I only date bodybuilders (she switched out her torch with a bowling ball)

Kamala Harris released her annual Pride Month message and she plans on celebrating all month by not seeing straight. How's that any different? —Greg Gutfeld 

To celebrate Pride Month, the Empire State Building is illuminated in rainbow colors. Not to be outdone, the Statue of Liberty traded her robes for a nice flannel and switched out her torch with a bowling ball. —Greg Gutfeld 

Scientists are working on three different vaccines for Ebola as the virus rages in Africa. These medicines are no different than the COVID vaccine, which stops the disease from spreading by killing you with a heart attack. I don't know if that's true. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s a driiifteerrrrr! (because there’s no omelette bar)

A woman who hasn’t even entered the race yet: Minnesota senator and woman realizing no one touched her dish at the potluck, Amy Klobuchar. Senator Klobuchar is expected to announce she’s running for president on Sunday, but there’s a bit of a hitch, because apparently she’s having trouble finding staffers for her campaign, reportedly because Klobuchar’s mistreatment of staff has scared off candidates. I’m kind of shocked. I mean, I’ve interviewed Amy Klobuchar and she’s so nice. This is like getting a car from Oprah and finding a body in the trunk. Colbert as Oprah, “It’s a driiifteerrrrr!” --Stephen Colbert

As you know, I’m a Catholic, but I don’t get to church much these days because there’s no omelette bar. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They claimed she did that by not becoming president (angry Democrats are calling it a d*ck move)

Saturday night Kamala Harris will receive an NAACP image award for helping out people of color. They claimed she did that by not becoming president. —Greg Gutfeld 

DOGE has stopped $10 million in US tax money from going to Africa to fund male circumcisions. Not surprisingly, angry Democrats are calling it a dick move. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unfortunately, he said, it was to visit the birthplace of his friend Barack (your dinghy stops working)

President Biden traveled to Africa this week. Unfortunately, he said, it was to visit the birthplace of his friend Barack. —Michael Che

Police in Australia arrested 13 people after their boat broke down, and more than two tons of cocaine was discovered on board. Because sometimes when you have too much coke, your dinghy stops working. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Checked in? He's already there, it's called Congress (So, you see why he’s not on the Intelligence Committee)

“No, this is true; I guess Mitt Romney’s staff played a practical joke on him yesterday. They sent him out to give a speech in a room that was completely empty. He got there and the room was completely empty. Oddly enough, the audience reaction was the same as if the room had been completely full.” –Jay Leno

"Congressman Anthony Weiner has just checked himself into a treatment center for people battling chronic sexual dysfunction. Checked in? He's already there, it's called Congress." –Jay Leno  6/13/2011

"Republican Congressman Tom Marino, who is on the Foreign Affairs Committee, said: 'If we go into Libya, where does it stop? Do we go into Africa next?' So, you see why he’s not on the Intelligence Committee." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There’s nothing you can do to me that 51 turtles haven’t (the eight-year oopsy)

"George W. Bush said he wishes people would stop referring to

his tax policy as the Bush tax cuts. He also wishes people would

stop referring to his presidency as the eight-year oopsy."

–Conan O'Brien

The hamburger chain In-N-Out is upset because a bikini-clad

woman made a video of herself handling their meat in a

suggestive way. The CEO said, "What kind of sicko would

sexualize In-N-Out?" --Conan O’Brien

A man has been sentenced to five years in jail for trying to smuggle 51 turtles in his pants. The man has already told his cellmate, "There’s nothing you can do to me that 51 turtles haven’t." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, right there, crime is down! (A hero in Tanzania)

"But Bush likes to see the good news, the crime rate is down. Isn't that amazing? Less banks are being robbed. Well, sure. A, there's less banks. B, the banks don't have any money left. And C, nobody's got gas money for the getaway car. So, right there, crime is down!" –Jay Leno

"Over in Africa, President Bush is being welcomed as a hero in Tanzania. See, that's because President Bush always said one day third world countries would have the same economy as the United States and thanks to his economic plan, now they do." --Jay Leno

 https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's the first time that "rock," "oldest" and "stone" have been used in the same sentence without mentioning Mick Jagger (Hey, great advice!)

Archaeologists in South Africa have discovered what they say is the world's oldest drawing. Experts think the crude, simple drawing on a rock was created more than 70,000 years ago. And probably during the world's first extremely boring work meeting. While a bunch of starving cavemen were off fighting a saber-toothed tiger, one guy was like, "Hey is it cool if I take a personal day to hang back and work on my art?" The rock features the world's oldest known drawing found on a stone. This is historic, because it's the first time that "rock," "oldest" and "stone" have been used in the same sentence without mentioning Mick Jagger. --James Corden

Donald Trump's Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh continues to face opposition. It's gotten so bad that Ivanka Trump has told her father to "cut bait" and nominate someone else. Ivanka said it's a lost cause, and it's better to just let him go and start fresh with someone new — to which Melania said, "Hey, great advice!" --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They've got you right where they want you (To infinity … and the bus!)

Jeb Bush said last night that he wants to see Margaret Thatcher on the $10 bill. While Donald Trump said, “They make a $10 bill?” –Seth Meyers

A “Toy Story" fan in England changed his name to Buzz Lightyear and was then refused a driver's license until he changed his name back. Said the man, “To infinity … and the bus!” –Seth Meyers

Kellogg’s announced today that it will be spending 450 million dollars in an effort to expand its food distribution to Africa. Though sadly, it was reported today that Tony the Tiger was gunned down by a Minnesota dentist. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

He'll go back to the White House, but only if he can bring his assistant, Egor (taunted by a matador)

 

"Chris Christie has to brush up on foreign policy, so he went to Mexico. Remember when he was in Africa? He was followed by ivory poachers. Now he's in Mexico, and he was taunted by a matador." –David Letterman

"Now, we can't keep Dick Cheney quiet. He's talking about maybe running for president in 2012. And he says he's willing to return to the White House, he'll go back to the White House, but only if he can bring his assistant, Egor." --David Letterman

 

"Just about now Ken Lay should be arriving in hell." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Today it was 68 and foggy (He took a little in the wallet)

"Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me." –David Letterman

"Donald Trump is talking about running for president. He hasn't made an announcement, but I want to tell you something. The fake suspense is killing me. I can hardly wait until Trump announces his celebrity cabinet." –David Letterman

 

"This week, President George Bush was in Africa. Have you been following his African trip? In Africa, he is known as Bunda 43. But he's wildly popular in Africa, isn't that interesting? It's like David Hasselhoff in Germany. Nobody knows why." --David Letterman

 

"The guy who Cheney gunned down, he is a Republican lawyer and a big Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads of laundered cash. So he's fine. He took a little in the wallet." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

This is no accident - it's capitalism (amazingly no one was rear-ended)

“A brand of peanut butter is being sold called Steam which contains more caffeine than a Red Bull. It’s perfect for that creep who wants that dog to just go to town down there.” —Michael Che

“A video has been posted of a porn star and her boyfriend having sex in a Tesla while it was driving an autopilot and amazingly no one was rear-ended.” —Michael Che

“A man on an African safari fell off a horse while being chased by a lion. ‘Well that was a close one,’ said the horse.” —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He said the reason why they go on a safari was, he always wanted to see a unicorn (she's very close to being asked her last question)

 

"Oh, and Barack Obama made another woman faint today. The bad news, it was Hillary when she saw the poll numbers." --Jay Leno

President Bush is back from Africa. You know, he was hoping to go on a safari, but he never got the chance. See, I don't think President Bush really understands Africa. Like he said the reason why they go on a safari was, he always wanted to see a unicorn." --Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton criticized the media the other night during the debate for always asking her the first question. She feels they're picking on her because they always ask her the first question. I don't know, is that her biggest concern? The way the polls are going right now, she's very close to being asked her last question." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When we opened our eyes, they had the land and we had the Bible (It takes place in the future ... like July)

"There's talk of a new "Mad Max" movie, where gas is so expensive people steal and kill to get it. It takes place in the future ... like July." –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich is running and just came out with his new book: 'The Adultery of Hope.'" –Jay Leno

"And a Georgia man is recovering in Pittsburgh after becoming the first U.S. recipient of a double hand transplant. Got two hands transplanted from another guy. He used them for the first time today to grab his heart when he saw the bill." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or to use the official diplomatic term, he made a Djibouti call (You're being a real McDick right now)

"The birth certificate of the royal baby lists her parents' occupations as being 'the prince and princess of the United Kingdom.' It says that under occupation, which I guess sounds better than 'unemployed.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Prince William's pregnant wife, Kate Middleton, is past her due date. Doctors may have to induce labor. To speed up the birth, doctors have been telling the baby, 'Come on out. You will never have to work a day in your life.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Today Secretary of State John Kerry visited the small African nation of Djibouti. Or to use the official diplomatic term, he made a Djibouti call." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

for the woman who wants to let everyone know that she's the drunkest mom at the kid's pool party (military industrial complex)

“But he’s promised a female nominee. This means Donald Trump is going to be spending a lot of time this weekend enjoying his favorite hobby: rating women on a scale of one to 10.” —James Corden

High-heel Crocs — for the woman who wants to let everyone know that she's the drunkest mom at the kid's pool party. --James Corden

According to a new report from the BBC, a strange detail has come to light about a summer meeting between President Donald Trump and Spain's Foreign Minister Josep Borrell. Apparently, while discussing European immigration policies, President Trump suggested that Spain should also build a wall. Trump is now making policy suggestions to Spain — or as he calls it, "European Mexico." And where did Trump tell the foreign minister of Spain to build that wall? Straight through the Sahara Desert in Africa. Trump is not great with geography and borders, which is weird. Usually the only time Trump has problems understanding boundaries is with female employees. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now he's in Mexico, and he was taunted by a matador (They think they're getting Tina Fey)

"Sarah Palin is going to do her best to promote capitalism while she's in Hong Kong, and then I guess at the end of the trip, she'll be riding around in helicopters, shooting pandas." --David Letterman

"And then next month, Sarah Palin is going to Hong Kong for a speaking engagement. She says she can almost see Hong Kong from her house. The Chinese are all very excited, though. They think they're getting Tina Fey." --David Letterman

"But Sarah Palin, very serious now she's out of office up there in Alaska. She wrote a critique of President Obama's health care plan and then she went back to seating customers at the Olive Garden." --David Letterman

"Chris Christie has to brush up on foreign policy, so he went to Mexico. Remember when he was in Africa? He was followed by ivory poachers. Now he's in Mexico, and he was taunted by a matador." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is this a Google Translate issue? What’s going on here? (good luck to them making a dramatic exit when there’s zero gravity)

July 2022

“Russia has officially pulled out of the International Space Station, which no one asked them to do. We said pull out of Ukraine, not the space station! Is this a Google Translate issue? What’s going on here?” —Trevor Noah

“The decision, effective after 2024, is actually bad news, because Russia helps to operate the space station. Am I the only who’s shocked by how many things are connected to Russia in the world? Like the world’s energy supply, Africa’s food supply, space travel, minerals for our electronics. Soon we’re going to find out that Russia provides the sound for sneezes and without them, we can’t complete the action. Although they think this is pretty cool, good luck to them making a dramatic exit when there’s zero gravity.” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m doing it. She’s 96 — do you not see me saving the queen? (London’s annual day of sunshine)

June 2022

“Queen Elizabeth took the throne at age 25, on Feb. 6, 1952. So naturally, the Brits are celebrating her 70th anniversary in June. They were aiming for London’s annual day of sunshine.” —Stephen Colbert

“Now, 70 years makes it the queen’s Platinum Jubilee, so I believe the traditional gift to give her is Africa.” —Stephen Colbert

“The crowd sang ‘God Save the Queen’ as the holo-grandma passed them by. At this point, God must be like, ‘Enough already with the song, I’m doing it. She’s 96 — do you not see me saving the queen?’” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Ghislane Maxwell's Cell (Lucky Nickel)

"Hillary Clinton also carries around a lucky nickel. Not for superstitious reasons - she just flips it when she needs a position on Iraq." --Jay Leno

"And President Bush is now in Africa, where he's meeting with several of Africa's top leaders. See, again, I don't think President Bush is that familiar with Africa. Like, today, he said the leader he's most looking forward to meeting - the Lion King." --Jay Leno

 

"Outspoken actor Alec Baldwin told Elle magazine that he's so desperate for a Democrat to be the next president that he would go a month without sex if it meant a Democrat would win the White House. And today Bill Clinton called him a fanatic, a lunatic, part of that kook fringe left. He must be stopped." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”