I guess Brady just loves anything that releases air (The system's fine folks!)

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady said over the weekend that he's not sure who he'll vote for, but he loves Donald Trump. I guess Brady just loves anything that releases air. –Seth Meyers

A skydiver uploaded a video of himself yesterday jumping out of a plane and solving a Rubik’s cube during free fall. And to prove that he actually solved it, the funeral was open casket. –Seth Meyers

During the same rally President Trump claimed that he could be more presidential than any president in history, quote, "Except for possibly Abe Lincoln with the big hat." Oh, right. That Abe Lincoln. Are you at a campaign rally or Show and Tell? "This is my Abe Lincoln. He has a really big hat. And he hates going to plays." --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Congrats Elise! I heard the president dropped your name (because that is where I keep most of my stuff)

“I’m in a very good mood, the kind you get when you find a dollar on the sidewalk, or you realize that our children may not be doomed to a fiery hellscape. The pep in my step is largely because this weekend, Senate Democrats finally passed a bill to fight climate change. Finally! Thank God we’re going to at least try to save the planet, because that is where I keep most of my stuff.” —Stephen Colbert

“The Inflation Reduction Act, passed 51-50 with a tie-breaking vote by Vice-President Kamala Harris, apportions nearly $400 Billion over 10 years in tax credits aimed at steering consumers to electric vehicles, with the goal of cutting emissions by about 40%. So from now on we’re putting only good things into the air, like donut-flavored vape smoke.” —Stephen Colbert

“It will also make good on Democrats’ years-long pledge to reduce prescription drug costs for the elderly. That is good news for the elderly, or as Chuck Grassley and Dianne Feinstein call them, ‘those damn kids!’” —Stephen Colbert

“In other news, the New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman provided evidence to support a previous story that Donald Trump tried to flush shreds of White House documents down the toilet. Over the weekend, Haberman revealed photos from a White House source revealing scraps of paper at the bottom of a toilet bowl. To be fair, it’s unclear if those are official White House documents or his toilet’s suicide note, although the papers did appear to have Trump’s Sharpie handwriting, as well as the name ‘Stefanik’ written on them (as in the Republican congresswoman Elise Stefanik of New York). Congrats Elise! I heard the president dropped your name.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Chicken Soup for When You’ve Sold Your Soul (three years is really enough)

“During Thursday’s arguments, House Democrats stuck to the basics, such as: what is crime? Congressman Jerry Nadler, for example, introduced the ABCs of high crimes and misdemeanors: ‘Abuse of power; betrayal of the nation, particularly through foreign entanglements; and corruption, particularly corruption of elections.’ It’s catchy, but here’s my spin: The impeachment one, two threes: Trump never won the popular vote, he’s too corrupt to have the job and three years is really enough.” —Stephen Colbert

“By law, senators are supposed to sit quietly and pay attention, but today, according to reporters in the gallery, Senator Burr has a fidget spinner, Rand Paul has quite the sketch of the Capitol going, and Marsha Blackburn is reading a book. That book? ‘Chicken Soup for When You’ve Sold Your Soul.’” —Stephen Colbert

“The trial did not end until almost 10 p.m. last night, but Democratic senator Dianne Feinstein walked out of the Senate chamber at 8:45. She said good night to two reporters standing nearby and left the Capitol. Well, that’s a bold new take on the Democrats’ battle cry: When they go low, we go home.” —Stephen Colbert

“But you know, if senators are looking for things to do without their phones, we’ve created an activity book they can play, called ‘101 Fun Things to Do in the Senate Other Than Pay Attention to Impeachment.’ It’s loaded with puzzles, like ‘Getting money to Ukraine through the maze of corruption,’ ‘Spot six differences between these two impeachments,’ and if those two are too hard, ‘Connect-one-dot.’” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

but since it was coming from a woman, Grassley didn't believe her (Out of habit, Kavanaugh brought a keg)

The nation was gripped today by Dr. Christine Blasey Ford's emotional testimony on Capitol Hill against Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. As Dr. Ford was speaking, Brett Kavanaugh was reportedly preparing for his own testimony in Vice President Mike Pence's office. Out of habit, Kavanaugh brought a keg. --James Corden

You know you're radioactive when even President Trump was like, "Uh, yeah, I'm busy. Maybe go hang around with Mike." --James Corden

At one point, Republican Sen. Chuck Grassley interrupted and talked over Sen. Dianne Feinstein. Sen. Feinstein said it was her turn to speak, but since it was coming from a woman, Grassley didn't believe her. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It's like hearing an illegal immigrant had an abortion

"The politics on this are all scrambled up. You talk about strange bedfellows. Dianne Feinstein and John Boehner are together on this. They say (Snowden) is a traitor. Michael Moore and Glenn Beck are together on this. They say he's a hero. This is Republicans' worst nightmare. They don't know who to hate. They hate Obama but they love spying. It's like hearing an illegal immigrant had an abortion." –Bill Maher 

"The Taliban is now recruiting women to become suicide bombers. And it's not easy to qualify. The women must be able to push a car loaded with explosives because, as you know, they're not allowed to drive over there." –Jay Leno