Wow! What a catch — nobody move! (Get out of the way if you want to live!)

Scientists have invented a way for you to change channels on your TV with gestures. Yeah, it’s great for people who like watching sports completely still. “Wow! What a catch — nobody move! Oh, now we’re watching Lifetime.” –Jimmy Fallon

On Friday, Arnold Schwarzenegger was stopped in Germany by a police officer for riding a bicycle through a train station. Schwarzenegger may have gone unnoticed if he hadn't been frantically ringing the bell and shouting, "Get out of the way if you want to live!" –Jimmy Fallon

Next month Delta will begin opening company spas at certain airports so that employees can get a massage. And if passengers want a massage, they can just leave their keys in their pockets when they go through security. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Just because you went for a long time, doesn’t mean you did a good job (Nothing to see here)

This week, Britain’s most eligible bachelor, Prince Andrew, officially deleted his Twitter account after he realized that’s not the App with the dancing teenagers. —Colin Jost

President Biden marked the end of his first year in office with a two hour press conference. Because that’s how long it took to list everything that’s gone wrong. But as I have been told many times before, just because you went for a long time, doesn’t mean you did a good job. —Colin Jost

Delta Airlines has introduced a new plane that features windows in the bathroom. Unfortunately, they face into the cabin. --Colin Jost, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sometimes, I forget that I am driving a car....???? (Don’t Stop Believing)

Donald Trump’s campaign has raised about $100,000 in donations during the second quarter. Which raises an important question: Who is giving Donald Trump money? That’s like giving your money to a pile of money.—Jimmy Fallon

I read that you can now buy a new, wine-flavored jelly. Which is a great idea until your kid’s teacher calls and says, “I dunno what happened to Billy. He ate a PB&J and keeps singing ‘Don’t Stop Believing.’” –Jimmy Fallon

"Two Delta planes collided on the runway in Boston. The passengers are all OK, except for Delta’s $50 collision fee. The air traffic controllers were just glad they weren’t awake to see the collision." –Jimmy Fallon

"Thank you, Arnold Schwarzenegger for starring in an upcoming western 'The Last Stand.' It’ll probably be good for you to shoot some blanks for a while." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”