurricane preparedness, step number one is, quote, 'pray that there's no hurricanes.' Later President Bush admitted, yeah, that's our entire plan." --Conan O'Brien

"The Pentagon admitted it's been spying on gay groups. The Pentagon also admitted that since it's started spying on gay groups, it's been having some weird feelings." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Martin Luther King on the Glories of Love

"The U.N. says that there is more torture going on in Iraq than when Saddam was in power. Bush shot back. He said, 'That is just the opinion of one individual who doesn't know the difference between regular torture and freedom torture.'" --Bill Maher

"There's a lot of tension in the world. Over the weekend, Pope Benedict apologized to the Muslims. Altar boys, on the other hand, are still waiting for their apology." --David Letterman

"The ground fighting is only one front in the war between Israel and Hezbollah. There's also the propaganda war. Today Hezbollah claimed the month of fighting represented divine victory. Israel claimed it had achieved many of its military objectives. So, it proves what I've been saying about this conflict all along -- it's a win-win." --Jon Stewart 

President Bush's approval rating is dropping (Home of Cindy Sheehan)

"According to a poll in Health Magazine, more Americans said they'd rather have Bill Clinton as their father than President Bush. Well sure, with Clinton you get away with a lot more, don't you think? 'Look, I won't mention you coming home late, if you don't mention me coming home late.'" --Jay Leno

"Since the bombing began, Israel has tried to make it clear Hezbollah and Syria are to blame for Lebanon's current nightmare. To that end, Israeli warplanes have dropped thousands of leaflets on Beirut over the last few days showing a caricature of Hezbollah chief Hassan Nasrallah as a cobra threatening the Lebanese capital. And really, what a great idea, because if there's anything that calms the Arab world down, it's a cartoon." --Jon Stewart

"I don't want to say President Bush's approval rating is dropping, but I understand there's a sign outside of Crawford, Texas, that now says, 'Home of Cindy Sheehan.'" --Jay Leno

Everybody Loves Hackalackal (Bush is keeping the blankey)

"Tense situation right now in the Middle East. Earlier today, Israel completely destroyed Hezbollah's TV station in Lebanon. The attack occurred half way through an episode of 'Everybody Loves Hackalackal.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This morning the Vatican weighed in on the crisis. The Vatican came out and condemned Israel's attacks on Lebanon which is great, because all day yesterday, the Jews and Muslims were asking, 'What do the Catholics think?'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush had an awkward moment today. Did you hear about this? While President Bush was greeting crowds in Germany today, he grabbed a baby from its mother and the baby burst into tears. President Bush says he doesn't care how much the baby cries, he's keeping the blankey." --Conan O'Brien

Naturally, the media is making a big deal about the president cursing (camels)

"Apparently our fearless leader caused quite a stir at the G-8 Summit when microphones captured him in an unguarded moment [on screen: Bush saying, 'See, the irony is that what they need to do is, to get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit and it's over.'] Naturally, the media is making a big deal about the president cursing. Ohh, salty language. Do you know how lucky we are that that's all that was caught? I'm impressed the president was on topic. You know, there's just as good of a chance that the microphones could have picked up him pointing out some [German Chancellor Angela] Merkel cameltoe." --Jon Stewart

"Some of Bush's other comments, however, were less focused [on screen: Bush saying, 'I'm not going to talk too damn long like the rest of them. Some of these guys talk too long.'] Come on Condi, you got to crumble the Ritalin into his food or he's not taking it." --Jon Stewart

"The worst part about this heat wave across the country is  Al Gore walking around going, 'I told you so.'" --Jay Leno

If that was Clinton going in for Merkel, somehow her bra would be off

"I hope you've heard the great news, America. We are winning. Yesterday, the New York Times made an announcement. They're reducing the width of their newspaper by an inch and a half. That's an inch and a half less of state secrets revealed every day." --Stephen Colbert

"The chancellor of Germany disengaged herself from the president of the United States using a move she learned in date rape prevention class. If that was Clinton going in for Merkel, somehow her bra would be off." --Jon Stewart, on Bush groping German Chancellor Angela Merkel

"Since the bombing began, Israel has tried to make it clear Hezbollah and Syria are to blame for Lebanon's current nightmare. To that end, Israeli warplanes have dropped thousands of leaflets on Beirut over the last few days showing a caricature of Hezbollah chief Hassan Nasrallah as a cobra threatening the Lebanese capital. And really, what a great idea, because if there's anything that calms the Arab world down, it's a cartoon." --Jon Stewart

There's a special at Nate 'n Al's Deli in Tel Aviv (Lido deck)

"More rockets were fired into Israel today. Israel responded by bombing more targets inside Lebanon. Now there's talk the U.S. might send some troops over there to help with border security. That's when you know the people over there are in trouble, when they start asking our advice on border security." --Jay Leno

"Still no letup in the Mideast crisis. Israeli planes have been dropping thousands of leaflets that warn Lebanese citizens to stay away from Hezbollah members. The leaflets also promote a special at Nate 'n Al's Deli in Tel Aviv." --Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. government has chartered a cruise ship to evacuate Americans stuck in Lebanon. Officials say their first priority is getting everyone out of Lebanon. Their second priority is organizing a shuffleboard tournament on the Lido deck." --Conan O'Brien

every year is a little harder for him, thanks to Viagra

"Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton made an interesting statement. She said technology's getting so intrusive, she feared that soon American children will one day have a computer chip implanted in their brains. She said she is against that idea, however, she said she wouldn't mind having a low-jack installed in Bill's ass." --Jay Leno

"The heat wave is breaking records all across America. It was so hot in Washington, people are sweating like President Bush trying to spell Hezbollah." --Jay Leno

"Happy Birthday to Senator Bob Dole. Bob Dole turned 83 on Saturday. Bob said today every year is a little harder for him, thanks to Viagra." --Jay Leno

Coincidentally, so did Al Gore (apparently, his father's a Democrat)

"This Taylor Hicks. You know who he is? He's the big 'American Idol' winner and he won by 4 million votes more than President Bush won his election. Coincidentally, so did Al Gore." --David Letterman

"Police in St. Paul, Minnesota, caught the 81-year-old father of U.S. Senator Norm Coleman having sex in the parking lot of a pizza parlor with a 38-year-old woman. Senator Coleman is a Republican, but apparently, his father's a Democrat." --Jay Leno

"The leader of Hezbollah is said to be hiding in the Iranian Embassy in Lebanon. President Bush said today he once spent the night there. Then his staff told him, 'No, Mr. President, those were Embassy Suites.'" --Jay Leno

 

No word yet on the mental (Kick the Shell Casing)

"Of course, propaganda comes in many forms. Israel had been trying to turn public opinion by dropping thousands of leaflets portraying Hezbollah leader Sheik Nasrallah as a snake charmed by other Middle Eastern leaders. These children even made a game out of catching these leaflets because you can only play so many rounds of 'Kick the Shell Casing'." --Jon Stewart

"Good news from the White House. President Bush last week had his annual physical and he passed. He passed his annual physical. No word yet on the mental." --David Letterman

"According to reports, Fidel Castro is alert and being briefed. And I'm thinking, why didn't we get a president like that instead of George W. Bush?" --David Letterman

it's a win-win/Call it a hunch/surrender fries

"Big news on the international front this morning. A cease-fire went into effect between Israel and Hezbollah. Total disaster. We are no longer on the road to World War III. Jesus was half way here. Now he has turn his cloud of glory around and go back to heaven -- and it does not get good mileage. Here's the worst part. Guess who brokered this peace in the Middle East? The U.S. and the French working through the UN. The only non-offensive word in that sentence is 'through.'" --Stephen Colbert

"Changing 'french fries' to 'freedom fries' was arguably the Republican Congress' greatest accomplishment. Democrats would have called them 'surrender fries'." --Stephen Colbert

"There has been a myriad of sporadic cease-fires in the MidEast over the last sixty years. Indeed, over the last three millenia and each has proved but a tiny foyer opening onto yet another grand dark ballroom, whose weary dancers waltz endlessly to the dismal music of war. Still, I think this one's going to last. Call it a hunch." --Rob Corddry

"The ground fighting is only one front in the war between Israel and Hezbollah. There's also the propaganda war. Today Hezbollah claimed the month of fighting represented divine victory. Israel claimed it had achieved many of its military objectives. So, it proves what I've been saying about this conflict all along -- it's a win-win." --Jon Stewart

 

We deeply regret the fact that so many non-believers happen to be flammable

"The leader of Hezbollah says he's throwing a victory party in honor of their victory over Israel. Well that should be fun--a party thrown by Muslim extremists -- 'Who wants some more goat? Turn off the music, and no girls'." --Jay Leno

"It's hard to say you're sorry, especially when you're infallible. But by last weekend, Benedict offered these words of apology. He's sorry that people felt bad. That's known in Vatican terminology as a 'me-a-kinda.' It's a time-honored tradition in the Catholic Church dating back to the Inquisition when Pope Innocent IV said, 'We deeply regret the fact that so many non-believers happen to be flammable'." --Jon Stewart

"According to the latest poll, Bush's approval rating has rebounded to 40% -- the highest level in a year. The White House says it's thrilled that Bush has gone from an overwhelming dislike to a general dislike." --Conan O'Brien

I did not have sexual relations with that goat (freedom torture)

"The Venezuelan President went to the U.N. and called Bush the devil. You could tell Bush was offended, because his tail stopped wagging. Bush said, 'I would love to answer your ridiculous charge that I'm the devil, but I'm a little too busy this week trying to unite my party behind torturing people.'" --Bill Maher

"The leader of Hezbollah appeared in public today for the first time since the cease-fire with Israel. He told the Lebanese people, 'I feel your pain.' You know, that's Bill Clinton's line. You can't call us the 'Great Satan' and then steal all of our president's lines. And then he went on to say, 'I did not have sexual relations with that goat.'" --Jay Leno

"The U.N. says that there is more torture going on in Iraq than when Saddam was in power. Bush shot back. He said, 'That is just the opinion of one individual who doesn't know the difference between regular torture and freedom torture.'" --Bill Maher

intelligence committee (accepting a ride from Nicole Richie)

"A new poll shows that one in five Americans believe they can't trust President Bush. To put it another way, more Americans would be comfortable accepting a ride from Nicole Richie." --David Letterman

"They had the Iraqi Commission report and President Bush says he will not make a decision about getting us out of Iraq until 2007. He says he wants to give it some careful thought unlike getting us into Iraq." --David Letterman

"President Bush actually said today he will not be rushed into a decision about Iraq. I guess one time is enough for him." --Jay Leno

"This is kind of scary. The new head of the House intelligence committee, Congressman Silvestre Reyes, failed a quiz on terrorist organizations. He didn't know the difference between a Sunni and a Shiite, didn't seem to know what Hezbollah was. So apparently, the term 'intelligence committee' is just a suggestion." --Jay Leno

Another female Republican trying to steal the dumbass vote

"Tea Party rebutter Michele Bachmann is under fire for saying the Founding Fathers eliminated slavery. Sarah Palin is very upset. Another female Republican trying to steal the dumbass vote." –Jay Leno



"Last night, President Obama gave the State of the Union address. Vice President Biden called it a great speech. House Speaker John Boehner called it a real tearjerker." –Jay Leno



"The terrorist group Hezbollah has taken power in Lebanon and opponents have declared a day of rage. Or as it's known in the Middle East, Tuesday." –Conan O'Brien