Everyone says “The early bird gets the worm,” but then everybody freaks out when I drink tequila at 8:00 a.m. --Stephen Colbert
Call me a Valentine’s Day traditionalist, but I just really like shooting arrows at people while wearing a diaper. --Stephen Colbert
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“That’s right, Tom Suozzi is replacing George Santos, and just from looking at their resumes, the two of them are pretty different. For instance, under education, Suozzi put, ‘B.A. from Boston College.’ Santos put, ‘Ph.D. from Hogwarts.’” — Jimmy Fallon
“That’s right, today is Valentine’s Day, and if you forgot, don’t worry, there’s a good chance President Biden did, too.” — Jimmy Fallon
Following his historic removal from Congress, George Santos’ district on Long Island held a special election for his replacement this week, and voters had nothing but negative things to say about him. To quote one voter: “I think he needs help because he’s delusional.” And when a Long Islander says you’re delusional it stings, because they’re mostly Jets fans. —Seth Meyers
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
Valentine’s Day and Ash Wednesday are on the same day this year, which is confusing – I accidentally gave my priest chocolates and lingerie. —Jimmy Kimmel
Tom Suozzi, a Democrat, won a special election on Tuesday to fill the congressional seat previously occupied by George Santos. We congratulated Suozzi on his win on Wednesday, he has some very big clown shoes to fill. —Jimmy Kimmel
They actually had to wait to verify the election to make sure the winner wasn’t George Santos in disguise. —Jimmy Kimmel
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
In other news, the CDC plans to drop its five-day Covid isolation guidelines. What? No isolation? You’ve been telling us for years that we need to be mindful of protecting our friends and neighbors. From now on, according to the CDC, people can stop isolating if they are “fever-free for at least 24 hours without the aid of medication and their symptoms are mild and improving”. So remember when you’re riding in the elevator with Todd from accounting and he’s coughing all the way to the 10th floor – it’s fine, as long as he was worse yesterday. —Stephen Colbert
“Donald Trump celebrated the Valentine’s Day by writing a valentine to his wife Melania, and then having his campaign send a mass email blast with the subject line ‘I love you, Melania!’ [imitating Melania] ‘Unsubscribe.’” — Stephen Colbert
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Everyone says “The early bird gets the worm,” but then everybody freaks out when I drink tequila at 8:00 a.m. --Stephen Colbert
Call me a Valentine’s Day traditionalist, but I just really like shooting arrows at people while wearing a diaper. --Stephen Colbert
A president of the United States said, “You think our country’s so innocent?” Has there ever been a president who hates America more? I mean, besides Jefferson Davis. –Stephen Colbert
Donald Trump has a new phrase for all the possible upcoming investigations into his administration. Trump calls it “Presidential Harassment.” It’s like sexual harassment, only republicans take it seriously. --Stephen Colbert
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Ted Cruz's dad said that God sent a message to Ted Cruz's wife giving his permission to run for president. Though I'm not sure that's what God meant when he told Cruz’s wife, “Run!!” –Jimmy Fallon
Shaquille O’Neal says that he’s trying to eat healthier. He’s cut soda, bread, sandwiches, and fast food out of his diet. When asked what he’s eating instead he said, “Mostly trees.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Happy Valentine’s Day. Everyone on the campaign trail is celebrating with their sweetheart. Rick Santorum and his wife Karen, Newt Gingrich and his wife Callista, Mitt Romney and his Swiss bank account.” –Jimmy Fallon
Tickets to Trump’s State of the Union had to be reprinted after they originally said State of the "Uniom." Even the guy who sent out that false missile alert in Hawaii was like, "How do you mess that up?" --Jimmy Fallon
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“Trump released that statement through a spokesperson, because his new billion-dollar social media platform that launched nine days ago still isn’t going. He posted there once, one day, and that’s it. This is the one that’s supposed to replace Twitter – even he’s not using it.” —Jimmy Kimmel
“In other waste of money news, you know that big, beautiful wall he almost partially built? Well it has been breached by smugglers over 3,000 times in the past three years because of a design flaw. Basically Trump just installed a $15 Billion doggie door along the southern border.” —Jimmy Kimmel
“There have been reports that China requested Vladimir Putin delay his planned invasion of Ukraine until after the Winter Olympics in Beijing. How does that conversation even go? ‘Hey Vlad, I know you had your heart set on killing everyone around Valentine’s Day. Could you maybe hold off for a beat so we could bobsled?’” —Jimmy Kimmel
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“I hope you’re having a sensual Valentine’s Day, which, if you’re watching this, you’re probably not.” —Jimmy Kimmel
“Hey, don’t mind me, I’ll just be over here doing my thang — a long monologue. And maybe later, if we’re lucky, some Toyota commercials. And I’ve got 400 people in this room with me who just like to watch. And I’m happy to help, because America could use a little help in the seduction department right now. Because according to new research, Americans are at a 30-year low for sex. And again, no judgment: Whatever doesn’t float your boat. I’m not going to kink-shame the jigsaw puzzle/Breathe Right Strip/lights out by 9 p.m. lifestyle.” —Stephen Colbert
“The study says there are a number of possible reasons for lower birth rates, including fewer people getting married, an aging population. But let’s be honest: We all know what the real reason is — unlimited porn. The same reason people at the Olive Garden are eating more breadsticks — it’s unlimited.” —Jimmy Kimmel
“I think it’s weird having Valentine’s the day after the Super Bowl. I was out past midnight last night flipping SUVs and setting mattresses on fire, now I’m supposed to be romantic? I don’t know, I’m all charged up!” —Jimmy Kimmel
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
