tucking the cash directly into Americans’ G-strings (drone crimes)

“Stimulus checks will soon be arriving for those who need them

and will include an extra $500 per child. Finally a reason for

Trump to acknowledge the existence of Eric.” —Stephen Colbert

Meanwhile in Zambia an energy drink has been banned after it was found to contain viagra. So, obviously it’s not a soft drink. --Stephen Colbert

“Now, and it turns out, the president is not legally allowed to sign checks from the I.R.S. So instead, Mnuchin decided to put the president’s name in the ‘memo’ section of the check. Still better than Trump’s alternative: tucking the cash directly into Americans’ G-strings.” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Like when someone wears a long-sleeve shirt to wrestle a gator (Why Not Us?)

September 2022

“As we speak, Hurricane Ian is slamming into Florida, and I honestly hope that everyone in the Sunshine state is staying safe. Like I mean, rest of America safe, not like Florida safe, you know? Like when someone wears a long-sleeve shirt to wrestle a gator.” —Trevor Noah

“Just be safe safe. Because I know you guys are brave, but this hurricane – I mean, you heard Governor DeSantis, he said, ‘this thing is the real deal’. Not like the usual stuff I tell you to be scared of, like drag queens or critical race theory. I’m talking real! Like I might fly myself to Martha’s Vineyard.’” —Trevor Noah

“The devastating category 4 storm that hit Florida overnight Wednesday included sustained winds of over 150mph, with a storm surge of 18 feet. This shit is wild! But I also had to wonder: why do we still name natural disasters? It’s a weird thing we do. We don’t do that with personal disasters. There’s no doctor who’s ever been like ‘I have some bad news … Jeremy has spread to your brain.’” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s just like pornography – you know it when you see it, and you don’t want it to involve Ron DeSantis (pretend cop running multiple fake companies)

September 2022

“We are celebrating the investigation by a Texas sheriff into the role of the Florida governor, Ron DeSantis, in tricking asylum seekers to board planes from Texas to Martha’s Vineyard. The sheriff, Javier Salazar, called the political stunt an ‘abuse of human rights’ but could not cite specific laws that may have been broken. Yeah, but it’s just like pornography – you know it when you see it, and you don’t want it to involve Ron DeSantis.” —Stephen Colbert

“Joe Biden’s declaration in a 60 Minutes interview this week that the pandemic was over, which marks the first time that Joe Biden has ever moved too fast. The White House has now walked back the comments, saying the president could have been more ‘nuanced’ in stating that the pandemic is now in a different phase. OK, saying something is over is kinda a misleading way to declare a new phase – ‘Carol, it’s over, I can’t date you any more … because I’m asking you to marry me!’” —Stephen Colbert

“There is a close Senate race in Georgia between the incumbent Raphael Warnock, a Democrat, and the Republican candidate, Herschel Walker. Walker, a former football star, who has no political experience or qualifications, but on the bright side, he also lies a lot. To date, Walker has lied on the campaign trail about owning companies that don’t exist, claimed to be in law enforcement when he wasn’t and said he graduated from college, which he did not. Well, that’s understandable. It’s hard to keep up with your coursework when you’re a pretend cop running multiple fake companies.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Domino’s Monarch Tracker (build your own light saber)

September 2022

“The state funeral for Queen Elizabeth II in London was on Monday, a lengthy procession in which King Charles and his three siblings walked behind the coffin for 1.5 hours. That’s not easy – for years, the royal family’s only form of exercise has been walking back statements from Andrew.” —Stephen Colbert

“The procession required 22 miles of barriers in central London alone. Of course, those in the city who wanted to know exactly where the procession was at any one moment along the route could just download the Domino’s Monarch Tracker.” —Stephen Colbert

“Florida governor, Ron DeSantis, sent two planes full of Venezuelan asylum seekers to Martha’s Vineyard without any forewarning. Turns out, it was way worse than we imagined because he actually abducted them from Texas. For a guy who acts so concerned about borders, he doesn’t seem to know where his state ends.” —Stephen Colbert

“Why is the governor of Florida spending his taxpayers’ money to snatch asylum seekers in Texas? Because he can read their minds. DeSantis justified his actions by saying that most of the asylum seekers intended to go to Florida. Come on, no one intends to go to Florida. You’re forced to go there for two reasons: you’re about to die and want to eat pudding next to an alligator, or you want to do that Disney thing and build your own light saber.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's that guy you went to high school with who desperately wanted to be prom king but didn’t have any charisma (Dummy Mini-Mes)

September 2022

“One of the worst things about Donald Trump are all his dummy mini-me’s. All these elastic pants governors who are pulling their own little stunts to excite the stupid, such as DeSantis sending two planes of migrant families to Martha’s Vineyard. This is a thing they’re doing now. Guys like Ron DeSantis and Greg Abbott from Texas are using taxpayer money to ship these poor people looking for a better life to places around the United States and then they laugh about it. They think it’s funny.

Abbott sent a bus full of immigrants to Kamala Harris’s house in Washington, while DeSantis tried to get a rise out of residents in Massachusetts. Which is interesting, because you know what the people of Martha’s Vineyard did when a plane full of people showed up? They fed them, they gave them clothes, they bought them pizza, they took them in.

I guess Ron DeSantis doesn’t know about the Statue of Liberty. Ron DeSantis is that guy you went to high school with who desperately wanted to be prom king but didn’t have any charisma, so instead he pulled the fire alarm and ruined the dance for everybody.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m gonna say Florida should be spending that money on something more useful, like snorkels or waterproof meth (Go On)

September 2022

“Florida’s governor Ron DeSantis sent two planes full of Venezuelan asylum seekers to Martha’s Vineyard, in Massachusetts. ‘Hey, Ron, if you’re trying to discourage illegal immigration, maybe don’t send people to one of the loveliest places in New England just in time for leaf-peeping season.’ Of course, DeSantis wasn’t sending these folks to the Vineyard to have a good time. He was human trafficking these families as a political stunt.

The stunt was intended to trigger Martha’s Vineyard residents: ‘The minute even a small fraction of what those border towns deal with every day is brought to their front door, they all of a sudden go beserk,’ DeSantis said. But the town’s state representative, Dylan Fernandes, tweeted that local residents came together to provide food, shelter, healthcare and a play area for migrant children.

Yes, DeSantis owned those libs by making them look compassionate. Just like that cuck Jesus. Send that guy a truckload of lepers, see how he likes it. Of course, DeSantis’s hate stunt don’t come cheap, as Florida’s most recent budget includes $12m to relocate migrants. Maybe with global warming and all, I’m gonna say Florida should be spending that money on something more useful, like snorkels or waterproof meth.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In the massive scaling back, I got massively scaled (only the closest Beyoncés)

August 2021

“So naturally there’s one question on everyone’s mind: did I go to Barack Obama’s birthday party? The 44th president celebrated his 60th birthday over the weekend with a celeb-filled, if still Covid-restrained, bash in Martha’s Vineyard. The original party was supposed to be starrier, with over 700 people including Oprah and George Clooney invited, but because of concerns about the highly transmissible delta variant, he was forced to limit his invites to only the closest Beyoncés.” —Stephen Colbert

“I did not make the final cut, as far as being invited to the party. It just goes to show you, kids, that if you work hard, put in your time, and get to be the number one show in late-night television, you too can get disinvited from the cool kids’ party.” —Stephen Colbert

“There were rumors that I was being disinvited from the cool kid’s party that was former President Barack Obama’s 60th birthday on Martha’s Vineyard over the weekend. Here’s the thing — a hot ticket is what it was, but given the whole pandemic thing and the Delta variant, a celebrity mosh pit was maybe not the wisest choice, so Obama decided to scale back the guest list for his party. In the massive scaling back, I got massively scaled.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s really sad when your SPF factor is higher than your approval rating (holding auditions for my replacement)

August 2011

"A guy last week put a fatwa out on me. CBS has been great. When they heard about it, they started holding auditions for my replacement." –David Letterman

"I’m sorry I was late coming out. Backstage I was talking to the guy from CBS. We were going through the CBS insurance policy to see if I was covered for jihad." –David Letterman

"Tonight you people are more to me than an audience. You’re more like a human shield." –David Letterman

"President Obama is enjoying the fun and sun in Martha’s Vineyard. It’s really sad when your SPF factor is higher than your approval rating." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

On the bright side, I didn’t have to shake my morning martini (Obama nearly missed a putt)

August 2011

"After the earthquake on the East Coast, they found Mayor Bloomberg standing under his desk." –David Letterman

"The earthquake registered 5.8 on the Richter scale. I’ve had bigger heart attacks than that. On the bright side, I didn’t have to shake my morning martini." –David Letterman

"They felt the earthquake at Martha’s Vineyard. It was so bad, President Obama nearly missed a putt." –David Letterman

"They traced the epicenter of the earthquake to New Jersey Governor Chis Christie’s aerobics class. No, to Kim Kardashian’s honeymoon suite. " –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”