The price of a Big Mac (Who’s Hitler?)

SpaceX is planning to build a Mars rocket right here in Los Angeles. The voyage to Mars will take nine months, but eight of those months will be spent just getting out of L.A. --Conan O’Brien

At today’s Easter Egg Roll, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer read a book to children. Afterwards, all the kids had the same question: “Who’s Hitler?” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If it gets down to the 20s he might start dating it (bad visuals)

Sean Spicer finally agreed to come out if the reporters turned their camera lights off and their cameras. I guess for some reason he felt like the White House press secretary crawling out of his hiding place might be a bad visual. –Jimmy Kimmel

“Meanwhile, leadership at Fox News, the little engine behind the back to work movement, decided to keep their New York offices closed through at least June 15th. Isn’t that something? Fox News, the ones who are making fun of people cowering at home, is advising its employees to stay home. Because apparently, they don’t get their news from Fox News.” —Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump’s approval rating has sunk to near-historic lows. According to a new Quinnipiac poll, his approval rating is down to 36 percent. If it gets down to the 20s he might start dating it. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I would kill for one of those letters (Oh yeah, I remember that bush)

Yesterday, FBI Director James Comey got a letter from President Trump informing him that his services were no longer needed. After hearing this, Melania Trump said, “I would kill for one of those letters.” –Conan O’Brien

After news of the James Comey firing broke last night, Press Secretary Sean Spicer avoided reporters by hiding behind a bush outside the White House. Today, Bill Clinton said, “Oh yeah, I remember that bush.” –Conan O’Brien

Today, President Trump promised to bring back “the spirit and prestige of the FBI.” Trump said, “When I’m arrested, I want to be arrested by the very best.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I have been a fool. I apologize (Who’s Hitler?)

Today at the White House Easter festivities, Melania Trump kicked things off by blowing a whistle. Then again, most women standing near Donald Trump end up having to blow a whistle. –Conan O’Brien

A Republican lawmaker who was criticized about his vote against internet privacy said nobody’s got to use the internet. Then someone told him that’s where porn was. And he said, “I have been a fool. I apologize.” –Conan O’Brien

At today’s Easter Egg Roll, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer read a book to children. Afterwards, all the kids had the same question: “Who’s Hitler?” –Conan O’Brien

In Florida, an 87-year-old man has donated 100 gallons of blood throughout his lifetime. And the weird thing is, only half of it is his. --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

OK Larry, drop your pants. We both know you were out of vacation days (Once you realize that, you can't go back)

And finally, the news from my homeland. A burglar in London recently attempted to sneak into a building through the backyard area and ended up disturbing the owner's beehive and the burglar was then chased away by a swarm of 80,000 angry bees. It sounds like this guy was the victim of a sting operation. --James Corden

There's an easier way to get four days off to watch basketball. You can just say you got a vasectomy, you don't actually have to do it! Your boss isn't going to ask you, “OK Larry, drop your pants. We both know you were out of vacation days." –James Corden

Sean Spicer said not only will Donald Trump donate his salary, he would love for White House reporters to determine “where it should go.” Unfortunately, where they suggested it should go is not a place that I can say on television. But seriously, how great would it be if the reporters all chose Planned Parenthood? –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So far, their plan is to do terrible things on a much smaller scale (back when I had some dignity)

The president of China basically declared himself president for life. In a related story, President Trump was declared president for "what seems like a lifetime." --Conan O’Brien

​​Jared Kushner lost his security clearance, and now he and Ivanka are trying to figure out their new limited roles. So far, their plan is to do terrible things on a much smaller scale. --Conan O’Brien

It’s come out that Trump Administration Press Secretary Sean Spicer was the White House Easter Bunny in the early 2000s. Or as Spicer calls it "back when I had some dignity." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Thanks for making me look like the president of the century (When you come straight to work from the cocaine orgy)

"Did you hear about this? In Afghanistan, the U.S. has discovered large deposits of iron, copper, cobalt, gold, and lithium. Or, as most people would call it, 'not Osama bin Laden.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Today is President Trump's 72nd birthday. Everyone in the White House hid to jump out and yell "Surprise," and while they were hiding they were like, "Hey, we found Melania!" At one point the staff brought out a piñata for Trump but the president just deported it. --Jimmy Fallon

Next Trump birthday card is from Sean Spicer. It says, “Today, I’m toasting to you.” And inside it says, “Because you’re the reason I drink every day.” And finally, here’s one from George W. Bush. It says, “Here’s to you.” And inside it says, “For making me look like the president of the century.” –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney visited a restaurant in Iowa, and had trouble thinking of the word for donut. Newt Gingrich merely responded, 'That never would have happened if I were the nominee.'" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which finally explains why the new governor of Wyoming is Anna Kournikova (he doesn’t have time to learn the language)

It’s being reported that in the 2016 elections, Russia interfered with voting systems in at least 39 states. Which finally explains why the new governor of Wyoming is Anna Kournikova. –Conan O’Brien

It’s been reported that President Trump is so worried about protests that he is postponing his upcoming trip to England. Trump is also worried he doesn’t have time to learn the language. –Conan O’Brien

A new report just came out and it found that the employees at a Trump clothing factory in Indonesia are subject to low wages and verbal abuse. And even they wouldn’t change places with Sean Spicer. –Conan O’Brien

Cameron Crowe has issued an apology for casting Emma Stone as an Asian woman in his new movie. He also announced that his next film about Malcolm X will no longer star Benedict Cumberbatch.—Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I want those guys, they’re the best (Promise vs Reality)

At today’s Easter Egg Roll, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer read a book to children. Afterwards, all the kids had the same question: “Who’s Hitler?” –Conan O’Brien

President Trump has begun hiring more people from President George W. Bush’s administration. Trump specifically asked for the Iraq guy and the Katrina guy. “I want those guys, they’re the best.” –Conan O’Brien

Today at the White House Easter festivities, Melania Trump kicked things off by blowing a whistle. Then again, most women standing near Donald Trump end up having to blow a whistle. –Conan O’Brien

"This year's Easter Sunday happens to fall on the same day as the marijuana holiday, 4/20. Which means no matter what your religion, this Sunday you're probably going to see a giant bunny." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Utah is not particularly friendly territory for Donald Trump because most of the voters there are sober (Terrible Idea)

There was a primary in Arizona and caucuses in Idaho and Utah. Donald Trump was behind in the polls in Utah — Utah is not particularly friendly territory for Donald Trump because most of the voters there are sober. –Jimmy Kimmel

One of Donald Trump's most high-profile supporters, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, is working on a new gig. Sarah Palin is planning to host a new reality courtroom show. She would be the judge. The show doesn't have a title yet but they're thinking about calling it "Terrible Idea." –Jimmy Kimmel

Chris Christie flew all the way to Florida to stand behind Donald Trump supporting him. Throughout the speech, he looks genuinely miserable. He looks like he saw the bottom of a supposedly bottomless pasta bowl at Olive Garden. He looks as though someone just told him butterscotch causes cancer. –Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump got his first approval rating numbers and they aren’t good. His approval rating stands at 45 percent, which is the lowest in history for a new president. Or as his press secretary Sean Spicer put it today, “The highest in history for a new president.” –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The head and the butt are interchangeable (He’s famous for losing)

September 2021

“The Biden administration yesterday removed 18 military academy board members that were appointed by Trump. Why were there still any Trump holdovers anyway? That’s like moving into a rent-controlled apartment the last guy died in and keeping all the expired whitefish in the refrigerator.” —Seth Meyers

“Thanks to the revisionist mythology of the Lost Cause and gentlemen’s Confederacy, a statue of the Confederate general Robert E. Lee on a horse loomed over the former Confederate capital of Richmond, Virginia for 130 years – until this week. The six-story tall monument, the largest to a Confederate in the nation, was removed on Wednesday to cheers of ‘Nah, nah, nah, goodbye.’ Trump issued a statement calling the removal a ‘complete desecration’ and lamented, bafflingly, that Lee was not alive to lead the US in Afghanistan. What do you mean it would’ve ended in victory if Lee was in charge? He lost! He’s famous for losing.” —Seth Meyers

“In other news, the Biden administration on Wednesday removed 18 military academy board members appointed by Trump, including former adviser Kellyanne Conway and press secretary Sean Spicer. Tough day for the comedy team of Conway and Spicer. You know, when we finally got rid of Trump I assumed these people would just disappear, like the White Walker when Arya stabbed the Night King.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He looks like the puffy shirt from Seinfeld had sex with a glow stick (It’s just like working for Trump)

“Somehow ‘Dancing With the Stars’ found a way to humiliate Sean Spicer more than the president of the United States.” --Jimmy Kimmel

“I’ll be honest: I think Spicer will be perfect for ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ Yeah, just pretend you know what you’re doing until you get kicked out. It’s just like working for Trump.” --Trevor Noah

“A bit of a reversal for Spicer. At the White House, he would be the one telling the outrageous lies, but on this show some wardrobe person looked him dead in the eye and said ‘That looks great on you, Sean.’” --Trevor Noah on Spicer’s lime green shirt

“He looks like your fun aunt after three wine coolers, you know what I’m saying? He looks like the puffy shirt from Seinfeld had sex with a glow stick.” --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Pence left as soon as he found out it's the city of brotherly love (ridiculous smear)

Vice President Mike Pence today hosted a fundraiser for a Republican representative in Philadelphia, but he left as soon as he found out it's the city of brotherly love. --Seth Meyers

Former Trump campaign adviser Carter Page yesterday called accusations that he was a Russian agent a ridiculous smear campaign. Coincidentally, a “ridiculous smear” is what Trump asks his makeup artists for. --Seth Meyers

Former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer's book will be released tomorrow. You know, Sean, if you had a bunch of things to tell us, you could have done that when it was your job. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

You will have to use your car in the McDonald's parking lot like the rest of us (Cry Closets)

Trump says he's too busy to give a birthday present to his wife. I mean, how much effort does it take to just leave the back door open and say, "You're free, Melania. I let you go.” --James Corden

Yesterday, at Madame Tussauds wax museum in New York, former White House press secretary Sean Spicer unveiled a wax figure of first lady Melania Trump to join the existing one of her husband. Those wax figures look so realistic. They actually have more chemistry than the real couple. --James Corden

Apparently, the library at the University of Utah has installed what they're calling a "Cry Closet." This is exactly what it sounds like. I promise this is true. It's a closet where stressed-out students can go to cry. Because there's nothing more comforting than being trapped in a tiny dark box. It's going to be a shock when those students graduate. Take it from me, there are no "Cry Closets" out here in the real world. You will have to use your car in the McDonald's parking lot like the rest of us. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Do as I say, not as I paid someone $130,000 to shut up about my doing (Tillerson’s roommates)

Under President Trump, abstinence-only education is making a comeback. Or as Trump told teenagers, “Do as I say, not as I paid someone $130,000 to shut up about my doing.” --Conan O’Brien

President Trump fired his secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, on Twitter. It makes sense when you consider that Trump hired Tillerson on Tinder. --Conan O’Brien

Rex Tillerson reportedly doesn’t know why he was fired. At least, that’s according to Tillerson’s roommates, Sean Spicer and Omarosa. --Conan O’Brien

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Why is everybody laughing? (fourth-grade level)

Former White House press secretary Sean Spicer said yesterday that Oprah Winfrey does not have enough political experience to run for president. I don't know what he said next, but it had to be "Why is everybody laughing?" --Seth Meyers

According to new analysis, President Trump speaks at a fourth-grade level. But only when he doesn't want Betsy DeVos to know what he's talking about. --Seth Meyers

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Hiyo, Sassy! Off to the mall! (The Briefest)

Former White House press secretary Sean Spicer announced yesterday that he is writing a book about his time at the White House called “The Briefing.” Not to be confused with Anthony Scaramucci’s book about his time at the White House called “The Briefest.” –Seth Meyers

Roy Moore’s horses name is Sassy. Well, I mean, that is a lovely name — for a magazine targeted at teenage girls. “Hiyo, Sassy! Off to the mall!” –Stephen Colbert

    

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JohnHulse #collectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Dammit, I just lied again. I can’t help myself (Kim Jong Un 2020)

This afternoon, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un lashed out at President Trump, calling him “mentally deranged” and “a frightened dog.” As a result, Kim Jong Un is now the Democrats’ top pick for president in 2020. –Conan O’Brien

In an interview, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said he never knowingly lied to the American people. Then he said, “Dammit, I just lied again. I can’t help myself.” –Conan O’Brien

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #FeeltheBern #repealreplacerepublicans

Reach out your arm (Startingggggg NOW!)

And in an interview today, Sean Spicer said that he has never “knowingly” lied to the American people. Then Spicer said, “Startingggggg NOW!” –Jimmy Fallon

Check this out, guys. Target is letting customers download an indoor map to help them find their way around the store. While if you get lost at Costco, they just tell you to forget your old life and move in. –Jimmy Fallon

I also read that Taco Bell will start serving alcohol at some locations. So the next time you think that YOU’RE having a bad day, imagine the guy who gets cut off by the cashier at Taco Bell. –Jimmy Fallon

    

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #FeeltheBern #repealreplacerepublicans

Carpool Karaoke with Steve Bannon (Feels like a mistake today)

I’m kidding, of course! But Sean Spicer actually did make a cameo at last night’s ceremony and according to some reports, at the after party Spicer was the most popular guy in the room. And I just want to say, I think people are forgetting that this man lied to the American people, and should not be embraced. These Hollywood phonies kissing up to Sean Spicer are disgusting. I mean who did this, who are we talking about here? [shows photo of himself kissing Spicer] Now I know you think that is a picture of me kissing Sean Spicer. But in the spirit of Sean Spicer: no, it isn’t. –James Corden

Anyone ever have that feeling when you get a little drunk and then wake up the next morning and think, “Oh God, who did I kiss last night?” It’s a bit like that. Understandably, some people have been disappointed by this photo. In truth I’m disappointed by it as well. I have been reading a lot of harsh comments on Twitter today and I hear you loud and clear, truly I do. So much so I’m really starting to regret that Carpool Karaoke that we’ve taped with Steve Bannon. Feels like a mistake today. –James Corden

   

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #FeeltheBern #repealreplacerepublicans